Another Day in Paradise
by TriggerHappyWorld
Summary: Summary: "Bobby is undercover with Narcotics, Alex is undercover with Vice, and neither one knows that the other exists; that is, until their worlds collide." Rated M in future chapters. B/A relationship, and includes Det. Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola from LO:SVU
1. Prologue: The Colder Water

**A/N: **Most of this story takes place Pre-Season One in the year 2000 before Bobby and Alex joined Major Case, but it starts off in 2008 during and after 'Purgatory'. Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola from L&O: SVU is in this story also; however, this is not in any way a cross-over.

**A/N cont.: **The way I picture Bobby in this story is how he looked when he did the Daily Show with John Stewart back in 2000. If you don't know what I'm talking about, check it out at by either going to thereelvincentdonofrio/clips or to The Daily Show website. I don't own these sites, but I'm a frequent visitor to both.

**Pairing: **Bobby/Alex, but it's a complicated pairing. You'll see what I mean soon enough.

**Warnings:** These guys are the HBO versions of the characters. They curse and do things that they couldn't get away with on NBC/USA. And it will be rated **M **in future chapters for adult relations. You've been warned!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything associated with the Law & Order television series. Dick Wolf owns it all and I'm not him. The only thing I own are the characters I created.

**Summary: **"Bobby is undercover with Narcotics, Alex is undercover with Vice, and neither one knows that the other exists; that is, until their worlds collide. An all new Law & Order--"….Dang it, I'm also not the USA Network announcer guy.

**Enjoy!

* * *

  
**

_April 2008_

Bobby stared at the concrete floor and felt his heart drop. He knew she was standing out there and he could only imagine what she was thinking. The bars had slid open for Stout, and then slid back. As he heard them slid open again, he braced himself and eased off the bench.

It was hard not to look at Alex; she was going to freak. And he had no one to blame but himself this time. He nodded to the Captain and leaned against the cell frame.

"Testarossa lawyered up."

He saw her eyes go wide and he tried to keep calm. Bobby focused on the Captain. "What about Melago?"

"What's going on here?" Alex's voice was stressed.

Even though the question was directed at him, Bobby looked to the Captain for help. It was getting harder to stay standing. He was nearly putting all his weight against the bars to keep himself steady. "Is now okay," he anxiously asked Ross.

Alex took a glance at Ross but eyed him as she back away from them. She was stunned at first, then anger bore from her eyes right into his soul. "You're undercover, you don't tell me?"

Bobby watched her and felt everything inside him drop and mix with his heart in stomach acid. Ross said something that he didn't catch because he was trying to figure out how to speak again. Her anger was barely control; he could see the hurt in her eyes. She looked at Ross then stared right back at him.

Alex was in disbelief, and he was right back to feeling like he was in purgatory again. He needed her to understand. It was getting harder to not move, to address her and plead with her to understand. If Ross wasn't there he knew he would have. He would have tried to explain, even if he didn't know how.

Ross finally got through to her with whatever he was saying. She nodded at him then shook her head at him. It looked like she was going to say something, but she did the one thing that he didn't want to ever see. She walked away from him.

Looking at Ross, Bobby knew what he was going to say. He stared at the floor again and shook his head.

"It'd be okay, Goren."

Bobby didn't lift his head as he said, "No, it won't." He'd seen Alex that way before, and it had nearly cost them everything.

* * *

He'd forgotten. How could he have forgotten? It hadn't been that long ago; only eight years. Bobby pulled down a glass out of his cabinet and placed it next to the bottle of Glenlivet on the counter. Bracing himself against it, he gripped the edges of the counter and banged his head on the cabinet door.

Alex wasn't going to forgive him easily. He lied to her; he didn't tell her that he was undercover. It wouldn't have come to that if he hadn't been so wrapped up in trying to get his shield back. Getting back on the job took more precedence than his vow to Alex, his promise. He would have told her if he hadn't been so…pre-occupied with what the Brass thought. He never cared about them before. Alex was his partner, he trusted her with his life. And he made her barge into that room pointing a gun at him not knowing.

He knew she was the one on the case; she had pulled the tourist shooting in Red Hook. It would have been no problem to have called her before the take-down was going to happen. Warn her that he would be in there, undercover. That he trusted her to keep it professional, to do her job and not show that she was expecting it, expecting him.

That was what partners did.

But not him. He had, for the first time in his professional career and as her partner, obeyed the Brass. The Chief knew about it and the Captain knew about it, but not the one person that truly needed to know about it. Not the person that was going to be doing the take-down, who was going to be the one to arrest him, and who was going to put him in a jail cell and pray that his career wasn't over.

She looked heart-wrenchingly betrayed by him when she found out that he didn't tell her. And then, when he had lied to her about his reasons and she called him out on it…The anger in her eyes was more terrifying than the anger that clouded her words.

He sighed and shook his head into the wooden door. _You've really blown it this time, Goren. _

Bobby eyed the bottle that rested below him on the counter. He wanted nothing more than to drink himself stupid—it'd match the way he'd been acting lately—but at the same time he wanted to kick the habit of drinking himself stupid every night.

For nearly six months he'd been indulging in his love for the Scottish whiskey; it was the only thing that eased his warring mind and the memories that flooded his dreams and waking hours. More than once he found himself staring off thinking about Tates, his mother, Brady, Donny and Frank. His demons weren't giving him any peace. Not now, not before, maybe not ever would he be completely free of them.

It seemed now that he could add Alex to that list.

Giving in to the itch, he filled the glass and downed it before he filled it to the brim again. He strolled over to his couch and flopped down on it; resting his feet on the coffee table he eased back into the cushions and stared up toward the ceiling.

He'd known Alex for eight years; been partners with her for all that time. It was the longest running relationship he'd ever had with anyone that wasn't family. She had put up with him for eight years; and how did he repay her for her loyalty?

He had broken the only promise he'd ever made to her. He lied to her and betrayed not only her loyalty but her trust.

TBC…


	2. Ch1: When Bobby met Alex

_March 2000_

_Eight Years Earlier_

The car pulled up to the curb next to the strip club; it was a notorious hangout for dealers, buyers, and the usual low-life criminals; the place was smack dab in the middle of the Bronx, no A-list celebrities showed up there, just the neighborhood crowd.

Tonight it was quiet with only a handful of people coming and going. If all went according to plan, he'd have Rick Jameson and the club's owner Mack Vincennes arrested within the next two weeks. He had to be patient and wait for the big deal to go down.

Rick, a 25 year-old know it all who was born and bred in the Bronx, was sitting next to him in the driver's seat of the 2000 Ford Mustang going through his wallet. "I'm short this week you think you can give me a loan?"

Bobby shifted his focus off the club and eyed Rick. "What do you do? We just got paid yesterday."

Rick shrugged a little as he grinned over at him. "I have my hobbies, like my car," he gestured around the car they were sitting in. "I put in a new stereo system and got fog lights. C'mon, admit it, you're jealous of my ride."

Bobby huffed out a laugh and shook his head. "I'd be jealous if it was a '67 Shelby Mustang GT500. And if you gave it fog lights and bass speakers I'd kick your ass." He looked out the window at the women standing on the corner.

"Interested," Rick asked as he nodded toward the prostitutes.

Bobby managed a soft, "Not my style." His eyes were growing heavy and he had to muffle a yawn.

"That's right; you like quiet dinners and getting to know the girl before you escort her back to your place in that vintage piece of shit of yours. Which is still where? In the shop getting fixed?"

Bobby glared over at him. "Did you just call my car a piece of shit? And, technically, the vintage car era was between the '20's and '30's. My car is a classic muscle car having been built between 1964 and 1972."

"It's still vintage," Rick mumbled under his breath. "And what _don't_ you know?"

Bobby smirked and rested his head against the headrest and closed his eyes. He was tired having been up for nearly two days straight. Besides the many meetings and deals he had to participate in, he had to meet with an informant all the way in Rockaway; by the time he finally got back to his apartment and laid down, Rick had called; the boss wanted to meet with them. "I also know that conversation never hurt anyone," he mumbled under his breath.

"Except my ego. The ladies don't like talking to me and I like it more when they don't talk at all."

Bobby didn't respond to that; instead he kept his eyes closed. It was all he could do to not reach over and pound Rick's cocky grin into the steering wheel. He was getting so tired of having to lie and fake a friendship with these guys; he was glad he'd be out of it in two weeks. Just two more weeks and he could go back to being a regular detective. His cell phone sounded in his pocket and he groaned.

"Your girl calling," Rick asked as he opened the door to get out.

Bobby looked at the caller ID. "It's just a guy that owes me money. Uh, go ahead inside. I'll take this out here, less noise."

Rick got out of the car. "All right but hurry up. You know how Mack gets when we're late."

As soon as Rick was far enough away, Bobby answered the phone. "Hey, Fin."

"Wuz up, badass pimp."

Bobby laughed as he rubbed at his goatee. Fin had told him that the goatee had made him look like a badass pimp; ever since then that was what Fin called him. Given that and the temporary body art he had on his arms thanks to one of his buddies, he was looking like a real thug. "About time you called; you're late." He watched as one of the many prostitutes on the block walked up to Rick and started talking to him. Rick rejected her and went inside the club.

"Sue me; I just got out of a meeting with Sanders."

"What's going on?" Bobby heard the tension in the other detective's voice. Something was up if he just got out of a meeting with their Captain; he had a feeling that he wasn't going to like it.

"They want to keep you out longer."

Bobby groaned into the phone and leaned his head back. He needed a drink. Opening his eyes, he glanced over and spotted the prostitute that had been hitting on Rick strolling up to the car.

"Looking for a good time," she asked.

Bobby eyed her a moment before shaking his head. "I'm not interested."

"You sure sweetie," she asked as she went to lean through the open window.

Bobby quickly locked the door and went to roll the window up. "Yeah, I don't think so." Once he got the window up, he watched as she started toward the club. He closed his eyes and tried to focus on what Fin was telling him. "How much longer? I thought you were going to have it for me in two weeks."

It was hard to keep talking vaguely but he never knew if something was going to be bugged. For all he knew, there were microphones inside Rick's car. His phone was clean, he checked it every day and the frequency couldn't be tapped.

"That's a no can do partner. Sanders got word from a source that Vincennes is getting two more heavy hitters in his line-up: Tony Ramirez and J.D. Haddix."

"The more the merrier."

"You got it."

Bobby nodded into the phone. "What's the catch?"

Fin was silent for a moment. "The problem is Vincennes wife…She might be an informant for the FBI. The Cap needs to know before we can make a move. He doesn't want the feds all over our ass for this. He's trying to verify out here, but you know how those government assholes can be."

Bobby rubbed at his head. A glass of Glenlivet was sounding better and better. "I'll see what I can do."

"It shouldn't be too hard; you're his go-to guy aren't you? Don't you have an 'in' with the wife?"

Bobby huffed out a laugh. "What'd you think this is?" He sighed and pounded the dashboard. "It looks like I'm going to have to become their Priest."

Fin started laughing at that. "You can go ahead and take their confessions but don't you dare dissolve them of their sins. Good luck, Bobby. Keep ya eyes open and gun cocked."

"Yeah, always." Bobby ended the call and shoved the phone back into his pocket. He'd been undercover for nearly a year; another couple of months wouldn't kill him. Well, as his last sting operation went, it was turning out to be the longest and the most frustrating.

And he couldn't wait to get it over with.

He eyed the night club that had been his place of employment for the last ten months and sighed heavily. Mack was probably pissed that he wasn't in there with Rick. Oh well, he needed a minute to get back into character. His head was racing with what Fin had told him and his body was still sluggish from lack of sleep.

The prostitute that was trying to sneak her way into the car earlier was leaning against the wall and looking around, waiting. Before, he hadn't paid much attention to her; now, taking a moment to actually look at her, she was quite beautiful. That alone sparked his curiosity. He watched as all the other women were walking up and down the street, yelling out at every car that passed trying to get some guy to stop.

His intuition was kicking in; he could feel it. He wanted to know if she wasn't a regular working girl or if she was with Vice. If he gambled, he'd put his money on Vice. And the interaction would get his mind focused on the job at hand instead of fuming over his Captain's decision to keep him out longer.

Bobby got out of the car and leaned back against the passenger door. It was early March and cold, but his leather jacket was working out just fine. He stuffed his hands in his jeans pockets as he smiled over at her. "You are way too beautiful to be out here," he announced.

"I thought you weren't interested."

"I'm not." Bobby pulled out his pack of cigarettes. Lighting one up, he watched as she eyed him closely before walking toward him. "I wanted to apologize."

She stopped in front of him with a wide grin on her face. "What for?"

Bobby shrugged. "I was rude earlier. I'm still not interested, but…" He trailed off as he tapped out another cigarette and offered it to her. "Smoke?"

She gave a light shrug and took it. "What are you interested in?"

Bobby smiled and shook his head. "It's…" he scratched his head as he tilted it down. "I'm interested in conversation."

She stuck the cigarette between her lips and waited.

Bobby brought the lighter up and lit it for her. "I'm Bobby." When he only received a look in return he asked, "Slow night?"

After a long pull off the cigarette, she blew it out and nodded as she looked around. "I guess it's too cold," she said as she pulled her short thin coat around her body tighter.

"The way I see it, on cold nights…men like warm company." Bobby eyed her and glanced over her outfit. It was revealing yet not overdone with the jean skirt with fishnet stockings, coat, and open toe heels. Her blond hair was up and pulled back, showing off her thick make-up covered face. The black eyeliner made her brown eyes standout. He smiled as he said, "I'm not like most men."

"I see," she said a little sarcastically. "You prefer cold company?"

Bobby nearly choked on the smoke in his throat. After he regained the ability to speak, he quickly responded, "That, uh, that's not what I meant." He looked around the sidewalk and watched all the other women yelling at potential Johns and leaning into car windows. "This isn't what I call romantic." He shrugged as he looked back at her. "I want to talk to you. Will you let me do that, Miss…?"

"Lexus," she said as she took a couple of puffs off the cigarette.

"Lexus?"

"Yeah, you know like the car."

Bobby couldn't help but laugh. "What's your pick-up line with that?"

Lexus smiled as she said, "Wanna go for a ride?"

Bobby chuckled as he took a long pull off the cigarette. "You didn't answer my question."

Lexus pulled her coat around her tighter. "Well," she said around the cigarette that was loosing hanging from her lips. "I do have a job to do and you're wasting my time. That is unless you want to talk in the car."

Bobby glanced at the car then back at her. "No."

Lexus took the cigarette out of her mouth and pointed it at him. "Then we're done talking, _Bobby_."

As she started to walk away, Bobby cleared his throat. "I tell you what," he pushed himself off the car and walked slowly toward her so not to make her jump into action. "I'll pay you two hundred dollars to stand right here and talk to me until my friend comes out. And he will come out looking for me…I really do want to talk to you."

For a moment it looked like she was going to refuse as a man rolled up in front of another prostitute on the corner and started talking to her. He noticed that Lexus and the other woman were watching each other closely; when the other woman agreed and walked around the front of the car, she glanced back at Lexus and gave an almost unnoticeable nod and wink.

Bobby noticed that Lexus relaxed a little before turning back to him and leaned against the side of the building. "She a friend of yours?"

Lexus gave an indifferent shrug. "If you say so."

Bobby watched her as he worked on his cigarette. After a moment, he said, "I'm serious…a-about the money."

"What if your friend comes out here in two seconds?"

"Then in two seconds you'll be two hundred dollars richer." Bobby walked to the side of her, turned and then leaned back against the wall next to her. "You've been doing this long?"

"Does it matter," she said as she watched him closely.

Bobby took a long pull off his cigarette as he watched her right back. "Guess not."

"You wanna talk to me, yet you ask un-important questions," Lexus said dryly.

Bobby smiled. "Most women like chanting men up."

"I'm not like most women." She threw his words right back at him. "By the way your cigarette's about to burn your finger."

Bobby looked down and quickly dropped the cigarette to the ground before it burned his fingers. "Thanks." As he put it out with his boot, he noticed that everything he did was noticed by her. He looked around at the other women and noticed that none of them were paying much attention to what they were doing. "You like it? I mean…Are you okay, doing this?" When she only rolled her eyes at him, he dropped his voice as he leaned closer to her. "This question matters."

Lexus eyed him but still didn't say anything.

Bobby smiled and he knew that she was melting under it. Every woman did. "You know, we're looking for a bartender." He gestured to the club. "Are you interested?"

She seemed to debate that for a moment before shrugging. "I might be."

"Then, if I may." Bobby reached into his jeans pocket and pulled out a card. "Here," he handed it to her as he looked around the street. "My cell number; why don't you think about it, and if you want the job, just call me and I'll talk to my boss."

Lexus turned the card over in her hand. "Is this for real?"

Bobby nodded. "I'm not asking for anything in return." He smiled again and nearly laughed when she sent him a 'yeah right' look. "And, uh, word of advice," he looked at her seriously. "In the future, try not to be so beautiful."

She looked at him and was actually confused.

He gestured around them. "These girls," Bobby said. "They're druggies. Way too thin, too pale, makeup's all over the place. And they couldn't defend themselves against a fly." He looked back at her. "I bet you could take me to the ground. You take care of yourself and…you're healthy."

Lexus didn't waver as she plainly said, "I don't know what you're talking about."

Bobby grinned and nodded. "Okay." Just then the door to the club opened and out walked Rick. He pushed himself off the wall and went to walk by her. He stopped in front of her and whispered, "Be careful." He leaned down and slipped the money into her hand. "And thank you." He straightened and then walked away, toward the entrance to the club.

Rick spotted him walking toward him. "What's this," he asked as he eyed Lexus.

Bobby shook his head. "Nothing, I was just talking." He grabbed Rick by the arm and pulled him into the club with him.

Rick pushed him off with a stunned look on his face. "You paid her to _talk_ to you? That's it, I'm having you checked out; I think you really are crazy."

Bobby shot him a glare as he turned and headed toward the stairs that led up to the second floor where the offices were. "So, what does Mack want?"

Rick followed in step with him. "He needs us for tomorrow night. There's a meeting going down with Ramirez from Queens. We could score some serious shit if we get him on our payroll."

Bobby nodded as he knocked on the office door. He heard Mack on the other side telling him to come in. "That's all?"

Rick shrugged as he stepped inside the office.

Bobby rolled his eyes and nodded to his boss. "Mack," he shook his hand and sat down in the chair across the desk.

"Bobby you look like hell."

Bobby rubbed at his face, feeling the hair growth on his jaw. "Haven't been to bed yet, but I'll be ready for tomorrow. Uh, what time?"

Mack leaned back in his chair. "Eleven; Tony wants to wait until after the game."

Bobby nodded. Anthony 'Tony' Ramirez was notorious for his love of the New York Knicks; the man didn't miss a game. "Is it going to be here," he asked.

"Yeah, make sure you're here by eight."

Bobby nodded and glanced at his boss before addressing Rick. "Could you give us a minute?"

Mack motioned for Rick to leave when he didn't move.

Bobby watched as Rick got up and left, just leaving him and Mack in the office. He focused on hid boss and smiled. "The kid's doing okay," he gestured over toward the door.

Mack returned the smile and leaned forward on his desk. "He's no longer a hot head thanks to you."

"I was afraid if he kept going off like he was _I_ was going to be the one who ended up dead because of it." Bobby got up and walked over to the table against the wall and poured himself a glass of water. "I, uh, might have found you a bartender."

"Oh yeah?"

Bobby took a sip of the water and sat on the edge of Mack's desk. There were only two people who could get away with doing that: Mack's wife and himself. "Yeah. I just have to wait to see if she agrees with me."

Mack laughed and shook his head. "You have a weird way of working. Most people make sure the person's interested before they offer up a job. Now, what? She thinks you're just trying to get into her pants?"

"Probably," Bobby said with a laugh.

Mack eyed him. "Are you?"

Bobby stilled as he was bringing the glass up. He stared into the water for a moment and thought about it. If he said no Mack might think something was up, but if he went along and acted like he was interested in scoring with her…"Well," he shrugged. "If it comes up, I won't say no." He then eyed Mack as he said, "I really think she'll be good though."

Mack watched him closely, debating that over; then, with a curt nod he said, "If she accepts, I'll hook her up with Maggie and give her a trial run. We'll see what happens."

Bobby downed the water before getting up off the desk. "That's all I'm asking." He headed to the door and heard Mack behind him.

"Hey, Bob?"

Bobby turned back around as he opened the door. Mack only called him 'Bob' when he was serious about something.

"What're you doing Sunday?"

Bobby frowned; he was planning on visiting his mother, but this looked like a golden opportunity to get in close with Mack, and his wife. He could always visit his mother Saturday. "Nothing."

Mack leaned back in his chair again. "Come by my house."

"I don't want to intrude."

Mack waved him off. "If I invite you, you're not intruding."

Bobby finally gave a slow nod. "Okay," he said before leaving the office. He spotted Rick over at the side of the stage chatting up a stripper and waving around the rest of his money. _Hobbies._ He shook his head as he made his way down to the bar for that drink he was in desperate need of.

* * *

"You think it's legit?"

Alex tossed her heels across the room as she spoke into the phone. "I honestly don't know, but if it is I don't want to pass it up. It'd be the perfect set-up. I can get guys for not only prostitution but narcotics, gambling, maybe even illegal distribution of alcohol."

Captain Manning was quiet for a minute. "All right; I'll get the paperwork completed and send it up for the Brass to approve. Call up the guy and tell him you'll take the job."

Alex smiled into the phone. She'd been with Vice for three years and she was going to make her last undercover job with them worth it. "Thanks, Captain. I'll call him first thing this afternoon."

"And Alex."

"Yeah," Alex asked as she made her way to the bathroom.

"I'm going to call around; there might be an undercover working the club already. If there is, I think it'd be best if you two were to meet and make sure you set some boundaries."

"I agree; I don't want to step on anyone's toes."

"All right, good luck. I'll be in touch."

Alex hung up her cell and tossed it onto her bed. She needed a shower. It was going on five in the morning and she'd busted six Johns; all in all, it was a good night on the job. As she started to undress, she pulled out the card in her pocket.

_Robert Donovan_. That was the name on the card.

Robert 'Bobby' Donovan could have been all talk, but she wasn't going to pass it up if he wasn't. And if he did want something in return, well, it wasn't like she couldn't take care of herself.

* * *

Bobby strolled into the brightly lit apartment, slung his jacket across the room toward the couch, and immediately headed for the bedroom. The apartment was nearly bare except for the necessities. What really drove him nuts about the whole undercover thing was that he had to live in a decoy apartment. He was being holed up in a crappy place in the Bronx while Lewis made sure his place in Brooklyn didn't burn down while he was gone.

_Lewis_ was probably going to be the one to burn it down.

He collapsed on the bed and moaned into the pillow. Forget the day; he was going to sleep until Rick called him at seven. Pulling the blanket over his head to block out the morning sun, he tried to turn off his restless mind and drift to sleep.

It only seemed like minutes after he fell asleep that his cell phone was ringing. Groaning in frustration and anger he reached around the nightstand until he found the phone. "Ricky, if this is you I'm going to kick your ass." Rick hated it when he called him 'Ricky'.

There was silence on the other line until a woman spoke, "Is this Bobby?"

Bobby frowned into the phone. What woman was calling him at…He peered up at the clock. It was going on one in the afternoon. He rolled over onto his back and blinked up at the ceiling. "Yeah, who's this?"

"Lexus. You offered me a job--"

Bobby's clouded mind was jarred as she said that. He instantly felt more awake. "Oh…Yeah, uh… Hi." He stopped his mindless mumbling and rubbed at his head trying to get his thoughts in order. "I did…uh, offer you a job. Are you accepting?"

"I am, if…You said that you didn't want anything."

Bobby was shaking his head into the phone. "I don't. I was…I mean, I'm not…" he sighed heavily and closed his eyes. Maybe he wasn't as awake as he thought he was. "Hell."

She was chuckling on the other line. "I'm sorry for waking you. You sound out of it."

"It's okay." Bobby rubbed at his heavy eyes and yawned. "I haven't had my coffee yet." He debated if he wanted to get up or not; it was only one and he did need the sleep. He rolled back over onto his side and closed his eyes. "Um, you want to meet me at the club later? I'll introduce you to Maggie; she'll show you around and help you out. My boss said if you, uh…pass your first night you'll get the job."

"Oh, you're not going to train me?"

Bobby couldn't tell if she sounded disappointed or relieved. He was too tired to try and figure it out. "Why would I? I'm…" he muffled a yawn before saying, "a bouncer."

Lexus was silent for a moment before she asked, "What time do you want to meet?"

"Five?"

"Are you sure not six? You sound like you're already asleep."

"I am," he mumbled into the pillow as he was quickly dozing off. Bobby smiled softly as he heard her laugh through the phone. "Okay, six." He slurred the last word and tried to stay conscious enough to hear her reply.

"Six it is. Don't forget."

"I won't. I'll see you later." Bobby was about to hang up when he heard her through the phone.

"Bobby?"

"Hmm?"

"Call me Alex."

TBC….


	3. Ch2: A Bouncer and Bartender Enter a Bar

**A/N: Thanks to all the reviews I've gotten so far!! I really appreciate it! Also it's unusally for me to post 3 chapters in 2 days, so don't get used to it. I'm just trying to get as many chapters up before I move. During that time I won't be able to post as frequently even though I'll be writing like crazy, I won't be able to use my computer as often. Once again, thanks for the encouragement!! **

**Enjoy!**

* * *

_Alex._ He had to admit that fit her better. When he thought about it, if he put an 'A' in front of Lexus it'd be Alexus. Or if he changed the 'u' to an 'i' it'd be Alexis; that _could_ be her real name. Bobby shook his head; he was thinking way too much about it. Leaning back against the wall, he stuffed his cold hands into his jeans pockets. If he'd known he'd be standing out in the cold waiting on her he'd worn his jacket.

It was going on six-fifteen and he was hoping she didn't back out of it. If Alex was with Vice, being a bartender there would be the perfect set-up for her. Help her advance or something. If not, than he was helping a woman get off the street. Either way, it was a good deal.

As the cold air stung his face and arms, he shivered and ached for a cigarette; he had restricted himself to three a day. If he had any more than that he was afraid it'd take him months to quit again. He'd been good and hadn't smoked excessively in almost six years and he'd be damned if some undercover job was going to make him start up again.

"You look cold."

Bobby turned and blinked at Alex. As she strolled up to him, he couldn't help but look her over. She was looking fine; a hell of a lot better than she did last night. Instead of the short thin coat she had the night before Alex wore a long tan leather jacket, tight black pants, and black leather high-heel boots. And today her hair was down, and the make-up was lighter.

Alex caught him looking at her but didn't blush; instead, she gave him a death glare.

Bobby blushed and ducked his head as he smiled. "Sorry. I didn't mean to stare. It's just…You look so, different."

Alex regarded him cautiously. "Good different or…?"

Bobby was shaking his head. "No, definitely good different." He walked a little closer to her and reached for the door to the club. "Come on, I'll show you around." He held the door open for her.

Alex still gave him a wary glance before entering the club.

It was six-thirty on a Friday night and the place was crowded, loud, and dark. Bobby stayed close to Alex as he led her across the room, toward the bar. The stage was to the left, tables to the right, and the bar was back in the far right corner. "There's not really much to show," he glanced over at her. "Stage left, bar right. And the offices are upstairs." He stepped up to the bar and gave the woman behind it a warm smile. "Maggie, this is Alex."

Alex shook Maggie's hand. "Pleasure."

"Hey, Bobby!"

Bobby spotted Rick coming up to him as Alex and Maggie got acquainted. When he caught the seriousness of Rick's eyes, he immediately stepped away from the bar toward him. "Rick, what--"

Rick stepped up to his left side and whispered in his ear. "See that kid over there with Jason?"

Bobby looked over to the side of the stage Rick was talking about. He saw one of the bouncers Jason talking to a kid he knew. "Yeah."

"He says he has something for you? I told Jas to keep an eye on him until you give the say so."

Bobby nodded and turned back to Alex. "You gonna be okay?"

Alex smiled as she rounded the bar and opened the swinging door. "I'll be fine."

Rick eyed Alex from beside him. "Aren't you that prostitute? What, are we down-grading now?"

Bobby felt the anger flush through him as he glared at Rick. "You better watch it, Ricky."

"Whoa," Rick held up his hands. "Take it easy. I'm sorry."

"No," Bobby snapped as he continued to eye Rick. "You apologize to Alex, not me."

Rick glanced back-and-forth between him and Alex, unsure of what to do. "All right. Alex, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it."

Bobby turned his head and eyed Alex over his left shoulder. "Are you sure you're going to be okay?"

"Hey," a man yelled from down the bar. "I need a shot of whiskey from the well."

Alex was watching him with a stunned yet concerned look. "Yeah." She then eyed Rick as she grabbed a whiskey bottle out of the well with her left hand as she grabbed a shot glass with her right. "By the way, _Ricky_, they won't be down-grading." She placed the shot glass on the bar then flipped the bottle in the air with her left, caught it with her right, filled the glass to the brim before sliding it smoothly down the bar to the man. "They'll be raising their standards."

Bobby rocked back on his heels as he watched her. He glanced at Rick and started laughing as he saw the stunned look on his face.

"I'm gonna love her," Maggie commented from her position behind Alex.

Bobby grinned over at Alex and nodded. "Yeah, okay, I think you'll be just fine. Rick," he leaned closer to him, "leave these ladies alone and get back to work." He left the bar and headed over to the far left side of the stage.

Eric Richards was only eighteen and one of their runners; he was a silent player that Rick didn't even know about. The only people that knew about Eric were him and Mack.

Eric looked around nervously and spotted him coming up to him. "Bobby!"

"Eric." Bobby shook the kid's hand and nodded toward Jason. After Jason left, he motioned for Eric to sit down at the table. "You got the money," he asked as he sat down next to him.

Eric was staring at his hands. He took a breath before looking at him; almost immediately he dropped his eyes back to his hands. "I heard you guys were meeting with Tony Ramirez tonight."

Bobby sat back in his chair and eyed Eric. No one knew about that except for the ones in on the meeting. "How'd you hear 'bout that?"

Eric was shaking his head. He looked up at him and this time kept his eyes locked on his. "You can't trust Tony. He's already trying to move into our territory."

Bobby leaned forward, nearly across the table, and stared hard at Eric. "Tell me everything."

Eric sighed and rubbed his face. "I did my usual route, you know. After my last visit, with Chris, I was on my way back here with the money. Tony cornered me before I got to my car. He had four other guys with him and they threatened me and then he took fifty grand. He said that Mack was already partners with him and that he was to get half. Then, he let his boys at me." He lifted up his shirt. His chest was covered in bruises. "If I come in with only half of what Mack's expecting…" he was pleading with him. "He'll…Mack will…"

"Hey," Bobby eased the kid down. "Mack's not going to do anything to you. You got that?"

Eric was nodding but he was looking scared.

Bobby sighed and stared at the kid. Even though he hated the undercover work and being one of these guys, he was also glad that he could be there to protect young kids like Eric. He'd tried at first to get Eric to get back in school and forget about running drug money for Mack, but the kid wouldn't listen. "I'll get Tony to tell Mack about the money. I'll make sure he understands that you came to me and told me what happened. Okay?"

Eric gave him a tentative smile. "Thanks Bobby."

Bobby stood and helped Eric out of the seat. "If you really wanted to thank me you'll get out while you still can."

Eric grinned proudly up at him. "I've been looking into engineering classes."

Bobby felt a real smile form on his face. "What, cars?"

Eric nodded. "Yeah, what'd you think?"

Bobby leaned down closer to him. "I know a guy who owns a car shop in Long Island City. If you want, I can hook you up with him on your days off. He'll guarantee you a job once you complete your classes."

Eric's eyes lit up but he glanced up toward the offices. "Mack won't just let me walk away, would he?"

Bobby eyed him for a moment. "Let me worry about him. You focus on getting that job."

* * *

"Is he always like that," Alex asked Maggie as she gestured toward Bobby who was across the room talking to another bouncer next to a group of rowdy men at a table.

Maggie was mixing a drink as she glanced over at her. "You mean the peacekeeper?"

Alex placed a beer in front of a customer. "Yeah."

Maggie turned to her as she opened the cash register and started counting change. "Let me tell you something 'bout Bobby. Before he came, this place was rough. The girls were being bad mouthed, spit on…even pulled off stage. The waitresses were being smacked around, and me…I had to watch my back every time I closed up. I still carry a piece in my purse, but I haven't felt like I needed it in nearly a year. You see," she shut the register and gave the guy at the bar his change before she continued saying, "Mack doesn't keep his eye on what's goin' on down here. He's more of the man behind the scenes. So, the bouncers are really running the show. Our head bouncer at the time, Scott, was a real jerk; he let the men do whatever they wanted as long as they slipped him a hefty tip."

"And then what, Bobby showed up?"

Maggie smiled and leaned back against the counter. "Yep. Once Mack told Bobby that he was to be in charge of the floor, he literally kicked Scott out on his ass. And then, a customer started in on one of the girls, Bobby threw him across the room and then dragged him out the door. The message was loud and clear after that. The bouncers started doing their jobs, and the men stopped acting like assholes. Every now and then someone new will come in and try to start something. Bobby gives them a warning, but only one. If he has to come back over to you, you better run."

"Is he ever…you know, with the girls?"

Maggie started laughing. "No, and believe me I think we've all tried; he keeps his distance. Very respectful. Nah, he's focused solely on the job and nothing else."

Alex was eyeing her. "Are you sure he's not gay?"

Maggie looked around until she saw Bobby across the room. "Well, we used to wonder. I mean, he turned every girl down that ever hit on him. But, he's been eyeing a woman. And that look ain't saintly."

"Oh," Alex said as she waited on another customer. "Who's that?"

Maggie gestured toward Bobby. "See for yourself."

Alex followed Maggie's gaze; she spotted Bobby across the room, he was watching her. When their eyes locked, he quickly looked away.

"He's been watching you all night."

"He, uh…" Alex trailed off as she regained herself. Bobby had been watching her all this time? "He could be checking up on me."

Maggie glared at her. "Huh-uh, if that's him checking up on someone, I'm almost afraid what'd he'd be like if he actually liked someone. He can't take his eyes off you."

Alex felt the brush on her cheeks. She wasn't supposed to be blushing over some criminal being interested in her. She shook her head. "I hope he doesn't start getting ideas, because I'm not interested."

"How can any woman not be interested in…_that_? If he gave me half the attention he's giving you I'll jump him right here and now."

Alex started laughing. She was actually feeling embarrassed, and not just for herself. "I didn't say that I wasn't attracted to him, I just said that I'm not interested in anything short term or long term. Period."

"Does a one night stand qualify as short term?"

Alex threw a handful of napkins at her. "End of discussion; we've got people to wait on."

Maggie was laughing as she started getting bottles of beer for a handful of angry and amused customers.

Neither one spoke again until almost an hour later.

"There they go."

Alex looked over and noticed what Maggie was talking about. Bobby was leading three men up the stairs with Rick bringing up the rear. They were heading toward the offices. "What's that about?"

Maggie glanced at her but didn't say anything.

Then it clicked and Alex knew that something illegal was going down in that office tonight.

* * *

Tony Ramirez was tall, dark, and incredibly stupid. Bobby watched as he shook hands with Mack before sitting down in the chair in front of the desk. The Puerto Rican gangster was only thirty years old, and he was cocky, selfish, and thought he was above everybody else. The two goons he'd brought with him weren't nothing compared to him and Rick. Goon One was thin and only about five foot eleven, while Goon Two was slightly bigger than One but shorter.

He had stripped them of their guns when they walked through the front entrance but they still tried to display an aura of toughness; what they displayed was arrogance. Bobby shook his head as he looked over at Rick.

Rick was a little over six feet with a solid build. And he himself was taller than everyone in the room and his body was built like a brick wall. If anything was going to go down, there was no question who would win.

They flanked the desk; he was to Mack's right and Rick was to the left. Bobby stood straight with his hands resting on the small of his back, just how he'd been trained to do while in the Army. The military stance worked like a charm. The goons were eyeing him and they started to look worried. The aura of toughness was slipping.

Bobby didn't pay much attention to the conversation between Tony and Mack. He chose to observe the men carefully, take in their twitches and tells. The goons were nervous as they kept fidgeting and shifting their weight from one foot to the other. Their fingers were itching for the security of the guns that they didn't have. It was amusing to watch.

"I promise you Mack, I'll never steal from you or--"

"Yeah, right," Bobby huffed out with a laugh.

Tony looked up at him with a death glare. "What's your problem?"

Bobby leveled Tony with a glare of his own. "You're lying." He quickly looked at Mack for reassurance before he ventured to continue. It took a while, but once Mack learned how he operated, he let him do his thing. Mack gave the nod, and he attacked. "What happened today with Eric?"

Tony laughed and shook his head. "I don't know anyone named Eric."

Bobby stepped around the desk and stopped in front of Tony. "You messed with one of our guys, Tony. You took something from him, something that belonged to Mack."

"I did no such thing. He's lying." Tony had to look around him to see Mack's face.

"Hey, I'm talking to you." Bobby leaned forward so his face was directly in front of Tony's. He saw the movement of the two goons out of the corner of his eyes and he quickly pulled his gun and pointed it at Tony's head. "I said, I'm talking to him," he eyed the guys. "Back, up."

Tony's goons shared shocked and worried glances before they backed away.

Bobby smiled. "Good. You have good boys, Tony. They know how to take orders." He returned his glare to Tony and his smile turned into something sly and wicked. "Now, I know what you did. And I want it back." He pressed the gun against Tony's forehead.

"I swear I didn't take any money." Tony was quivering in the chair, trying to get away from the gun.

Bobby wanted to laugh so he did. "Who said anything about money?"

Tony's fearful eyes went wide. "I-I…You said Eric. Eric runs your money."

Bobby's laughter suddenly stopped as he said, "But I thought you didn't know anyone named Eric. Hell, Tony, Rick doesn't even know about Eric."

Tony face fell as the blood ran from it. "I'm…I'll…I'll give it back."

"How. Much. Did. You. Take?" Bobby sing-song the words as the gun pressed harder, leaving a mark in Tony's skin.

Tony glared at him. "You're a fucking psycho. Mack! Where the hell did you find this lunatic?"

Mack only stared hard at Tony. "Bobby's ex-military; and if I were you, I'd answer his question."

Tony was shaking horribly bad now as he clenched his eyes shut. "F-fifty grand."

Bobby looked back at Mack and smirked. "That's good, Tony. Anymore…_confessions_ you'd like to make?"

Tony shook his head as his eyes opened.

Bobby straightened but kept the gun against Tony's head. Tony looked up at him as the fear intensified when the gun had yet to drop. He glared down at Tony with a dazed cold stare and Tony's eyes got real big before he pulled the trigger.

Tony flinched and stopped breathing at the click of the gun. A second later, he blinked his eyes open and let out a strangled breath. "Jesus…Oh, Jesus…You crazy…What'd they do to you while in the military? Torture you in a POW camp you sick bastard."

Bobby started laughing as he finally dropped the gun. He released the empty clip and tossed it across the room before taking the loaded clip out of his pocket. "Since that's settled, and Mack now knows what kind of man you really are, he can make a more…informed decision on your partnership." He snapped the clip in place and put the safety on before tucking it in the back of his jeans.

Mack was eyeing him with a satisfied grin before he glared at Tony. "I'm not deciding anything until I get my money back."

Hours later, Bobby watched as Tony and the two goons were escorted out of the office by Rick and Jason. He pulled out a cigarette and lit it. The first long drag seemed to calm every racing muscle in his body and put at ease his troubled mind.

"Thanks, Bob, seriously, you did great tonight."

Bobby glanced over at him from the chair he was sitting in. He was leaning back in it as he played with the lighter in his hand. "You think teaming up with Tony was the best decision?"

"I think he learned his lesson, and I really do need his connections."

Bobby nodded as he inwardly felt the relief. He thought that by making Tony confess that in front of Mack that he'd lose Tony; he was glad that he was wrong. "Eric has the other fifty downstairs."

Mack sat back down behind the desk and eyed him. "Is he okay?"

Bobby nodded as he stared at the smoke whirling around his head. "They did a number on him; he's tough. He's scared of you though."

"But he came to you, told you what happened?"

Bobby sat up straighter in the seat. "He was worried about disappointing you with not having the full amount. I told him not to worry." He took another long pull off the cigarette as he watched Mack work that over in his head.

"What'd you suggest?"

Bobby knew that was coming. Mack was better at the business side of things: the money, the distribution, the buying, the selling…but when it came to the 'politics' with the guys, he would rather them work it out amongst themselves than get involved. As it were, Mack made him in charge of making those decisions. "I always thought he was too young to be running the money for us. Not that he's not smart, but…He's not experienced."

"We can't just cut him loose, Bobby."

"I know." Bobby exhaled a huff of smoke and rubbed at the hair on his face. "I was thinking…We've been talking about getting someone in here running messages for us, delivery goods to our contacts, being in the places we can't because we're too busy. It'd be a better place for him to start than on the streets with a hundred grand or more in his car."

"Who'd run the money?"

Bobby leaned back in the chair. "Jason's interested in doing it. We'll only be down one bouncer instead of struggling to find another person we can trust."

Mack didn't even try to act like he was thinking it over as he nodded. He trusted him and his choices. "Sounds like you've already decided all this hours ago."

Bobby couldn't hide his smirk. "I did, but…I had to make it dramatic." Just then he heard his cell phone ring. "Who's…" he trailed off as he saw the name on the display. "Yeah," he said in way of greeting.

"Listen up, pimp," Fin rattled off. "You've got a breakfast date this morning. We just got word that a detective from Vice is also undercover at the club. So, not to cause any unnecessary problems and complications, they want you two to hook up."

Bobby was nodding into the phone. "Where? When?"

"Eight sharp. At Gina's Diner; it's on the corner of--"

"I know where it's at," Bobby interrupted him. "We'll meet there?"

"Yeah, very back booth by the exit, away from the window."

Bobby was nodding as he took mental note of that. "Sounds good, I'll be there."

"Cool." Fin was quiet for a second before asked, "Do you know who it might be?"

Bobby grinned into the phone. "Sure thing, baby." With that he turned his phone off and chuckled to himself. He could imagine the look on Fin's face as he hung up on him.

"Gotta date?"

Bobby nodded as the watched the smoke rings disappear above his head. "Yep, with a blond haired, brown eyed girl." He shivered at the thought of who he _hoped_ it would be. "Isn't that a Van Morrison song? 'You're my…brown eyed girl'," he started to laugh at himself as he blew smoke out of his mouth.

Mack shook his head as he opened a bottom drawer and took out his private stash of cocaine. "I would ask you to join me, but you're too crazy to do drugs."

"Yeah," Bobby mused. "I'd probably kill us all if I did that stuff." He got up and put his cigarette out in the ashtray. "Guess I'll get going."

"Is that girl working out?"

Bobby was confused for a moment before it dawned that he was talking about Alex. "She's great. Maggie loves her already."

Mack was cutting a line as he glanced up at him. "Then she gets the job. Good luck with the date."

Bobby nodded as he turned and left the office. It was getting close to closing time and the place was thinning out. Rick was at a table talking to one of the strippers he was trying to charm into going back to his apartment and Jason was at the door helping a few customers out of the club. He nodded to Jason as he walked up to him. "You, uh, know what we were talking about earlier?"

Jason nodded with anticipation.

"It's yours. You'll start Monday."

Jason smiled and slapped him on the back. "All right, thanks man."

Bobby gave a curt nod before he turned away and headed for the bar. Jason was a good guy, but he was a parolee whose first job out of the joint was going back to work for Mack as not only a bouncer but a dealer. Getting pinched was bound to happen sooner or later with Jason. At least now Eric had a chance at a normal life that didn't revolve around prison cells and parole boards. "Alex," he called as he strolled up to the bar.

Alex eyed him and smirked. "You look like hell."

"That seems to be the consensus of the week." Bobby had to smile back at the sarcasm. "I need a glass of Glenlivet." He pulled out his wallet and tossed a hundred on the bar.

Alex sat the drink down in front of him and went to get his change.

"It's yours," Bobby said before took a sip of the drink. "My drinks are free."

Alex flipped the bill over in her hands as her stunned eyes narrowed. "What's the deal?"

Bobby took a bigger swallow and marveled at the way it relaxed him. "Consider it early pay. You've got the job."

"A hundred bucks for one night?"

Bobby slowly smiled at her. "That's the going rate."

Alex took one last look at the money before she stuffed it into her pants pocket. "That with the hundred dollars in tips, _and _the two hundred you gave me last night…I've got my rent money."

"And it only took you two nights with me." Bobby chuckled as she threw an ice cube at him. "Easy, Alex. I'm the one that pays you." He watched as she helped clean up the bar. It wasn't until she was closing out the cash register when he ventured to see what she was up to after work. "Hey, uh, want to get breakfast with me?"

Alex glanced over at him and rolled her eyes. "Not really."

"You got plans already?"

"I got a hot date."

Bobby's smile faded. "Really?"

Alex walked over to him and leaned over the bar. She batted her eyelashes at him as she said, "A nice, hot bath and then I'm hoping it'd lead to my bed."

Bobby chuckled as he took a sip of his drink. "Sounds like all my hot dates for the last year."

"In a rut?" Alex straightened and started to do one last inspection around the bar.

Bobby played with the glass for a moment before he downed the rest of the drink. He circled the bar and opened the swinging door. "Is it really a rut when you prefer it that way?"

Alex eyed him from across the floor. "You prefer to be alone?"

Bobby shrugged as he went into the back room where the kitchen was. He cleaned off his glass and put it away. When he turned around, Alex was leaning against the doorframe. He couldn't help but give her the once over before catching her eye. "What?"

Alex didn't let on what she was thinking or feeling as she asked, "Why were you watching me all night?"

Bobby felt the teasing grin slip from his face.

"I saw you, so don't even try to lie about it."

He shifted his weight and tilted his head at her. Bobby didn't know if she wanted the real reason or the one that made it less awkward for the both of them. "I was…checking up on you." He started toward the door.

"Is that the truth?"

Bobby stopped next to her and leaned in closer to her. "Yes, it is." He went to walk away but then stepped back. "You sure you don't want to have breakfast with me?"

Alex looked up at him and pushed off the doorframe. "Positive."

Bobby smiled and nodded. "Okay. Jason will stay until you close up. Be careful leaving. You, uh…got a ride?"

"I'll take a cab."

Bobby wanted to protest but he didn't want to push things. "Make sure Jason stays with you until you get that cab. I'm, uh, usually the one to do that, the last to leave but I can't this morning."

"Do you always ramble and try to explain yourself," Alex asked as she made her way back into the other room where their lockers were.

Bobby watched her as she opened her locker and retrieved her jacket. When she looked over at him, he nodded and stepped away from the door frame. "All right, I'll see you later."

TBC…


	4. Ch3: Two Women and a Car

**A/N: Thanks again to everyone for their reviews!! I really do appreciate it! And like I said before, don't get used to all these quick updates. I'll be unable to post as frequently after this Sunday. Okay, on with the story.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

Bobby strolled into the diner and smiled at the older Italian woman behind the cash register. "Gina, good morning."

"Bobby," Gina grinned widely at him. "Isn't it too early for you?"

Bobby shrugged and leaned against the counter. "I'm meeting someone here. Uh, is there anyone seated over by the exit?"

Gina's eyes sparkled with amusement. "A woman."

Bobby glanced toward the back of the diner. "Blond and beautiful?"

Gina threw him a warning glare. "You be nice to her."

Bobby nodded and felt his cheeks blush. "Always." He headed toward the back of the diner. As soon as he rounded the corner, he saw her. She was looking over a menu and when he got a little closer she glanced up. "Alex," he greeted as he slid into the booth. "I guess we're going to have breakfast after all." He took his jacket off and sat it next to the wall.

Alex stared at him wide-eyed as she glanced toward the front entrance. "I'm--"

"Meeting someone?" Bobby raised a brow at her and smirked. "So am I." He picked up a menu and looked through it. "Have you been here before?"

Alex was still eyeing him. "No."

Bobby nodded. "They have good food. I live just around the corner, stop in here about once a week. I think I've had everything on the menu at least twice," he mused. He glanced over the top of the menu and caught her stare. "So, you lied to me. This," he gestured around, "is not a hot bath."

Alex just shrugged. "Can't a girl get breakfast before she goes home?"

Bobby fought with the idea of either keeping this going until she figured him out, or to come right out and blow both their cover. It was getting hard keeping his trap shut. "You're not a girl, Alex. You're a woman; and to repeat what I said last night, you're a woman that could very well kick my ass."

Alex leaned back in the booth and looked him over at that serious acknowledgment. She was looking like she was contemplating bailing or making a scene to get him out of there. Just when Bobby thought she was going to jump ship something sparked in her eyes and she shook her head. "What with the tattoos, cocky attitude, and nicely trimmed facial hair you look like the real deal Holyfield."

Bobby grinned and leaned a little closer to her over the table. "I pegged you for Vice the night I offered you the job."

Alex leaned over the table until they were almost touching. "And here I thought you were helping a poor woman out of a desperate situation."

Bobby chuckled and kept his gleeful grin. "Well, if I was wrong…I wouldn't have regretted it if I had." He sat back in the booth. "I really am a nice guy."

"So, I shouldn't believe Rick when he said that you were crazy?"

Bobby thought about that before shrugging. "I, uh…have to present myself in a, uh…certain way around Mack and the guys. If they think I'm crazy they leave me alone, and I don't have to deal with the drugs. Mack _won't_ let me deal with the drugs. He thinks if I get high I might kill him."

Alex was nodding and finally smiled. "At least you got a way to preserve yourself, and your cover. I've known guys who've gone too far."

"Me too," Bobby agreed. He eyed the counter as his thoughts wondered. The last person he needed to think about was his ex-partner.

"Is everything okay here?"

Bobby looked up at Gina and nodded. "Yeah, we're fine." He glanced at Alex and saw the same sadness in her eyes that he felt in his.

"All right, what can I get you? The usual?"

Bobby shook his head and gestured toward Alex. "Ladies first."

Alex ducked her head to hide the blush, but he caught it in time. "I'll have the home-style breakfast special with a side of fruit."

"How'd you want your eggs?"

"Scrambled, and coffee."

Bobby nodded and put the menu back in the holder by the wall. "I'll, uh, have the same. T-thanks, Gina."

Gina smiled and left the two of them alone once again.

"The usual?"

Bobby smirked as he tried to relax. "I told you I come here at least once a week. Gina knows me by name." He caught the question in her eyes. "My cover name, of course. I'm not stupid."

Alex raised her hands. "I didn't say it. So, _Robert Donovan_, I'm Alex Harding."

Bobby extended his hand and shook her hand. "Well, Miss Harding," he said as he tried to shift the conversation. "You're good with the job?"

Alex was starting to relax as she gave a slow nod. "It's tough, but…yeah. I'm ready to move on though. You can only take it for so long before…" she left the rest unsaid.

Bobby was nodding. He felt the same way. "Same here." After for years as a Narc he was ready to get the hell out. Try something different. It wasn't that he wasn't good at what he did, but it wasn't challenging enough for him, and it was getting too dangerous for him now. Doing surveillance was one thing, going undercover for a year was something entirely different. With surveillance he had twenty guys watching his back and the dealers didn't know who he was. Now, he was alone with one outside contact and he had criminals for friends. "But, it's kind of difficult now," he said with a laugh.

"You knew it was going to be difficult; why take it?"

Bobby gave the table his undivided attention as he rubbed at his jaw.

She was watching him closely. "You didn't."

Bobby glanced up at her and tried to force a smile that wasn't coming. "Let's just say the Captain made an offer I couldn't refuse."

Alex chuckled at 'The Godfather' reference. "Penance?"

Bobby shrugged a little. If only she knew. "It's more complicated than that." He shook his head and leaned on the table. "I'm glad it's you, 'cause if it was Maggie…I would've had a heart attack."

Alex grinned at that and watched as Gina returned to the table.

Gina placed the cups down and then settled the pot of coffee on the table. "Your orders will be right up."

Bobby smiled warmly at her and then turned back to Alex. "What 'bout you?"

Alex filled her cup as she said, "I thought before I left, I'd have some fun."

"Has it been worth it?"

She looked up at him and gave a sincere nod. "Yes, yes it has. I'll probably miss it."

He couldn't say the same, wished he could. Bobby took the coffee pot and filled his own cup. Taking a cautious sip, he added two creams to it. "The, uh…rules we're supposed to establish…I only have a few."

"Which are," Alex asked before she took a drink of her coffee.

Bobby leveled her with his eyes. "The drug angle, don't touch it. Everything else is fair game."

Alex was nodding. "Kind of figured that was part of it."

Bobby sat back and shook his head. "I'm serious."

"I know." Alex leveled him with a stare as well. "You've spent almost a year with these guys; I'm not going to do anything to cause you problems. What's the other one?"

Bobby looked her over for a moment. He'd only known her for a day, and he felt like he could already trust her. It was a troubling feeling. "Before you do anything, you talk it over with me."

"Is that a two-way street?"

Bobby didn't hesitant. "No."

Alex looked ready to protest.

Bobby held up his hands and leaned over the table. "Look, we're not…typical partners in this. We're not working the same thing. My operation," he emphasized. "Has more value than your busts in my opinion. If I think something might jeopardize it in anyway, I should have the right to call your guys off. And what I do has no weight on what you do. So, no, this isn't a two-way street."

"Don't you think that's unfair?"

Bobby sighed in frustration. "You can argue what's fair with me _after_ I take down the big guns, until then, _fair_ isn't my main concern, Alex."

Alex looked as if she wanted to say something when she glanced over his shoulder and sat back instead.

Bobby looked over and spotted Gina coming with their food. He straightened and allowed room for their plates to be sat down.

"Anything else I can get you two?"

"No," they said in unison.

Once she was gone, Bobby glanced at Alex. She still looked displeased with what they'd just talked about, but she didn't say anything as they started eating. It wasn't until she was done with her food that she spoke.

"So, we're not partners in this?"

Bobby swallowed the coffee he had in his mouth. She was eyeing him and waiting on an answer. "Not…specifically, but we are going to have to trust each other."

Alex's features were stern as she picked up her jacket and purse. "Trust, that's what partners do, Bobby."

Bobby leaned back and watched as she got up and stopped beside him. She took something out of her pocket and laid it on the table.

"And that _is _a two-way street." Alex removed her hand from the table and left the diner.

Bobby stared after her then turned back to the table. The three hundred dollars he'd given her was sitting in front of him. He grabbed the money and his jacket and took off after her. As he passed Gina, he tossed the bills onto the counter and nodded his thanks before he left.

Out onto the street, he searched around for Alex but through all the people and cabs going by Bobby didn't see her anywhere.

* * *

He loved picking his days off, which was everyday. Bobby didn't have to show up for work at the club until the evening hours unless Mack told him otherwise. That gave him the whole day to get everything done that he needed. Today, he was on a subway en-route to Long Island City. His car was ready.

And finally being able to drive again was keeping his thoughts of Alex and their breakfast date at bay for the time being. He was fully focused on getting to the shop; his adrenaline was already spiking through the roof just thinking about getting behind the wheel to his car.

The car had been in the shop for over a month having been involved in a wreck. A rival gang member of Mack's had spotted him and gave the passenger side of his car a good once over. He had come out fine, but his car was another story. Lewis nearly had tears in his eyes when he had it brought in.

They had spent a little over two years putting the classic car together in Lewis's shop and to have to have it brought in with the whole passenger side looking like it'd just come out of the junk yard was indeed a very sad day. But now, he was finally getting it back.

The subway train came to a slow stop and Bobby quickly jogged through the tunnel and out onto the main street. He was only five blocks from Lewis's shop so he didn't bother with a cab.

A cold rain started to come down a block from the shop. He jogged through the open garage doors and right into the back where the office was. It was empty, per usual. Lewis hardly ever hung around in the office for very long. However, there was an envelop waiting for him on the desk, right where it should have been.

He opened the envelope and out dropped a key chain in his hand with two keys on it. Bobby left the office without ever speaking to anyone, not even Lewis who he spotted buried half-way under a '64 Lincoln Convertible.

Stepping through a set of doors and into the show room, he spotted his car already by the garage door, ready for him. "It's good to have you back," he whispered under his breath as he slid into the 1966 Pontiac GTO. He grinned widely as he heard the engine roar to life.

"Oh, baby, baby, baby." Bobby let the engine roar to life one more time before he pressed the button to open the garage door.

This was why Fin never let him drive when they were together. Once he was on I-684 headed north, he made the hour and a half drive to Carmel Ridge in thirty minutes flat. He couldn't help it; as soon as he got behind the wheel of something with a V8 engine he couldn't do anything except go fast. And thankfully, he knew how to drive like that without doing something stupid like crash.

The nurse greeted him at the front desk like always. Bobby smiled warmly at Doris who was on the phone as he signed-in.

Doris hung the phone up and smiled back at him. "Aren't you a day early, Bobby?"

Bobby shrugged weakly as he let the pen drop back to the paper. "I have plans tomorrow. Is she doing okay today? I called yesterday and she sounded…agitated."

Doris rolled her eyes at that. "I would have been agitated too. She got a new roommate, Miss Eleanor Brown; she's bipolar."

Bobby frowned and glanced down the hall. "Did she know about the roommate before, or…did Dr. Schimo wait until last minute to spring it on her?"

"He told her every day for two weeks, I think that she didn't want to accept it. She's used to being on her own."

"Uh, thanks, Doris," Bobby said as he headed down the hall. His adrenaline was still pumping from the drive up that he took the long way around to the room to try and wear off some of it. He didn't bother taking off his leather jacket. If his mother saw the tattoos on his arm, even though they weren't real, she'd freak.

By the time he was opening the door to his mother's room, he was feeling less wired. Bobby looked around the room and found it empty. Okay, not in there. He checked the schedule on the door and realized that on Saturdays from one to two in the afternoon his mom was in the Arts & Crafts room, painting.

Bobby walked around the place until he found the room he was searching for. It was a big room with open windows. He could hear the birds chirping and smell the rain. Near one of the windows, he spotted the woman he was looking for. His mother's short grey hair was curled and framed around her face. Her makeup was light and blended well into his natural colors. She was looking stunning as always. "Ma," he leaned down and kissed her cheek.

Frances was stunned at his sudden appearance at her side. "Bobby! You're here early."

Bobby grabbed an empty chair and sat down next to her. "I can't make it tomorrow, so I came today. What's that?" He asked as he pointed to the picture she was painting.

"Oh, just the scenery. That's our subject for…Why are you all wet," Frances suddenly asked as she picked up a brush and dipped it in blue.

Bobby nodded as he watched her start to paint the sky. "It was raining, what subject was last time?"

"Anything we wanted. I think I painted…" Frances trailed off as she looked over at the woman next to her. "Eleanor, this is my son, Bobby. He came all the way up here from the city."

Bobby smiled at the other woman and glanced at the picture she was painting. The sky was a bright pink while the trees were yellow. "Wow, that's very colorful."

Eleanor just smiled at him as she continued to paint.

Bobby returned his attention back to his mom and found that she was staring at the picture. "Are you and Eleanor getting along, Ma?"

Frances looked at him like she was seeing him for the first time that day. "Bobby?" The questioning in her voice wasn't hard to miss.

Bobby felt the sadness fill his heart as he smiled at her. "Yeah, I'm here. Hey," he said as he picked up her free hand and kissed the back of it as he cradled it in his hands. "Do you need anything?"

Frances looked around the room and shook her head. "I'm getting tired."

"It's almost two." Bobby looked at the clock. "Want to go back to your room? I'm sure the doctors won't mind if you go back a little early."

"Well," Frances sat the brush down. "It's hard to say. Seeing how there are three of us now, it might not be possible. Besides, it feels warm in here, I'm fine.

Bobby closed his eyes and nodded. "You're right, I should have thought about Eleanor. We have to wait for her, right?"

Frances nodded as she picked the brush back up. "Of course, she's a wearing a dress."

Bobby nodded. _Of course._

An hour later, Bobby left his mother's room and found Dr. Schimo in the cafeteria. He nodded to the doctor as he sat down across from him at the table. "Doctor, I wanted to speak to you about my mother."

Schimo shook his hand as he asked, "What exactly do you want to discuss?"

Bobby leaned over the table as he explained, "Her thought disorder, it's worse than before. I mean, I talked to her yesterday and she was a little disorganized but nothing like today."

Schimo nodded in agreement. "It's due to a couple of things. She got a new roommate for the first time in ten years. And, the medication she's on now is good at handling the delusions but not her logic. We're trying to figure out which one will conquer both, but I doubt it'll happen. So, which would you rather her deal with, the delusions or jumbled thoughts?"

Bobby sighed as he leaned back in the chair. "Neither, but…I sure as hell don't want her to suffer anymore delusions. I'm used to the thought disorder. I can understand what she's trying to say most of the time."

Schimo took a long swallow from his soda before smiling at him. "You sometimes take on the different speech patterns yourself."

Bobby stared at the doctor. "Only when I have to, like when I'm talking to Schizophrenics. They respond better to someone addressing them in their own way of speaking. With my mom, if I want to ask her a question I do it in the middle of saying something else."

"Distractible speech, that's her specialty. It's no wonder you do it all the time."

Bobby rested his head on his balled hand. "Yeah, and me being a detective helps. Questioning is a huge part of the job. But my mother's experiencing more than that. She's suffering from tangentiality, illogicality, and she forgot that I was even there at one point."

"The lapses in memory is from the medication, but she always had a severe case of disorganized thought. It's just heightened now because of the new medication and stress."

Bobby rubbed at his face and eyes. "Like the introduction of Eleanor into her life."

"Exactly. It'll get better for her soon."

Bobby could only nod in agreement. There wasn't much he could do. "Okay, thanks for talking to me."

"Why are you a day early? Ever since I can remember, you come every Sunday."

Bobby sighed in frustration and got up. He didn't like having to explain himself all the time. "I've got plans."

* * *

Bobby hardly let any thing affect his job, nor his cover. But, he couldn't stop thinking about Alex as he drove back to the Bronx. His mind was occupied with what she'd told him at the diner. In order to do his part effectively he couldn't be complicated with anyone. Not even another officer. He thought she'd understand that, thought that she would agree to his terms. He should have known she'd be stubborn about it and reluctant to be kept in the dark on his end of things.

There was nothing he could really do about it now. It was his decision to bring her in if she was with Vice; and he was glad for it. He didn't regret it one bit. Maybe he was being the stubborn one. Tonight at work he was going to have to have a serious talk with Alex. The first thing he was going to have to do was apologize.

Trust; they were going to have to trust each other. And Alex had been right. Partners did that, friends did that; and they weren't either of those two things. That was going to have to change.

He shifted gears and once off the interstate he had to focus on the streets; the rain had made the buildings and streets look grittier than ever. Pulling into the underground parking garage a block from his apartment, he got out and made his way toward his apartment. It was nearly five, and he had to get ready for another night at the club.

TBC…


	5. Ch4: Setting the Record Straight

**A/N: Thanks again and again and again to everyone for their wonderful reviews!! I really do appreciate it! **

* * *

Just from the outside he could tell that it was going to be a busy night. He pulled up beside Rick's car in the back parking lot and got out; pressing the buttons for both the locks and the alarm he heard someone coming up behind him.

Rick stopped next to him as he stared at the car. "Okay, I must admit. It's no longer a _classic_ piece of shit. Love the dark grey and black. Very pimp, man."

Bobby stared over at Rick and rolled his eyes. "What're you doing out here anyway?"

Rick smirked as he took a drag off something Bobby knew wasn't legal. "Taking a break."

Bobby shook his head as he headed toward the doors. "Mack doesn't pay you to get high, Rick." He let the back door shut before Rick could say anything back to him.

He wasn't in the mood to put up with the guy, nor what he did on his 'break'. As soon as he was in the club, with loud music damaging his ears, Bobby was in search of one person: Alex.

"Whoa, hey, Bouncer Bobby!"

He heard a woman yelled from off to his side. Bobby glanced over and saw one of the waitresses, Ashley Townsend, strolled over to him. He groaned inwardly but smiled softly to the young girl. "Ashley."

"I just wanted to thank you for the other night, setting those assholes straight. They're back tonight, and look," she held up a couple of bills. "They're tipping me!"

Bobby nodded to her as he tried to look around the club toward the bar. "That's great." When he glanced back down at her, he saw that look in her eyes again and suddenly wished he hadn't stopped. He knew she had a 'thing' for him, and he always tried to let her down as gently as possible, like all the other girls that hit on him. "I'm really glad; you deserve it. Look," he heard the back door shut and was relieved when he saw Rick coming up behind him. "I've got stuff to take care of. Rick!"

Rick stopped mid-step and eyed him. Then he caught sight of the girl next to him and Bobby saw the teasing smirk that flashed on his face before it was gone. "Yea, boss."

Bobby walked up beside him and motioned for him to follow him toward the back rooms behind the bar. Once they were far enough away, he heard, "She's stalking you." He glared at Rick and sighed. "She's not…stalking, but she is driving me crazy."

Rick started laughing and leaned up against the edge of the bar. "I'll bang her for ya; to, you know, keep her off your back."

Bobby grimaced at Rick as he walked around the bar. "Don't you have a girlfriend? And, you can't go around sleeping with every female you work with."

Rick eyed him seriously. "What's your problem? Maybe you wouldn't be so touchy if you got laid."

Bobby felt like pounding Rick, but he spotted Alex in the back room, hanging up her jacket. "Just, don't mess with her; all right?"

Rick shrugged and turned his attention back to the stage.

Bobby shut the door that separated the back rooms and kitchen from the rest of the club. It blocked out some of the noise; he could not only hear but feel the bass beat off the walls. Alex hadn't noticed him yet; it gave him a minute to get it straight in his head exactly what he was going to say. He had to keep it as vague as possible; he knew for a fact that Mack had these rooms monitored.

Alex suddenly looked up and he felt his world tilting. That sent a wave of confusion coursing through him as he stared back into her dark eyes. What was it about her that did that to him? Feeling a little off and nervous, Bobby walked into the room and leaned against one of the lockers. "We got to talk."

"About?" Alex gave him a glare and he felt his stomach twist.

Bobby rubbed at his head. The room was feeling hot and stuffy, it was making it hard to breathe and think straight. Alex was dressed like the night before, except she wore a light blue tank top and tight navy jeans. Maybe she was the reason he wasn't thinking straight? He saw her look down, toward the floor. Walking over, he acted like he was watching something below her feet. "What is it," he asked as he stepped down hard on the floor. "Damn bugs."

Alex looked up at him, confused until he winked. Immediately she got it and stepped back from the locker. "Thanks."

Bobby nodded a little as he stepped back. They had to tread lightly if they were going to keep their cover. And now they both were equally cautious, and quiet. He sat down in a chair that was by the wall and smiled over at her. She was still standing, waiting. "Why did you give me the money back?"

Alex huffed out a breath of air and crossed her arms. "Trust, remember."

Bobby felt the anxiousness rush through him as he was getting frustrated himself. His hands wrung together as he tried to ask her the questions that filled his head. "You don't want the money I pay you?"

Alex glanced around the room quickly. He could tell she was trying to keep her calm and find a way to answer him. "I don't touch drug money."

Bobby flinched and rubbed at his head. "Then you're lucky. I don't do drugs." He stared over at her but could tell she didn't believe him. "There's nothing on that money, Alex. Nothing," he emphasized the words, hoping she'd understand. The money he got from Mack went where it was supposed to go: right into Fin's hands and into evidence. The money he had was clean; it was his pay from the department.

Alex was still eyeing him. She was cautious, as she should be. There were a lot of corrupt cops, especially in Narcotics. He wasn't going to try and deny it; one of his partners had crossed that line and betrayal not only him but the either NYPD. She finally started toward the door. "How can I be so sure?"

Bobby closed his eyes and shook his head. She couldn't; not really. As he looked up at her, he just knew that she could be trusted. He had the same feeling before while they were at the diner. But with her, he was going to have to gain it; earn it. He stood and went to the door. "You can't," he said as he walked into the kitchen and headed for the closed door.

"Why aren't you threatening me with the job?"

Bobby stilled with his hand on the doorknob. He turned back to her. She was standing in the doorway to the other room. "Why would I," he asked in confusion. "I don't regret you being here, Alex. I'm not going to deny you this opportunity just because we're disagreeing on things. I trust you being here." He went to open the door; loud music pounded at his head and he glared into the body of the club. "Maggie's looking like she's 'bout to go nuts if you don't get out there."

Alex smirked and started toward him. "What did you do with the money?"

Bobby smirked. "I left Gina a generous tip."

"Good, she probably needs it more than I do." Alex stepped out and went behind the bar. "Oh, and just so you know," she stared up at him as she took an empty shot glass out for a customer, "I don't need your generosity."

Bobby watched her for a moment before nodding. "Okay."

* * *

He felt something on his shoulder as he drifted slowly out of sleep. Bobby blinked his eyes open to be staring into a warm friendly smile. Alex was sitting next to him at the bar.

"Wake up, sleepy head. We're closing up."

Bobby moaned into his arm and sat up straighter on the stool. He'd been waiting for everyone to finish cleaning and closing up and had inadvertently dozed off. Looking around, he spotted that Rick and Maggie were still there, they were at a back booth, talking to each other.

Alex scooted a cup toward him and Bobby realized it was full of coffee. "I made it how you like it; two creams, no sugar."

"Thanks, you didn't have to." Bobby took the cup and took a hesitant sip before drinking half of it.

"Have you gotten any sleep?"

Bobby shrugged a little. "I'm used to it." He smiled warmly back at her as he rubbed at his head. "I was supposed to have apologized earlier."

Alex frowned at him in confusion. "When?"

"When, uh…we talked." Bobby took another drink off the cup and wished he had more. Alex bumped him in the shoulder and pointed over to the counter. There was a half-full pot of coffee. He got up and rounded the bar as he continued. "You're right. It is a two-way street."

Alex was watching him the whole time he fixed himself another cup. When he turned to look at her, she was looking slightly guilty. She gave him a weak smile as she declared in defeat, "I was going to say the same thing, except, I understand and you were right."

Bobby chuckled as he took a long drink from the cup. He was slowly coming back to life. The caffeine was starting to kick in. Leaning over the bar and tilting his head toward Alex, he said, "We need to find a middle ground here. And we have to be able the trust one another, so…You are right. If we can't be friends, we have to at least be partners."

Alex was giving him a bemused smirk. "We can't be both?"

"I've tried that before, doesn't really work." Bobby couldn't tell if Alex was trying not to laugh or keep from apologizing. "I'm not easy to work with," he explained. "And friends don't come easy."

"You don't have many friends? I can't begin to imagine," came her sarcastically dry remark.

Bobby couldn't keep from laughing. Alex was the only person he'd met in a long time that kept him smiling. "I didn't say I don't have friends, I have many. It's just…Well," he stood back and held up his arms. "The man who gave me these, spent two years in Rikers on a drug charge."

"So, you have very _colorful_ friends."

"Colorful doesn't begin to describe the people I hang with."

Alex laughed at little and turned as Maggie and Rick came up to the bar. "Ready?"

"Actually," Rick went to say. "We were thinking about staying for a while; it is Sunday, the club is closed all day, and we have nothing to do. So, who wants to play pool?"

Bobby stilled as he raised the cup to his mouth. "Oh, no. The last time I stuck around to play pool with you, I woke up Monday regretting it."

"C'mon, Bobby," Rick whined a little. "All right, look, we won't take shots after every dropped ball. Or after every scratch or after every game we win."

"So, we're not drinking at all."

Rick shrugged. "I'm drinking. You can drink if you want to, but it won't be part of the game."

"I don't know," Alex finally spoke up.

Rick eyed her and pointed over to the pool table near the very back, far wall. "That table hardly gets played on. The only people that play pool on it are employees and it's either before the club opens or after it closes. And, it's free of charge."

Bobby watched Alex closely as he pulled out a cigarette and lit it. Drinking coffee usually made him crave a smoke, and he hadn't had one in about a day. "I'm in."

Alex turned and eyed him for a moment. "Okay; me too."

Bobby smiled around the cigarette and grabbed a bottle of Scotch as he rounded the bar.

"I thought you weren't drinking."

Bobby tossed the bottle to Rick as he told Alex, "I'm not."

"All I've got to say is that Rick is _not _on my team," Maggie declared as she picked out a cue stick. "I'm taking Alex. Boys vs. girls, what'd you say?"

Rick grinned wide as he tossed over a cue stick to him. Bobby caught the stick and felt the weight of it as he heard Rick respond.

"I say, 'boys rule, girls drool'."

Bobby stared over at Rick and shook his head. "Where's Mack when I need him."

Alex was just leaning against the pool table, laughing at them.

Bobby smiled at her as he started racking the balls. "What's so funny?"

Alex shrugged as she pushed herself off the table and went over to claim a cue stick. "Feels like I'm playing with Larry, Curly, and Moe."

Bobby stared over at her. "I hope I'm Moe."

"The brains of the outfit, of course."

Maggie sat on the edge of the table. "Okay, who goes first?"

Rick took a shot of the Scotch before he announced. "Let's decide this like men. Rock, paper, scissors."

Alex laughed as she said, "If that's how men decide things no wonder we've had so many wars."

Bobby finished racking the balls and tossed the rack onto a table. "Good thing Rick isn't a man." He gestured to Alex and Maggie. "Ladies first."

Alex beamed as Maggie gestured for her to break. "Yep. Real man," he nodded to him. "Real big boy," she then glared at Rick.

"Bite me," Rick shot back.

Bobby leaned against the wall and started to observe everyone. This was going be an interesting morning.

Over an hour later they were on their fifth game, both teams were tied at two games each. There were only seven balls left, three for each team plus the eight ball, and Rick, with the help of Maggie, was already through the bottle of Scotch. Bobby sat down next to Alex and handed her the bottle water she asked for as they both watched Rick at the table.

Rick took his time as he rounded the table. "Anybody ever notice how sexual the game of pool is?"

Bobby glanced at Alex who looked over at him. They both rolled their eyes at Rick in dismay and smiled at each other when they noticed they did the same thing.

"I mean it." Rick eyed the table as he picked up the bottle and finished it off before explaining. "This part of the cue stick is called the shaft." He bent down against the table as he lined up a shot. "And you stroke the shaft in your fingers, like so," he said as he took several practice strokes. "Then you hit the balls with the tip of the stick into--"

"Rick," Bobby interrupted. "Knock it off."

Rick smirked up at him. "Why, you're blushing worse than the women, Bobby."

Bobby ducked his head a little and glanced over at Alex who was trying hard not to start laughing. "I'm here to play pool, not hear about how horny you obviously are."

"I'm a man." Rick turned his attention back to the table. "Who invented pool anyway," he asked as he pulled the cue back and took his shot.

"The British," Bobby answered as he took a pull off a cigarette.

Rick smirked as he watched the ball bounce off the side of the pocket, missing. "Kinky bastards."

"Ha, you missed," Maggie exclaimed as she ushered Rick away from the table and eyed it.

Bobby smiled down at Alex. She was resting back against the wall watching in amusement at the two people who were bickering back at forth with each other. "Doing okay?"

She looked up at him; Alex's brown eyes were sparkling with amusement but they were also sleepy looking. "Getting tired."

Bobby nodded; so was he. "This is the last game," he called out to Rick and Maggie. "We're ready to go."

Rick shook his head. "If you two would have been drinking like the rest of us, you'd be wide awake."

"No," Bobby said as he put out his third cigarette. "I'd be passed-out."

"That's 'cause you're old."

Bobby leveled Rick with a stare. "What'd you call me?"

Rick was grinning from ear-to-ear. "Old. As in past his prime."

Bobby stood and walked slowly toward Rick.

Rick was still looking smug and cocky as always. "Ooo the big, bad, crazy soldier is going to fuck me up."

Bobby still didn't say anything as he stopped in front of Rick. He wasn't going to fight him; Rick was drunk and couldn't see straight, and he was sober. Instead, he leaned down and smiled slowly at Rick. "I may be older than you, but at least I'm still standing."

Rick's smile faded as he became confused.

Bobby reached out and barely shoved Rick. Rick stumbled backwards across the floor and fell right on his ass. "See."

Rick glared up at him as he continued to lie on the floor. "Asshole, help me up!"

"Hell no," Bobby said as he shook his head. "Stay there and sober up. I'm 'bout ready to win the game anyway."

"Oh yeah," Maggie huffed out as she took her shot, sinking a ball into the side pocket. She then lined up for another shot, but the cue-ball missed by an inch. "Damn it."

Bobby smirked as he eyed the table. "If I win, in two shots; we go home."

Maggie eyed him then the table. "You have to sink all three of your balls, plus the eight ball."

Bobby bent down over the table and aimed. "Like I said, two shots. Do we all agree?"

"I don't," Rick slurred as he tried to get up on his feet.

"You don't count." Bobby took his first shot. The cue-ball split the two solid balls, spending one to one corner pocket, the other to the other corner pocket. The cue-ball went straight, right into the other solid ball and spending it the two inches into the middle pocket. The eight ball was directly across from the cue-ball, sitting in front of the other middle pocket. He rounded the table and took aim.

Maggie then decided to make it interesting. She placed the scotch bottle right in the middle of the path. "There. Now try."

Bobby eyed the bottle then looked up at Maggie. He smiled smugly at her as he changed his aim. Instead of hitting the ball straight on, he aimed his stick down and to the side. "You know, Pool is ten percent where you hit the ball, ten percent power applied to hitting the ball, and eighty percent geometry." He hit the side of the ball so hard it gave it a backspin and sent it with one hop to the side of the bottle and then it curved around and headed right straight toward the eight ball. The cue-ball collided with the eight ball sending it into the pocket. "And that's how you win a game."

"I can't believe it." Maggie stared over at him and shook her head. "You curved the ball."

Alex put her stick back up as she reached out for his. "Where'd you learn that?"

Bobby handed her his cue stick as he started cleaning up. "The Army, I had a friend named Alan Daniels. He taught me how to play."

"What happened to him?"

Bobby shrugged as he picked up the empty bottle and headed over to the bar. "He got killed." He tossed the bottle into the trash and made his way to one of the backrooms. Retrieving his jacket, he turned and nearly ran into Alex who had stopped just inside the door. "Ready?"

Alex nodded. "Let me grab my stuff." She then started to apologize, "I'm sorry, I--"

Bobby shook his head as he motioned for her to follow him out of the room. "Don't be. I'm fine and you didn't know." He ventured out into the main room and watched as Maggie was heading out of the club with Rick in tow. He followed and reached around Rick before he could do something stupid, like try and drive home. He grabbed Rick's keys out of his hand.

"Hey, what?! Bobby, give me my keys back," Rick yelled as he stumbled out onto the sidewalk.

Bobby handed the keys to Maggie. "You're not driving. Maggie will keep your keys until the cab drops you off." He waved down a cab for the both of them and helped Maggie get into it. Rick was mumbling under his breath, protesting at being treated like a child. He just ignored him as he pushed him into the cab.

"Watch it," Rick demanded as he slipped into the back of the cab. "My back hurts because of you."

Bobby grinned. "Who's sounding old now?"

Rick groaned and rested his head back on the seat. "If I wasn't wasted, I'd hit you."

Bobby couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of that. "Keep talking, big man." He gave the driver a hundred. "Take these two home and keep the change."

"You got it."

Bobby backed away from the cab and turned to go back into the club. He locked the front doors and picked up his jacket from where he had tossed it when he ran after Rick. Alex was just coming out of the back rooms. "Want a ride? I can drive you home."

Alex thought about it for a moment before she nodded. "Okay. They didn't drive did they?"

Bobby shook his head as he pulled on his jacket. "I got them a cab." They headed toward the back door together and he set the alarm and doubled checked everything before he closed the locked the back door. The only car left in the parking lot was his and Rick's.

"Which one's yours?"

Bobby nodded toward the Pontiac as he went to unlock the passenger door for her. He held it open for her. Once she was in, he rounded the car and got in.

"Very nice."

Bobby smiled over at Alex as she inspected his car. "Yeah?"

"It's a '66, right?"

Bobby blinked back in surprise as he started the engine.

"Sounds like a V8 engine."

Bobby couldn't think as he stared over at her in shock. He watched as she smiled over at him. She started to laugh at the obvious surprise on his face.

"What? Can't a girl know something about cars?"

Bobby grinned as he backed out of the parking spot. "I guess. So, who was it?"

"My dad. When he wanted a son, he got me."

Bobby glanced over at her. "I'm glad he got you. You're way pretty than any guy."

Alex slapped him lightly on the arm. "Take a right," she said before eyeing him. "You think I'm pretty, huh?"

Bobby shook his head as he waited for the traffic to clear before he pulled out onto the main street. "Actually, you're quite beautiful. But, I think I already told you that the first night we met."

"You were serious?"

Bobby frowned as he took a quick glance at her. "Yeah, uh…Why wouldn't I be?"

Alex moved her hair back out of her face as she said, "Well, I wasn't exactly looking my best that night."

Bobby thought about that before saying, "If that was you looking your worst, I'd have a heart attack seeing you at your best."

Alex blushed slightly as she said, "At the light, go left."

Bobby did as he was told and was unsettled when Alex fell silent next to him. He could have taken it too far; they were supposed to be partners in this right? So, maybe he did step over that invisible line and made her uncomfortable. He couldn't say that he didn't mean it, that'd sound condescending. And he did mean it.

The silence in the car grew until Alex broke it saying, "It's the apartments up here on the left."

Bobby slowed and spotted a parking spot on the right side of the street. He parked and eyed the building across the street. "I'll walk you up."

Alex was looking uncertain of that. "You don't have to."

Bobby got out of the car and looked around. "I want to. It might be good to know where we both live, just in case."

Alex slowly got out and locked the door before rounding the vehicle.

Bobby followed her across the street as he glanced around. It wasn't too far from where he was staying. He held the door for her as he followed her in. The halls were dark and hardly lit as they made their way up four flights and down a long hallway. "You feel safe here?"

Alex raised her brows. "Not as much as I do in my own home, but its okay. I can take care of myself."

Bobby nodded. "I didn't say you couldn't." He leaned against the wall as he watched her unlock her door. "Thanks for staying. I had fun."

Alex smiled up at him as she opened her door. "The next time we play pool will you teach me that trick shot?"

Bobby's smile was easy as he felt the anticipation of getting to spend more time with her. "Definitely. I'll, uh, see you tomorrow then. Have a good day." He turned and started for the stairs.

"Bobby?"

He stopped and turned back around.

Alex started to blush again. "I don't mind that you think I'm beautiful."

Bobby felt his heart skip a beat at that acknowledgement. He watched her disappear into her apartment as the door closed and felt a swell of excitement in his chest.

If it hadn't been for the fact that he had to get some sleep before he met with Mack at his house that afternoon, he would have asked Alex to spend the day with him. Maybe they could get a late dinner together. He'd have to call her later.

TBC…


	6. Ch5: Finding the ‘In’

**A/N: I'm back!! Thanks again and again and again to everyone for their wonderful reviews!! I really do appreciate it! **

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Mack lived in a brownstone near Riverdale in the Bronx. It was a high class neighborhood, full of rich and powerful people. Hardly anyone questioned why the short bulky Italian man lived there; they just titled him as another prosperous, well-to-do businessman.

Bobby knew the truth; as did the NYPD. Once the shit hit the fan about Mack, he suspected that the oblivious neighbors were going to start being more wary about who they invite to their dinner parties. He pulled up behind Mack's Mercedes Benz and eyed the car. During his first month undercover he had tried to place a tracking device on it only for Mack to start checking his vehicle for just such a thing every day and night.

Unfortunately for him, he was not the one assigned that particular job. Bobby got out of his car and jogged up the steps and pushed the buzzer. Mack had the first and second floor of the brownstone while his brother had the third and fourth.

That brother was DeMarco Vincennes; he too had a rap sheet and was Mack's 'accountant'. That just meant that DeMarco was the one responsible for laundering the money and helping Mack commit tax fraud.

DeMarco was the one to answer the door. "Bobby," the slightly younger, much taller Vincennes brother greeted him. "Come in, make yourself a drink. Mack will be out in a minute."

Bobby nodded to DeMarco and headed across the room, to the bar and poured himself a drink. His nerves were a little on edge from wondering why he had been invited to Mack's home. That had never happened before.

He glanced around the open rooms and took in the tall ceiling that was painted like the Sistine Chapel though it lacked the original masterpiece's breathlessness and amazing craftsmanship. The décor was simple yet everything cost a grand or more, from the three thousand dollar Reid armchair and ottoman to the ten thousand dollar entertainment center. And he also had a Pershing 64, which was a luxurious mega-yacht. Mack was a drug dealer living the high life; it made him furious.

He couldn't wait to take Mack down and slap him with a sentence of 15 to life. And hopefully that'd only be the beginning. With Mack he was going to throw everything at the wall and see what stuck: tax fraud, laundering, distributing/selling/buying of cocaine, and there'd been several hits that have been attributed to Mack but none of those could be proven. And unfortunately, Mack had yet to order him to make a hit on anyone. That would have been a slam-dunk for sure.

Maybe that was why he was there. It was the first time he'd been invited to Mack's home and it greatly made him even more suspicious. He had no idea what he was doing there or why, just that Mack wanted him there that day. Downing the drink, Bobby sat the glass down and wandered around the room. He was getting antsy and the more he had to wait around the worse it got.

"Bobby, you made it."

Bobby turned and shook Mack's hand. "Told you I'd come."

Mack's smile widened a fraction. "That you did. Come into the den, we've got things to discuss."

Bobby felt his stomach twist. _What in the hell was going on? _He was led to a room in near the back of the house. It consisted of a bar, a couple of two piece couches, and a fireplace. There was a woman in the room, Brenda, Mack's wife, and a girl sitting on one of the couches who looked to be not a day older than thirteen. He didn't know Mack had a child older than his five year old son, Lucas.

Mack stopped next to his wife. She was an Italian woman in her early forties with long black hair, brown eyes, and the sweetest of smiles. Her white blouse was a contrast to the black skirt that flowed freely around her legs.

Bobby smiled warmly at the woman. "Mrs. Vincennes, pleasure to see you again."

Brenda smiled back at him as she shook his hand gently. "Bobby, it's been too long. Nearly five months."

"You stopped coming by the club; I was starting to wonder if I made such a bad first impression you didn't want to see me again."

She smiled wide at him as she chuckled a little. "Hardly."

"Brenda went on vacation; travelled around Italy, visited some family. She just got back a few days ago," Mack explained as he crossed the room. "Can I get you a drink?"

Bobby shook his head at the offer. "No, thanks, I already had one."

"Have another."

Bobby really didn't want to drink too much; he had to stay aware of everything, and one, but he didn't see a way out of it. It was their day off; he was supposedly a bachelor with no family, and no obligations to anyone except himself and Mack. If he tried to come up with a reason to not drink it wouldn't sit right. "Yeah, okay. I guess if I get too loaded I could always take a cab."

"Nah, I'll have my driver take you." Mack grinned over at him before he filled a tall glass with scotch.

_Great._ Bobby smiled kindly at Brenda before he turned his attention to the girl. "I wasn't aware you had a daughter."

Brenda managed a tight smile. "She's, a friend of the family."

That didn't sound right with Bobby and suspicion in him grew. Brenda had said that liked she was coached, and she didn't believe the words. He nodded anyway and smiled at the girl. "Oh. Did you bring her here from Italy?"

Brenda glanced over at Mack as he made his way toward them. "Something like that."

Bobby eyed her for a second before he took the drink. "Uh, thank you, sir."

"That's Bobby, always the respectful soldier." Mack beamed and gestured for him to take a seat on the couch next to the girl.

Bobby eyed the spot and his stomach nearly did a cart-wheel. He slowly sat down and gave the girl a nice smile before he returned his attention back to Mack. Brenda was leaving the room and shutting the door behind her. Okay, he definitely did not like this at all. He stared at Mack as he sat down across from him and took a sip of the alcohol. "So, what's all this about?"

"You don't beat around the bush at all, do you Bobby?"

Bobby glanced between Mack and the girl. He had to get her out of the room, quickly. "Does she have to stay in here?" he asked as he nodded toward the girl.

Mack shrugged. "You don't want her too? She doesn't understand what we're saying; she doesn't speak English."

Bobby was getting more frustrated and nervous. He hid it nicely though; he was calm and collected as always. Taking a drink he looked at the girl again and shrugged. "Okay, but I still don't see why she has to be in here."

Mack studied him closely for a few long, pain-filled minutes before he motioned for the girl to leave. Once she was gone, he asked, "Happy?"

Bobby nodded once as he took a longer drink from the glass. He felt like he just saved at girl and he didn't even know why or what from. This whole situation was feeling off. Something was going on that he wasn't aware of. Was he being tested for something? He eyed the door for a brief moment and turned back to Mack who was still watching him.

"Wishing she was back in here now?"

Bobby wasn't sure where this conversation was heading but he sure as hell didn't want to navigate it anymore in the direction of that girl. "Why am I here again?"

Mack shrugged a little. "No reason really. Why, got other plans?"

Bobby rubbed at his face as he glanced around the room. He stared into the fireplace as he downed the rest of the drink; he got up to walk around. It was getting really fucking hot in that room. "No, but I could've. Mack," he turned and faced his boss, "you know I'm not dumb enough to think you invited me here just for the hell of it."

Mack finally smirked and took a long drink from his glass. "You're a smart man, Bob. Maybe too smart."

_Ought oh._ Bobby's head tilted involuntary as he eyed Mack. He didn't like the way Mack had said that. It almost sounded like a threat. His mind began racing with everything he'd done, been doing, and things he'd said. _Where did he go wrong? Nowhere. He didn't do anything to make Mack turn on him._ _Maybe that in itself was the damn giveaway. _

Then, his brain stopped its pursuit of his memories and he felt himself start chuckling. Robert Donovan, ex-soldier, was a nutcase; and he didn't respond to threats lightly, and sometimes he thought they were funny as hell. He kept laughing as he took out his pack of smokes and lit one up. Flipping the Zippo lighter open and close, he eased toward Mack who was still sitting down. "You trying to threaten me?"

Mack just watched him patiently and unfazed.

Bobby stopped in front of him and leaned down. Blowing smoke out into the small space between them, he flipped the lighter open as he stared down at his boss. He could be pushing it too far, but if he was being tested somehow he couldn't back down. Donovan wouldn't back down. He'd attack like the psycho he was supposed to be.

When he'd first met Mack nearly a year ago, he had told him a story about why he, Bobby Donovan, was dishonorably discharged from the Army. It was actually about a case he worked with CID. A soldier, who after stealing drugs from the pharmacy and got high, took a flame thrower and burned down his own platoon's barracks; then that soldier took out his weapon and started firing on the MP's who were trying to arrest him. The soldier ended up being a pyro. In the version he told Mack, he wasn't the one of the arresting officers but he was that crazy soldier. It had been his reason for not wanting to do any of the drugs, and it was also one of the reasons why Mack never let him do any neither.

"You know what I do to people who threaten me?" Bobby asked softly as he leaned a little closer.

Mack was starting to look a little worried, but he had yet to call for help or try and do anything to stop him. He shook his head slightly.

He flicked the lighter open and grinned wide as he started chuckling again; Bobby then did something that would have either saved his life or killed him, he brought his right arm around, directly over the flame, and burned his own arm. "I burn the fuckers. Do you want me to do that to you, sir?" How his voice didn't shake with pain amazed him. His arm was twitching with the need to pull away, but he didn't.

"I could kill you for this, Bob. You're the one who's now threatening me."

Bobby grinned. "I'm loyal to you, Mack, as long as you return that loyalty. If you start turning your back on me, I won't hesitant to shot you in it." He flipped the lighter close and straightened. "I respect you, I'm loyal to you, and I serve you; but I will _not_ bend over for you."

Mack watched him as he picked up his glass and went to re-fill it.

He went over to the bar with his back to Mack; if Mack wanted to kill him, it'd be easy. The move was daring and stupid but also telling. As he filled the glass he was listening behind him closely; he hadn't heard any movement and when he turned around, Mack was still seated where he was. Bobby made his way back to the couch and sat down, took a sip off the alcohol, and eyed Mack. "Now, tell me, why in hell am I here?"

Mack got up and went over to a desk in the room. He picked up a file folder and brought it over to him. As he offered him the folder, he said, "J.D. Haddix."

Bobby took the folder and flipped it open. It was filled with information about one of the most dangerous drug-lords of Brooklyn. "What 'bout him?"

After Mack took a drink, he explained, "I want you to talk to him for me. I'm looking into offering up a partnership to him, like Ramirez, but he's not as stupid and inexperienced as Tony. He's older, a lot more powerful, has more guys, and isn't afraid to start an all out war. I need you to feel him out, keep an eye on him, and then get back with me. If he poses a threat, I need to know that."

Bobby knew he wasn't going to like this. He studied the file for a while before he sat it on the table between them. He leveled Mack with a stare that asked only one question: why me?

Mack smiled at him. "You're the only one I trust to do this, and the craziest. Anyone else would be too afraid to get close to him, yet alone deal with him."

Bobby glanced at the file before eyeing him. "So by 'keeping an eye on him' you mean surveillance. If I get caught, I could wind up dead on your doorstep."

Mack smirked. "I'm confident you won't. With the shit you just pulled in here, I'm sure you could get yourself out of anything."

Bobby huffed out a laugh. "You trust me, Mr. Haddix doesn't."

"Change that."

"How," Bobby shot back.

"Find a way." Mack got up and headed out of the room. "Think about. I'll be back in a few; I've got to make some calls." He stood in the doorway as he waved someone over. "Maria."

The girl, Maria, seemed hesitant as she stood in front of him.

He spoke low and in Spanish, not Italian, to the girl. "Ninguna necesidad de preocupar, Maria. Bobby es un amigo," Mack reassured her. Then he ushered her in the room before he shut the door and left.

Bobby stared at the door and then at the girl. She was shying away from him as she sat back down, but on the opposite couch that Mack had abandoned. Mack had told her that he was a friend, and not to worry. "Hola," he said quietly so not to scare Maria. "Me llamo Bobby. Usted es Maria?"

Maria's brown timid eyes never reached his as she nodded. "Sí. Hola, Señor Bobby."

As Bobby continued to watch her, he felt that something was wrong. It wasn't just that she was shy, but she was anticipant of something happening and fearing it. Mack said she didn't speak English, but he had to know for himself. "Habla inglés?"

Maria shook her head.

Bobby frowned. _Why was she here? _When he opened his mouth to ask, the door opened and Brenda walked in.

"Maria, viene. Su paseo está aquí."

Maria got up and left the room. Brenda watched her go before she turned to him. She closed the door and walked over to where he was sitting and sat down next to him. "We don't want Maria wandering around the house unattended. I was busy and Mack went up to DeMarco's; I hope you didn't mind her being in here while she waited for her ride."

Bobby took a slow drink as he listened to her. He didn't believe her, but she also wasn't completely lying. "Not at all. She's pretty shy, huh?"

Brenda's tight smile as getting painful to look at. "She's not used to strangers."

_No, she's scared to death of them._ Bobby sat his glass down and faced her. "So, uh, how's Lucas doing?"

The smile that replaced the tight one was real and warm. "He's great. Graduating pre-school in a few months." Brenda eyed him softly as she took him in. "I thought I told you to shave that."

Bobby reached up and stroked his goatee. "You were serious?"

Brenda grinned. "I bet you'll look even more dashing without it."

She was flirting with him. Bobby knew he had to find an 'in' with Brenda, but this wasn't what he had in mind. He needed her confidence; he needed to be someone she could rely on and talk to, and that didn't involve them being together. Besides, both Alex and Mack would kill him. "I am; after I got out," he didn't have to say from where; she knew his back story, "I rebelled and this was the result."

"Um," she hummed as she moved a little closer to him.

Bobby nearly froze at the hand that came up and soothed over his cheek. "Mrs. Vincennes," he protested as he moved his head away.

"Brenda."

Bobby grabbed her hand and lowered it. "Brenda," he looked down before addressing her softly. "You're a beautiful woman and I'd be lying if I said that I'm not flattered, but your husband is my boss and friend. I'm sorry."

Brenda took that all in before saying, "You really are the respectful soldier, aren't you?"

Bobby smirked and shrugged. "It balances out the crazy."

That made her laugh as she pushed him lightly. "I don't think you're that crazy; at least not anymore."

Bobby wasn't so sure he could agree with her; he did just burn his own arm not too long ago, which was still hurting like hell. He was still holding onto her wrist; he glanced down at it as he went to let it go and noticed something under the sleeve, on her skin. It looked like a bruise. "How'd that happen?"

Brenda shoved her sleeve down. "Nothing, just clumsy."

_Uh-huh, and he really was a low-life criminal._ Bobby eyed her seriously as he asked, "How often?"

"Bobby," she said sternly as she got up.

Bobby followed her. If there was ever an opportunity to get an 'in', here it was. "Brenda." He stopped her with a hand on her shoulder; he immediately dropped it and walked around her so he could see her face. "I won't tell him you told me."

"You're loyal to him."

"That doesn't mean I tell him everything; and as his wife, I'm equally loyal to you," he told her. Bobby caught her eyes and said, "I'm concerned. Please, just…" he trailed off as he tried to settle the anger that was growing in him. If he didn't already not like Mack enough, he had to find out he also abused his wife. "Just tell me one thing; has he ever touched Lucas?"

Brenda's eyes widened in shock. "No, God no, Bobby. He'd never..."

"Okay," Bobby tried to calm her. "Just you then?"

Brenda seemed to crumble at that. She nodded as tears welled in her eyes. "It's not an everyday thing; it's only when he comes home high. It makes him…rough."

Bobby closed his eyes and tried to will the anger down. When he opened them, Brenda stepped back away from him. He was sure that the anger he was feeling showed in his eyes.

"Bobby," she was pleading with him now. "Don't do anything crazy, okay? Promise me you won't."

Bobby took a breath and nodded. The only thing he was going to do was make sure Mack spent the rest of his life in a five by nine prison cell. "I promise." He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out his wallet. Opening it, he took out his card and gave it to her. "If you ever need anything, or someone to talk to, don't hesitate to call me."

Brenda eyed him with a look of both confusion and awe. "I can't," she finally said as she tried to give the card back to him.

"Yes," he took her hand and pushed it away from him. "You can. I promise, whatever you tell me will not get back to him. I know how to protect the people I care about." Bobby tried to let her know that he was serious.

After a moment, she nodded. "Thank you." Brenda's words trembled out of her mouth. She suddenly reached up and gave him a hug. She pulled away just as quickly. "I've got to pick up Lucas from a friend's house." She straightened her clothes as she stepped away from him and headed toward the door.

As she opened it, she looked back over at him and smiled before leaving. This time the door was left open. It didn't help; Bobby still felt like he was suffocating. Picking up the glass, he finished off the alcohol before placing it down on the bar. Once Mack returned, he was leaving.

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Alex gave her dad, John, a hug on the front porch. "Thanks for today; it was great."

John pulled back and kissed her on the forehead. "I'm glad you could make it. Will I see you next Sunday?"

Alex shrugged. "I'm not sure, dad. You know how things can get." He would understand; he was part of the force before he retired from the 4-0 when she was a teen.

John nodded. "An old man can hope." He gave her one last hug as he told her, "Be safe. Love you," before he let her go.

"Love you too, dad." Alex made her way down the walk, turning to wave at her father, before getting into her car.

Ever since going undercover, she kept her car mostly parked in an underground parking garage up the street from her decoy apartment. She only got to drive it when she had a day off; otherwise she took a cab or bus. It made things easier and now that she was working at the bar, it made it safer.

And it felt so good to drive; it was something she enjoyed doing. Driving always seemed to relax her and make her feel more in control. During or after difficult cases, being able to get behind the wheel and drive always seemed to work wonders on her troubled mind.

Today wasn't any different. It wasn't so much the job that was troubling her but who she was working with. Bobby wasn't like any other officer she'd worked with before; granted he was undercover, but there was something about him that made him standout, made him different. So far she could tell that he was great at it; that he knew what he was doing, but there was also something else there, just under the surface. It seemed to linger in everything he did or said.

A vulnerability that he couldn't afford to show or let be known. A past betrayal maybe?

She had a feeling that whatever it was, it was affecting a part of the real man and not the façade, not the character he was pretending to be. For the umpteenth time after meeting him, the cop, she wondered what his real name was. And she wondered if he ever cared to know hers.

It shouldn't matter. They were two cops, undercover, there to do a job and nothing else; it unnerved her that she was thinking too much about him. And realizing that she was not only attracted to him, but had actually flirted with him that morning. It was, when they were at the bar, part for show but it wasn't entirely. Being around Bobby made her feel safer, more capable of doing the job right, and more confident. And even though the trust thing was still an issue, she felt that she could, without a doubt, rely on him and trust him no matter what.

The only other person that ever made her feel that way was her late husband. It hadn't been that long since he died, going on two years. Feeling that way around Bobby, and him doing the exact same thing that got her husband killed, it scared her. For all she knew Bobby could be a crooked cop, indulging in the drugs, pocketing the money, and paying off informants with a fix here and there.

Through all the doubts she couldn't help how she felt. She couldn't help the way she noticed how his eyes light up when she walked into the room and the reactions it caused to her body. It was crazy; she'd only known him for a few days yet she was drawn to him. That was one of the reasons she had really gotten angry when he said that the trust wasn't a two-way street at first. She feared maybe Bobby really was on the wrong side, bending the law for his own personal gain.

When he confronted her about it and never once threatened her or threatened her position there at the club, that was when she knew she had gotten her answer about him. He wasn't a bad cop. Bobby was just concerned and probably scared himself. Scared of trusting again? Of having another partner with him undercover?

She wished she knew where she stood with him. All she really knew was that he liked her, thought she was beautiful, but that didn't mean anything. That didn't make it easier to work with him; in fact, that knowledge made it worse. How could she do her job objectively if she knew her partner had a thing for her?

Well, he could go on thinking what he wanted, but she wasn't about to tell him the same. She didn't go undercover to meet a man and fall in love again. The hole in her heart and life that was her late husband Joe wasn't going to be filled anytime soon. The pain in losing Joe was still too raw; it hurt her to even think about dating again.

Turning onto the street she lived on, she spotted Bobby's car across the street. Oh, just perfect, she thought as she rounded the corner and headed into the parking garage. Once parked, she made her way up the street and to her building. Hopefully Bobby just wanted to talk about something work related. If not, she was going to have to make it clear that she wasn't interested. She'd be lying through her teeth, but it'd be better than the alternative.

At least, that was what she thought.

TBC…

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Post-script (lol): Sorry to leave it hanging right there, but I decided the next part would be best in the next chapter; plus, I wanted to polish the next chapter up a bit since it's pretty much Bobby and Alex all the way through it. Their exchanges can get pretty hard to get right at times.


	7. Ch6: The Thing about Trust was…

**A/N: Thanks everyone for the wonderful reviews!! I love the encouragement and knowing that you all are taking the time out to let me know what you think! **

**Enjoy!**

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Bobby looked at his watch again. He should have called her instead of dropping by unannounced. She wasn't even home. _Idiot._ He banged his head back on the door and closed his eyes. The throbbing in his head distracted him from the pain in his arm. He should just give up and go home, wrap his arm with the bandages and cream he got at the store, and have dinner alone like always.

It wasn't that he just wanted to have dinner with her, but he also wanted to talk things over with her; get a woman's perspective of what he needed to do to get Brenda Vincennes to open up to him.

For all he knew, he'd blown it with her, or he made that crush she had on him worse. Maybe he shouldn't have given her his cell number. At least she hadn't called him a hundred times already, just once to make sure it really was his number and that he was serious.

His hand shook slightly as he brought the cigarette up to his mouth. Brenda had no idea how serious he was. He needed to know if she was cooperating with the Feds and supplying them with information. Was he being watched by the FBI? Did Robert Donovan have an FBI file?

"That's one seriously concentrated look you have going on."

He spun his head around and eyed Alex as she walked up the hallway toward him. Bobby pushed himself up off the floor as he grabbed the plastic bag that rested by his feet, and stood. "Hey." That was all he could think to say as she stopped in front of him and went to unlock the door.

"Hey yourself. What's going on? You look…Is everything all right?"

Bobby gestured into the apartment. "May I come in?"

Alex left the door open for him as she headed to the back of the apartment. "Be right back. Make yourself at home."

Bobby shut the door and locked it twice; he was being paranoid. He took one last drag off the cigarette before putting it out and tossing it into the trash. Now that she was there he was suddenly apprehensive about talking. "Uh, you're not getting ready for bed are you?" he asked, as he called down the hall.

"No. Why?"

Bobby barely heard her through the closed door. The bag was an intrusive noise in the silent apartment as he kept moving it from one hand to the other. "I was thinking that maybe…you, um…If you want…You could have dinner with me."

The door to the bedroom opened and Alex stood in the doorway. A look of uncertainty played on her face as she crossed her arms over her chest. "Bobby, I'm not sure if--"

Bobby was nodding. "I get it." His smile was easy and shy as he looked at the floor and rubbed the back of his head. "Then, can I stay here and talk to you about something? Its work related."

"Oh." Alex's demeanor suddenly changed at that. She dropped her arms and shifted her weight from one foot to the other; she looked more relaxed as she started down the hall. "Do you want some coffee?"

Bobby watched her go into the kitchen and called out, "Yeah, that'd be great." He glanced around the apartment again, this time really taking everything in. It was very much like his own, except much smaller and Alex had really made it as comfortable as possible even though it wasn't filled with a lot of stuff. It smelled like flowers, Jasmine and Lavender. "Where's the bathroom?"

"At the end of the hall before you get to the bedroom."

Bobby went into the bathroom and shut the door. Alex hadn't asked him what was in the bag even though she'd been eyeing it ever since they were out in the hallway. It was reassuring to him that she wasn't too pushy. That she would let him tell her if and when he wanted to.

He settled the bag on top of the toilet next to the sink and took a deep breath. His nerves were shot; even though he was miles from Mack's house he could still feel the weight of the situation pushing down on his shoulders as he heard Mack's last words to him before he left. _"Don't let me down, Bob. You'll regret it if you do." _He was too anxious to get out of there to say anything back as he opened the front door and left.

For the second time since leaving Mack's neighborhood, he felt his stomach lurch. He shoved the bag onto the floor and dry gagged and heaved into the toilet until his throat felt tight and strained.

Sitting against the wall, he pulled his legs up to his chest, closed his eyes, and buried his head in his hands.

He was digging himself in too deep and putting himself in the middle of all the chaos and danger. One false move and it could be all over for the operation and for him. He was lucky in that room today with Mack. He probably wouldn't be that lucky again.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," Bobby emphasized each word with a head bang against the wall behind him. He opened his eyes and stared up at the ceiling.

He'd been a lot of things while working the Job, but he was never afraid. Today, he'd been afraid; deeply and profoundly scared to death. It was a feeling he wasn't used to. Usually, he was the one who put everyone and thing before his own safety.

The innocent, his fellow cops, the operation, and then himself. He was the last one out of the building and the first one to run into one. That afternoon he had put the operation first, but only because he had to in order to get out of there alive.

Once he found out if Brenda was talking to the Feds or not, he was going to call in the go-ahead to bring it all down. He was getting sick of this shit. And then, he was going to put in a transfer and get the hell out of Dodge.

Even though he was good at the undercover work, he couldn't take it anymore. It wasn't worth it. He'd be much better off with a position that'd actually make a difference, that'd actually bring him some closure at night instead of more and more questions, fears, and uncertainties.

Taking a deep breath, he slowly got up off the floor. He turned the cold water on; instead of splashing his face, he ducked his head under the faucet and let the water run over his head and down over his face. His sweaty hands clenched the side of the sink as the coldness helped to numb his throbbing head.

It didn't take long for his racing hot blood to ease and he could feel himself breathing better. He was no longer on edge as his hands unclenched the sides of the sink. Resting his wet head against the cool metal of the faucet, he turned the water off and breathed deeply until he regained control of his scattered nerves.

He glanced up into the mirror and saw that he was a mess. His eyes were red and his skin was looking pale, but at least he was feeling better. At least for the moment he put his warring mind and emotions at bay.

He grabbed the bag off the floor and emptied the contents of it onto the counter. The throbbing in his arm was hot while the skin around the burn started to itch. Slipping his jacket off, he looked at the damaged skin and sighed in relief. It wasn't that bad. He quickly applied the burn cream and wrapped his arm. In seconds the irritation was gone but the pain was still there.

Bobby grabbed his jacket and pulled it back on, making sure to go slowly over his right arm so not to agitate the pain even more. Leaving the bathroom, he headed to the kitchen. Alex was leaning against a counter watching him come around the corner. "Do you have aspirin or anything?" he asked.

"Uh, yeah, I think," she said as she opened a cabinet and pulled down a bottle of pain reliever.

She tossed it over to him. Bobby caught it with his left hand. "Thanks," he said as he opened the bottle and went over to the sink. He downed a couple of pills with handfuls of water.

"Coffee's done; I made you a cup."

He handed her the bottle as she handed him the cup. Bobby rested against the counter and took a few sips of the coffee. The warmth of it helped to heat his cold insides. His eyes closed as he felt exhaustion consume his body and head.

"Did you shower?"

Bobby slightly tilted his head and peered at her, confused.

Alex was watching him closely as she took a sip from the cup she was nursing in her hands. "You're all wet."

Bobby rubbed a hand through his damp hair and over the back of his neck. "Sorry," he lightly apologized.

"It's okay." She was quiet for a moment before asking, "Feeling better?"

Bobby gave a slow, tired nod as he took a drink. He pushed himself off the counter and headed into the living room. The couch was calling his name and his legs gave up on him the moment he was close enough to it. He felt like he was drowning in exhaustion but he couldn't let himself fall sleep.

He seemed to melt into the cushions as he watched her come into the room and take a seat in the recliner to his left. The couch was long, four seats, and she was sitting the furthest from him in the recliner. "Did I do something wrong," Bobby asked in a soft whisper. His throat was still sore and it made his voice sound rough.

Alex scooted forward on the chair and leaned her elbows on her knees, still nursing the cup. "No."

Bobby's eyes were urging to slide shut; it took all his energy to keep himself awake as he lifted the cup to his lips and sip at the coffee. Just minutes before he was feeling tense and shaken; he was flying high with nervous energy. Now, he was seconds away from crashing on Alex's couch. "We need to talk."

"Yeah?"

Bobby nodded as a small smile played at the edges of his lips. He rested his head back on the couch and peered over at her through foggy, half-closed eyes. "Yeah," that came out slurred and he frowned. Rubbing at his head, he tried to wake himself up.

"Bobby."

He looked over and saw that she was coming toward him. Alex put her cup down on the table and slipped her hand around his. Bobby let go of the cup as she took it and placed it on the table.

"Why don't you rest first, then we'll talk later."

Bobby watched as she pulled the quilt down off the back of the couch. "Alex, I don't--"

"If you don't, we're not talking."

Bobby heard the seriousness in that and couldn't do anything except obey her. He slowly laid down as she draped the quilt over him. He was too lax and tired to protest when she went to help him remove his jacket. At the sight of his arm, she tensed. "I'm okay," he tried to reassure her.

Giving him a tight, uneasy smile she nodded. "Sleep. I'm not going anywhere."

"I know," Bobby mumbled as his eyelids slid closed.

_He woke up shivering and shaky with sweat covering his body; it was hard to breathe as his lungs quaked in pain. Light blurred around him as it mixed with moving shadows and static voices. Trying to move, he found his body restricted and a weight on his chest._

_Panic flared as his hands clenched in fists. A strangled sound tried to escape around the blockage in his throat as a burst of pain consumed his legs and back. The tightness in his chest grew as he tried to breathe and struggled against the weight pushing him, holding him down._

_A static filled voice rippled through the beating sound of his heart in his ears. "Mr. Goren…Detective Goren! You've got to calm down….Ambulance…you've been shot…understand? Calm…and breathe normal…"_

_His whole body exploded with pain and he heard a distorted cry. He was screaming but it sounded muffled, like it was trapped. That was when he realized there was something pressed on his face, around his nose and mouth. A heavily numb hand reached up and felt the plastic of the oxygen mask. He took a deep breath and kept doing that until he felt the burning in his lungs ease._

_The last thing his foggy mind remembered before he passed-out was his partner, Jake, pointing a gun at him and the look in his eyes when he mouthed, "Sorry."_

Bobby jerked his body awake as he nearly tumbled off the couch. He caught himself as his breath pounded in his chest. Blinking into the semi-dark apartment, he swallowed the lump in his throat as he got his breathing under control. It was empty.

He collapsed back down on the couch and rubbed at his eyes with the palms of his hands. His body shook at the memory of the dream he had. Wanting to get as far away from the desperately aching feeling he had of helplessness, he slowly got up and picked up the half-filled cup of coffee and made his way to the kitchen. Alex must have been in her bedroom, sleeping. Good, he was glad she wasn't witness to one of his demons.

Heating the cold coffee up, he looked around and saw that nothing was set out for dinner. It was going on eight o'clock and he doubted that she had eaten anything yet. Searching the kitchen for something easy to make, he settled on the fettuccine noodles and alfredo sauce in the cabinet.

He sipped on the coffee while he watched water boil. His mind kept trying to torture him with past mistakes and the lingering fears he had resting in the back of his mind. For once, he didn't want to think about anything.

Instead of thinking about the past, he tried to focus on the present and what, if anything, he was going to tell Alex. He didn't know if she could really help him or not, or put anything in perspective for him. He also didn't know if this 'partnership' of theirs was going to actually work out.

At the club, it was no question. They had been working well together there, but outside of that he didn't know what she was like. He didn't know how she strategized or if she was as straight as an arrow with the protocols or if she was willing to bend them if it meant doing the right thing.

After adding the noodles to the water, he started to heat up the sauce. He heard a door open down the hall and turned his head. Bobby stared at the entryway into the kitchen until he spotted Alex walk into view. Obviously still tired, she slumped against the refrigerator and watched as he stirred the sauce. "Did I wake you?"

Alex kept her eyes on the stove as she pulled her robe around her tighter and crossed her arms. "No. Is it almost done?"

Bobby nodded as he turned off the burner for the noodles. "Everything's ready; you got up just in time."

Alex pulled down two plates as he finished preparing the food. Minutes later they were both seated on the couch since there was no table. Neither one spoke as they lazily ate in silence. Bobby glanced at her every so often just to make sure she was still in the room.

"Thanks, for making this." Alex's voice broke the silence and Bobby smiled over at her.

"You're welcome," he said before he took a bite. Bobby looked over at her and saw that she was still watching him, waiting. He figured that was his cue to say something about why he was there. He vaguely remembered telling her they had to talk. However, that was when he was exhausted and on the verge of collapse. He had to tell her something now; losing what ground he gained with Alex wasn't an option. "Um…I need to tell you that, I, uh…" he sat his empty plate on the coffee table and turned his full attention to her. "I'm going to be away for a while. It could just be a couple of days or it might be longer, I'm not entirely sure."

Alex looked confused as she sat her own plate down and turned to face him.

Bobby waited for her to ask him what was going on, and when she didn't he was felt like he wanted to explain to her anyway. It felt like he owed her an explanation for all this. "I'm…running surveillance."

Clarity filled Alex's eyes. "Oh; well," she hesitated a moment before asking, "Do you want any help?"

Bobby wished he could've taken her up on that offer, but he couldn't. If it was for the department, sure, since it was for Mack, there was no way in Hell he'd put her in that kind of danger. "No; it's not…It's for Mack, Alex. He wants me to watch Haddix."

Her eyes widen in fear and disbelief. "J.D. Haddix? Brooklyn's top drug-lord? You can't be serious?" Alex gasped. "If you're caught…" she left the rest unsaid.

_If he was caught, he was as good as dead. _Bobby filled in for her.

Haddix was a ruthless man; the NYPD had been trying to get him for years, ever since the early '90's. The story was that J.D.'s father, Jimmy Haddix Sr., was double crossed by not only the people within his organization, undercover PD, but also by other drug families. They sold him out to the PD for lesser sentences or for protection. After Jimmy Sr. was killed, J.D. vowed vengeance against not only the department and the undercover cops that killed his father, but the other families that let it happen. J.D. trusted and partnered with no one in fear of being double crossed and ending up like his father.

And he was being thrown right into the heart of that fire by not only Mack but the department. They PD wanted J.D. behind bars just as bad as Mack wanted to be partners with him. He knew coming into Narcotics that he would be in charge of taking down the Big Dogs; he'd been successful in the past and luckily he never had to deal with anyone quite as vicious and as ruthless as J.D.

Bobby stared at Alex as he tried to soften his eyes to reassure her. It wasn't working; he could tell by her body language that it only caused her more frustration and anger. "I know what'd happen if it all goes wrong. My job is to make sure it doesn't. I've already talked to my partner." He still remembered the warning Fin had given him on the drive over to Alex's. _"Don't you for a second drop your fucking guard, Bobby. Even if your psycho ass has to shoot someone, don't you dare blink or it'd be the last time you ever blink again." _"The PD's been gunning for the Haddix family for years; now is the perfect opportunity to take not only him down but the Vincennes and Ramirez families as well."

"Even if it means your life? Are you seriously willing to risk that?"

Bobby studied her closely and was confused by the fear and hurt he not only saw in her eyes but felt in her words. _What wasn't she telling me? And why was this sounding…personal? _"I don't have to justify this to you," he found himself saying as his defenses were being thrown back up. He had let them down slightly to be able to confide in her, but now he was feeling that something was wrong.

It wasn't that she was trying to betray him or cause him grief over this, but that she was letting herself slip beyond professional. And he wasn't about to let her bring him along for the ride.

He realized that he wasn't just digging himself in too deep with the operation, but with her as well. He let himself get too comfortable around her; feel too much, trust too much. It was starting to rip open wounds that were just starting to feel completely healed.

Bobby stood, grabbed his plate and cup, and hurried to the kitchen. After cleaning up, he pulled on his jacket. "I should go."

Alex didn't say anything as he headed toward the door. He hesitated with his hand on the doorknob. Despite his fears and the confusion of how he had gone from desperately wanting to have dinner with Alex to desperately wanting to run away from her, he didn't want to leave them like that; both of them confused and hurt.

Bobby turned and gave her a long look of sympathy; it was for the both of them. "When I get back…I want to us to try harder with this."

She was standing in the middle of the room with her arms crossed. "With what?"

"With…" he gestured back-and-forth between them. Bobby felt the word he wanted to say get stuck in his throat. If they couldn't be friends, they had to be partners. They couldn't be both. And from the feelings he was trying to make sense of, being friends was becoming more and more painful to think about. "Partnership," he whispered into the room.

After softly shutting the door behind him, Bobby made his way to his car with a nauseous ache growing from his stomach into his chest. He had seen the look in her eyes just before he left; he had recognized the emotion there that was hidden beneath the stubborn denial she tried to block it with. It was one filled with concern and worry, of fear and trust, and maybe a spark of love. She didn't know him well enough to love him, but he knew what that spark felt like. It was the same feeling he had since he first talked to her, laid eyes on her.

It was the belief that love could be there, between them. That if they gave it time, and room to grow, they'd latch onto each other and never look back. And he wasn't the only one afraid of that spark. He saw the fear in her eyes as well. She'd be burned before by it, just the same as him.

Sticking to strictly being professional with each other would be for the best. If he could easily see himself spending time in that tiny apartment, in never leaving Alex's sight, and in wanting to know how her soft and sweet voice sounded screaming out his name, then it was getting too personal for him. He'd get blinded, lose focus, and in the end he would hurt her and she would hurt him.

What would happen after the operation ended, after he leaves Narcotics? What would she do? He was used to short-term relationships; of it ending after the woman he was with at the time realized that he was telling the truth about not wanting marriage, not wanting children, and about him not changing his career or his mind.

Alex wouldn't be any different, except with her he could easily see himself spending years with her, maybe his life, and that scared him. If they did have a short affair while undercover, he was terrified of the pain it'd cause them both when it ended.

And it would end. Everything good always ended for him.

That was just the way his life went.

TBC…

* * *

Post-script A/N: Yeah, it's kind of short, but the action heats up in the coming chapters. I just needed to put into motion some of the B/A tension that'd rise from their momentary separation.


	8. Ch7: Big Dogs, Big Guns, & Big Problems

**A/N: **I'm loving the reviews everyone!! Thanks again for reading and letting me know what you think! Sorry it took me a bit longer to post this chapter. When I re-read it, I found that I didn't like a direction in the story I was going, so I had to change some things, and then I waited a few days to make sure that I didn't regret my decision, lol. I can't tell you how many times I ended up writing myself into a corner and couldn't get back out.

Okay, enjoy!

* * *

The night air stung his face with a bitter cold wind. He stared up at the window four floors up from the stoop across the street. It had been over an hour since the light in the window came on and five minutes since the window was raised, letting the cool air into the apartment. It didn't have central air; he knew that because it was his apartment window he was staring at.

He unconsciously played with the cell phone that was being turned over in his restless hands. In a few hours, he would be perched across the street from another building that housed a man that wouldn't hesitate to put a bullet in his head. He didn't want to think about that just then. For the past five hours he'd done nothing except think about J.D. Haddix. This was the time he wanted to live in. He wanted to burn that moment into his memory. Just in case.

During the late hours, the streets of Brooklyn were quiet despite what people outside the city thought. He couldn't hear a thing as he stared up at his home hoping that he'd see it again one day. Every so often someone would walk down the street; they would either be alone or with a friend, family, or lover. A man and woman, who were gripping each other hands so tight like if they broke the connection they would both die, stopped two stoops down from him.

He ducked his head down to not be seen, and give them a sense of privacy. His always curious mind and eyes still glanced over as they leaned in and kiss with such passion it made his heart clench. Looking away, back up at the light streaming through the window, he wondered why Lewis was still up, or if he went to sleep without remembering to turn the light off.

It didn't matter. If the light was off he'd still be sitting there staring up at it. Moments later, he watched as the man pull away from the woman and started down the sidewalk. He walked by him with a look of love on his face. The man never looked his way, lost in his own world.

He was lost in his own world too. It was a world in which he watched everyone but never knowing who they truly were. A world that was right then spiraling out of his control, full of chaos and corruption. It wouldn't be the first time, and he was praying right then that it wouldn't be the last.

That was just the way his life worked.

It would always be chaotic and he would have to deal with it. It didn't matter if the chaos as coming from his family or from the criminals he surrounded himself with; it'd always be there for him to survive. To fight through and come out on the other side a little more wiser, a little more stronger, and little more alone.

He flipped his cell open as it vibrated in his hand. It was a text message from Alex. The words 'Good luck' was shining up at him in big block letters. A small smile played at the edges of his mouth as he stared down at it. Maybe this time he wouldn't be alone. Maybe this time, he'd have a friend waiting for him.

Finally, after his back ached and ass went numb, he pulled himself off the stoop. Giving his home one last look, he headed off down the street.

* * *

It had been two days since he'd been gone. Two days of watching a man he deeply loathed, disrespected, and was terrified of. He couldn't let show it though. If those guys sensed fear, then they'd know that something was wrong. That someone was watching them. Fear really did change the air. It really did get thicker, tighter, and made everything slow down; making it easy to see the emotions burning in the other people's eyes around you.

A cop could sense it. And if a cop couldn't sense the changing air in a room or even the outside then that cop wasn't worth a damn to have on the team. Cops like that caused things to happen; people got killed with a guy like that beside them. He was a good cop, in more ways than one.

Not only could he smell fear and tell when it was going bad before it ever happened, but he could usually think of a way to keep it from going bad. Either by his words or his actions; he could take a dangerous, near deadly situation, and flip-it right on the head. There had only been one time when he was completely caught off guard, where he had failed to recognize the dangers, the fear that seeped into the air around him, and the intent in the other person's eyes. He failed because he trusted.

He wouldn't make that same mistake again.

And he had only three more days to figure out just what in the hell he was going to do now.

It'd been two days and he hadn't let his presence known. He watched Haddix and his guards come and go from the brownstone across the street. He took photos of them making deals, disappearing into clubs and businesses around Brooklyn, before retreating back to the security of the immensely guarded house.

He had to find an 'in' with Haddix. It wasn't only so Mack wouldn't blow his head off, but for the NYPD to have a chance at taking Haddix down along with the others. How could he get a man that didn't trust anyone to trust him? To talk J.D. into attending a meeting with two other heavy-hitters that he wouldn't think twice about killing, about betraying?

_You've really done it this time, Goren. _His self critic never did learn when to shut-up.

Resting his throbbing head into his hands he had to think. There wasn't much personal information he knew about Haddix, but he knew enough to where he could make a pretty good guess at what was going on in the drug-dealer's head.

Haddix had lost his father in an unspeakable betrayal. Now, his anger for everyone ruled his daily life. Haddix couldn't trust a single soul to not sell him out just the same.

He understood that anger, that sense of insecurity, and isolation. Haddix's father was a very important man in his life. He understood what not only losing his father was like, but also losing his mother. She may not have been dead, but he never had her. Not the way a boy should've had his mother. Having that constant questioning and wondering if he was ever going to be good enough; he would never know now what his parents really thought. And neither would Haddix.

Bobby was out of the chair before he realized that he was even moving. As soon as he stepped out of the building, he knew what he had to do. He just prayed that he wasn't wrong, and that his luck hadn't run out.

His memory was sharp, one of his virtues but also a damn curse when he tried to sleep. It'd been a while since he read or studied anything about Jimmy Haddix Sr. What he did remember still made his skin crawl. If he thought J.D. was ruthless, he had nothing on his father. Jimmy Sr. showed no fear; word was he had no fear. Complete psychopath. Jimmy Sr. could walk right into his enemy's house, kill all the guards, and then take what he wanted.

At least, that was what people had said. It wasn't uncommon for people in this kind of neighborhood to make people like Jimmy Haddix into a legend.

If this was a neighborhood where legends were born, it was about time he made himself one.

He never liked shooting his gun. In fact, he hated it. The Army taught him many things and one of them was that he wanted to live the rest of his life without ever firing his weapon again. The experiences in the Army made him very sensitive around guns. He remembered vividly giving a kid the third degree over pointing a fake toy gun at his chest just months after getting back.

He had cooled his heels since then, but he still hated the damn things. They still made him nervous; not about holding one, or even pointing one, but about the notion of firing one. Of ending another person's life through something as simple as squeezing a trigger.

A guard outside of the brownstone spotted him, but it was too late. A loud pop echoed in his ear as he saw the man's shoulder shatter against the bricks. The other guard was momentarily stunned. Probably thinking that this couldn't be happening there, not at that house. In the seconds it took the guard to snap out of his shock, another loud pop clouded his ears and he watched the man fall down the steps. The man rolled around in pain as he tried to stop the blood gushing from his knee.

Bobby picked up the dropped gun and shook his head as the man stared up at him. "Never think, act," he told the guard as he headed up the stairs.

The other guard was clutching at his shoulder, fear and anger bore from his eyes. "I'm gonna kill you!"

Bobby laughed as he picked up the other gun and headed into the brownstone. The door closed behind him and he knew he only had a couple of seconds before he was rushed by a brigade of guards.

He knew exactly where J.D. was. It sounded like a herd of elephants was coming down the stairs from the fourth floor. Having been in many houses like that, he knew that there were more stairs leading to the upper floors. Going to where he hoped the kitchen was, he pushed open the door and was greeted by a woman. She grabbed her two small children and held them tight to her.

Bobby kept his eyes on the woman's hand as he rushed right by her and to the other set of stairs. He could hear voices and footsteps coming toward him, around the corner. Aiming low, he caught the first guy in the ankle, sending him tumbling pass him down the stairs as a loud scream filled the small, tight staircase.

The other man was too quick; he got off one shot that clipped his left shoulder. Then Bobby aimed and fired. The man stopped breathing as two bullets entered his chest. God dammit! He didn't want to kill anyone.

Now, he had to run. Instead of running down and out of the house like a normal person would have, he ran up the stairs and down the hall to the room at the very end of it. To the room that he could see from his surveillance spot across the street. To the room that he knew J.D. was in right then, probably pointing a semi-automatic at the door, waiting for him.

He kicked in the door and immediately jerked to the right, out of the line of fire. Bullets ripped through the air and down the hall, blowing apart wooden beams and leaving holes in doors.

Bobby waited until the gunfire stopped; he heard the clip being dropped to the floor. J.D. was re-loading. He stepped in and held his gun firmly in his hand as he kicked the door shut behind him.

J.D.'s hand fumbled with the other clip as he saw him barge in. He didn't say anything to him as he watched him circle around, away from the door, gun still trained on his head.

Bobby made sure that his voice would be steady as he said, "Don't."

J.D. held the gun in one hand, full clip in the other, and his breathing was rough and hard.

Bobby was calm; not even breaking a sweat. He heard the squad of elephants in the background, pounding steps. "Everything's fine, Mr. Haddix."

J.D. suddenly blinked back at the use of his name. Confusion and suspicion filled his young brown eyes.

And he was young. Younger than anybody would have thought. Bobby had at least five years on the guy. "Mr. Haddix, listen to me. I'm not going to kill you. My name is Donovan, Bobby Donovan. You heard of me?"

J.D. nodded slightly as he kept his eyes locked onto his.

Bobby smirked. "Good. Then you know I only want to talk to you, but…I can't do that if your boys bust in here and shoot me. Now, I regret to tell you that I killed one of your guys. But the rest are alive, if they get medical attention in time."

Just then, the door slammed open against the wall and Bobby immediately dropped his gun and prayed.

J.D. was in front of him in a second, holding out his arms and yelling at the guards. "Wait!" Six guns rested on J.D's chest and head. "Put your guns down!"

"But," a guard went to say.

"But nothin'," J.D. barked. "I ordered you to lower your fuckin' guns. Do it!"

All six guards hesitated in doing so, but they eventually did. One by one, they eased their weapons down and stared at their boss.

Bobby swallowed hard and wanted to close his eyes to thank the Lord but he was too busy trying not to collapse with relief to do that. If he closed his eyes, even briefly, it could end in disaster.

"Any of you bone-heads called for an ambulance yet?"

They all shook their heads 'no'.

"Then call," J.D. ordered. "And if anyone asks, say it was a hit-and-run. This man," he looked at him. "Ain't here."

Bobby eyed the young black man in front of him. Without thinking, a wide grin formed on his face as he began to laugh softly. Donovan was a twisted fuck. He slowly reached under his jacket so not to cause alarm. Pulling out the two guns that he took off the guards at the door, he tossed them on the desk next to him. "You know what, Mr. Haddix? You need to get better boys; ones with the nerve to pull the trigger."

J.D. eyed him and then the guns before he turned back to the men still standing just inside the door. "You all ain't fucking worth anything; get out! Close the door behind you."

Bobby watched as the men sulked out; every one of them eyeing him with death glares. He just grinned at them.

"Why didn't you kill 'em?"

Bobby picked up his own gun from where he abandoned it on the floor and tucked it behind his back, under his jacket. "Head shots make them die quicker. I wanted them to suffer for a while."

J.D. rounded the desk and finally tossed the gun and clip onto the desk, next to the others. "Give me one good reason why I should let you walk out of here. I only saved your ass because you obviously went through a lot of trouble to see me."

Bobby let himself laugh at that as he walked around the room. There wasn't much in it. Unlike Mack's place, J.D. didn't care for art or style. He was all business, even in his home. "My boss Mr. Vincennes wants to talk to you."

"So I heard."

Bobby nodded but still didn't look at the guy. For all he knew a gun was trained on him just then. He wouldn't let that worry him.

"I also heard you're his bodyguard. A soldier and a crazy one at that. Safe to say you lived up to your reputation."

"Desert Storm," Bobby said in way of agreement and explanation. "Maybe you should get a Vet on your team instead of these shitless posers. Boys who think they're soldiers because they've been carrying a gun around with them since they were fourteen and running from the police. Real soldiers don't shoot while they're running away; they shoot while they're charging into the gunfire. The pigs have more balls then your boys." He let himself look over at J.D. then. The younger man was relaxed, leaning back in the chair, and there was no gun aimed at him. There was a brief moment of silence before he said, "I heard about your father, I'm sorry."

"What'd you know about it?" J.D. was getting defensive now. In a way, he reminded him of his partner Fin. The tough, street smart guy, but there was also a quick-witted intelligence there. J.D. was intelligent; he just didn't want anyone to know it. And with that intelligence, he was afraid. Maybe J.D. wasn't like his father at all.

Bobby took out his pack of cigarettes as he leveled J.D. with a stare that made the younger swallow hard. "I know," he said as he flipped his lighter open and lit the cigarette in his mouth. "My pops didn't want me to follow in his footsteps. He wanted me to make something of myself. Instead, he dragged my older brother into it. You're supposed to trust family, you know? Not have to worry about them betraying you. He let his guard down around my brother, not knowing that his son had gotten in good with a rival gang." He stared hard at J.D. as he took a long pull of the cigarette. "A gang like…_yours_," he empathized that as he pointed the cigarette at him.

J.D. looked confused for a brief second before realization dawned. He didn't speak though, just continued watching him.

Bobby leaned over the back of the chair in front of him. "If I had a dislike for the _brothers_ before, then you could only imagine my anger after they got my brother to kill our father." He could actually feel his mother smacking him across the mouth. Or maybe it was God. He had to keep telling himself that it was okay to lie to criminals, but he felt like he had to apologize to Fin or something. Hell, he'd have to apologize to everyone he ever knew in his entire life after this.

"Why're you tellin' me this?"

Bobby eyed the man before him with as much coldness as he could generate. He couldn't waver. Everything was riding on this performance. The operation, his job, his life, his future. No, he couldn't back down now even though he felt like he was seconds away from getting sick all over his black Italian shoes. "I passed your beautiful family in the kitchen."

J.D.'s face drained of color as it fell slack with numbness.

"Your stunning wife in her black silk dress. Your daughter still in her pink and yellow pajamas. Your son, in his neatly pressed school uniform." Bobby let the sly smile that sickened him to spread wider. "It could have been so easy to have taken everything from you. To…satisfy my needs, my…want, for revenge, Mr. Haddix, but I didn't. Like I said, Mr. Vincennes wants you. His wants and needs come before mine." He straightened and reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a card. Tossing it onto the desk, he said suddenly, "Think about it. When you've made your decision, give him a call."

J.D. picked the card up and flipped it over.

"It's the direct number to my employer," Bobby explained. "Good day, Mr. Haddix." He turned to leave; as he went to open the door he heard J.D.'s voice behind him.

"I can kill you right now, ya know? Ain't nothin' stoppin' me."

Bobby turned back and shrugged. "Kill me if you want. It won't change anything." He opened the door and walked pass a couple of guards who were standing by the door. "Gentlemen," he said as he nodded to the men and continued down the hall, down the stairs, and then out the front door.

As soon as he was far enough away from the building, his cell phone vibrated in his jeans pocket. It was Fin. "Yeah?"

"Meeting, now. You know the place."

Bobby stared at the phone after the call was ended. Swallowing hard, he hurried down the street. This couldn't be good. Not good at all.

* * *

The warehouse wasn't empty. Boxes were piled high around the big open rooms. It was a maze trying to get through it all. Hearing voices, he silently made his way to the meeting area. As soon as he caught sight of the two men standing in an open area, arguing, he rested against a row of boxes and listened.

"Cool it, Cap. I'm sure Bobby knew what he was doing," Fin said as he tried to calm their captain, Sanders, down.

Bobby smirked. Fin was going to bat for him. He was glad somebody was.

"Your partner, Tutuola, is a loose cannon. IA is going to be all over this. He shot four men, killed one of them!"

Bobby pushed himself off the box and charged into the open area. Fin was on him in a second. "You put me in that position," he yelled at Sanders. "I told you I didn't want to do it; that we could take down Vincennes and Ramirez and back off of Haddix! That I'll find out about Brenda, if she's informing the Feds, and you ignored me! Ordered me to go after Haddix! You told me to do whatever it took to get in good with him."

Fin was pulling him back. "Easy, Bobby. I've never seen you like this before. Chill, man."

Bobby eyed Fin who had a solid grip around his shoulders. "Chill? I almost got killed back there!" He turned back to his boss and leveled him with his eyes. "I'm sorry about killing that man, but I had no choice. And I'll be damned if I'm going to let you hang me out to dry over doing my job. Let IA come after me; I'll tell them the same thing. I didn't go against orders; I shot him only after he fired at me, and the only reasons I took those drastic measures was because that was what I was ordered to do by you!"

Sanders stared hard at him while he waited for him to be finished. "This will be on your record _and_ your jacket, Detective. It could cost you that transfer you've been pinning for."

Bobby stilled in Fin's arms. Was his captain threatening him? "Where's your loyalty?"

Sanders answered, "To my department."

"To yourself," he fired back.

"Bobby," Fin warned him. "It's not worth it, man."

Sanders eased up to him. "I'm going to have to do a lot of damage control for you, Goren. And I'll do it, if you give me what I want. You've got twenty-four convictions and just as many confessions under your belt, all from Big Dogs like Haddix. Give me three more and I'll let you get out of this with your job. Understood?"

Bobby pushed Fin off him and backed away. He was starting to feel weak, tired, and the sickness he'd been feeling was begging to take over.

"Goren!"

Bobby stopped in his tracks and turned around. "Yeah, okay. Whatever you want, sir."

"Want I want right now is your gun, Detective."

Bobby eyed his captain as he reached around and pulled out his gun from behind his back. Handing it over to him, he leaned against the wall.

Sanders slipped the gun into an evidence bag he produced out of his jacket pocket. "How many bullets are left?"

Bobby swallowed hard as sweat stared to dripped down his face. His heart was pounding in his chest as he answered, "Five."

Sanders nodded in satisfaction. "Tutuola will have a gun for you in a few days, until then, you'll have to deal without one. Soon as this is over with, IA will be in contact with you," he said just before he turned and left.

Fin was eyeing him closely as he sunk down to the floor. "You okay, Bobby?"

Bobby covered his face and shook his head. "First Jake, now Sanders." He covered his mouth with his hands as he stared up at his friend. "How many more are going to turn their backs on me before this is all over?"

Fin frowned as he stepped closer to him. "It's the world of Narcotics, man. Makes everyone crazy. We can't follow the same rules as the rest of the PD or we'd all be dead. And Jake? He was slime, didn't deserve the badge." After a moment, he held out a hand. "C'mon. Let's go get breakfast. You look like shit."

Bobby stared up at his partner and finally breathed out as he took a hold of his hand. As they started to make their way toward the door, he started to apologize. "I'm sorry.

"What for? I'm not the one that received the wrath of Goren."

Bobby wanted to laugh, but couldn't get himself to. "I, uh…had to say some things to Haddix. Things that…I never…"

Fin was giving him a weird look. "Like what?"

"Well," Bobby said as he rubbed at the back of his head as he opened the door. "I kind-of had to tell him that I was…you know, uh, racist."

Fin stopped and stared over at him.

Bobby wanted to shrink back into the warehouse and hide. Then, he saw amusement twinkle in Fin's eyes before the man started laughing so hard he fell back into the door.

"You?! Racist?!" Fin was still laughing as they headed down the street.

Bobby finally let himself smirk as Fin grabbed a hold of his uninjured shoulder. "I didn't think it was that funny, Fin."

Fin took a deep breath before getting out, "What'd Haddix do?"

Bobby shrugged. "He, you know…wanted to kick my ass."

Fin really lost it then as he doubled over.

"Seriously! It's not that funny. He could've killed me!"

"It's…just," Fin was trying to talk as he straightened and pulled him into a diner on the corner. "You!"

"Yea, yea, it's always me. It got him to listen to me though."

Fin sat down across from him in a booth and shook his head. "You're one crazy white boy."

Bobby stared over at Fin before he started laughing. Sometimes--he had learned from doing the Job--it was best to laugh at the horrors than to collapse under them.

* * *

After having breakfast with Fin, Bobby went back to his apartment in the Bronx and slept until his cell phone rang at a quarter past nine. "Yeah?"

"Bob." It was Mack. "Just wanted to let you know you did a good job today. I just got off the phone with Haddix. He agreed to a meeting."

"You're welcome, sir. Anything else?"

"Yeah, get to work. You're late."

_Yippie ki-yay. _Bobby dropped his cell to the pillow. _He wasn't going to get his head blown off today. _

Minutes after hanging up, and doing nothing but staring at the opposite wall, he finally rolled onto his back and blinked up at the ceiling. He had to get up, shower, take some more pain medication for the ache in his shoulder, and then get to the club.

For him, it was just another day in paradise.

TBC…


	9. Ch8: A Long Night pt 1

**A/N:** Thanks again for reading and letting me know what you think! Here's another chapter because, well, I felt like sharing again.

**Enjoy!**

* * *

He knew something was up the moment he turned the corner. Driving pass the club he watched as a couple of plain clothes officers stopped Eric out on the sidewalk. Alex must have been busy the last couple of nights. It frustrated him that she hadn't called him about giving the go-ahead to the Vice squad.

Turning around in the parking lot, he pulled out onto the street and pulled up beside where the cops were questioning Eric. One was black and dressed in a Knicks jersey and black leather jacket, the other was a white guy in a suit minus the tie. Talk about the odd couple.

"Eric!" Bobby's voice was stern and demanding as he climbed out of the car. Eric whipped his head around and smiled wide at him. Before the kid could say anything, he bellowed again. "Get in the car."

Eric frowned at him in confusion. "What?"

Bobby stopped beside him and glared down at him. "Get your ass in the car, now, son."

Eric blinked up at him. "S--"

"I won't tell you again." Bobby glared down at Eric until the kid glanced at the ground.

"Y-yes, sir," Eric mumbled before he stalked off and got into the passenger side of the car.

Bobby watched Eric before he turned his attention to the detectives who were obviously fuming. "Sorry. Kids, ya know."

The detective in the Knicks's Jersey glared at him as he said, "He yours?"

Bobby nodded. "Unfortunately."

"You know he's been hanging out here every night?" The other detective asked him.

Bobby shot a death glare to Eric who ducked his head. "I suspected." He gestured toward the club. "A girl that lives in our building works here. Young lust, ya know? What am I to do 'bout it? Can't keep an eye on him all day."

"Maybe a couple nights in jail will get through to him?"

Bobby smirked. "I actually wouldn't mind, but…I can't afford it. He's my mechanic. I own a shop, he's good, just…gets distracted," he rolled his eyes at that. "But thanks."

Detective Knicks's Jersey eyed his car. "Nice ride. What year?"

"Uh, '66." Bobby grinned wide and gestured to it. "Wanna take a look. Put the V8 engine in myself. Hey, junior, pop the hood," he called out to Eric.

Eric leaned over and pressed the button.

The hood popped open and he lifted it up. Bobby stepped back as he let the detective look at the engine him and Lewis fixed up for the car.

"This an automatic?"

Bobby nodded. "Yea, it was an, uh, three-speed manual. But, I changed transmissions to a-a, uh…three-speed automatic." He looked around the hood to Eric. "Start it up, let them hear what it sounds like."

Eric rolled his eyes at him but did as he was told.

The car roared to life and Bobby grinned from ear-to-ear. "Beautiful, isn't it?"

"Definitely something else. Your kid help with it?"

Bobby eyed the cop. "Some, but it was my pet project. Took two years."

"Hey, Eric," the detective called out. "How many liters is this?"

Bobby glanced over at Eric as he saw the kid frown.

"I think it's a 6.9. Right, _dad_?" Eric asked him sarcastically.

Bobby nodded as he looked back at the detective. "He nailed it," he said as he let a real smile of pride spread over his face. He glanced back at Eric and locked eyes with him for a moment before he said, "He's going to be a great mechanic one day. Okay, turn it off."

Eric was smiling too as he reached over and turned the car off.

Bobby dropped the hood and walked around to the driver's side. "Anything else, officers?"

The detectives looked at each other before shaking their heads.

"Kay then." Bobby got into the car and pulled out onto the street.

Eric looked over at him. "Damn, you fooled 'em didn't you?"

Bobby rolled his eyes and glared over at Eric. "You need to hang low for a while. Next time, just call or come by after hours. Got it? I don't have the time to bail you out of jail."

"So…you told 'em I have a girl in there huh?"

"Don't get any ideas, _Junior_. You have a girl; a very nice girl who wants to marry your stupid ass one day. Don't blow that."

"Now, you really are sounding like my dad, Bobby."

Bobby smirked. "Good, maybe you'll listen to me. Plus, the last thing I need is you becoming another Rick."

"He's a hound dog."

Bobby laughed. "Where to?"

"I, uh, guess my place."

After Bobby dropped Eric off at his apartment, he headed back to the club. Ever since the close call with Eric and the run in with the Vice cops, his anxiety was kicking in. He had the sudden feeling that tonight wasn't going to be like all the other nights. The staleness in the air was making his heart pound in his chest.

He decided to go the back way to the club just in case the detectives were still casing the place for potential busts. Parking beside Mack's car, he got out and headed into the club. As soon as he opened the door, he was assaulted my not only loud music but a swarm of people. The place was dangerously packed.

Bobby spotted many people he recognized, but when he looked toward the bar, he didn't see Alex anywhere. Sliding pass a couple of drunken men at the corner of the bar, he opened the swinging door as he stepped behind the bar.

"Where's Alex?" Bobby asked Maggie.

"Bobby!" Maggie smiled over at him. "Where the hell have you been the last couple of days?"

"Nowhere. Where's Alex?" He asked again.

"She had the night off. I've got a waitress working with me; she's in the kitchen."

Bobby peaked around the corner into the kitchen and saw Ashley Townsend at the sink. He winced in disappointment and nodded. "Thanks." He quickly left the bar and ran up the stairs to Mack's office. Barely taking the time to knock, Bobby rasped on the door and let himself in.

Mack was seated on the couch, drinking and cutting a line of coke. "Bobby! Welcome back."

Bobby eyed his boss for a moment before he nodded. "So, Haddix's good."

"He's great. He told me what you did. I swear, if I didn't trust you with my life…" Mack shook his head. "I worry about you sometimes."

Bobby rubbed at his head as it started to ache. He really needed to see Alex before he lost his nerve. "Everything then, between us, is okay?"

Mack studied him for a long moment before he smiled. "Believe me if Haddix agrees to my terms, I'm going to need you more than ever. Yea, we're okay, Bob." He got up and went to his desk. Pulling open a drawer, he reached in and brought out a small black bank bag and tossed it to him.

Bobby caught it and eyed it. "What's this?"

"Payment for a job well done." Mack went back over to the couch and sat down. "Now, if you'd excuse me." Just as he said that the door opened and a woman Bobby barely recognized as a dancer came in. "I'm expecting company," Mack continued as he eyed the woman.

Bobby blinked back and headed toward the door. "Yeah, uh…Okay." Once out of the office he stared at the door and shook his head. He needed a drink, a cigarette, a nice talk with Alex, and a hell of a lot more sleep.

First, he had to get his payment to Fin.

Bobby left the club, not bothering to tell anybody what he was doing. Mack never questioned him about anything for the last seven months. His pulse was racing a hundred miles a minute as the adrenaline in him spiked. Even his mind was racing with paranoia as he searched the parking lot. Flipping his phone open, he went to call Fin when the phone vibrated in his hand. "Now what? Yeah," he spoke into the phone.

It was silent a moment before he heard a woman's voice. "Bobby? It's Brenda."

Bobby tossed the bag into the backseat of his car and closed his eyes. "Hey, what's going on? You need me?"

"Is that all right? Can I talk to you?"

Bobby was nodding into the phone as he stared his car. "Of course."

"Not over the phone. I'm at a restaurant. In Brooklyn."

_Brooklyn_. "All the way over there?"

"If you can't come--"

"No, no. It's fine. That's fine, uh, give me an hour?" Bobby had to focus hard on the road so not to get into an accident.

"You've got one hour."

Bobby snapped the phone shut and sighed. How long was this night going to be?

* * *

It took longer than he expected to get in contact with Fin. They had a usual meeting place in Manhattan, close to the department but not too close to where it'd draw suspicion. He spotted Fin's truck before it turned into the abandoned parking lot.

Bobby had parked safely out of sight, under the overpass, and watched as Fin's truck pulled beside his.

Fin smiled down at him. "Long time no see."

Bobby handed the bag over to his partner as he rested his head back on the seat. "Sanders still raving?"

"He'll be raving until you transfer. Hey, Bobby, don't worry 'bout it. You're a great cop, any department in the whole US of A would be glad to have you on their team. Just, focus on the job, get it done, and then…Hasta la vista."

"What…" Bobby shook his head and stared at the steering wheel. "What if I made a mistake today? It feels…something doesn't feel right."

Fin eyed him for a long time. Too long of a time; Bobby had to swallow down the urge to break and yell at his friend by the time Fin said something. "I'm not going to lie to ya, Bobby. There're a lot of things goin' on right now; in the department and out there. I'm not sure of everything myself, but…it's getting crunch time. Some guys are worried about you, having been undercover for so long."

"I'm not corrupted, Fin," he stressed.

Fin held up his hands. "I didn't say it. Just, watch it out there. Anything happens, just…throw up the white flag, man. Don't risk it."

Bobby clenched his jaw tight as he stared across the parking lot and out to the skyline of the city. "Yeah, okay. Are we still cool?"

Fin's smile was warm and friendly. "I wouldn't want anyone else watching my back. Hey, I'm looking into getting out of Narcotics myself. Like I said, it's a whole other world out here. Changes you."

Bobby stared up at Fin and gave a curt nod. "I'm glad for you. Where're you thinking about going?"

"SVU."

Bobby blinked back at that. "Really?"

Fin shrugged. "Make more of a difference there than here, right?"

"Yeah, guess so." Bobby wanted to stay and talk with Fin longer, but he needed to get to Brenda before she bailed on him. "Look," he straightened up and went to shift his car back into drive. "I might be getting somewhere with Vincennes's wife, so…I've got to go."

"I would say take it easy, but…I'll opt for good luck and watch it. Tonight has that feel, ya know? Cops get killed on a night like this."

Bobby nodded. He knew all right. "Go home and get some sleep, Fin. You look worse than I do."

"Asshole."

Bobby smirked and started to drive away. "Hey, uh…" he tried to come up with something to say, but he couldn't think of anything potent.

"Yea, you too, partner," Fin said as he pulled away.

* * *

Everything was moving in fast-forward. The city lights blurred around him as he headed across the Brooklyn Bridge toward the address Brenda had given him. Despite it being the middle of March, it was feeling more like summer. It was hot and humid. The air was still, stale, and had that itch to it that made every cop in New York paranoid.

Sometimes when bad things happened, it was when everything seemed normal and easy-going. An officer didn't have a care in the world, and then bam! Phone call saying an officer's been shot or something like that, but other nights, it felt exactly like this.

It didn't take him long to find the place. The restaurant was not more than a few miles from his home that wasn't his right then. Bobby parked two blocks away and started walking. Before he got a half block up the street, it started pouring down rain. Jogging the rest of the way, he hurried into the air conditioned restaurant and looked around the dimly lit room.

Brenda was in the very back, her back to him. Bobby made his way pass the tables, booths, and employees. "Brenda," he greeted as he sat down across from her. From his seat he had a clear view of the front door.

Brenda's smile was sweet and welcoming. "Bobby thanks for coming. I was getting worried."

"Sorry, long drive."

"I'll say from the looks of you, it's been a long day."

Bobby stared at the water glass on the table before picking it up. He downed half it in one go. "Your husband has a way of doing that."

"Don't I know it?"

Bobby gave her a once over, sizing her up in an instant. She didn't know that right then her husband was cheating on her with a stripper, but she was eyeing him with a look like she wanted to get even with the father of her child. And he was what she wanted to use to do it. He rubbed at his forehead that was starting to sweat. Taking off his jacket, he tried to relax but he couldn't.

"Do you ever wear a suit, Bobby?"

"No," he snapped out before he realized it. Bobby sighed and closed his eyes. "Sorry."

Brenda's teasing smile faded as she really took him in. "I shouldn't have called."

Bobby shook his head. He was losing it with her because he couldn't shake the nervous energy coursing through him. "No, I'm glad you called. I've been worried, since the other day. I like to know that you're doing well." He let that settle between them before he asked, "Why'd you call me? I know it wasn't to complain about my wardrobe."

Brenda's smile was back; even though it was tight and forced, it was there. "I feel like I can trust you, tell you anything."

Bobby nodded; when she looked down at the table, he leaned forward and tilted his head down to catch her eyes. "You can; I promise you that."

"You have such a good heart." Brenda's eyes were watering when she looked up at him. "I just wanted to warn you, about something."

Bobby felt his chest clench. _Was this what the feelings were about? Was the FBI about to bust up Mack's organization? Was he going to be arrested as soon as he left the restaurant? _"Hey, whatever it is…You can tell me."

"It's just…Mack has something else going on. Something he wants to get you into, but…"

Bobby frowned in confusion. _What was she talking about? What 'something else'?_ "What're…" he closed his eyes and tried to focus. "What's he doing, Brenda?"

Brenda wiped her eyes and went to stand. "I shouldn't…"

Bobby helped her up and took a hold of her quivering hand. "Please, tell me."

Brenda stared into his pleading eyes as she said, "I can't. All I can say is that it involves a lot of people, people that you trust but shouldn't." She pulled away and hurried out the door.

Bobby stood watching her. The feel of burning acid twisted in his stomach as her words filled his head.

As he walked down the soaked sidewalk, through the rain that still came down, he knew that Brenda wasn't informing anyone yet alone the FBI. He still had to make sure; he had a way of making sure. Pulling out his phone he sent an urgent text message to a bubby of his.

Tomorrow he'd know his answer about Brenda. Until then, he had to find Alex. He had to see her, talk to her.

He had told himself that he wouldn't get involved with her, that he would end up regretting it in the end if he did. That they would end up hurting each other, but he couldn't help the way he needed her like no other. The last couple days had been Hell without seeing her.

He'd never been in love before. He had heard stories and people telling him that when they had fallen in love, it was fast and it was hard. Sometimes they knew they were in love at first sight, others, they knew only after five minutes of talking to the other person. He always thought they were lying. That there was no way love hit a person like that; if it did hit a person that quickly then it couldn't be real.

Then he met Alex. And just like that, it hit him.

"Damn cupid," Bobby muttered under his breath as he slipped into his car.

* * *

Bobby pulled up to Alex's apartment building and stared up at it while he called her cell. After several rings, she picked up. "Alex!"

"Bobby?"

He smiled into the phone as he continued to eye the apartment. "Where are you?"

She was quiet for a moment before saying, "I'm not home, if that's what you're thinking. Look, I need to talk to you. I'm closer to your place."

"I'll meet you there." Bobby didn't give her time to respond before he flipped the phone shut and hurried over to his apartment. He beat her there, but only by a few seconds. She was walking up to his door as he was about to close it. Their eyes locked and he knew something was wrong. "What is it?"

Alex walked by him into the living room and waited for him to shut the door. "You know how many busts I've had so far while working at the club?"

Bobby shook his head. "You haven't spoken to me about any."

"Well, five. Five!" She angerly crossed her arms over her chest as she continued, "And I would've had six if not for you. What was that about?"

Bobby was taken back at the sudden anger being directed toward him. "Wait, five? I told you to talk to me before you did anything."

"Just like you talk to me," she shot back.

"I told you what I was doing." Bobby slipped off his heavy leather jacket that was starting to weigh down on him from all the rain it'd collected. "Why didn't you call me?"

"Why did you save Eric's ass?"

Bobby flinched at that and rubbed a hand over his wet head. "He's a part of Mack's organization. I need him now. He can't be arrested."

"Eric's a kid, barely nineteen. What was I supposed to do?"

"Call me," he finally snapped back. "That was what I told you to do."

"When?" she asked as she glared at him. "While you were away and I couldn't reach you? I'm not going to stop doing my job just because you're not around, Bobby. I had opportunities to make a couple of busts, so I took them. Now, I'm getting heat from my guys because you interfered."

"I'm sorry about that; I'm not trying to keep you from doing your job, Alex. Just…" he rubbed a head through his hair in frustration as he closed his eyes. His anger was starting to get the best of him. "Just, leave Eric alone. He's a good kid."

"So, that's what this is about? Helping some kid who's working for a drug-dealer?"

"Yes."

"He's breaking the law; he's going to get arrested anyway when you take Mack down."

Bobby stared over at her. "He'll deal out, get probation, and then…He'll, uh…be working a good job, a legal one."

"Please, Bobby. Who are you doing this for, him or yourself?"

Bobby stared hard at her. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me. It seems to me that you're letting yourself get personal; getting too attached to these guys. Are you going to try to get Mack a plea as well?"

Bobby felt his fist clench at that accusation. "Why did you become a cop?"

"My dad was a cop; and I want to help people."

"Do you? I mean, do you really or did you become a cop because your family expected it?" Bobby stepped closer to her until he towered over her. "My parents didn't want me to be a cop, but I did it because I _have_ to help people, protect them. And that's what I'm doing for Eric. So don't you ever think for a minute that I'm _ever_ going to do anything less than that," he snapped at her. "And yes, he may be working for Mack, but he's only doing it because he had no other choice. I'm giving him another choice, a shot at a normal life because that's a part of my job. I'm not just out here to arrest people and destroy their lives, especially kids like Eric and neither you nor anyone else is going to take that away from me." He continued to stare at her as he backed away.

The events of the day were finally catching up to him. It was pushing down on him so hard that he felt like collapsing right there, shamefully in front of Alex. God, what was he doing yelling at her anyway? Bobby suddenly turned and headed for his bedroom.

Sitting heavily onto his bed, he held his throbbing head in his hands. He hoped that he hadn't driven Alex away from him completely. Despite his warring mind and heart, he needed her.

He could try and denial that need for the rest of his life, however, just then, he wanted to do nothing except feel the pain of that denial rip through him. For some disturbing reason, he wanted to feel that hurt. He had killed another man today. He deserved to be ripped apart.

The door to his bedroom opened; he glanced over his shoulder and saw Alex walk in. To say he was surprised to see her still there was an understatement. He was utterly confused and stunned.

Alex sat beside him but didn't look at him. Her eyes focused on the opposite wall before they dropped to the floor. "I forgot to welcome you back."

Bobby stared at the side of her face, trying to figure her out. It was a losing battle. He would never figure her out, just like she would never come close to figuring him out. "You mean that little blow-up wasn't my welcome back gift?"

A tight smile formed on her face as she glanced over at him. "Oh, that? No, that was the foreplay."

Bobby chuckled as he leaned back on his bed and started at the dark ceiling. "I'm not sorry."

Alex didn't look at him as she said, "Neither am I. It's the way I do the Job, Bobby. I can't let it get personal. I can't get involved like that. I want to help, I really do, but I can only help the victims, the innocent."

"Eric's innocent."

"Not in my eyes." She then turned and looked at him. "That's where we differ. I don't take criminals on an 'as they come' basis. To me, a criminal is a criminal is a criminal. Intent isn't my concern. I don't care why they did it; I just know that they did it and they need to be dealt with legally according to the law."

Bobby swallowed hard as he took that in as he blinked up at the ceiling. "You're so…black and white. Things aren't that simple. Nothing in life is ever that simple, Alex."

"To me they are. They have to be," she said softly, almost to herself.

The way she said that told him loud and clear that it hadn't always been that way. She had let it get personal before; that maybe once she had let herself help out the criminals as well. But now there was no grey area when it came to her police work. Something happened to make her change. Bobby stared into her eyes as he told her, "I hope you change your mind one day."

Alex just stared down at him with dark worried eyes. "I hate to break it to you, Bobby, but I don't think we'll ever see eye-to-eye on anything."

Bobby smirked as he reached up and rubbed at her back; he didn't know why he did it. It just happened. His fingers slid up and into her hair as he continued to try and ease the tension out of her back. "Not anything?" he softly asked her.

Alex sat still as his hand explored her back. His fingers traced over her shoulder, across the strap of her bra, and down to the skin that showed from where her shirt raised up. As his fingers ran along her smooth skin, Alex bit the bottom of her lip as she kept her eyes on him. Daring her to make a move, he let his hand travel up her side, making her shiver under him. His thumb rubbed along her rib right below her bra, begging for her to turn into his touch.

She did; she slightly turned toward him and just as he thumb slid over her breast she lunched herself off the bed. "Sorry," Alex suddenly mumbled under her breath as his hand dropped down to the bed. "I've got to go."

And just like that, she was gone and he was staring at the empty space that she once occupied. His fingers still tingled from touching her as he covered his face and cursed himself.

TBC…


	10. Ch9: A Long Night pt 2

**A/N: Thanks** again for reading and letting me know what you think! Also, I'm an idiot, lol. After looking over my notes, I realized that I skipped over a conversation between Bobby and Sanders at the end of their argument in chapter7. So, I had to go back and add it; if not, you all will be confused by why Bobby doesn't have his gun. All it consists of is that Bobby had to hand over his weapon for the IA investigation and that Fin is supposed to have another one for him in a few days.

All right, enough of my stupidity…Enjoy!

* * *

He couldn't just lay there, staring into his hands, and pretend to ignore what he'd just done. It wasn't how his mind worked. If he didn't do something, like talking to Alex...really talk with her, than he wasn't going to get any sleep. Tomorrow he'd be not only ignoring what happened that night but also her, and that was only going to cause more problems...What had he done?

Ruined an already strained partnership? Ruin a possible friendship? Embarrassed not only himself but Alex as well?

All of the above?

Bobby sighed into his unnaturally still hands. Not tonight. Maybe on any other night he'd do just that. Ignore it all and shrug if off as another relationship done horribly bad. But not tonight. The night still wasn't over and even though he was seconds away from falling asleep, wanting morning to get there as soon as possible, he couldn't shake the feeling that he couldn't.

Instead of wallowing in stubbornness, pride, and a bottle of good Scotch, he pushed himself up off the bed. He swallowed every instinct he had in his body as he grabbed his keys as headed for the door. Hopefully Alex would be home. He should call, but she probably wouldn't answer him anyway. All he could really hope for was that she was home and that she'd listen to him. The alternative was having her knee him in the groining. In all actually, he'd gladly take that pain if it meant she'd forgive his male stupidity.

The short five-minute drive over to her apartment didn't seem like an eternity, like it should have, but it zoomed by him like the rest of the evening. The buildings blurred, lights from the cars going by him became one, stretching on for miles. He suddenly found himself stopped in front of her building, staring up at it as he tried to steady his racing pulse. He wished he could have seen her place from the street; then he wouldn't have to walk all the way up there to know if she was home or not. Taking one last deep breath, he got out and slammed the car door harder than he intended too.

There were a group of teens down on one corner, hanging out, smoking, and cursing louder than the cars going by. As he reached the steps a car grabbed his attention. It was a patrol cop car, and it was rounding the corner where the teens were. It wasn't necessary the car that grabbed his attention, but the speed of the car. The cops were on the prowl; they were barely going twenty miles per hour as the spotlight illuminated the group at the corner.

He shook his head as he jogged up the steps and into the safety of the building. He didn't miss the patrols at all. The more he got closer to seeing Alex again the worse his nerves got. By the time he was standing at the top of the steps, staring down toward her door, his hands were fidgeting at his sides as his eyes darted around the hallway and back down the steps. His paranoia was setting in again as he heard a door down below him open and distant voices.

He was going to drive himself crazy before the night was over with. He raised his hand to knock on the door and heard the locked being turned and then, before he could blink, it swung open.

"Oh, damn it, Bobby!" Alex jumped back at the sight of him. Her hand was resting over her chest as she stared up at him. "You scared the hell out of me!"

"S-sorry. I..." he trailed off as he let his eyes take in her appearance and the bag clutched in her hand. "Leaving?" Bobby asked as he took a step toward her, into the apartment.

Alex stepped back further away from him. "Look, whatever you came here to say, can it wait?"

Bobby didn't want to leave it at that, especially when he could tell that something was bothering her. And it wasn't his presence there. "Okay, I'll, uh...apologize later, but you didn't answer my question. Are you leaving?"

She stood watching him for a long moment. "I told you that my guys were giving me heat over what happened earlier," Alex explained as she brushed her hair back behind her ears. There wasn't much she could do with the duffle bag in her right hand. He nodded, she continued, "so, to help them out, and since I have tonight off at the club, I told them that I'd take the surveillance job that none of them wanted to do."

Bobby was momentarily confused as that sunk in. "Uh, surveillance? Tonight?"

"Well, it's more like a stakeout, really." Alex went to usher him out of the apartment when he stopped just outside the door.

"You're not going alone." Bobby didn't intend for his voice to sound as stern and demanding as it did, but with the feelings he'd been having that night and with everything that had happened, it was all clouding his emotions.

Alex wasn't budging; she went to protest when he raised his hands and carefully laid them on her shoulder. "Alex, I'm not trying to control this; I apologize if it seems that way, but...It's just...You can't go alone, not tonight. Okay? I'll go with you and I promise..." he stared down hard at her. "I won't say anything."

Alex eyed him seriously before her stern lips pulled up into a smile. "Not anything?"

Bobby smirked. "I'll be a mute. For you, just let me sit in the damn car with you."

"And here I thought I was the only paranoid cop tonight."

Bobby closed his eyes and rubbed at his sweaty face. "Every cop in New York is paranoid tonight. Believe me."

Alex finally nodded as she pulled the door closed behind her. "Okay. Let's go."

* * *

Alex glanced over at him nearly half an hour after they pulled up to the side of the curb. "You know, you can talk."

Bobby gave her a small smile as he continued to stare over at the house they were watching. "I know. I'm just thinking."

"About?"

Bobby shrugged a little as he glanced down the street. He was looking everywhere except at her. "Today. Not about us, with what happened earlier, but...just, the whole day."

Alex was silent for a long moment. She returned to watching the house and didn't seem like she wanted to continue with the conversation.

He was glad. It'd been a tough day. Not his best, but also not his worst. He thought about telling her about it, make the stakeout go by quicker, but he didn't want to talk about it. She couldn't help him; it was his burden to bare, and he didn't want to worry her even more than she had been. "So, uh, what's this about?" Bobby asked, changing the topic. If he was going to stick this out with her, he'd better know what the deal was.

Alex hesitated as she continued to stare at the house. "Child prostitution."

Bobby closed his eyes as that hit him. "Damn," he muttered under his breath. When he opened them and glanced at Alex, she was watching him. "No wonder your guys were so willing to let you pick it up for them."

Alex turning back to watch the house. "It's worse than that, though. We think they're trafficking."

Bobby flinched and rubbed at his head. It was hot outside and he was sweating already, but with this new added information he was feeling dizzy. "Black market?"

Alex shrugged. "I'm not sure. It's bad, whatever it is. We want to get all the facts straight before we take it down. We don't want to leave anything hanging."

"I understand. You want to make sure you get everyone involved." Bobby watched her closely. She was keeping it together despite the situation and the obvious strong emotions that were coursing through her, and him. "You were right; I wanted to, uh, a-apologize for my actions this evening. I was--"

"My husband was shot on a night like this."

Bobby's head snapped up at that. _Her husband?_ He felt a wave of pain and sadness, along with anger in himself, creep up and clench at his heart. "Did he…"

Alex nodded once. "A couple of days later. He tired to hold on, but…" A tight smile formed on her face.

"Jesus, I'm sorry."

"It's okay. He did what you did." She took a wary glance at him before focusing back on the house. Bobby was sure she wasn't seeing it though. "He was undercover when the drug bust went wrong. That was nearly two years ago."

Bobby was really feeling like shit now. Her husband died doing the exact something he was doing. No wonder she had a hard time around him, making it personal when she shouldn't have. That anger she was holding toward him and the way he'd been keeping her in the dark lately was now slapping him in the face. It stung and he felt like groveling for her to forgive his stupidity. Of course he didn't know; how could he have known? But that didn't take the sting away. "What was his name?"

Alex's smile was tight but warm as she said, "Joseph Dutton."

He heard of him. "I remember that. I was…unable to attend the funeral. I wanted to, but I couldn't," Bobby softly acknowledged. "I knew of him. He was a good guy. The guys in the department, I heard them call him Joe."

Alex smiled over at him; it was a real, warm smile. "And just so you know, the answer is no. My last name isn't Dutton."

Bobby smirked. He had been wondering. "Strong, independent woman like you, of course you kept your last name."

Alex turned away from him. "Stop being charming."

"Can't help it," Bobby muttered right back. He wanted to smile at their light teasing, but what he really wanted was for her to slap the shit out of him. "Why…" he rubbed a hand over his tired, burning eyes before trying again. "Why didn't you…stop me? Kneed me in the balls or something?"

Alex stared over at him, looking confused before she started laughing. It was light at first, teasing, before it filled the car.

Bobby felt the chuckle start deep within him before he was laughing as well. They could have both been hysterical, the night catching up with both of them, but right then he didn't care. "Oh…God, Alex," he got out between laughs. Once the car was quiet again, he asked, "So, you forgive me?"

Alex eyed him for a brief moment, making him sweat some more. "I let you come, didn't I?"

Yes, she did. And it was no small miracle. Bobby smiled and turned his attention back to the house.

They had been there for over an hour, and still nothing. Nobody was coming or going, there were hardly any cars down that street. The trees that lined the sidewalks were starting to get leaves again as spring was approaching. The air was still thick, making his head spin and heart pound.

"Mind if I smoke?"

Alex eyed him. "Yes."

Bobby fingered the pack in his hand and looked over at her. "I quit, six years ago. But, with this job..." he trailed off as she stared at him like he was an idiot. The Job was no excuse. Turning to the open window, he tossed the pack out the car.

"That's littering," she teased, but he could see the seriousness in her eyes.

He didn't like it either. "Dammit," he muttered angrily to himself as he opened the car door and got out.

It was dark, not a street lamp neat them, and the fences that separated the lawns from the sidewalk were covered with dry, dead vines and bushes. Without a flashlight, he was probably near going to find the abandoned pack of cigarettes.

"Give it up, Bobby. You're never going to find them."

Bobby shot Alex a glare over his shoulder; he soon realized that there was no possible way she could see him. Turning back to the task at hand, he felt around in the bushes until his fingers brushed over something that wasn't weeds, but plastic and soft. "Ha! Find 'em."

As soon as he picked up the pack, he spotted lights illuminating around the corner. It was the first car they'd seen in nearly two hours. "Heads up," he told Alex before he dropped to the ground.

The car was around the corner and headed their way. Bobby scooted back against Alex's car as he listened to the sound of the other car passing them. He hoped that Alex was hidden in the seats. Getting down on the sidewalk, he peered under the car and held his breath as the car slowed as it drove beside them.

He couldn't hear anything except the car's engine and the pounding in his ears. _Come on; keep going. _Just as he thought that their cover might be blown, the car drove away. Bobby exhaled deeply against the concrete. _Thank you, God. _

Bobby slowly got up into a kneeling position, and observed over the hood of the car as the other car, a 2000 Ford Mustang, drove further up the block; it went right up into the driveway of the house they were watching. "You getting this?" he asked without taking a look inside the car.

"Yep."

As he spotted the man get out of the car, he froze. All the blood in him ran cold as it felt like a truck hit him. It took a moment for his mind to catch up, and when it did, his fist clenched so tightly his nails dug into his palms.

"Bobby!?"

That was Alex's stern, low voice; it was demanding something of him. He turned and eyed her through the windshield. She had the same stunned expression that he was sure was on his own face.

"Was that really him?" Bobby had to ask. He had to know that he wasn't seeing this in the dark. "Rick?"

What seemed like minutes later but Bobby knew that it was only seconds, Rick came back out with a girl behind him. A girl that he had seen before.

_Maria._

"Bobby," Alex's voice was still stern and thick with an emotion he had never thought he would ever hear from her. "Get in the car, now. We've got to go."

It took him a moment to move. He stared back two people getting into the car one last time before he shifted into a standing position and hurried into the car. Bobby rubbed as his throbbing head as he stared out of the window, not seeing a thing.

His mind was running over everything; the conversation he'd had with Brenda that night. She had warned him that Mack was doing something, something that he wanted to get him into. It involved people that he trusted but shouldn't. That Sunday came to his mind. Being in that stuffy room, with Mack testing him, Maria at his side and then gone. He got Mack to let her leave them alone.

_You wishing she was back in here?_

Alex, despite her eagerness to get off that street, was a remarkably calm driver. She had them a little over five blocks from the house before she let out a rushed breath of air. "What was that?"

"Where from?"

They had both asked at the same time.

Bobby stared over at her. "Where are they trafficking from? Or to?"

"Uh," Alex took a second to answer as she remembered, "Puerto Rico. Why was Rick there, Bobby?"

Bobby felt sick. "Pull over."

"What? You still haven't--"

"Pull over. Now." Bobby didn't wait for the car to be fully stopped before he opened the door and stumbled over the sidewalk.

_He was going to kill them. As soon as he got his gun back he was going to march right into that club and shoot every last one of them in their fucking heads! Puerto fucking Rico. _

He wondered what Mack could gain from partnering with Tony Ramirez. It wasn't like he really needed the drugs or territory. Mack said he needed Tony's connections.

_What connections?! _

Now he knew.

He turned around toward the street and flinched at the anger that bore from Alex's eyes. Bobby went to speak when she cut him off.

"Answer me?!" she yelled at him.

Bobby took a deep breath as he shook his head. "It's...them. All of them. They're all in on it. I should've..." he trailed off as Alex stepped closer to him.

"Should've what? What're you telling me? Who are they?"

"Mack an--" he wasn't expecting the fist thrown toward his chest, or the anger that coursed through Alex to be so violent. Bobby couldn't blame her, he felt like punching someone too. Rick, Mack, hell, even himself.

"Are they trafficking people, girls, Bobby, for drugs," Alex asked through clenched teeth as she continued to hit him.

Bobby muffled a yelp as she hit his wounded shoulder. Reaching out, he caught her flying arms and gripped her wrists tight as he pulled her into a tight embrace. "I didn't know, Alex," he pleaded with her as he held her tight against him. "I swear…" he swallowed hard as his eyes clenched shut. "I swear to God I didn't know."

Not wanting to let her go just yet, he held her until he heard her muffle a cry against his chest. Finally realizing that they were on a city street, with people and cars going by, he pushed her softly away from him and looked down at her.

Alex reached up and wiped at her eyes before she faced him. "Sorry, for hitting you."

Bobby gave her a sympathetic smile. "Don't be, I mean, if I could I would have hit myself for not seeing it. For not knowing about it soon enough."

"It's not your fault. People just don't go around looking for things like that."

"No, they don't." Bobby let go of her shoulders and finally stepped back. Looking around, he had a sudden urge to get back in the car and drive. "Keys, please."

Alex stared up at him, confused.

"I have to drive…It, uh…helps me think. Please." Bobby watched as Alex reluctantly handed her keys over to him.

Once in the car, he started driving without knowing exactly where he was going.

Alex didn't care either as she was quiet and still beside him; she didn't even argue with his mindless driving. They both remained silent, lost in their own thoughts. Bobby couldn't get it out of his head that he'd been undercover with those guys for nearly a year and he hadn't once realized that this was going on. It pissed him off.

It was some time later, after they crossed into Brooklyn, that he ventured a glance at the clock. They'd been driving around for almost an hour. "Wanna get some coffee?" Bobby asked as he glanced over at the quiet form of Alex.

Alex nodded. "Yeah that'd be good."

They stopped briefly at a coffee shop in the middle of Brooklyn, one that Bobby knew would be open at four in the morning. Taking it to go, they were both seated in the car not more than five minutes later, passing empty work buildings and sleeping neighbors. Every so often they would spot another car, or a patrol, cruising the streets; ignoring them.

"Where're we going?" Alex asked as she took a sip of the coffee.

Bobby stared out onto the road as he followed a familiar path around the Brooklyn streets. "To where I grew up."

It wasn't until they were parking that Alex spoke again. "Well, I've got to admit, never been to Canarsie Pier before."

Bobby didn't respond to that; instead, he ventured ahead of her and took the long walk to the very end of it. Leaning against the rail, he stared out over the water. It didn't take long before he felt her next to him. "I used to come here all the time when I was a kid. Think I even got arrested here once." He smiled at the look on Alex's face. "I was caught smoking."

"Ah."

"After a while, I stopped then I left for the Army. When I got home, I, uh, came back one last time with my mother. We watched the sun come up together until we had to leave." Bobby didn't tell her where they left to; she didn't need to know that. Not now, maybe not ever. "Never came back since then, 'til now. That was, uh, thirteen years ago."

Alex took a long drink from the coffee before asking, "Why now?"

"Wanted to watch the sun come up. Celebrate surviving this night. You don't want to celebrate with me?"

The night was giving away to day as the sun was starting to show over the horizon. They both took several minutes to take in the sun coming up, illuminating Jamaica Bay and the run down pier behind them.

Bobby cleared his throat. It was time to let her know what was going on with him. He had to tell somebody and calling Fin was out of the question. "I, uh...killed a man today, well...yesterday. Wasn't anything I could do. He fired at me and I did what I was trained to do. You know, when I was a kid, I didn't think that I'd be a cop. I was interested in other things, but…Watching movies and TV shows, you think it's cool. Being the good cop, running in…shooting bad guys….It's, uh…nothing like that at all. I didn't even know the guy's name or what he was even doing there. Doesn't make it easier. I want to tell myself that it was right. That I was the good cop shooting the bad guy, that I'm glad it wasn't me, and at the end of the day, I'm able to watch the sun come up, at least for another damn day."

He was glad Alex didn't say anything; she only looked over at him and leaned against his hurt shoulder. Right then, the pain in his arm was ignored as he leaned back into her. Bobby, for once, let his mind stop turning and just let himself enjoy the moment. Alex, his new friend, giving him her silent support as they relished in the warmth of the day.

"Happy St. Patrick's Day, Alex." Bobby told her before he took a long pull off the warm coffee. "Hope it's better than yesterday."

"I'll drink to that," she said as she took a sip off the coffee. "You know I'm half-Irish."

Bobby looked over at her, smiling. "Oh, yeah? Wondered where that snark of yours came from."

"Yeah, me and Joe. Should've seen _us_ argue. Two hot blooded Irish going at each other." She reached up and wiped a tear away. "Sorry."

Bobby shook his head as he took a hold of her hand. "Don't be. I'm sure you had some wonderfully awful fights."

Alex started laughing as she tried to clear her face of dried tears. "The best. So, ready or..."

Bobby shook his head. "No, I'm ready. Here," he handed the keys back to her. "Thanks, for, uh...you know, letting me drive."

"Right."

* * *

They managed to make it back to Bobby's apartment in one piece. He was dead on his feet as he strolled heavily down the hallway with Alex trailing him. "I've got left over pizza and beer."

"Sounds wonderful," Alex said as she closed his door behind her. "This is decent."

Bobby frowned as he eyed her over his shoulder before going back to pulling out the pizza box from the refrigerator. "You were here not even a full seven hours ago."

Alex sat down on the couch and sighed in satisfaction. "I know, but I didn't take the time from my blowup to compliment you on your decor. Mind if I turn the TV on."

Bobby shook his head. "Go right ahead." He dished out a couple of pieces on a plate before sticking them in the microwave. The early morning news report drifted through the apartment and to his ears.

"_...the shooting accord around three-thirty early this morning. The officers were responding..."_

Bobby turned and hurried into the living room. He stood still in front of the television as he saw the pictures of two fellow officers, both dressed in their blues.

"_...to a Domestic Disturbance call when the suspect, forty-two year old Mitchell Randal, opened fired on the two officers. It was reported that Officer Joshua Thomas was pronounced dead on the scene, while Officer Anthony Hensley is listed as in serious condition."_

"Why weren't we called?"

Bobby pulled his eyes off the screen and stared hard at Alex. "What could we have done? We're undercover." He heard the microwave beeping at him but he was no longer interested in idea of eating.

Alex stared right back at him and he had to force himself to move away from that stare. Bobby decided to busy himself with the pizza and beer anyway to give him something to do. Plus, he wanted to have a moment alone with his anger and thoughts.

His, and every other cops in the area, feelings were right. Last night was a disaster waiting to happen. And it had happened. Chaos and death were always around them, threatening to explode. It was a ticking time bomb waiting to happen, and it reached its breaking point that night.

He handed Alex a plate and bottle as he sat down next to her. "I shouldn't have snapped at you." Bobby glanced over at her and tried for a tight smile.

Alex was still watching the news and trying to balance the big slices of pizza in one hand and the beer in the other. "You're right though; I wasn't thinking. I've never been in this position before, undercover like this."

"It's not easy." Bobby took a sip off the cold brew and sighed. He wanted to come home, relax on the couch with Alex, eat and drink and let the night fade away until they had to deal with it again that evening. Nothing was ever that simple. "This is why I couldn't attend your husband's...uh, funeral." He ventured a looked over at her. She was silent, but she was still there with him, eating the pizza slowly and figuring the bottle in her hand. "No one called me; I had to hear about it on the news, like now. He was even in my department, and I couldn't pay my respects to him or his family. I felt...angry, betrayed at first, but I understood. It's the Job. Maybe the worst part, maybe the best...just, depends."

Alex looked over at him for the first time. A mournful expression on her face. "I think I'm starting to hate the job."

Bobby eyed her for a long moment then nodded once. "Welcome to my world."

TBC...


	11. Ch10: That Morning

**A/N: **Thanks again for reading and letting me know what you think! Okay, this is rated **M**. I repeat: rated **M**. And it's one scene long but it took me a while to write it so I hope I don't disappoint anyone. **RATED** **M! **lol

Enjoy!

* * *

In the silence that surrounded him something urged at him to move. The comfortable darkness that he'd been drifting in and partly out of was starting to fade as soft noises broke through the emptiness around him. It was then that he felt a warm weight against him. Then he felt that warm weight move against him, urging him to do the same.

His mind was momentarily confused as he tried to open his heavy eyelids. Failing to get his eyes to cooperate, he got his arm--which was pinned between him and the solid warmth--up and curiously trailed his fingers up a clothed arm and into a tangle mess of hair.

_What the...? _

Bobby managed to open an eye and peered down at the sight before him. The warmth that was pressed fully against him and struggling to stay with him on the couch was Alex. As his mind finally snapped partly awake, she shifted against him again, this time more forcibly; he instantly wrapped his arm around her and pulled her with him as he shifted until he was stuck between the back of the couch and Alex's body.

She chose that moment to break out of her frustrated sleep and stare up at him. At the revealing of those light and sleepy brown eyes, Bobby's breath hitched. The sun was pouring through the window above them; the bright rays seemed to latch onto her and made her glow in his shaded arms. He couldn't dream of a more beautiful image to wake up to.

"You okay?" Bobby hastily asked as he let out the breath he'd been holding; his mind was still foggy causing his voice to sound thick and slurred.

Alex continued to look up at him; she appeared to be still stuck somewhere between dreamland and his arms. "Fine; felt like I was falling."

The edges of his lips threatened to twist up at the sound of her sleepy voice. It was softer and sounded more real, vulnerable, and very, very sexy. "I thought you were; sorry, 'm not used to sharing my couch."

A lazy smile spread on her makeup-smeared face as she closed her eyes. "You caught me."

Bobby shifted, trying to bury himself further into her before she was fully awake and kicked him off the couch. His arm wrapped tighter around her as he rested his chin on the top of her head and breathed in her scent. "Won't let you fall," he mumbled as his heavily tired mind started to drift.

Those were the last words he remembered hearing or speaking as he wrapped himself in her warmth like it was a blanket. He drifted in her comfort of her body next to his until he felt a coldness attack his chest. Groaning in frustration, he reached out to grab on to her and pull her back to him when he felt empty air around his hand and cool leather under his fingers.

His eyes flew open to be staring at his television, which was still on and turned down. Worry and panic gripped him as he searched the living room for Alex. She wasn't anywhere near him. _Where'd she go? She didn't get up and leave did she?_

Bobby stumbled off the couch and looked into the kitchen. Empty. Turning toward the door, he spotted that it was still locked so Alex couldn't have left. There was only on other place she could be. He turned and headed down the hallway but he immediately realized that she wasn't in the bathroom either. The door was open and the light was off.

At the end of the hallway he stared confusingly at his slightly closed bedroom door and hesitantly walked toward it. Pushing the door slowly open, he stilled. Alex was curled up in his bed, blanket pulled up over her head, and was fast asleep. He stood inside the door watching her as a mixture of emotions clouded his already confused mind. Struggling with his internal debate about whether to join her or not, he figured she came in there to either get away from him or...

He blinked back as that was the only conclusion he could come up with. Alex wanted to be alone, away from him, and he'd respect that. As he turned to leave and shut the door behind him, he heard her soft voice behind him.

"I'm not hogging the bed."

Bobby turned back and looked at her. Alex's eyes were still closed and she looked peaceful and asleep. "You look...comfortable."

"I am. I was getting cold and...you're big."

Bobby felt the blush of embarrassment creep up his neck as he stared at the woman who still appeared to be asleep but obviously wasn't.

"You're not mad--?"

"No," he quickly reassured her.

Alex suddenly opened her eyes, peering over at him. She reached out with an arm and lightly tapped the other side of the bed. "Your bed, join me."

Bobby had to smile at the sudden mumbling voice that slurred out of her mouth. She was not as awake as he thought she was. "You sure?"

She didn't move for a moment and then she lifted the blanket like an offering to him to slip in under it with her. "C'mon."

Bobby slowly made his way over to her. He didn't know why but even though it was his bed, with Alex resting in it, it seemed like it was hers. That he was intruding, and it twisted a familiar yet dangerous spark in him as he slipped under the blanket and eased down into his pillow. It felt so good to be laying in his bed and even better when Alex returned that warm presence to his chest as she curled against him.

He could sleep just like that all day until he had to show up to the club at that evening. Glancing at the clock on his nightstand he saw that he had seven to eight hours before he had to be up. Wrapping an protective arm around Alex, wishing her to never leave him feeling that cold again as she did when she abandoned him on the couch, he sighed deeply, relishing in the feel of her. "This okay?"

Alex nodded in his chest and relaxed against him; her arm slid out from between them and sneaked under his arm and around his waist. "Mmmm," she hummed against him.

Her hot breathing and deep rumbled moan sung in his ears, clenching his heart and stirring an arousal in him so deep he was barely able to control himself. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Alex had to feel safe and comfortable with him to let him in this close, to be this intimate, and he was not about to ruin that again by acting on his stupid male impulses.

Closing his eyes and trying to force the whirling butterflies and tugging tightness between his legs, he was unaware of Alex's eyes opening. Nor the fact that she was watching him with the same untamed control and warring feelings as him.

Thinking he had won his battle between what nature intended and his conscious, Bobby opened his eyes. He felt her watching him and when he looked down, all his control broke at the smothering heat that radiated from her eyes.

Alex watched him for a few more seconds with questioning eyes; just as he thought that she was going to snap out of it and actually abandon him by leaving his apartment, she shifted up against him. He watched her eyes close as her lips covered his.

Her lips fit perfect against his; they were soft and wanting as they pressed harder against his, urging for something more. The need he felt pour into him from those lips gripped him by surprise. He knew that he wanted her, had for a long time now, but he had no idea that she wanted him just as badly, and that dissolved any control he had left. There would be no second-guessing, no backing out of this. They were there together and he wasn't going to let her go, not until he had her, all of her. Not until he gave her all of him.

Needing to taste more of her, he teased her bottom lip with his tongue until she parted her lips, letting him slip in. After one second of slipping into her hot wet mouth he knew he wanted to stay there forever; tasting, drinking, and resting in that talented mouth that filled every want and need he ever had.

Rolling Alex onto her back, he deepened the kiss with his tongue and groaned as her hands caressed his neck and smoothed down his back. Trying to keep as much of his weight off her as possible, he settled his right arm under her head, leaning all his weight on it; his left hand began to explore the curves under her shirt.

Even with the soft moans and playful teasing of her nails and fingers along his back, Bobby had to make sure she really wanted this, wanted him. He had to know what she was thinking and he was kicking himself for being so concerned and worried. Why couldn't he just be like any normal man and give into his desire for this woman? Instead, he broke the kiss and stared at her eyes until they opened.

Alex smiled suggestively at him and he was struggling to not strip down right then and finish them off hard and fast. "Hey."

"Hey," he huskily breathed back. Bobby searched her eyes and saw no regret or any indication that she was wanting to back out. "I, uh...was just wondering..."

Alex leaned up and kissed him, letting her lips linger on his before pulling back. And as if she could read his mind, she eased his worries by saying, "It's okay. I want this."

She started kissing him again; they were short, soft peeks that echoed in his ears and seemed to ease him even more; but his mind still wouldn't shut up. "What're we doing, exactly?" He managed to ask between kisses.

"We're kissing."

Bobby chuckled against her mouth and breathed out deeply into her neck before he pulled away. _God, why couldn't he just stop talking and make love to her already! _He groaned at his sudden warring body and rested his head on her chest. When he lifted his head to look at her, he saw the concern in her eyes. "I..."

Alex stared down at him as her arms slid off his back. Her hands gripped his shoulders. "Stop it."

Bobby frowned at her. "Stop what?"

"Thinking." Alex urged him up until he obeyed. Once he was hovering over her once more, she told him, "Stop worrying. Forget about everything else, okay?" Then she pulled him down for a kiss that caused the pleasure that filled him to ignite on fire.

"God, Alex." Bobby felt himself melt into her welcoming embrace as his mind finally gave into his body's demand for the woman under him.

Her body felt like it was smothering with heat as it quivered under his curiously roaming fingertips. Releasing the home he had found in her mouth, he followed the imaginary trail his fingers were leaving with his equally curious tongue. He started with her neck, licking the salty skin and sucking at spots that made her body tremble.

"Mm, so good," her voice was thick with lust and want; it was encouraging, urging him onward and downward.

His fingers once again teased over her breast as his thumb rubbed at the nipple under her shirt. The feel of cloth was starting to push at his nerves. Abruptly abandoning her body, making Alex groan, he reached down and gripped the edge of her shirt. "Off."

She didn't hesitate to set up, reach down, and yank the unwanted fabric over her head. He stared at the newly exposed skin and the heat that reddened over her chest, neck, and face. The tightness that was getting hard to hide behind his jeans was threatening to burst as his eyes traveled the length of her body.

Alex's hands suddenly reached out and gripped his shirt and tugged up; lifting his arms, he let her undress him, exposing his chest. She studied him for a long moment, making him squirm under her analyzing gaze, before her lips kissed over his chest as her fingers skidded over his nipples, inflaming his skin. Pushing herself up, she rubbed her body against his as she wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him hard and deep.

He held her body against his as they deepened the kiss, letting his hands stroke over her smooth back and up to the bra strap. Easing the bra off, he settled her back down on his bed. Alex bucked and gasped as he captured a nipple in his mouth and began sucking, licking, and then biting.

"Bobby," she nearly screamed as his teeth nipped at her.

He couldn't help the chuckle that rippled through him at the sight of her squirming under him. "Too much?" Bobby asked as he released one breast before starting on the other.

"Oh...God no...not enough."

Bobby glared up at her and caught the teasing smile that played on her swollen lips. As he attacked her other breast, he teased a hand down to the waistband of her pants. He rubbed a thumb in slow circles over her hip at the same time he circled her nipple with his tongue.

"Bobby," she groaned in frustration. "Stop teasing."

He smiled up at her as he slipped his hand lower, over a patch of curls, and parted his fingers to run in-between and around the folds that were already wet with want. Whatever Alex was going to say next was lost in a strangled groan that escaped her throat.

Kissing his way up her chest, stopping for a moment to torment a spot on her neck that made her buck into his hand, Bobby recaptured her swollen red lips and slipped his tongue back home in her mouth as two fingers slipped into her. He swallowed the scream of his name as he prepared her, knowing it had probably been a long time since she had sex.

The sudden need to want to taste her overwhelmed him as he abruptly pulled away from her. He used the hand he'd been caressing her breast with to unfasten her jeans and pull them down, taking her panties along with them.

As soon as he removed his fingers he replaced the empty void with his tongue, drinking in the juices that she gave to him. Letting his tongue find a new home in the depths of her, he breathed her scent in deeply; he was mesmerized by the sweet intoxication of her and how it made him even harder.

"Want you," Alex's voice was rushed through panting moans. "...now, Bobby, please," she pleaded with him with a silky rumble that stirred the excitement in his tightening stomach.

Removing his tongue, he breathed in the sweetness of her depths one last time. As he worked on unbuttoning his own jeans, he kissed over the bundle of nerves that sent her squirming and gripping the sheets in clenching fists.

"Bobby," she yelled as he sucked hard at the nerves before flicking his tongue gently over it. "Jesus...please...plea--" Her voice broke in a strangled sob as he eased up over her and filled her completely in one swift motion.

Bobby felt his chest tighten as his breath nearly choked him. She welcomed him completely, surrounding him with her wet warm walls with so much pleasure he lost all sense of self. He was in her, one with her, and she was all he felt.

He could live in her for the rest of his life if she let him. In all the times he had been with a woman, he never felt more at home than he did with her. She felt safe and wanting, welcoming and familiar. "Alex," he finally groaned as he got his voice back. "You feel so good...so wonderful."

Gripping her quivering thigh and pulling her leg around his waist, he thrust slowly in her, watching her straighten tall under him as he filled her again, and again. She had yet to open her eyes, lost in the sensations that were threatening to explode at any moment.

"Alex, honey, look at me," Bobby pleaded as he stared down at her clenched eyelids. She slowly opened her eyes and he lost himself in the nearly black storming orbs. "You're...beautiful; absolutely amazing."

He then sank his hot tongue back into her panting-parted mouth as he they found a steady rhythm, trying to make it last when they both wanted nothing more than to give into the ecstasy of release. In the minutes that followed, he couldn't hear anything except his pulse pounding in his ears and their breathing as they quickened their pace. Alex's moans and pleas filled his ears, begging him to take her harder, faster.

He obeyed; he would give her anything she wanted. Driving harder, faster, and deeper into her, Bobby felt the painful tightening deep within him as Alex's body convulsed up into him. With nails digging into his flesh, she choked back a scream before his name spilled from her trembling lips.

Taking one last deep thrust into her body, Bobby emptied himself as a soft cry of pleasure escaped his clenched throat. As Alex's body shuddered under him, his body stilled and shook as her walls clenched, holding him captive within her; he hoped she would near let him go. "Oh...Alex," he breathed out against her sweaty neck. There was more he wanted to say but he couldn't get his mouth to work except to kiss that warm neck.

He never felt so satisfied as he did right then. It was an amazing feeling of complete happiness, and Alex was the reason for it. "Alex, honey," he whispered against her skin, letting his warm breath make her shiver.

As his kissing lips found their way around her neck and up to her lips, Alex wrapped her arms tight around him. "Stay?" she asked him.

Bobby felt his heart threaten to burst at that. He had no intention of moving. No intention of separating them any time soon. "I'll stay as long as you want me." Even though he was spent, he was still full inside her and she was still open to him.

Hands traced soothing patterns up his lax, sweaty back and into his hair, easing him to relaxation.

"Thank you," Alex whispered into the room. "That was...worth the wait."

Bobby shifted his body until he was able to rest his chin on her chest. If he thought Alex was stunning before, lost in the realms of pleasure and ecstasy, then she was a breath-taking Goddess just then. She was completely at ease, sweat glistened her face with an angelic glow with her hair a mess over the pillow under her, and her eyes were so soft, full of love and happiness...It broke his heart.

She broke his heart.

"The wait?" Bobby had assumed that she hadn't been with another man since her husband.

Alex smiled warmly at him. "Been two years, not since..."

Bobby bent his head down and kissed her chest, right over her heart. "I should be thanking you." He looked up at her as he rested his head back down on her chest, feeling her breathing slow and her pulse return to a steady beat. "You're an amazing woman, Alex, I feel privileged."

Alex studied him for a couple of long moments. He took that opportunity to close his eyes and take every sensation in; the feel of her smooth skin meshing with his, the feel of her fingertips as they continued to map his back and caress through his hair, the taste of her that lingered on his tongue and lips, and the distinct smell of her and him mixing with the musky scent of sex.

He buried his face into her chest, between her two swollen breasts, and breathed in deeply. He never wanted to forget what they smelt like together. Her chest rumbled under him as she chuckled softly. Peering up at her, he questioned her with his eyes.

Alex was still chuckling as she pulled him up to her. "I've never had anyone sniff me before, ever."

"That good, or horribly bad?"

Alex tilted her head up and kissed him before saying, "I don't know; what do I smell like?"

Bobby stared down into her light brown eyes and tried to voice what her smell did to him. Yeah, he was obsessed with smells, with scents; she was the best thing he ever had the privilege of breathing in. He was weird in that sense, but he didn't care. When his mind kept going back to one word, he took a deep breath and seriously said, "Hallelujah." Then he leaned down and kissed her lightly on the lips.

Alex grinned into his lips as she said, "Then I'll say that it's a very good thing."

Bobby smiled at that revelation before they spent the next long minutes lazily kissing each other. So far, that day was perfect. She was perfect, and he felt perfect with her.

And that was how he knew that it would end. He didn't just mean it'd end when they would eventually have to get up, get cleaned up and dressed, and then go to work. It would end for good. If not sooner than later, after the job was done. They wouldn't last and that was why he made himself memorize everything now. He burned that morning into his thoughts: her voice, her touch, her kisses and the taste of her tongue, the taste of her juices and of her skin, and her smell.

He never wanted to forget Alex, the only woman who had ever made him this happy. Who made him forget failed past relationships and made him believe that maybe he could be satisfied with her for the rest of his life. In the few days they'd known each other, she made him believe that love was possible.

That he could love one woman in this life and even beyond death.

All that scared him, made him tremble as Alex rubbed over the back of his neck and down his back. It was wrong to have these thoughts of their goodbye while they were still buried in each other.

Pulling away, Bobby waited until she opened her eyes before asking the question that he'd been struggling with. "I gotta ask...and I want you to be honest."

Alex's hands stilled for a moment before she nodded and started to trace fingers over his tightening muscles.

Bobby kissed her again before staring back down at her. "This...what's going on between us; what is it?"

Alex shifted under him as she stared into his eyes. There was a war raging there, probably the same that was going on in his head.

"No matter what you say, I'm right here. I won't...I'll never leave you if-if you don't want me to." He was honest with her, like he would always be. Bobby never wanted to lie to her, to betray the trust they'd built between them. He wanted to be with her, no matter how.

Alex finally nodded before she took a breath. "I...I don't want anything serious right now. And, I value our friendship, Bobby. I don't want to lose that."

Bobby knew that was coming, and even though it hurt, it was the best thing he could've hoped for. It was for the best, in the long run. "Me too. Then, we're still friends. And this...it's, what it is and..."

Alex wrapped her arms around him and pulled him down to her. "It was amazing, wonderful, and I'll never forget it, or want to."

Bobby closed his eyes as he felt the trembling emotion that filled her as she spoke those words. It was the same emotions he felt that made him tremble under her touch. They both wanted more but knew it wasn't possible. "Neither do I." After taking a second to debate over the next words that wanted to spill from his mouth, he spoke into her neck, "Love you, Alex."

Her hands stilled and Bobby suddenly wished she hadn't heard him but maybe glass breaking or something. What a thing to wish for after you tell someone that you loved them: a burglary. Alex urged him to move over onto his side; they settled on their sides, facing each other.

She stared up into his eyes until she was satisfied with what she saw. "Love you too, Bobby," she simply told him.

Those words soared in him; Bobby leaned down and kissed her on her forehead before wrapping his arms around her body, holding her close. She pulled the blankets up and covered them with it before easing into him.

It wasn't long before they both drifted into a peaceful sleep.

TBC...


	12. Ch11: Coffee and Cigarettes

**A/N: **Hey, sorry for the delay in updating; real life is starting to take up a whole lot of my time. Anyway, thank you to everyone for their reviews and for continuing to read!!

Enjoy!

* * *

The sunlight was streaming into the room, right into his eyes. He had tried to block it out by an arm over his head but if he moved his arm he would no longer be holding Alex. So, his arm stayed wrapped around the warm woman that was snuggled into his chest and sleeping soundly.

Bobby then tried to bury his head in the pillow only for him to have no pillow to use. Alex was sleeping on the other pillow that served to block out the afternoon light. He sighed heavily and finally opened his eyes only to shut them again at the assault from the sun.

_Okay, something has to give. _

Turning to look at the clock on the nightstand he realized that what had to give was him getting up. He was late. Bobby debated whether to wake Alex up or not, she was sleeping peacefully. It was hard to pull his eyes away from her as he watched her sleep. She was so soft, warm, and tiny.

She was adorable and looked wonderful pressed against him. There were no signs of worry in her; no indication that she wasn't comfortable sleeping next to him, or on him like she kind-of was right then. She was completely at ease with being there. He felt a twitch down below and realized that he really needed to get up before he started something that he obviously couldn't finish seeing how Alex was still asleep.

He slowly removed his arm from around her waist and sat up; it took him a moment to consider staying there until he had willed the desire down in him or...Hell, he was going to take a shower anyway, might as well just wait and take care of his problem in there. The bed didn't move too much as he eased off it and went to the dresser. He pulled out a pair of boxers and carried them with him to the bathroom.

He turned on the water for the shower to let it get hot. The building he lived in was old and sometimes it took a while to get the water hot. If all went according to his plan, he'd only have to be there for another week at best.

It took him a little longer than usual in the shower as he thought of Alex in the next room, sprawled across his bed. He clenched his throat shut as he buried his head into his arm, shivering with an intense and slightly guilty pleasurable release. Once he was able to breathe right again, he finished cleaning himself up.

Before long he was padding across the bedroom floor in the boxers, picking up his clothes and hers as he went. Tossing his toward the corner and hers onto the bed, he stopped at the dresser and searched for something to wear. He had forgotten to do his laundry so he was down the bare minimum.

Settling on a pair of faded blue jeans, black tee-shirt, and a decent enough button-down flannel, he started getting dressed. He stood for a moment once he was fully clothed and watched Alex as she mumbled something into the pillow and pull the blanket up tighter. Then, she was still again, drifting in her sleep. Bobby went into the kitchen and started a pot of coffee. His refrigerator was nearly empty and he had hardly no food whatsoever.

Life of a cop and a bachelor, he figured.

That's it, he was taking Alex out to eat later. He filled two cups of coffee, prepared his with cream and hers with tons of sugar. _How can she drink it like that? _And headed back to the bedroom. He placed hers on the nightstand and took a hearty drink from his before setting it down next to hers.

He found his boots under the bed, not really knowing how that happened, and started finishing getting ready. It wasn't until he was tying his second boot that he heard a sleepy soft voice behind him.

"If we were at my apartment, I'd be worried."

Bobby stilled his hands; he tilted his head down and peered at Alex from around his left arm. She was sprawled across the bed with one arm tucked under the pillow while the other clung to the blanket. "Good thing we're not there." He returned to tying the laces on his boot, but kept his eyes on her.

She was watching him watching her and it brought a smile to his face. Alex sighed and groaned into the pillow. "Do we have to get up?"

Bobby chuckled as he dropped his foot to the floor and stood. "You don't have to yet; it's only three, uh..." he glanced at the clock before continuing, "three sixteen."

"Oh? Wher--"

Bobby bent down and silenced her with a deep kiss, letting their tongues easily mend together. He reluctantly pulled away after too short of a time. "I've got a--"

Alex pulled him back down and kissed him again, burying her fingers in his hair as she tried to pull him completely back in the bed. He wanted nothing more than to obey her wishes and crawl back in bed with her, but he couldn't. He was already late as it was.

"Alex...honey," he chuckled as he tilted his head back so he could talk. "I've got a meeting, and I'm already late. I've really got to go." Bobby saw the passion and disappointment in her eyes; he groaned in frustration as he felt himself harden. He rested his head on her bare chest and sighed, "Why...oh, _why_ do you drive me crazy?" he grumblingly asked into her skin as he tried to will his member down.

He felt Alex laugh under him as she wrapped her arms around him; she held him to her until he was able to stand up again without being completely embarrassing. "You really have to go?"

Bobby's smile was tight and apologetic as he looked into her sleepy eyes. "Yeah; I'm not sure how long it'll take. I'll be back as soon as I can. I, uh..." he gestured to the nightstand. "I-I made coffee. That's yours," he pointed to the one closest to the bed. "It tastes like I added a little bit of coffee to a full cup of sugar, just the way you like it."

Alex smiled as she continued to watch him. It looked like she was thinking something over before she nodded. "Okay." She glanced around the room, debating about something, when she started to ask, "Can I--"

Bobby cut her off when he produced a key in his left hand and handed it to her. "If you want to go home, get changed...or...um, whatever..." he trailed off with a light shrug.

Alex slowly took the key and eyed it before eyeing him.

"It's-it's an, uh...a-a key...for here. I had an extra one," he quickly explained. "It doesn't...I mean, it's...just a key." Bobby stood and grabbed the rest of his things that he needed. _Keys, wallet, watch...gun? _He had no gun. _Damn it! _He needed to get a hold of Fin before he went into work tonight.

Thinking about the club made him groan; Bobby rubbed a hand over his face and squeezed his eyes shut. It was going to take everything he had to walk into that place like he didn't know nothing about what was really going on behind the scenes.

"Hey, Bobby, you okay?"

He stared down at Alex's concerned face for a long moment. She was so beautiful and caring. Her concern for him was genuine; it warmed his heart. Bobby leaned down on the bed again and gave her a soft kiss on the lips. "Lock up when you leave. I'll call you when I'm done; maybe w-we, uh... we could get something to eat before we have to be at the club later?"

Alex nodded as she studied him as he talked; she was still watching him when he walked toward the door. "It'll be okay. We'll get them."

Bobby stopped at the door. He felt the urge to turn around, shut the door, and never leave his apartment again. He shifted in his stance as he let Alex's words drift into his mind and mix with all the other billion thoughts racing through it. His troubled thoughts couldn't think of anything to say so he nodded his head a little and headed down the hall.

* * *

Bobby glanced at his watch again. It was an hour passed the time that he had scheduled the meeting, but seeing how his bubby was running just as late, it didn't really matter. The waiter again asked if he wanted his cup refilled and he again muttered a simple, curt, "No."

His fingers were twitching with the need to grab the pack of cigarettes in his pocket--the same pack he'd thrown out of Alex's car window--as his left leg bounced up and down under the table. Taking a look around the coffee shop again, he watched as people came and went through the front doors; none of them being the man he was waiting for.

Not taking a chance at being seen by anyone, he had taken a table up on the upper loft where there were only four tables and two booths, and sat at the table near the back wall. Being perched above the main floor he could see everyone who entered through the front door, who was at the counter, and who was out on the sidewalk.

Bobby seriously doubted he would run into anyone he was working with there. It was a shop in Manhattan, near the federal buildings and courthouses. Only government employees and business men and women were seen there; no drug dealers in this part of the city unless they were on trial or something.

Just as he went to look at his watch again, his eyes caught sight of a familiar looking form. Bobby watched the man enter the shop, stop at the door, and look around. When their eyes met, the man smiled and held up a finger, indicating he'd be up in one minute. He watched his friend order a coffee at the counter and pointed up to his table. Several long seconds later, he got to his feet and offered his hand. "Steve, been a long time."

Steve Norton shook his hand and pulled him into a quick hug. "Too long, man. Look at you," he reached up and went to rub his chin; Bobby stepped back and pushed his hand away. "God, shave that off will you."

Bobby smiled and sat down from across his friend. "I will." He took a moment to study his old friend. Steve had aged, but not much. His hair was grayer than his even though he was a year younger than him. He wore a nice pressed black suit with a blue shirt and black tie. The blue shirt really made his blue eyes stand out. He leaned back in the chair and waited until the waiter who appeared at the table to leave.

Steve thanked the kid who looked to be about twelve and took a cautious sip of the coffee before he added a little more sugar to it. "So, you text messaged me. You need my help?"

Bobby nodded and waited a moment until Steve had his coffee just right and was now generously drinking it. "Yeah, uh..." he shifted in his seat, getting closer, and leaned on the table. His voice dropped as he eyed his friend. "You don't have to go into detail or anything, I just...I need to know if someone is working with you guys."

Steve took a slow drink from the cup as he studied him closely. "Like another Agent?"

Bobby shook his head. This was a hard thing to ask from his friend; if anyone found out he was giving out government information, he could be in serious trouble. "Like...a-a, uh, an informant."

Steve stilled with the cup inches from his lips. He slowly sat it down and took a deep breath, shaking his head. "Damn it, Bobby. When you said that you wanted to 'collect' on that favor this was not what I had in mind."

Bobby chuckled slightly but he was being serious. They both were. "All I need is a 'yes' or 'no'."

"No," Steve bluntly said as he shook his head. "Better yet, hell no." He leaned over the table, getting in a little to close for his comfort and whispered, "And before you start giving me that goody-goody buddy-buddy bullshit, let me remind you that the FBI is not something you can fuck with."

Bobby stared at the table before he glanced up at his friend. He knew he was going to regret doing this, but he had to know. He couldn't wait around any longer. "Brenda Vincennes."

Steve stared hard at him then slapped the table hard. He looked like he was about to bolt from the shop before he regained his control and sat back in the chair. His light blue eyes changed to a dark rage as he stared at him. "You're a bastard, you know that."

"I've been told that before, but that was by my dad, so," he shrugged.

Steve rubbed a hand over his face before picking the cup up and downing the coffee. He stared hard at him then suspicion filled his eyes. "Lift your shirt."

Bobby stared at his friend, completely confused. "What?"

"Lift your shirt," Steve ordered.

Bobby sat back in the chair, tilted his head, and studied his friend with a hard stare. He couldn't believe it.

"Bobby, I'll leave." Steve was serious as his face set in stone and eyes locked onto his.

Bobby shook his head in frustration and disgust, reaching for his shirt. He lifted it, exposing his bare chest, then dropped it. "Satisfied."

Steve didn't look the least bit sorry about not trusting him. He picked up his cup and looked around for a waiter.

"Just a 'yes' or 'no', Steve," Bobby nearly pleaded. "Or...a-a head nod or shake, I don't give a fuck how you do it but I have to know if she's informing you guys."

Steve stared into the empty cup as he seemed to debate that. He finally looked up at him and the anger was gone. "I would have never let you save my ass in Korea if I knew this was how I would have to repay that debt."

Bobby grinned and rested his head on his hand. "Then you wouldn't be such a prominent FBI Agent I could use to my advantage now. You'd be dead."

Steve shot him a glare and Bobby couldn't help but smile wider. "I saw him there."

"No, you didn't," he shot back. Bobby watched Steve until his shoulders slouched and he leaned over the table again.

"You do know that you have a file, right?"

Bobby stilled and searched Steve's eyes for any hint that he was kidding, he wasn't. "Uh...me, or..?"

"Donovan. We've been watching Vincennes for a while, nearly three years, and believe me we've tried to get Brenda to help in our investigation. She wouldn't."

Bobby nodded and encouraged Steve to continue with a look.

Steve shifted in his seat and glanced around. The loft was empty except for them. "When I saw the surveillance photos nearly a year ago, you could imagine my surprise to see my ex-Army buddy in the entourage."

"Have you told anyone 'bout me?"

"Only my boss, because he has to know. I told him you're NYPD, with Narcotics, likely undercover unless you went off the deep end."

Bobby sighed as he let out a deep breath. "And?"

Steve smirked. "And, I never thought our experience with ex-Artillery Officer Richard Donovan would serve to help your undercover work."

Bobby chuckled. Steve had been the other MP who'd tried to take down that crazy soldier way too many years ago. "I didn't completely use him...just his last name, and his love of fire," he muttered to himself a little sheepishly. "But, he was a good starting point."

Steve finally let himself laugh. It took him a moment to settle back and he was thinking about something for a long couple of minutes before he rubbed at his head. "Oh, fuck. God, Bobby, no, okay. She's not informing us. Wished she was, but no. So, you guys are free to go in anytime."

Bobby let that settle in him. He wasn't sure if he was relieved or terrified at that. Now it was up to him to take Mack and the others down.

Steve was still watching him and a look of concern filled his eyes. "What?" he asked.

He let his eyes fall to the table again while he let his mind run its course over the multitude of thoughts that seemed to crash together. Bobby suddenly asked, "Do you guys know?"

"What'd you mean? Know what?"

Bobby looked up at his friend before glancing down toward the main floor. He watched the people come and go as he said, "Is your investigation strictly drugs...or, uh..." he couldn't even begin to try and steady his voice as it slightly trembled. "D-do you know about the, uh...prostitution?" He couldn't look at his friend. Steve was married with two daughters, seventeen and twelve. There was a reason why Steve dealt with organized crime and not serial predators.

"Bobby..."

Bobby turned and looked at his friend. Steve had a hand covering his mouth and his eyes were sad, drawn, and knowing. "Shit," he breathed out.

Steve was trying to say something but finally gave up and closed his eyes.

Bobby watched him for a long moment before looking back down at the people. "We can get Brenda to cooperate." He dove into a much needed change of subject and focused on another idea he had. "I'm...you know, friends with her and from listening to her I think...I think she'll give us everything. Mack's got both state and federal charges that can go against him. I was thinking, uh...w-with her..." his hand waved in the air as he tried to get his mind to focus on one word or thought. "She wants to protect her family, but she...she has a son and she'd, uh, s-she'd want to protect him, keep him safe, and she would give Mack up to do it."

Steve nodded and finally grasped onto what he was trying to say, or ask. "You're thinking witness protection, for her and her son if they testify against Mack?"

Bobby nodded as he felt a relief at not only Steve coming to his verbal rescue but that he looked like he would agree. "She came to me the other night..." _No, it was only last night. Man, it seemed a whole lot longer._ "Uh, last night...She was worried and...scared. She hinted at something else going on; didn't want me involved."

"So," Steve leaned forward a little more and asked him not only with his words but with his eyes, "You had no idea?"

Bobby was shock still for a dumbfounded moment. "What? No! I only found out last night. Uh, Vice is working it, but they had no idea who was involved."

"We've know for four months."

Bobby sat back and clenched his jaw. Four months. He could have known about this four months ago? His hands clenched and he desperately wanted to give into the urge to smoke. Rubbing his face, he was able to ward off his need for a little while longer. "This is...so messed up."

Steve gave him a sympathetic smile before nodding. "Look, I've got to go. I'm still on the clock."

Bobby nodded and held out his hand. "Thanks, Steve. I...uh, I hope I didn't get you fired."

Steve shook his hand and smiled. "I think I'm secure for a while, unless this table is wired."

Bobby glanced at the table then back at Steve. "Now you've got me paranoid."

Steve chuckled as he stood. "How 'bout when you get back to being a regular Joe cop you give me a call. I miss our poker nights."

Bobby thought that over and nodded. "I'll call. Good luck."

"You too." And with that, Steve was heading down the steps and out the front door.

Bobby counted to fifty before he finally got up and left.

* * *

"Pick up, pick up, pick up...Fin, answer your fu--"

"Wazzup pimp?"

"--uck...ing," Bobby stammered to a halt as Fin answered.

"My fucking what?"

Bobby rubbed at his eyes and smiled. "Nothing, uh...When am I going to get my gun back? I've got to be a the club by eight and I can't go in unarmed."

Fin was silent for a moment. "Hang on," he said before he put him on hold.

Bobby leaned his head back against his headrest and stared at the hood of his car. He was parked in the abandoned parking lot where they met in Manhattan; where they had met last night which still seemed like weeks ago. Reaching into his jeans pocket, he pulled out the pack of cigarettes and pulled one out with his dry lips. He really shouldn't be smoking, but he was stressing bad.

After he lit the cigarette, he heard a 'click' on the phone before he heard Fin ask, "Where are you now?"

Bobby blew out the smoke before he could answer. "Where'd you think?"

"Alright, I'll be there in about thirty. IAB is still having a field day and you can't have _your_ gun back so I have to give you a replacement. Oh, and I'm supposed to tell you that you are being watched and if you do something like fire this weapon, even into the air, you'll be suspended."

Bobby rolled his eyes. "Tell Sanders that I promise not to piss him off today."

Fin started laughing. "Yeah, like that'll happen."

They said their good-byes and Bobby sat in his car and waited for Fin to show up. He continued to work on the cigarette as he stared out the windshield. The skyline of the city was before him, making him marvel at it yet again.

His eyes traveled over the tall buildings until they came to rest on the World Trade Center. The twin towers seemed to always make him sit and stare at them, making him smile. The Manhattan skyline was like no other. He loved the city.

The focus he had on the towers blurred as his thoughts drifted to Alex. He loved her too. And right then she was probably up and either at his place or at hers. Maybe she was showering? That was a dangerous thought to have as it stirred a fire in him. He sighed heavily and closed his eyes.

She seemed to really like him too; maybe she also loved him. Maybe this time it'd work out and he wouldn't have to be alone ever again.

Nah, that wouldn't happen. There were too many 'maybes' to think about.

What he knew for certain was that he loved being with her, she seemed to like being with him, and they fit together perfectly. The love they made that morning was the best he'd ever had with any woman, and he craved more of it from her; only her.

No one else ever.

"Do you ever not think?"

Bobby blinked back and looked out the driver side window. Fin was parked next to him, grinning from ear-to-ear. He took one last drag off the cigarette that was now at the butt before putting it out in the ashtray.

Fin held out the white bubble envelope that held his new gun to him.

Bobby took it and tossed it on the passenger seat. "Let Sanders know that Mrs. Vincennes isn't informing the Feds, and we're good to go at anytime. I'm thinking we should do it this Sunday. There's a meeting going down at the club, everyone will be there."

Fin listened to him and nodded. "Cool. I'll run it by him. He'll probably want to meet with you at the warehouse before then. Go over the game plan. Looks like crunch time is here. You ready to end this?"

Bobby just stared at Fin. That was a stupid question.

Fin shrugged. "Had to ask. Be safe and...Don't shoot anybody," he strictly told him with a smirk.

TBC...


	13. Ch12: A Day in the Life

**A/N: **Hey, sorry for the long wait, but I hope this chapter and the next one makes up for it. Thanks again to everyone who are leaving me reviews and to those who are still reading.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything associated with the television show 'Third Watch' or the characters of Officer Boscorelli and Officer Yokas. I'm just having fun with them in this chapter.

Enjoy!

* * *

The world exploded around him.

The parking lot echoed with a relentless 'pop-pop-pop' as glass shattered, spraying like rain around him. An ear-piercing scream that turned his veins cold filled the silence that suddenly followed. There was no time to think, no time to worry about his own safety or self as he sprung from his car and opened the door to the truck.

Fin was moaning and clutching his right shoulder with a bloody hand. Glass that was the passenger window littered the interior and covered his whole right side.

Through the passenger door Bobby saw him, a man running from the parking lot, gun in hand.

"Here, here," Fin was handing him his gun. "Go get 'em."

Bobby took the gun and was sprinting through the open lot and out onto the street as he heard Fin's voice behind him.

"I'll call for back-up!"

The streets were crowded with stunned faces regarding him with confusion and fear as Bobby pushed and shoved his way trying to get closer to the man running just as fast down the sidewalk. Car horns honked and blared as the man suddenly darted across the busy street.

A car nearly clipped him as he followed with the same abandoned fear. He could only think of one thing and see one person in his mind as he pounded pavement and prayed that he didn't lose sight of the man who had shot Fin. The man rounded a corner and he gritted his teeth as he hoped that he didn't just lose him.

The moment he rounded the corner, Bobby caught sight of the man turning down an alleyway, heading back toward the direction they had just came from. His feet slipped under him as he made a sharp right turn. Digging his hands into the gravel that tore at the palm of his hands, he pushed himself off the pavement and ran as fast as he could toward the back alley in hopes of cutting the man off.

Through the shadows and light that filled the back entrances to apartments and business, he caught sight of movement heading right toward him. Bringing Fin's gun up Bobby went to yell when the man collided with him, sending them both tumbling to the ground. The gun skidded across the ground and under a dumpster, out of his reach.

In the chaos of tangled legs and throwing fists, he was somehow able to pin the shooter on the ground. He caught a blow to the face before he drew back and pounded the man once in the temple. That was all it took, one pouch and the man was blinking back stars and groaning in pain.

Bobby stumbled to his feet and reached under the dumpster to retrieve the gun. His chest heaved as his veins rushed with adrenaline and fear; he stood over the man and aimed the gun at him. He didn't recognize the guy so he had no idea if he was after him or Fin. Pinning the guy to the ground with his knee, he searched for the gun and a wallet. Finding a wallet, he saw that the guy's name was Michael Culpepper. "Where's your gun?"

Michael rubbed a hand over his face as he stared up at him.

"Where's your gun?" He shouted as he gripped Michael by the shirt and pulled him up onto his feet. Bobby spun him around and threw him against a brick wall. "You tossed it. Where?"

"Fuck you."

He felt the anger in him pound through his veins as his hands clenched, one gripped the Michael's hair, yanking him back, while the other gripped the gun tighter. Bobby steered them down the alley as his eyes darted around. He remembered Michael having it when he rounded the corner and he couldn't say for sure if he had it when he darted down the alley. "I'll drag you around the whole place all day if I have too, pal. So do yourself a favor and show me where you tossed it."

Michael looked like he wasn't going to do it until Bobby pressed the gun against his head. He knew that he couldn't blow his cover, especially with Fin calling for backup. "Who were you after, huh? Me or him?"

"I was after that pig! I have no idea who you are, but you're probably a pig too."

Bobby shoved the guy further down the alley, keeping a hold of his head as he did so. This guy was seriously pissing him off. As his eyes darted around, he caught sight of something glinting in the light; it was the gun. "Found it," he mocked the guy as he threw him against the wall it was next to. "Stay or I'll put a bullet in your head."

Bobby retrieved his cell from his pocket and called Fin's cell. It was answered in two rings. "I got him."

"The Calvary's here."

Bobby took a deep breath and wanted to close his eyes but he couldn't take his eyes off the man that was becoming friends with the wall. "You okay?"

"My shoulder hurts. It'll be useless for 'bout a month. Other than that I'm fine."

Bobby could breathe easier at that. He didn't really know how bad it was; an injured shoulder was survivable. "What, uh…what do I do here?" He was conflicted; too many scenarios and thoughts running through his head.

"Get back here with him; either way, you're screwed right now."

Bobby swallowed hard and tried not to feel his world tumbling down. Sanders wasn't going to like this; not at all. "Alright." He flipped the phone shut as he stared Michael. All he could hope for now was that he got out of the alley without the guy taking off and him having to shoot him. "Let's go," he said as he picked the tossed gun up off the ground with one finger.

He didn't have to go very far. As soon as they stepped out of the alley they were surrounded.

"Drop the gun down!"

"Hands up!"

"Get down on the ground! Down! Down!"

Bobby obeyed every command. He was laying flat on the ground, hands up on his head, and hoping that he wasn't going to get his ass kicked as the cops descended on him. He felt cuffs pinch his skin before he was lifted off the ground. Michael's gun was taken along with Fin's before the uniform shoved him into the back of a patrol car; the officer wasn't the least bit sorry that he made him hit his head on the top of it as he did so.

_Asshole_. Bobby glared at the cop before looking over at Michael who was next to him.

Michael stared at him in confusion. "You're not a cop?"

Bobby sighed heavily and closed his eyes.

The officer that arrested him had a partner in the car, a female, and she was staring at them through the rearview mirror. It was unnerving; she was nearly just as tall as him and for a woman she was built just as big. The male officer who was driving was shorter than her and skinnier, but he could tell from his attitude and demeanor he was no one to mess with.

The drive back to the parking lot was a short one. He spotted his car still next to Fin's truck. His back windshield had a couple of bullet holes in it. Lewis was never going to give him another car ever again. Fin was in the back of the ambulance and once the patrol car stopped, he was out of it and telling something to the male officer.

"Get him out of there. He didn't do anything except chase down the guy who shot me."

Bobby watched as the female officer got out of the passenger seat and opened the door for him. He slowly got out, looking apprehensive like any guy in his position would. She turned him around and un-cuffed him.

"Hey, hey! What 'bout me?"

Fin stared hard at Michael through the window with recognition. Whoever the guy was, Fin knew him. "You shot me!"

Bobby rubbed at the ache in his wrist as he darted his eyes around, taking the scene in. He knew what he wanted to do but that wasn't an option. Right now he was undercover and had to preserve that.

The male officer was looking pissed as he glared at him. Bobby caught sight of his name tag: Officer Boscorelli. "So, what? We just let the guy go!"

Fin looked at him then back at the officer. "He didn't do anything. This punk here," he pointed to the guy still in the car, "Mike Culpepper is the guy that shot me."

_So, Fin did know the guy. Mike was probably an informant for him._ Bobby started to back away from the scene as he headed for his car. The sooner he got out of there the better.

"Who's this guy? He was with you?"

_Damn it. _Bobby stopped in his steps as Officer Boscorelli cut him off.

"He's no one," Fin called out.

The female officer was eyeing them both as she tried to get her partner to calm down. "Bosco, c'mon, leave it. The detective isn't pressing charges against him."

Officer 'Bosco' was still glaring at him. "No, this doesn't make sense. What were you doin' here?"

Bobby glanced over at Fin who gave him a reassuring nod. This was going to get real interesting real fast.

"He's…an informant," Fin suddenly announced. "They both are."

Bobby felt the frustration in him ignite. _Shit._ He knew where this was going to go. They would suspect him of conspiring with the other guy to kill Fin. Fin, unknowingly, just got him in a world of screwed over. He could feel the holding cell surrounding him already.

"That your car?" Officer Bosco asked as he gestured to his car.

Bobby just nodded. He didn't want to give the officer any more ammo to hit him with. He would remain quiet until he didn't have a choice.

Officer Bosco didn't look at his partner as he asked her, "Yokas, run the plates. See who this mute is."

Bobby swallowed hard and glared over at Fin. He saw the same realization in Fin's eyes as he was pulling out his cell; no doubt calling the captain.

There was too much commotion going on around him; the EMT's were telling Fin to get back in the bus because he needed to get to the hospital. The officers were surrounding their vehicles and taking pictures. The package with his new gun was being opened and observed, and then put into evidence.

It didn't take long before the female officer, Officer Yokas, was coming over to him. Her hand was resting on the butt of her gun as she watched him closely. "He's Robert Donovan. Thirty-eight years old with a very impressive rap sheet."

Bobby swallowed hard and rubbed at the back of his neck in frustration. The department had given Donovan a violent and extensive criminal record. This was bad and only going to get worse.

"I can't even remember half of it; he's a career criminal. I do remember the many counts of drug related crimes, multiple violent assaults and battery, and my favorite, attempted murder."

"_Attempted_, and that was thrown out." Bobby glared over at her. "Mitigating circumstances."

"We have a lawyer here?" Officer Bosco sarcastically asked.

Bobby shifted his hard stare to him but didn't say anything as his jaw clenched.

Officer Bosco stepped into his personal space. "No? Well, you're goin' to need one. You helped that piece of shit shoot that cop, didn't you? That's the way I see it. Two rats, one shot cop."

Bobby's hands clenched at the word 'rat' as he stepped closer to Bosco. He saw him reach for his gun and quickly backed off. "No, no…" he shook his head. "You're not going to pin this on me. Hey, Fin! Fin, man, come on. I didn't do anything." He knew Fin couldn't refute anything, but he had to play along.

Officer Bosco continued his verbal attack on him, "You know, rats like you make me sick. You get to go around selling drugs to kids and get away with it all because--"

"You need to shut the fuck up," Bobby finally snapped at the officer. "Get back to handing out parkin' tickets and leave me the hell alone. I caught the guy, didn't I?"

Officer Bosco got right up in his face. "Yeah, you ran after the guy, but how do we know you weren't involved; set the detective up. Who called the meeting? You or him?"

Bobby kept his mouth shut as he stared hard at the officer. He already knew that he was going to be arrested; he didn't have to say anything even if he was playing the role.

"You get to come back a hero, right?" Officer Bosco asked. "_Wrong_, turn around, you're under arrest."

"For what?" Bobby protested as he was spun around and thrown into his car.

"Conspiracy."

"You're the one throwing out theories!" Bobby continued to protest as the cuffs were once again locked around his wrists. He took a deep breath as he was hulled off to the patrol car yet again. "I want my lawyer," he said loud enough so Fin could hear him.

As Officer Yokas put him in the back of the police car, he heard Fin ask, "Where're you taking him?"

"The 5-5," Officer Bosco called out as he opened the driver door and slid in.

* * *

They were taking too long; their damn sweet time. Bobby sat on the hard bench and glared up at the ceiling as Officer Bosco booked him into the computer.

"Social security number?"

Bobby sighed heavily in frustration. They knew his social; he was already in the system. "You know my number."

Bosco looked over at him. "Humor me."

Bobby spotted movement in the doorway. There was a man standing just outside the door; it was his lawyer, John Richardson. John was taller than him, nearly six-seven with dark blond hair wearing a tailored Armani suit. He felt the urge to smile but repressed it as he looked back at Officer Bosco. _Well, he wanted to be humored._ "Knock, knock."

Bosco sighed and asked stubbornly, "Who's there?"

Bobby smirked at him as he said, "My lawyer."

John walked into the room just then and reaching a hand over to Officer Bosco who hurriedly got to his feet. "Officer, I'm John Richardson, Mr. Donovan's lawyer."

The captain of the 5-5 came in behind John and was watching the exchange. He didn't look too happy.

"Sir," began Officer Bosco. "I'm nearly--"

"You're not nearly anything," John told him. "You're done. My client is to be released immediately."

Bobby got to his feet and rested against the bars with his arms crossed on them. This was too good. John would get him out of there in no time.

"He's to wait for arraignment. His bail hasn't been posted yet. He's not going anywhere."

John glanced at the captain before glaring at Bosco; he was about to rip into the young officer. "I understand he was arrested for conspiring to commit murder, on a detective…Tell me, based on what evidence exactly did you make the decision to charge him with that offence?"

Officer Bosco looked momentarily stunned and speechless, then it was gone and his cocky attitude was back. "The circumstances--"

"Circumstances aren't a basis for arrest. Neither are theories. There is no evidence that my client did anything. I've already talked to Detective Tutuola, he's not entirely convinced that Mr. Donovan had anything to do with the shooting and there is no evidence to prove it. And based on the only fact in this case, that my client tracked down the shooter and apprehended him, I'm confused on why he is even here. If he wasn't an informant, if he didn't have a criminal record, you would have given him a medal."

Bobby wanted to smile, so he did. John was a great lawyer, one he had worked with many times through the Narcotics Department. He wanted to say something; some smartass thing a thug like him would say just then, but he was tired and he didn't want to piss Bosco off anymore than he already had. He watched as the captain pulled Officer Bosco off to the side, whispered something that made the officer grit his teeth, and then turned back to the lawyer.

"He'll be released as soon as we get that statement from Detective--"

John had already pulled out a couple pieces of paper and handed it the captain. "Detective Tutuola's sworn statement. I also have Michael Culpepper's statement which states that he has never seen or spoken to my client before until he was apprehended by him. Now, unlock that cell so we can leave."

Bobby stepped back away from the cell door as Officer Bosco made his way over to him. The glare he was given almost made him nervous; the officer really did hate it when the bad guys got away. Just like him. He tried not to look too smug as he followed in-step with John out of the room.

Before he got to the door, Officer Bosco stopped him. "This isn't over."

Bobby glared down at him, and keeping in character, grinned smugly at the guy. "What're you goin' to do, get me for unpaid parkin' tickets?"

John grabbed him by the shoulder and pulled him through the door. "C'mon Robert, I just got you out of jail. I don't want you thrown back in it."

It took a while longer as he had to wait around for the evidence clerk to give him his stuff. _Wallet, cell phone, keys, cigarettes, lighter_…"Where's my gun?" Bobby asked the woman behind the glass.

"The Narcotics detectives took that. You'll have to go to the--"

Bobby waved her off as he signed the form and headed out the door. His gun was right back at the department. Sanders was probably not going to give it back neither. Once out onto the street, he was able to take a deep breath. "It really does smell like freedom."

John smirked and showed him to the car. "So, what's the deal with you and Officer Boscorelli?"

"Nothing," Bobby absently explained as he checked his phone. He missed three calls from Alex and his phone was one battery bar away from being dead. "He's a good cop. If I were him, I would've arrested me too."

John chuckled as he gave him a long side-ways glance. "Sanders isn't a happy guy right now, y'know it? I did this as a favor to you; he was going to keep you in there and let you figure out how to post bail."

"How's Fin?" Bobby could care less about his captain and his intentions.

John clicked the button to unlock the car doors as he answered, "Doin' good. He'll be wearing a sling for a while. Oh…"

Bobby stopped with his hand on the door-handle.

"Sanders want to see you tonight. I'm to drop you off at the corner of East 141st Street and Canal and then never speak of it again. His orders."

Bobby groaned and whipped the door open harder than he intended. "Let me get my car out of jail first and then we'll go."

John sighed as he got in the car and started it. "Bobby, I don't know. Sanders told me to take you straight there; he'll be waiting."

Bobby slid into the seat and turned to face the lawyer. "C'mon, John, a favor for a favor." He stared hard at his friend. "It's my funeral anyway, right?"

John looked at him then the hand and sighed heavily. "Whatever you say, Goren."

* * *

A half-hour later, because that was how long it took Lewis to fax over the title to the car, Bobby was staring at the bullet holes in his back windows. He let out a deep, frustrated sigh. _Lewis is going to kill me._

John couldn't take his eyes off the car as he shook his head. "You built that? What a waste."

Bobby just glanced at John as he rubbed his head. He was getting a serious headache and the cold air blowing at him wasn't helping matters. It was getting dark and he had to be at work in a few hours. This day had not turned out the way he had planned. He should be with Alex right now, not staring at his shot-up car. "What's taking the tow truck so long to get here?"

"Traffic, maybe." John glanced at his watch and sighed heavily. "You're almost an hour late already. I guess another thirty minutes won't hurt."

Bobby opened the driver's door and searched around, making sure there was nothing in the car he didn't want Lewis to find. Even though Lewis now knew he was undercover, since he had to fax over the title to the car and the name on it wasn't his own, Bobby still had to make sure that Lewis couldn't accidentally come across any information about what he was doing. Lewis had never pried because for him ignorance was bliss, and there was no one Bobby trusted more. The car was clean; there was nothing in there that could cause trouble.

And with any luck this would be his last week undercover. He was ready to for a change and he hoped it was for the better. Giving it some thought, he knew anything would be better than the ever crazy and chaotic world of Narcotics.

Bobby shut the door before pushing himself up on the hood; he scooted back until his legs were swinging off the side. Pulling out his pack of cigarettes he offered one to John who took it. "Are you still with…uh, what's her name? Becky?" he asked once he got both their cigarettes lit.

John shook his head as he leaned back against the car, resting on his left elbow. "No, she got tired of me never being around, canceling dates. The usual."

Bobby nodded a little in agreement. "That seems to be our downfall. Well, one of many."

John eyed him for a moment. "You got someone?"

Bobby paused as he thought about that. He wasn't quite sure what he had with Alex. It wasn't exactly a relationship. They hadn't really dated or anything. "Uh, I don't…I'm, uh…It's complicated," he finally settled on that and hoped it would be the end of the discussion.

John didn't seem to get the hint. "Complicated because she hasn't seen you in a year or complicated because she's…you know, associated with unsavory people?"

Bobby jerked his head up and stared at the man. "What? No. She's not a criminal or…anything; she's…What kind of…"

John held up his hands in mock surrender. "Calm down; shit, Bobby. I was just trying to make conversation."

"That's fine, but can we talk about something else please." Bobby rubbed at his head and tried to take his mind off the images of Alex that suddenly invaded his thoughts.

He wondered what she'd been doing today. Whatever it was he knew it wasn't as exciting as his day. _Damn it._ He had wanted to take her out; get something to eat, maybe go for a walk, do some talking, and then hopefully they would've ended back at one of their apartments before they had to go into work.

Once he got his car towed and ass chewed out by his Captain, he would have to go straight home, change, and then go to work. Alex was probably freaking out and furious with him right now.

"What else is there to talk about?"

Bobby glanced at John before he turned his attention back to the street. He watched as a bus came to a stop at the corner, letting people on and off. "You need a life if you can't think of anything else to talk about than my complicated relationship. Hey, I know, why don't we talk about how your boss pisses you off?"

"My boss doesn't piss me off. _You_ piss me off."

Bobby groaned in frustration. He realized that John was a hell of a lot more fun to talk to when they were both drunk. "Wanna get a drink? I think I might need a little help from my friend Glenlivet before I face off with Sanders again."

John was silent for a moment, not answering him, and then he suddenly said, "Okay."

He spotted a tow truck turn the corner and head their way; the door had 'Lewis's Body Shop' printed on the side. Bobby slid off the hood of the car and turned toward John. "There are a few bars close to where I'm to be dropped off. I can just walk from there and you can remain oblivious."

"Sounds good. The less I know the better. I am your lawyer after all."

* * *

"Think this is a good idea, Bobby?"

"No." Bobby slid onto a bar stool and leaned over it as he talked to the bartender. "A glass of Glenlivet, double…and, uh…What're you having?"

John thought it over before asking for a bottle of Miller Lite. "I'm still on the clock," he explained off-handedly as he folded his overcoat over the empty stool next to him.

Bobby dug into his leather jacket and tossed his pack of cigarettes on the counter along with his Zippo lighter. He was supposed to be quitting, again. Hadn't he already had this debate with himself today? Taking his mind off it, he looked over the small dark room as he lit another one up. It was decent enough; only a handful off tables against the side wall. The back of the place was the kitchen, office, and restrooms. There was one TV, one jukebox, two dart boards, and an arcade bowling game all in the front of the bar by the door.

"So, why the drink? Sanders can't be the only cause for this abandonment of responsibility and rationale."

Bobby felt the ache in his head expand as it started throbbing around his temples. "Well, let us review my day. Earlier, I extracted information from a buddy of mine that could get him fired. Then Fin got shot and I can't visit him. I got arrested for conspiring to kill him. And to top it off, I had spent the better half of my day in jail. Oh, and I lost my car, _again_. But you know what the worst part of it was?"

"I'm guessing it's not the meeting with Sanders since you're using past tense."

Bobby had to smirk at that. "The worst part was that for all of this bullshit to have happened, I had to leave a beautiful and willing woman alone in my bed."

John nearly choked on his drink. He stared over at him as he began to laugh softly. "For the first time since knowing you, I get to call you stupid. How…Why? Just, please tell me why you would do such a stupid thing like that?"

"Because I _was_ being responsible and rational, trying to keep my job by doing my job. And look at where it got me." Bobby mumbled that into his glass before he downed the rest of it in one go. He caught the bartender's attention and indicated he wanted another. "One more, then I'll go," he told John as he rubbed at his forehead. The ache was finally starting to go away.

John was silent for a long time as he watched the glass of scotch being placed down in front of him. After Bobby took a couple of sips off it, he suddenly announced, "I heard you're trying to transfer out. Where're you thinking about going?"

Bobby felt the muscles in his back and neck tighten as his right hand fisted. How did John know that? _Were people talking about me again?_

"C'mon, Bobby, I know you've been considering this for a while. Where're you thinking about going?"

Bobby took a long pull off the drink, savoring the taste and letting it sooth his tensing muscles. Finally, once he got his nerves under control and his fingers no longer clenched, he told him, "If they'll have me, Major Case."

"No shit? Deakins department?"

Bobby looked over at John and felt a tug of a smile pull at his lips. "You met him?"

John nodded and took a sip off the beer before continuing, "Briefly at a conference a while ago. From what I could tell, he's a great guy. ADA Ron Carver, he works with the Major Case guys, and he highly respects him. They're a good group. They'll be lucky to have you."

"I hope so," Bobby muttered. The way his last month was going with Narcotics, he would be lucky to get transferred at all. "My first sting operation was a joint task force with Major Case. It was my rookie year with Narcotics, and honestly, I was scared to death. The morning of the raid, I had a talk with Captain Deakins, y'know, just one last chance to make sure everyone knew what was going to happen before it happened. I remember thinking, this guy is a leader. He's someone I can respect and work under and know that I'm being appreciated. Deakins...he's one of the good guys. Completely loyal to his guys; you prove yourself to him and he'll have your back…I want that."

"I thought you disrespected all authority figures."

Bobby gave John a once over before explaining, "I tend to, uh…to _challenge_ them, but…I respect those who respect me. I only disrespect those who warrant it."

"So, do I warrant it? I mean, I stopped counting the number of times you've butted into my fucking head."

Bobby smirked and put his cigarette out in the ashtray before he finished off this second and last drink. "I respect you. It's just…" he shrugged as he slid off the stool. "You're just fun to mess with. I like to see how far I can push you until you give."

John glared at him. "I hope Sanders transfers your ass tomorrow. I need the rest."

Bobby would have taken offense to that if John hadn't been smiling when he said it. "Alright, I'm off."

"I can wait around here until the meeting is done. We can have a few more, talk."

Bobby shook his head as he pulled out a few bills and tossed them on the counter. "I've got…responsibilities and I thought you're still on the clock."

John shrugged a little. "I can call my office and tell them I'm done for the day. It's nearly seven."

"And I have to be at work by at least nine." Bobby smiled at his friend and patted him on the shoulder. "Thanks, but some other time. I'll take the bus or grab a cab." _Or call Alex._ "Don't worry about it. Be careful, you're not in Manhattan anymore."

John huffed out a laugh and downed the rest of his beer. "Don't I know it? Hey, uh, good luck," he called out to him.

Bobby opened the door and stepped out onto the street. The door closed behind him, blocking all the bar noises out of his head. He started west before heading north, toward the industrial area.

TBC…


	14. Ch13: Feeling the Heat

**A/N: **Thanks again to everyone who are leaving me reviews and to those who are still reading!!

**This chapter is Rated M**

Enjoy!

* * *

The bus was hot and stuffy despite it being cold outside. Staring out onto the darken streets that passed by, he couldn't get the meeting he had with Sanders out of his head. It wasn't good, but it wasn't as bad as he thought it would be neither. The alcohol helped in keeping his head from throbbing.

Turning his head to look up at the top of the bus, Bobby felt his cell phone vibrate in his pocket. It was only halfway charged but it was at least usable. Checking the ID he saw that it wasn't Alex but his mother. "Hi, mom."

"Don't 'hi' me, why didn't you call?"

Bobby closed his eyes and tried to focus on what to say. "I've been busy, and it's late, I didn't want to wake you."

"Like I could sleep without hearing from you. You know how I worry." She was silent a moment before she asked, "Well, did you want me to stay up all night and worry?"

"Of course not, ma. I should have considered--"

She let out an exasperated sigh. "That's just like you, not thinking of anyone but yourself."

Bobby stared hard at the seat in front of him as he listened to her verbal abuse. She always got like that late at night when she was tired. It didn't matter who you were, except if you were Frank, you got laid into by her frustration and fatigue. "Sorry, you're right. I wasn't thinking. What did you do today?"

"Besides worry about you? Me and Eleanor had a long chat; Eleanor's my—Did you know that she's bipolar?"

"I know; what did you read today?"

Frances was quiet for a long moment and Bobby thought maybe she zoned out on him. It wouldn't have been the first time.

"Ma?"

"I'm thinking. I think I read…oh, I don't remember. It started to rain earlier, a light gleaming, and then I talked with Eleanor about Frank; I told her about him being a scientist. Did you know her son works for the NSA?"

The sudden rambling and usage of the word 'gleaming' instead of 'sprinkle' weren't lost on him. His mother's thoughts were starting to slip. It was late, she was tired, and he did stress her out by not calling. Bobby shook his head into the phone as he told her, "No, I didn't know that. Uh, have you seen Frank? Has he called?"

"Why would he? He's busy with important work. When he gets time he'll call or drop by. Am I still seeing you Sunday or are you going to forget like you forgot to call me?"

Bobby felt his throat tighten as his lips pursed in anger and sadness. He bit his bottom lip as he closed his eyes. Swallowing hard he said, "No, I'll be there Sunday. Mom, listen, I'm on the bus and I'm about to get off, okay? I have to go."

"The bus? Why are you on the bus? Bobby?"

"Ma, I have to go," Bobby told her again.

"Fine," she nearly barked out before she hung up the phone.

Bobby stared at his cell briefly before pocketing it. His mother never ended with the usual good-bye or a 'love you'; she always just hung up, end of discussion. As he felt the bus come to a stop and he got up, he couldn't remember the last time he told him mother that he loved her.

His headache was coming back with a vengeance as he stepped off the bus and glared across the street. The sidewalk outside the club was crowded with a line going out the door. He spotted their new door bouncer, Dave, blocking the entrance to the club with his arms crossed over his chest.

As he approached, Dave recognized him and immediately stepped out of the way. "Bobby, how's it goin'?"

Bobby ignored the question as he slid pass Dave and into the club. The lights, the music, the people…everything attacked his senses at once and he felt his stomach twist as his head exploded with pain.

He went immediately to the stairs, avoiding the bar area, and made his way to Mack's office. Even though it still made him mad, he was actually grateful he didn't have a gun anymore; he wouldn't be tempted to use it. Rasping a quick knock on the door, he eased it open and walked in.

Mack was sitting on the edge of the desk and right in front of him was Tony Ramirez. Bobby nodded slightly to Mack before he stood off to the side of the room. He faced the wall as he brought a hand up to rub at his eyes. He had to relax before he did something that he would regret. There was movement behind him and he glanced around just in time to see Mack hand over a bag to Tony before showing him out.

The door closed and Mack faced him, arms crossed over his chest. "Where the hell have you been? It's after ten!"

Bobby couldn't trust himself not to say or do something rash, so he walked over to the far table and poured himself a glass of water. Just a couple more days, he told himself. It was a certainty now. After Sunday he was no longer going to be undercover, and then after that…Well, Sanders hadn't been too specific about the after part; all he knew was that a suspension was in there somewhere. He downed the water and tried to get himself to be stoic. It wasn't working, he was furious.

He was furious with his captain, he was furious with Mack and Rick and everyone else in that fucking club, but most of all he was furious with himself. How did he screw up things so badly?

_Sanders wasn't going to give in; he wasn't interested in anyone but his own damn self._

"_I can't go in there tonight. I-I…" Bobby took a deep breath and ran a hand over his face, trying to calm down. "Not know, not after last night. What they're doing…I can't, especially unarmed. What if…what if they saw me? I don't know."_

"_Goren, I don't care about that, and neither should you. That's Vice's problem now. Not yours."_

_Bobby glared hard at his boss. "Not my problem! Are you even listening to me? This isn't just about some drug bust now. If we take them down Sunday, and Vice isn't ready to go with taking down that house…We'll lose those kids, Captain."_

_Sanders didn't look like he cared, and that turned Bobby's stomach. "We? There is no 'we', Goren."_

"_There should be. We, uh, we need to take them down simultaneously. It's the only way. If word gets back that the club was raided--"_

_Sanders stepped into him and cut him off, "You better watch it, Goren. You're digging yourself in deeper. I will not stand for one of my detectives to berate me, understood?"_

_Bobby's jaw clenched tight as he paced back-and-forth in front of Sanders._

"_You're taking too long with this operation, Goren. The brass is beating down on us and they want this to end as quickly as possible. If Vice isn't ready to go by Sunday then that's not our problem. I need those guys taken down, now. Is that understood?"_

_Bobby stepped away from the man before he hit him. His pulse was pounding in his ears and his hands were tight balls at his sides._

"_Goren?!"_

"Bob?"

Bobby released his grip on the glass before it shattered in his hand. A hand went to the back of his head and rubbed at it in nervous habit before turning around; he leaned back against the table and eyed Mack. In his mind he actually felt a wall being thrown up as his emotions eased into nothing. "I've been…having car trouble, but its fine. I'm fine. I think the damn thing is jinxed or something." He pulled out a receipt he had gotten from the tow truck driver as he walked over to Mack.

Mack took it and looked it over before handing it back to him. "So, you've been in Long Island City all day?"

Bobby nodded. "I lost track of time. It won't happen again."

Mack didn't look like he believed him, but he let it go after a moment. "Next time, call, would you?"

Bobby softly nodded as he stuffed the paper back into his jacket. "How're things here?"

"The same. You know about the meeting Sunday right?"

Of course he knew. Sunday was his judgment day. "Yeah, I'll be here, bright and early." Bobby headed for the door and pulled it open. He looked down at the floor that was packed with people and felt nothing.

"Need a ride or anything? Talk to Rick again about giving you a ride."

Bobby shook his head before closing the door behind him. He debated about whether seeing Alex right then or waiting. He could venture around the floor and make sure everything was going smooth, waste time. As he slowly descended the stairs, he swore he could feel her eyes on him.

He glanced over that direction once he got down to the floor and sure enough Alex was watching him. Bobby quickly looked away and headed across the floor to a table close to the stage that Rick was at. The last person he wanted to be around was Rick, but he had to do his job. As he stepped next to the man, he didn't feel a thing as he began talking to him. "What's goin' on here?"

Rick turned to him and smiled. "These guys are refusing to pay for their drinks."

"Your waitress took too long," a man shouted from his seat.

"How long," Bobby asked as he looked over at the waitress, Shelia, who was standing off to the side of Rick.

"Twenty minutes."

Bobby eyed Shelia. "That true; did it take you twenty minutes to get them their drinks?"

"Bobby, come on, look around, this place is packed. It took a while."

"You only have five tables." Bobby looked her over and noticed a few tell-tell signs that she hadn't been waiting tables for the last twenty minutes. He looked at Rick and watched as he nearly turned red and looked away. Disgust shot them him but it quickly faded into nothing as he turned back to the table. "This round's on the house, but you have to pay for the next. Rick, Shelia, follow me."

Rick was hesitant before he followed him; Shelia looked down right scared to death as she walked between them.

Bobby didn't head to the back rooms, there were microphones in there. He went straight for the back door and as soon as they were in the parking lot, he turned to Shelia. "You want to get fired?"

Shelia went a shade of white and shook her head.

"Then during working hours you will do your job and if another table complains about you, you're done. Got it?"

Shelia nodded as she stammered out, "Y-yes, got it." She quickly shot Rick a death glare before going back inside.

Bobby then turned to Rick and eyed him.

Rick was actually smiling as he held up his hands. "Cool it, Bobby. I was just having--"

Bobby suddenly grabbed him and pushed him back against the wall as his anger erupted. He'd never felt so infuriated with someone. The only man who ever came close to making him that furious was his father. "You listen to me, Ricky. I could have taken you upstairs to Mack's office or in the back room where he could hear us, but I didn't. I'm giving you a chance to straighten your ass up right now."

Rick was trying to shove him away from him. "Jesus, Bobby. What's your fucking problem? Alex couldn't--"

A fist collided with Rick's mouth, slamming his head back against the wall. Bobby pinned his head back using his forearm against Rick's neck. "You keep your filthy mouth shut about her unless you want to spend the next couple of weeks in the hospital."

Rick blinked back at him in stunned silence. "S-sorry, I…"

Bobby felt his whole body quake with pent up anger as he glared into Rick's eyes. He was starting to lose it. The wall was collapsing as his emotions slammed into him. His hands clenched and unclenched as he refused to let Rick go.

"Am I interrupting?"

That voice froze him to his bones. Bobby dropped his eyes to the ground before looking toward the door. Alex was just outside the door, watching him. He slowly released Rick and backed away with his arms out in front of him. "Get back to work," he ordered Rick as his jaw tightened even more, almost to the point of locking.

Rick hurried back into the club and once the door was closed Bobby closed his eyes and covered his face with his trembling wet hands.

"I was going to ask you what happened to you today, but I think I can formulate a guess."

Bobby huffed out a laugh. _If only she knew._ "Believe me, honey, whatever you're thinking it's nowhere close to being right." He finally looked at her and the urge to surrender himself over to her and have her hold him until his world felt right again nearly overwhelmed him.

Alex stepped closer to him and he immediately raised his hands again in front of him, telling her silently to back off. She looked uncertain, confused, and sad in one look. It broke his heart. "Walk with me."

"Alex, I…"

She walked by him, grabbed his shoulder, and pulled him around to follow her. They walked across the parking lot, away from the club, and into the dark shadows of the lot.

Alex wrapped her arms around herself as she leaned against the building. "So, what was that?"

Bobby took her in, noticing the goosebumps on her arms; he slid his jacket off and draped it over her shoulders. "I lost my temper."

Alex looked over his shoulder as she debated on what to say next. He could tell from the way her lips set tight and stern with her brows furrowing slightly in thought.

Bobby didn't move to stand next to her. He was feeling vulnerable and desperate for anything, and he couldn't afford to give into that need yet.

"Is it…Am I…?"

Bobby was confused at what she was trying to ask him before it clicked in his head. She thought it was her. "No," he quickly reassured her. "Alex, honey…" He stepped closer to her and wanted to pull her into a hug but he didn't trust himself if he did. "It has nothing to do with you, or…us." He tentatively reached out and touched her arm and giving her a reassuring smile. "Okay?"

Alex shifted her eyes to his and nodded softly. "Is it the job then?"

Bobby breathed out deeply and eyed the ground. "I think…I think I'm finally feeling my penance."

Alex was silent as she stared at him. She blinked back and looked away from him, across the parking lot, toward the street. "Oh. Do you want to talk about it?"

Bobby rubbed at his head and shifted nervously in his stance; the air was thickening as his heart grew heavy like a stone in his chest. Sanders didn't want him talking to anybody about the rest of the operation, or about what happened that day. The threat was one that he couldn't ignore, not this time. "I'm sorry, Alex, I can't."

He suddenly turned and headed back to the club. As he reached the door, he glanced back and saw that Alex was right behind him. Holding the door for her, he let her go in first before he followed behind her. She slipped his jacket off her shoulders and silently handed it to him before disappearing in the crowd.

They didn't speak to each other the rest of the night.

* * *

Bobby waited until the club was empty before walking over to where Alex was standing, pulling on her jacket. Since he had last spoken to her, she had put her hair back and the mascara that was around her eyes were smudged, like she had been keeping herself from crying. Or he could have been reading too much into the way she kept ducking her head every time he tried to make eye contact with her. She was driving him crazy. "I, uh…I need a ride."

Alex looked around the club, acting like she was making sure everything was done, before asking, "Where's your car?"

Bobby nervously glanced from her to the floor as he felt the embarrassment and frustration in him build. "It's a long story."

Alex finally locked eyes with him and Bobby knew that she had been crying at some point that evening. "Is that part of whatever it is you can't tell me?"

Bobby nodded as he tried to remain in control of his emotions. He had never blatantly kept things from her, and now that their relationship had changed it felt like he was downright lying to her and keeping secrets. It was an unnerving and troubling feeling. Sex really did change everything; no matter how much he tried to convince himself otherwise. "I would love nothing more than to tell you, Alex. It's just…I'm in a deep hole here and I can't talk about it."

Alex's stern position was slipping as she relaxed her shoulders and her brown eyes turned from apprehensiveness to understand then to sympathy. "I'm being an idiot aren't I?"

Bobby gave her a tight smile and shook his head. "No, you're concerned, and…worried. There's nothing idiotic about that." He stepped closer to her and finally took her into his arms; she was warm and soft and welcoming.

He had wanted to feel her all night but couldn't. Resting his head against hers he breathed her scent in. She smelled of those flowers: Jasmine and Lavender, and a hint of need that radiated from her skin. Dipping his head down, he kissed her warm neck, tasting the salty skin that was perfumed with that sweet smell of lust. "I'll make it up to you," he whispered against her ear.

Alex moved against him, pressing against the hardening bulge in his pants. "What do you have in mind?" She smiled seductively up at him.

Bobby smiled back as he bent down and covered her lips with his. She immediately parted her lips for his tongue to explore her mouth. Drawing a deep moan from her, he felt himself grow harder against her. He had to let her go, they couldn't have sex there. Releasing her mouth, he let his eyes take in her swollen lips and dark eyes. "How 'bout breakfast in bed; I'll cook."

"Cooking takes too long; let's pick something up on the way."

Bobby blinked back and closed his eyes as his pants grew even tighter. He took a deep breath before he could speak. "Um…yeah, okay, we can do that."

Once in her car, the idea of food was quickly forgotten as he teased her thigh with his fingers. Alex didn't even try to bat his wandering hand away as it moved further north before dipping down to caress her center through the fabric.

"Bobby…" Alex softly warned as her breathing quickened. "I want to make it there without an accident."

Bobby chuckled as he pressed kisses along her neck. He found a spot behind her ear that made her groan with pleasure. Taking his time, he sucked at her skin, letting his tongue caress over the spot; he marking her there. As he pulled back, he grazed his teeth over the sensitive skin causing Alex to jerk her head away before stopping the car. He looked up and noticed they were at her apartment.

Following her across the street, up the stairs, and to her door, Bobby never took his hands off her. He soothed them over her shoulders, down her arms, around her waist, over her ass and then to her neck as she stopped in front of the door to unlock it. Dropping his head down, he continued kissing over her neck, dipping his tongue down as far as her jacket collar would allow.

As soon as the door closed, Alex turned and pushed him back into it. "Didn't your parents teach you to keep your hands to yourself?"

Bobby grinned down at her teasing eyes as he answered, "No, actually, they didn't." His lips covered hers as his hands slid her jacket off her shoulders; after tossing it somewhere, his hands rubbed down her back and over her firm ass as he lifted her up against him.

Alex wrapped her legs around his waist and arms around his neck as he made his way toward her bedroom. He let his tongue fuck her mouth as she was busying herself with taking off his jacket, buttoned-down flannel and her silky blue tank-top. He had to stop his attack on her mouth as she slid it up over her body, exposing her breast to him.

Bobby took her in, burning the image of his Alex in that black laced bra into his mind. "Beautiful."

"Off, now" she yanked his shirt out of his jeans.

Bobby stopped walking when his knees hit the edge of her bed. "You asked for it," he said just before he let her drop to the bed.

Alex yelped as she bounced on the bed under him before laughing. "You could have sat me down."

"Where's the fun in that," Bobby asked as he pulled his shirt off, tossing it somewhere behind him.

Climbing over her small, petite body, Bobby reclaimed the warm mouth that had become his home. Pressing his body fully down on top of her, they both moaned and moved against each other, enjoying the friction they were generating. With every thrust of his tongue down her throat, he thrust against her.

"Mmmm," Alex moaned around him as she met his bucking hips. "Mm, mm…Bobby," she finally got out as he released her mouth. "Bobby, I want to feel you." Her hand grabbed him through his pants, making him hiss with pleasure.

Getting up onto his forearms, Bobby sucked, licked and kissed his way down her body. His tongue circled her naval before trailing after his fingertips down to her zipper. He could already smell her musk; she was wet and ready for him already. Pushing down a pair of black laced panties along with her jeans, Bobby licked at her hot center, tasting her juices.

"Unh," Alex grunted as she pushed against him. "Yes…Unh, yes…Bobby."

Hearing the husky pleasure in her voice urged him on. That was what he wanted to do to her. Love her and make her happy; he wanted her to feel the same joy and pleasure in herself that she sparked in him. Why some men didn't take the time to make their women feel like that was beyond him. It was intoxicating and it made him want her more than anyone else on earth. Just seeing her face in pure unashamed pleasure as her eyes bore a mixture of love, lust, and desire into him while he slid his tongue as deep as it would go into her and making her cry out as she came was the most amazingly erotic thing he had ever seen in his life.

Bobby drank all of her in, savory every precious drop she had given him. Alex's hands gripped him up by his hair, pulling him to her awaiting mouth. The feel of her tongue tasting herself from his mouth was too much.

Sitting back, he hurriedly got his jeans unbuttoned and yanked them off along with his boxers. To his surprise, Alex sat up and gripped him by the shoulders and turned him onto his back. She straddled him and came to a rest on top of his stomach.

Bobby could feel her pulsing wet center throb on his skin. Oh…my…God, he clenched his eyes shut as he kept himself from coming right then and there.

"Scoot back, sit up against the headboard."

Bobby didn't need to be told twice. He pushed himself back until he was resting with his back against the headboard to Alex's bed. She pinned him against the pillows that were tucked behind him, under him.

Alex kissed over his forehead, cheeks, across his jaw, and up to his ear. Her hot breath tickled his ear as she softly asked, "You want it?"

He wasn't ashamed of or above begging for it. And, God, how it wanted it; wanted her to be the one to give it to him. "Yes, please, Alex…honey…" Bobby stared lovingly into the stormy brown eyes. "Plea--" his voice broke as he felt her tight wetness move down on him, surrounding him in her hot walls. His eyes watched as she took nearly all of him in. He was big and long and, God…She was so small. "Ungh," he grunted out as he bucked up into her, trying to get deeper inside her hot walls. Once he was settled completely in her, he moaned. "Mmm, you feel so good, nice and tight. I hope this is what heaven feels like."

"Heaven?"

Bobby's smile was boyish and warm. Alex smiled back at him as she bent down to capture his mouth in a deep passionate kiss. Their tongues tangled and danced in each others warm mouths before Alex leaned back, moving against him.

"Oh, fu--" Bobby choked back as she pulled up before swallowing him down again. She was going to kill him.

He felt her hands roam over and up his chest before gripping his shoulders as she continued a steady god-awfully slow fuck up and down his member. Trailing his fingers over her sweaty neck, and down over her perfect breasts, he left his left hand to rub at her nipple as his right traveled down to her hip. He clenched her hip tight and urged her down as he bucked into her at the same time he leaned down and took a harden nipple into his mouth.

Alex cried out and jerked against him as he sucked then bit the tip as it slid from his mouth. Easing the pain away, he sucked, licked, and rubbed at her breast until it was swollen. Then he started on the other one. Switching hands, he clenched her right hip tight as he continued pushing into her harder each time she came down on him.

"Faster," Alex suddenly pleaded as her hands tightened on his shoulders.

Bobby released her swollen nipple and pulled her down into a lingering slow kiss. "Let me hear you. Ask me, beg me…Please, Alex. I need to hear you."

Alex groaned against his lips before begging him, "Faster, Bobby…please, I want…I want…"

Bobby sucked hard at the spot where her shoulder met her neck, igniting a soft moan from her lips. "You want what? Say it…Tell me what you want." He still found it funny that she had a hard time saying the words.

Alex grounded down hard into him and pulled up clenching so tight Bobby stopped breathing.

_Oh…fuck me!_ Bobby let his head fall back against the headboard as he cried out of his constricting throat. "Alex," he groaned as he almost came. "Just…oh…mmm, fu--" He was trying to breath as he came back down from the near brink of ecstasy. "Let me…tell me…C'mon, honey...I want to. I want to. Say it."

"Fuck me," Alex whispered into his ear as she slammed hard down into him. "Please, hard, fast…fuck me, Bobby."

Bobby growled as he wrapped his arms tightly around her; flipping her onto her back, he thrust hard up into her. He barely pulled out before he thrust again, and again; his hips pounded hers, driving her into the mattress and up toward the headboard. Nails drug into his back and he felt muscles tighten at the sensation; he was riding that edge, ready to come. He wanted to be so deep in her when he did, filling her completely.

Alex suddenly arched up into him; her walls collapsing around him as she her body broke out in spasms.

A hoarse, husky cry trembled from her lips and he saw tears stream from her eyes. Groaning back at the tight walls that convulsed around him, he kept thrusting, this time slower and deeper until she came again. Feeling her warm sweetness pulse and clenched around him the second time sent Bobby over that edge.

He buried himself in her one last time as he came. "Ungh!" he grunted out as he jerked into her, spilling himself in the depths of her body. His gasping slowed as he pulled out of her; moaning at the loss of her surrounding him, Bobby rolled onto his back and sucked air into his burning lungs. "Jesus, Alex…"

Looking over at her, he noticed that she was having just as much trouble breathing as he was. Turning onto his side, he pulled her into his arms and rested his head on her sweaty shoulder. One look at her slack satisfied face was enough to make him hard all over again. He adored that look. Wiping the hair that was sticky to her face away, he kissed her over her cheek, chin, forehead, and nose before lightly kissing her swollen lips. "You okay?"

Alex opened her eyes and stared up at him. "Oh, Bobby…that was…" she was still panting. "That was…"

"Uh…unbelievable?" Bobby asked, trying to help her out.

Alex pulled him down into a long, loving kiss before laying her head back down on the pillow. "Yeah," she took in a deep breath, "that."

Bobby shifted onto his back, staring up at the ceiling, and ran a hand through his sweaty hair and over his forehead; he was hot, sweaty, sticky…he felt wonderful.

"Still want breakfast?"

Bobby looked over at her. "Not really, do you?"

Alex curled up next to him. "No; it can wait until we get up later. Want to sleep?"

Bobby turned back to looking at the ceiling. "I think I want to lay here for a while, with you in my arms."

Alex moved against his side and draped her arm over his waist.

Bobby slipped his let arm around her shoulders and held her close. Her head rested against his chest, warming it. "Can I ask you a question?"

Alex peered up at him and smiled. "Sure."

Bobby blinked down at her before returning his attention back to the ceiling. "Have…uh, have you ever been scared that, that you're not the same person you used to be?"

Alex was quiet for a moment before she told him, "We all change. After Joe died, everything changed for me. I changed, and yeah, it scared me to realize that I wasn't the same woman that he had married."

"Uh, how so?" Bobby felt embarrassed that he had asked that; it really wasn't his business to know that. He didn't feel it was anyway.

"Honestly, the woman he married never would have slept with you, not without dating you for at least six months."

Bobby stared at the ceiling, not really knowing how to take that. He had to say something so he made light of that confession. "Six months? I would have been dying for it by then."

Alex laughed, causing his body to shake with her. "What're you scared of?"

Bobby knew she was going to get back to the reason he asked. "I don't know; it's just a feeling I have. I think, uh….Something happened or has been happening t-to, uh, to me for awhile and it finally…I think something finally gave. I'm…different, somehow. Things don't feel the same."

Alex didn't say anything, she just listened and waited.

Bobby felt the need to explain, even though Alex wouldn't know first-hand what he was talking about, it didn't matter. He had to voice his thoughts to someone, and Fin was in the hospital and he couldn't call his mentor. "Before, I, uh…I could sit in a room with a murderer or rapist or whoever and have a conversation with them for hours and not feel it." At that new knowledge, he felt Alex tense against him, but she didn't pull away. "I used to be able to keep it at a distance, keep everything separated. My self, my true self, was never part of the…the job. That was what made me great at going undercover, y'know. I could generate empathy and understanding and I could become this guy and live in this world and never let it affect me, or let me affect it. Then…today, tonight, I found that I couldn't do that anymore. Maybe, maybe my partner was right when he said that I've been undercover too long. I could be corrupted and not even realize it."

The next couple of minutes felt uncomfortable for him. Alex didn't say anything or move for the longest time. Bobby didn't know if she trying to think of something or ready to kick him out. "Anyway," he had to break the silence. "I was just scared. That's all."

Alex finally turned to face him, sitting her chin on his chest and staring into his eyes. She still looked like the same Alex that had made love to him not more than ten minutes ago. "You're not corrupted, Bobby. It's just…It has been a year and you've been through a lot and you haven't been able to be _you_ in such a long time…" she looked like she was stuck with what to say after that.

Bobby nodded. She was right in a way. He had spent almost a year being Donovan that he had gotten used to being the guy. Sometimes he wasn't sure where Donovan ended and Goren began. "That could be it. I mean, I haven't really been able to be me that I'm just…confused. It's almost like I'm losing a part of myself, a very crazy and unwanted part, but a part none-the-less."

"Doesn't the department make undercover officers go through a sort-of…transitional phase before being put back on active duty?"

Bobby smirked. "It depends on how long. A year is a long time. I wonder how long I'll have to wait."

Alex leaned up and kissed him on the lips, easing his troubled mind. "Stop worrying. You'll be fine."

Bobby wished he had her optimism. "You think?"

"I know. You're too smart to be taken down by someone who never truly existed."

Bobby chuckled and pulled her down to him for a deeper kiss. "So," he finally asked as Alex settled against his chest again. "I'm not…weird-ing you out with all this?"

Alex's hold on him tightened as she said, "No, should it?"

Bobby shrugged and returned his focus back to the ceiling. "Guess not."

They continued to lay together in comfortable silence, enjoying the feel of each other in their arms. Alex was the first to fall asleep.

Bobby covered her with the blanket and ran a lazy hand through her hair as he continued to stare at the ceiling, thinking.

TBC…


	15. Ch14: Figuring Out the Real pt 1

**A/N: **Okay, these next two chapters took a lot of time and effort and re-writing and thought and focus and well, everything, so I hope you all like it. I'm mentally exhausted after writing this thing, lol.

**This chapter is Rated ****M**

Enjoy!

* * *

It felt like it was going to be a good day. The sun was warm against him, heating his face and drying his damp hair, both on his head and his chest. It was another unseasonably hot day in mid-March and he was enjoying it, savoring it, and wanting it to last. Bobby stared out across the roof tops and through the buildings that surrounded him while he sipped on a cooling cup of coffee. From the lack of shadow the sun was casting he knew that it was going on noon.

Having been awake for several hours, he had jogged the seven blocks to his apartment and grabbed a change of clothes along with some essential things that he needed. Then he picked up a newspaper, grabbed breakfast from a diner a few streets over, and then once back at Alex's apartment, he had taken a shower. He was now sitting out on the fire escape, wearing only a comfortably worn-out pair of jeans, and watching the world spin.

Coming from the ground below, he heard voices; looking over the side, through the rails, he spotted two neighborhood boys, not older than twelve, tossing a baseball back and forth to each other in the alley. Being up four floors he couldn't really hear what the boys were talking about, but he caught the words 'Yankees' and 'Derek Jeter' in there somewhere. _Why the hell weren't they in school?_

Remembering all the times he had skipped school as a kid, Bobby shrugged it off as he leaned back against the brick wall and stared out at the city once again. The kids could have been doing worse things than throwing a baseball around.

"Bobby?" Alex's voice was soft coming from inside the apartment but he still heard how it was weighed with worry.

Bobby shifted and leaned sideways so he could see into the bedroom. Alex was setting up in bed, letting the blanket pool on her lap as she searched around the room; sometime that morning she had woken and slipped on a tight white tank-top and panties. Their eyes met and he smiled. "Hey beautiful."

Alex leaned forward a little so she could see him better. "What're you doing out there?"

Bobby got to his feet and climbed back through the window. Easing up to the bed, he sat the cup on the nightstand before sliding next to her on the edge of the bed. "Just sitting…waiting for you to wake up," he finished saying as he bent his head down and kissed her shoulder. "Get cold," he asked as he ran a hand under her covered breasts.

"A little; I'm not big on sleeping naked."

Bobby chuckled as he continued to kiss over her smooth shoulder and collarbone. "You did at my place." He felt her hand come up along his left arm before running over his head, through his slightly damp hair.

"That's because I didn't have anything to wear," her voice murmured against the top of his head as she placed a light kiss there. "Did you shower?"

"I was feeling dirty." Bobby finally took his focus off her neck, shoulder, and body as he peered up at her. "I want to spend the day with you. I-I, uh…I want the chance to show you the real me…Not the Job me." He suddenly felt uncertain and afraid; his eyes darted around the room before focusing at a spot on the headboard behind them as he asked, "Is that okay?"

Alex studied him for a long time as her hand continued to run through his hair and over the back of his neck. "I haven't been with the real you this whole time?"

Bobby's lips pursed as he thought about that. Glancing up at her, he could see that she had been teasing, but there was a hint of seriousness about the question. She was afraid of his answer. "You have, but…not, completely. Have I been completely with you…just you, not the undercover detective?"

Alex looked away before smiling tightly. "I'm not sure, but you have a point."

Bobby pushed himself up on his right arm so he could take her lips between his. The kiss was soft and comforting. "Well?"

Alex kissed him longer and harder before she asked, "What do you have in mind?"

Taking her lovely fair toned body in again, Bobby tilted his head down to kiss her shoulder as his hand slipped under her tank-top, teasing her skin. "You shower and then we'll figure that out."

Alex moaned and cupped his jaw with her right hand; tilting his head back so she could see his eyes, she asked, "You don't want to finish what you're starting?"

Bobby smiled at the eagerness in her voice and the passion filling her eyes. It still amazed him how she responded to him, wanted him, and not afraid to let him know it. "Later. I want…" he ducked his head as he felt his chest and face heat up from embarrassment. "I want to wait and…make love to you, after."

Alex had a look on her face that he had never seen before. She seemed…stunned, or awed…Or was it loved? He stared into her light brown eyes and waited for her to figure it out herself. They both seemed confused. "After…after we get to really know each other?"

A spark of fear and worry spread through him as she asked that. Maybe she didn't want to know the real him. Maybe she didn't want to ever know who he was. Bobby shifted his eyes to the bed as he those thoughts filled his head. Maybe this was a mistake. After all, he knew that it would end eventually; why make it harder for them to say goodbye?

_What am I doing? What am I thinking? _Bobby was suddenly on his feet; Alex grabbed his arm and held him tightly in her small hands. "Forget I said anything…I wasn't…I mean--"

"Bobby!" Alex wasn't letting him go. "Will you calm down?"

Bobby pulled his arm free from her grip. He tried to get as far away from her as he could only to back up against the wall; holding his hands out in front of him like a protective shield, he tried to get his emotions under control. He wasn't thinking clearly. How could he even think that this could work out? It wouldn't. Nothing with him ever worked out. "I shouldn't have even…Alex, just forget it, okay?"

Before he realized it, Alex was out of the bed and with her hands on both sides of his face she pulled him down into a deep, loving, nearly painful kiss. He felt himself freeze before he surrendered himself to her. His arms wrapped tightly around her body, pulling and keeping her close to him. He never wanted to let her go.

She was so perfect, felt so right, and he had never had that before. He never had anyone center him and fill his heart with so much love like she did. It hurt too much to think about not being with her, to not see her eyes when he wakes, to not hear her voice when he needs someone to calm him, and to not feel her when he needs to escape from all the chaos the world throws at him.

Alex's thumbs rubbed over his cheeks as she deepened the kiss. That was when he realized that he had tears burning his eyes and a few must have fallen. She slowly broke the kiss, leaving lingering feather light kisses on his heavily swollen lips. "Stay, please…Don't leave me, again, not today."

Bobby listened to her voice and found himself nodding as he felt his body shake. He would do whatever she told him to do. Plus, his legs were so light he didn't even think they were there. "I got us breakfast," he told her. Not really knowing why, but that seemed to be the only coherent thought in his head. "And the paper…We can see what's going on today…or, we can hang out here or both…whichever."

Alex smiled up at him and gave him one last kiss before heading toward the bathroom. "Sounds great. I won't be long," she called out just before the door closed.

Bobby stared at the door as he fell back against the wall behind him. He was feeling so weak and vulnerable; it was scaring him. He had never let his guard down like that before. "Oh, God, what's wrong with me?"

* * *

His head was starting to hurt. Trying to rub the tension out of it, he switched his cell phone to his left hand as he rubbed at his right temple. He leaned forward, rocking his elbows on the counter as he listened to his mother go on about her roommate Eleanor. The whole roommate situation was stressing her out completely and he was the one that had to hear about it. It wasn't that he didn't enjoy talking to his mother, but when she was this agitated it was too painful to hear her scattered disorganized thoughts.

"Mom," Bobby finally interrupted her once she started again on the fact that Eleanor was currently in her 'depressive' state. She had told him that five times now since he called.

Frances had stopped talking as he interrupted her but then she suddenly asked, "Why are you sounding upset? You suddenly don't want to talk to your--wasn't it you who called me, Bobby, and now you--if you're not going to listen and pay attention what with the shying, I mean crying coming from Eleanor and now your looking elsewhere instead of hearing me and--where are you anyway?"

Bobby breathed in deeply like it was him that had rambled on without taking a breath. Instead of answering her question, he shook his head as he told her, "I'll call again tomorrow and see you Sunday evening. Okay?"

There was no reply on the other line.

"Ma, did you hear me?"

"I did," was her curt answer.

Bobby closed his eyes and nodded. "Okay…I'll talk to you later. And…" he took a deep breath before he said, "I love you, mom." When there was no reply he went to say something when he heard the dial tone in his ear. "Hello? Mom?" _She hung up on me. _

He stared at the phone in his hand, seeing the 'call ended' staring back at him. Bobby dropped the phone to the counter as he buried his pounding head in his hands. _Don't get mad; it's not her fault. Let it… just…Let it go. _Once those thoughts sunk into his worried mind, he straightened and turned around. Alex was standing just inside the kitchen watching him.

Seeing her there sent a wave of fear and panic through him; he grabbed his phone and pocketed it as he went over to the coffee machine. Making her a cup, he filled it and then added spoonfuls of sugar to the coffee. He offered her the cup and hoped that she didn't say anything or ask anything or maybe she didn't even hear anything.

Alex took the offered cup and took a sip of it before leaning against the counter in front of him. Her eyes flickered curiously and cautiously over his body. Bobby suddenly grew very much aware that he was standing in the middle of her kitchen with no shirt on. The twitching urge to cross his arms over his chest to try and create some false sense of security and self-protection sparked in him but he didn't give into the itch.

Even though he's been naked in her bed, and his, she had yet to actually take the time to examine him. He knew what was going through her mind; a small patch of his right forearm was burned, he still had a bandage on his left shoulder from being clipped by a bullet, and this morning he noticed the bruising on the left side of his face where Michael Culpepper sucker-punched him. He looked like a battered cop who had one hell of a week.

And then there were the telling scars that let her know that he had been shot at one point and had to have surgery. It was those scars that sparked his need to protect himself. Outwardly they had healed, inwardly was a different story. Every now and then he still felt the ache in his side or the burn in his lungs from not being able to breath on his own.

He studied her just as intensely until she started to shift uncomfortably and glance at him with uncertainty filling her eyes. The air was starting to push down on him as it seemed to get thicker. Bobby cleared his throat before asking, "How's that case coming?"

Alex frowned as she took another drink of the coffee. "The prostitution case?" When he nodded, she continued, "They're getting ready to take it down now that we know who's all involved."

_That's good._ Bobby debated over whether to tell her about Sunday or not. He wasn't supposed to talk about it. It was a short debate. "Sunday."

Alex raised her eyes to him as confusion replaced her uncertainty. "Sunday?"

"Yeah, uh…Sunday's a good day. Around ten." Bobby waited until clarity came over her and pushed off the counter, heading for the bedroom. He needed to put a shirt on, and socks would be good too.

Walking back into the kitchen after dressing, he spotted Alex re-heating the food he had gotten them. He had taken the containers out but had forgotten all about heating them when he had decided to call his mother. "Sorry." He pointed to the take-out box she was removing from the microwave.

Alex placed one on the counter for him as she placed the other one in the microwave and heated it. "It's okay, I'm in no hurry."

The tension was spreading around him again as Bobby took the only stool at the counter and sat down. He took the offered fork as he flipped the lid to the container open. "I got us the same thing…I wasn't sure--"

"Food is never something I complain about. I'm not picky, and the fruit's a bonus." Alex was smiling as she opened the bowl of mixed fruit and started eating, waiting for the microwave to beep.

Bobby grabbed the paper and opened it across the counter and started reading as he ate in silence. He was consciously aware of Alex going into the living room and relaxing on the couch before he got caught up in reading an article about the two officers who had been shot two days ago.

It seemed like weeks since that night, at least it did to him. He was feeling so worn down, angry, and tired all the time; now with the constant throbbing in his head, he was surprised he was still functional at all.

Hands rubbed at his shoulders and Bobby tensed as he jerked his head around. Alex's warm eyes were staring down into his; concern radiated from them as she smiled weakly at him.

"This okay?" she asked as her hands started messaging his stiff muscles.

Bobby couldn't help but close his eyes and moan in pleasure as he felt the tension leave him.

"You were looking so…"

"Adorable?"

Alex chuckled as he smiled up at her. "I was going to say stressed or exhausted, but I guess adorable will have to do."

Resting his head back against her chest, he hummed as her thumbs worked on the back of his neck. "Why are you so good to me?"

Alex leaned down and began teasing her lips over his before they mended together. That upside-down kiss was causing some serious stirring and tightening to happen down below. It took a couple of long minutes before she answered him; he groaned as she released his mouth.

"Because you're so good to me," Alex answered. "And I want to make you happy."

Bobby opened his eyes and blinked up at her with a boyish smile; he had actually felt his heart skip a beat at that declaration. He pulled her down for a deeper, longer kiss as his craving for her overwhelmed him. Their tongues slid over each other as they made love to their mouths. The way she caressed his mouth, his tongue, and sucked at his lips was so sensuous and erotic it was getting hard to win the fight against the aching warmth that was spreading from his groin up through his body.

"Alex…stop; we've got to stop," he said once he broke the kiss. "I'm, uh…I'm getting seriously uncomfortable here."

Alex peered down into his lap as a sly smile spread over her flushed face. She moved around to the front of him and before he had time to understand what that look was about, she was kneeling down in front of him.

Bobby's lungs choked him as he stopped breathing. _What the…?_ "Alex…honey, wait, uh…You don't have to do that." Even as he was saying it he couldn't believe he was saying it, but he knew how some women didn't like doing that. The look in her eyes told him all he needed to know: _Shut up._

Alex rubbed at him through his jeans as she kissed over his stomach; the ache there increased as his muscles twitched and then shivered as her hot breath tickled over the line of hair that led down under his boxers. A hand found his zipper and released his aching hard member from its confines.

He tried to say something but his voice was lost deep in his chest as her perfectly small and hot mouth engulfed him, taking him in and down and… "Al—unh…fuck," he groaned as his eyes clenched closed at the wet pleasure ignited a fire through his entire body.

That mouth and talented tongue was working him slowly up and down, in no hurry to bring him any release. He loved every second of it as his jaw went slack and his throat tightened as he buried every urge he had to not hold her head still and take over. His hands gripped the edge of the counter so hard they were turning white as the trembling need twisted deep down in him, spreading white hot electricity over his body. He was so close…so close.

"Ungh," he grunted as she sucked hard on the tip. The electricity sparked behind his clenched eyelids as he felt her tongue flick over it before swallowing down hard and deep. Then feeling, and hearing, her hum in so much love and pleasure at tasting him, having him, caused that hot electric need to explode.

He came with such a strong suffocating rush of pleasure that he couldn't breathe as he emptied himself down her throat. He felt her swallow around him and he jerked hard, coming again at the movement, at the thought, and as he opened his eyes, at the image of Alex below him happily taking everything he was giving her.

She stared up at him, her eyes sparkling as she let him slip from her mouth. As she fixed him up, a satisfied smile that illuminated her features--matching her eyes--never left her face. Alex rose up to him, settled on his lap, and then taking his mouth into hers, she shared the taste with him. Her hands rubbed at his shoulders, neck, and face as his hands slipped down lower and tugged at her jeans.

Alex pulled away as she grabbed his hand before it could open her zipper. "Don't, that was for you."

"What?" Bobby looked at her and shook his head. "No, no, let me," he nearly begged as he kissed her neck while his hand tried again to get down to her center where he knew she was wet and aching for him.

"Bobby, I want to wait, like you said…Later, okay? I wanted to do that for you, to make you feel that. The rest can wait."

She was serious. Bobby lifted his head and blinked back, unable to say anything as he studied her face. He was genuinely confused. "I don't…understand," he nearly laughed from the absurdity of him not understanding.

Alex was studying him right back. He could only imagine the many forms of confusion she was seeing on his face and in his eyes. He was dumbfounded to the point of not being able to form any clear thoughts or words. "You've never had a woman do that…just to do it? To make you happy?"

Bobby could only manage a shake of his head, telling her no.

"Bobby, you've been satisfying me in more ways than one over the past couple of days…And I never once got to--"

"You satisfy me by letting me satisfy you." There. He was talking again. Bobby closed his eyes and tried to reason out what she had told him. "Look, women have done that before, but I've always, _always_, given right back. It's-it's only right and I love doing it…I'm confused…Do you not like it?"

Now Alex was the one looking downright confused. "Bobby, believe me when I tell you that I love everything you've been doing to me. Just…could…" she stopped and stared at him for a long moment. "God, you're hopeless." She kissed him again, this time short and sweet, and then headed down the hallway.

Bobby watched as she left the kitchen and rubbed at his head. "Hopeless? _I'm_ hopeless?" He jumped off the stool and had to catch himself on the counter as his legs gave under him. They were heavy, numb, and asleep. "What did she do to me?" he muttered to himself as he rubbed at his legs, getting them to stop tingling.

Once he could walk again, Bobby found her in the bathroom putting on makeup. He crossed to her and took her by the waist and tilted her back.

"Bobby!" Alex yelped as he picked her up off the floor and easily slung her across his shoulder on her stomach. "Bobby, put me down!" She was trying not to laugh as she playfully hit him on the back.

"_I'm_ hopeless?" Bobby asked as he headed down the hall toward the bedroom. "Why can't you just let me make you happy?"

"Okay, okay, you're not hopeless; I'll let you…Please, put me down!"

Bobby did as she asked and went to let her down when she wrapped her arms around his neck and brought him down onto the bed with her. She was laughing as they crashed into the mattress together; he had never heard her laugh so loud and hard before. It sounded real, happy, and it was beautiful. Biting softly at her shoulder, he tried to get her to release him from her tight grip.

"Bobby," she warned through a smile.

"Let me go," he demanded as he went to bite her again. Her arms were still wrapped tightly around him, not letting him move further down her body.

Alex wasn't budging. "No."

Bobby smiled as he nipped at her shoulder, grazing his teeth along her soft skin. "I'll do it."

She raised an eyebrow, daring him.

He wanted to laugh at the bold move, so he did before he bit down a little harder, hearing her voice hitch and then moan. That deep rumble melted his playfulness to desire as he replaced his teeth with lips and tongue. "Let me, please?" he asked again, his voice was husky with his deep need. "We'll make love later, I promise, just…let me taste you."

Her arms slid across his back, releasing him, and settled on his shoulders. Bobby immediately dropped a hand to her jeans, rubbing her a little, hearing her moan and urge him on before he unzipped and lowered the jeans down her thighs. His hand eased in first, rubbing at her wet center, over that nub that made her push against him. "I love doing this to you," he told her as he peered into her brown eyes that started to cloud and darken like a raging storm of passion.

Kissing her softly on the lips, thanking her, he eased down between her thighs. He couldn't help but take a deep long whiff of her scent as he removed his hand. Her smell was intoxicating. Bobby covered her entirely with his open mouth as he licked her juices, sucked, and then swallowed; he wanted to drink all of her in.

"Unh," Alex groaned as she arched into him. "God, Bobby…"

He let his tongue flick over her nub before taking it between his teeth and softly biting down, marking her. Alex cried out as she squirmed under him, her hands twisted and tangled in his sheets. Letting her go, he gently eased her open for him with his lips before pushing in as far as his tongue could go. Deep, hungry sounds came from Alex's mouth as her hands slid over his head and gripped him hard as she pushed against him.

He could imagine himself being buried inside of her; how she would be so wet, hot, and tight. She was so close; her breathing was becoming shallower, harder, faster…deeper…His tongue drove into her one last time as his thumb rubbed at her nub.

She came hard; her walls clenching tight in spasms as her body rocked back and shook violently. Bobby listened to her gasping breaths and soft cries as he drank her in, licking and swallowing everything she had, not spilling a drop as she pulsed around him.

Her hands that were still gripping at his head pulled him up to her awaiting mouth. Their kisses were greedy, nearly hungry, as their tongues devoured each other. Bobby felt his lungs start to burn before he pulled away, leaving long and soft kisses on her lips, chin, and neck. "Are you okay?"

Alex blinked back as she was getting her breathing under control. Smiling up at him, she breathed out, "Uh-huh."

Bobby smiled as he rolled onto his back and took in a couple of deep breaths himself.

They were silent for a long moment before Alex turned her head toward him. "So, what is it you want to do today?"

Bobby stared at the ceiling before looking over at her.

TBC…


	16. Ch15: Figuring Out the Real pt 2

**A/N: **Thanks to everyone for their reviews and support!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own or profit from or get anything for the books I have mentioned in this chapter. I just found some really cool and interesting sounding book titles on the web. And I made a book title up, you'll know which one when you read it.

**Enjoy!**

* * *

They took the East 180 Street subway train into Manhattan to 59th and Lexington because Alex insisted that the Upper East Side had all the best stores. Bobby had told her while lying on her bed staring at the ceiling that he wanted to take her out to dinner.

Alex had first wanted to protest, saying that she didn't have anything nice to wear. When he told her that he would take her shopping she was still trying to put up a fight. Then, finally, after a short display of his childish-stubbornness, she had agreed.

It was a beautiful afternoon and the streets were busy like always. They headed north along Lexington Avenue and would come back around down Madison, making a circle back to the subway.

"What's her name?" Bobby asked as he followed a few steps behind Alex. She had just told him that she had a black Labrador that her sister was watching while she was undercover.

"Scout."

Bobby stopped and watched as Alex took a moment to adjust her purse on her shoulder and fix her heel strap that suddenly decided to make her life more miserable. He smiled a little at her display of groaning and moaning over the 'damn strap from hell'. "'To Kill a Mockingbird'?" he asked pertaining to the name of her dog.

Alex was smiling at him as she dropped her foot and started toward him. "My all-time favorite book; you have any pets?" she quickly asked.

Bobby shook his head as he held out his hand, letting her small one intertwine and mend with his. "I'm allergic to cats and if I had a dog I'm afraid I would end up killing it. Not because I would abuse it or anything, but because I'm hardly ever home." She was walking very close to him, bumping into his right side as they walked along the sidewalk taking in the window displays from the various stores and business. Glancing over at Alex, he asked, "Is the dog a child substitute?" They had walked by a store selling children's clothes and for some reason the images brought that question to mind.

Alex stopped walking and shook her head as she stared up at him. "No; at least, I don't think so."

Bobby blinked back at the baby clothes display as sudden panic rushed through him. He never knew why he didn't ask or think about it before. Maybe it was because he wasn't concerned. And that shook him considerably. He'd always been concerned about things like that. "You're on the pill right?"

Alex was taken back by that question but was nodding. Feeling that he could breathe a little better, Bobby nodded once and continued walking.

"Wow, that look was one of pure panic. You don't want children?"

Bobby looked around at the busy street, not meeting her eyes as he answered, "Knowingly, no."

"What does that mean?"

Bobby shrugged a little. "It means…I don't want kids, but if it were to happen, without my wanting it to happen, then…I'll pray I'm a good father. Do you?"

Alex was quiet for a moment before answering, "I'm not sure; sometimes I do, other times…I can't imagine being a working mom. What're your reasons?"

"My business," he told her bluntly.

Alex went quiet again before asking, "Do you at least like children?"

He had an amused smile twist at the edges of his lips as he answered, "Absolutely; they aren't tainted by the things that taint adults." Bobby stared down at her as she continued to try and figure out what he was thinking. She never would.

Alex considered that for a moment before taking the bait. "So, what are adults tainted by?"

Bobby shrugged as he simply said, "Cynicism."

"That's one thing."

"But it spurs so many others." Bobby felt her hand disconnect from his. _Is she withdrawing from me? Putting a distance between us now that she knows a little more about me?...Or am I thinking too much about this? _ He let her hand go, feeling the empty void replace her warmth.

Alex continued walking, going ahead of him, and stopped at a corner store window, looking in at the dresses. "You don't think you'll be a good father?"

Bobby stood next to her, examining the cracks in the sidewalk below him. It seemed like they were miles away from his contemplating eyes. "I didn't say that, but…I'm not sure. I don't know if anyone knows the answer to that. I would like to be, think I would. I, uh…I sometimes wonder what good parenting is."

Alex looked up at him, frowning in confusion. "You don't know?"

Bobby stared at the sidewalk, knowing she wouldn't continue until he looked at her or answered. He glanced up a little too tentatively; this was the first time they talked about anything really personal. "It's complicated, isn't it?"

"Not really. I've seen good parenting. You see that the child is respectful, but also free. My parents were good parents. You just…have to love them and teach them what's right and wrong. Let them learn from their own mistakes."

Bobby looked around again, getting his thoughts in order. "Yeah, I could make sure my child goes to school every day, have clothes to wear, food to eat…satisfy the basic needs. That doesn't make me a good parent. Ultimately, the child determines it, right? Who they turn out to be, how you as the parent feel about that, and how the child feels about you, those are what determine if you're a good parent…I mean, isn't that what parents do, how they think? If my child isn't who I want them to be, than…I'm disappointed, even, love them less. If my child fails it's because they weren't appreciative enough, they didn't apply themselves."

Alex stared up at him like he was saying the dumbest thing ever. "Bobby, the child never fails, the parents do. You're a good parent because you still love them, no matter what, even if they do fail. Loving your child is what makes the difference."

"Okay," Bobby shot right back. He was silently enjoying this little battle of perspectives. He was finally figuring out Alex's mind, her soul. "Say you do all that, and your child still grows up to hate you, they choose not to be there for you or help you or take care of you. You're still going to think it was your fault, that you failed them, and _not_ that the child didn't appreciate all you did for them. You'll still love them the same, even if they're a big disappointment."

Alex gave him a curious glance as she slowly answered, "Yes, I'll think it's my fault, but I can't control that, even though I might want to. As for how my child thinks about me later on, I can't control what or how they think once they start doing it for themselves. And yes, I'll still love them and I'll still be there for them; like I said, no matter what. Unconditional love, remember? All parents have that."

"Do they?" Bobby curiously asked as he nodded lightly and a little numbly. He took a moment to take in all that he could see in the depths of her eyes before smiling lovingly. "You're very lucky, Alex. You'll make a good parent. Don't forget that," he stated softly, almost to himself. He turned to look back at the dress she had been eyeing. He could feel her eyes lingering on him as she thought about what he had just told her. "You want it?"

Alex's eyes finally left the side of his face as she looked back at the dress and shrugged. "It's nice."

"I didn't ask if it was nice, I asked if you want it." Bobby smiled at it before smiling at her. "You'll look stunning in it."

Alex was silent for a moment, shocked and confused. "What? Bobby, no, it's too much."

Bobby grinned widely as he opened the door to the store and slipped in.

"Bobby!" Alex stopped the door from closing then followed him in. "You're not buying that for me."

Bobby looked around for a sales person. Catching the eye of a very young looking girl, he gestured for her to come over. "I see that look in your eyes, you want it. So, I'll get it for you. That's what men do; they buy beautiful women things they want, cost doesn't matter."

"I know no man that does that; at least, not before complaining about it first."

Bobby watched her closely and then sighed heavily as he rolled his eyes. "Fine. Oh, please, Alex, don't let me spend excessive amounts of money on you to make you happy."

Alex shoved him gently at his sarcasm as she started laughing.

"May I help you?"

Bobby stared down into Alex's eyes until he was certain she was okay with him buying her that dress. "Uh, yeah, she's interested in that," he pointed to the black dress in the display window.

The sales woman beamed at them, well, mostly him. "Certainly, right this way, uh, what's your size?" she asked Alex as they headed further back into the store.

Alex turned to him and he nearly ran into the back of her as she stopped. "Sorry, Bobby, this is woman stuff. Go, sit somewhere."

Bobby acted hurt at the dismissal. "Fine," he held up his hands in mock surrender. "Jeeze, give a woman an inch and she walks all over you."

Half an hour later, Bobby opened his eyes as he heard an exasperated "Oh, my God." Looking toward the dressing room, he grinned at Alex's obvious love for the dress. Why it took so long for a woman to try on clothes he'd never know.

"Bobby, you need to see this."

"No," he quickly got up and went to make sure she wasn't trying to come out of the little room. Bobby was ready to close his eyes if he spotted just a glimpse of her. "No, no…I don't want to see you in it yet."

"You're going to see me when I change into it."

Bobby had to try and not imagine that in his head as he glanced over at the sales woman. His neck was feeling hot and flushed as he looked away, toward the floor. Rubbing at the back of his neck, he tried to ease the embarrassment away. "Alex." He tried not to make his voice loud but he couldn't exactly whisper. "Look, it's our first, uh…real date. I'm going to treat it like one. You're going to go back to your place and get ready and, you know…do girl things. I'm going to go home and get ready and then pick you up. And no arguing about it," he quickly added. She didn't have to say anything but he could almost hear her sarcastic remark. "I want this to be…right, special."

Several minutes later, Alex emerged from the room. She was softly smiling at him but her eyes were looking red and wet.

It wasn't lost on him how silent she was. "Are you okay?" Bobby asked as he gave her arm a light squeeze.

Alex gave him a little wider, tighter smile and nod as she handed the dress over to the sales woman.

Bobby felt like there was more; something she wasn't telling him. Alex turned her attention back to him and stared up into his eyes with a question. Whatever it was that was bothering her was gone and in its place was a sense of playfulness. "What?"

Alex studied him for a moment before saying, "My new dress, its going to be lonely. Shoes."

Bobby blinked back and watched as she walked around him, toward the registers. "Shoes?" he asked as he followed after her.

"More importantly," Alex told him as she stopped at the counter. "New dress shoes."

Bobby pulled his money clip from his pocket as he stared down at her. He was trying not to smile or show his amusement, but it wasn't working. "That's fine," he said as he handed the correct amount of bills to the woman, he continued, "Whatever you want, I'll get…Earrings too, and a-a, uh, a necklace."

"Bobby," Alex went to protest again.

"I think there's an, uh, Temptation store around here somewhere" he called over his shoulder to Alex as he headed out of the store.

Alex was smiling at him as she followed him out of the store; the bag with the dress was hanging over her right arm. "Hun-huh, and what do you know about _temptation_?"

Bobby felt the heat again rising up his neck as he quickly took the bag off her arm and slung it over his shoulder. "The store, or…?" Alex smirked at him as she started up the street. "'Cause you're tempting me right now, honey," he playfully told her as he took a hold of her hand once again as he fell in-step with her.

"Well, I hate to bust your bubble, but Temptation moved to the other side of the park."

Bobby stopped walking and stared across the street toward Central Park. "Well, damn it."

"Hey." Alex turned to him as she said, "I've been the one doing all the shopping so far. Don't you want anything, check anything out?"

Bobby thought about that before suddenly pulling out his money clip. "Okay, uh, here," he handed her more than enough for a new pair of shoes. When she refused to take it, he grabbed the front of her jeans and slipped the money into her pocket. "Stop fighting me. You're not going to win."

Alex stared up at him in all seriousness and sighed heavily in defeat. "Where are you going?"

"58th and Park Avenue." Bobby watched as Alex struggled to figure out what was at that address. "Borders. Call me when you get there, I might be…lost somewhere." He turned and headed back down the street with Alex looking after him. As he waited at the light, he knew that she was trying to understand what exactly that last comment meant.

* * *

Alex hadn't called when she arrived at the Borders bookstore. She had wanted to see if she could figure out where Bobby was and find out what 'lost somewhere' meant. To her disbelief, and amusement, she found him on the top floor at the very far end hunched in a small corner with his head nearly buried in a book. It was one of many books he had stacked next to him on the floor.

She was standing near one of the tables, observing not only him but the other people around the area. It wasn't hard to notice the looks and stares Bobby was receiving from a wide range of people going by or seated at the tables; they were probably wondering why he choose to sit in a corner on the floor instead of at a table like a normal person.

She was wondering that herself.

Bobby was wearing a worn-down pair of blue jeans, a light grey cotton button-down shirt that was open exposing the black tee he had on underneath. The sleeves were rolled-up to his elbows, showed off the many fake tattoos, and the bruise on his right cheek was looking a nasty purple and blue. He looked like the last person you would expect to see in a bookstore, yet alone deeply interested in reading something intellectual. And the way he was sitting, completely alone and so far huddled in on himself that you couldn't tell from looking at him that he was six-four.

He was a complete contrast, full of contradictions, especially right then. And, she must admit, he was definitely looking 'lost' in himself. Bobby probably wouldn't have heard his cell ring even if she did call. As she continued to look at him, she felt a stirring in the depths of her. That lost-self look of Bobby was very, _very_, sexy.

Alex realized in the moment that this was the real Bobby. He was a quiet intellectual that could probably put her to shame with his mind. And in that awkwardly huddled, almost impossible physicality of a man his size, he looked to be completely and perfectly comfortable and at ease. She could tell that he was also aware of the looks, the stares, and it didn't seem to bother him, like he was used to it.

"'A Descent toward Empathy: A Collection of Conversations'. What's that about?"

Bobby's head snapped up at the sound of her voice. He stared at her like he was surprised she was there before blinking back and looking at his watch. "I'm sorry, did, uh…did you call?"

Alex sat down next to him; she leaned in and kissed him on the lips before answering, "No. So, what's it about?"

Bobby was stunned that she had kissed him; he glanced out into the main area and at the people who were now trying not to be too obvious about the fact they were watching them. "A-a, uh…a former FBI profiler, he describes the nature of serial criminals…murderers, through interviews, and uh…conversations, he had with them. He lets you into their heads, get you to understand them…How to talk to them, relate."

Alex blinked up at him and smiled tightly. "No wonder you're getting weird looks." She caught the authors name before Bobby got a chance to tuck it under his arm, out of sight. "Declan Gage, isn't that the--"

"Yeah," Bobby quickly answered as he ungracefully got up off the floor. Now he was showing his height. "Ready?"

Alex slowly got up and brought along the other books Bobby had next to him on the floor. "'Paternal Descriptions of Child Personality', 'Nature, Nurture, and Psychology'…'Never Good Enough: Freeing yourself from the chains of perfectionism'." She looked up at him as she realized that he was researching information about parenting. Bobby didn't just like talking about serious subject matters he liked to also read about those things. Alex then read the last book that was on the bottom of the pile. "'Helping someone with mental illness: A compassionate guide for family, friends, and caregivers'."

She looked up at Bobby and noticed that he was eyeing the floor with a great amount of intent of keeping his eyes locked there. His breathing was getting thicker, more forced, as his muscles tensed. Alex suddenly remembered the conversation she had overheard that morning between him and his mother. Then their conversation about parents came to mind and something clicked in place. She wasn't going to ask, therefore she would probably never know if she was right or not, but it didn't matter. She would take it and add it to what she had already come to understand and know about the real Bobby, and that would be that.

"Yeah," she finally said as she placed the books back down. He seemed to be only interested in buying the one he had tucked under his arm. "I'm ready."

Bobby was eerie quiet as they paid for the book and then started back toward the subway. It wasn't until they were safety seated and cruising through tunnels that he finally spoke. "Thanks."

Alex had to strain to hear it. If she hadn't been so focused on listening to his breathing evening out, she would have missed it. She shifted next to him, getting a little closer, and took his left hand into hers. "For what?"

"Not…uh, not asking." His voice was soft and assertive, like he was trying to convince himself of what he was saying. Bobby finally looked down at her with that smile she had come accustom to being only meant for her. "So, what kind of food do you like?"

TBC…

* * *

A/N: I know, this is a short chapter, but it was all I had for this part. The next part: dinner, dancing, a little love and a little mayhem…


	17. Ch16: Scene from an Italian Restaurant

**A/N: **I'm glad everyone's enjoying these chapters; I was a little apprehensive about them. I just thought that after all the action and stress these two are obviously going through that they needed a little time to breathe and just be themselves. So, anyway, thanks again to everyone for their reviews and to those of you who are still reading!

**Enjoy!

* * *

  
**

Bobby toweled off his head and neck, feeling the cool air in the apartment against his hot skin. Despite the temperature in the room, he was sweaty and burning up. He tossed the towel toward the corner with the dirty clothes as he opened the closet door. He only had one suit and it was the only thing hanging in the closet.

It was a simple dark navy blue suit pants and jacket that he didn't think he would ever have a reason to wear. Everything fit perfectly still, thank God. Slipping the belt around his waist, he headed into the bathroom and checked himself out in the mirror. He didn't have too many dress shirts to choose from, but he thought the light blue dress shirt looked okay.

Now…tie, or no tie…? Bobby studied the two ties he had in each hand; one was a solid dark navy blue, the other was the same blue but with thin silver stripes. Holding one up to his chest, he studied how it looked with the suit in the mirror, and then repeated with the other tie.

Would she care? He had no idea, but if she was going to look her stunning best than damn it, so was he. Definitely a tie. Tossing the solid one over the towel hook on the door, he placed the striped one around the back of his neck. What was he thinking not wanting to wear one? If his mother taught him anything about impressing a woman, it was to wear a tie with a sharp looking suit.

As he slid the knot up to his neck, he heard a ringing coming from the other room. Darting down the hall into the kitchen, he snatched up his ringing cell phone. It wasn't Alex, but Stan, one of Mack's drivers. "Yeah, this is Donovan," he rushed out into the phone.

"I'm out front," Stan's deep baritone voice announced.

"Okay, be down in a minute." Bobby pocketed the phone and headed back to his bedroom.

He was apprehensive at the idea of calling Stan; however, it was the best decision. For one, he didn't have a car and so he wouldn't have to pay for a cab. Secondly, he was one of Mack's guy's and if he was called in early or if anything were to happen then he would already be with someone who could help him. And lastly, picking Alex up in the limo was way better than any taxi service in the Bronx.

Making sure he had everything he need, Bobby locked the door and hurried down the hall, the steps, and then out the door.

Stan was holding the back door open for him. "So, big date, huh, sir?"

Bobby would have blushed if he wasn't supposed to be some serious whack-job. Instead, he glared at the big, blurry man and got in. It was a short drive to Alex's apartment, but he made Stan go out of the way a good ten blocks to a flower shop before they made it to the apartment at exactly the time he told Alex he would pick her up.

Staring up at the building he'd spent the better half of his week at, Bobby suddenly felt nervous about ascending those four flights.

"You really are nervous, aren't you, sir?"

Bobby glanced over at Stan who leaned back against the car next to him. The night air was a lot cooler than what the day's sun had brought. He rubbed a hand over his head and against the back of his neck; pulling at the tie a little, he tried to regain his sense of control, his nerves, and his ego as he felt Stan's grin and heard his chuckle. "Listen, Stan, call me Bobby."

Stan looked him over for a moment before nodding. "Sorry, Bobby."

He nodded and then reluctantly asked, "Could, um…could you keep this between us?" Bobby glared hard at Stan until the man nodded and held up his hands.

"Don't worry none of the guys will hear about when it comes to women, you're a softy. And if it does, it won't matter anyway, I mean, after how you handled Rick in the parkin' lot--"

Bobby jerked his head toward the older man as his jaw clenched. "Where'd you hear about that?"

"Guys talk, so do video cameras."

Bobby started to feel the new rush of anger shoot through him before he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Not now. Alex was up there, waiting for him. Opening his eyes, he pushed himself off the car. "Uh, thanks again, for doing this. I know it's your night off…"

Stan shrugged his massive shoulders and looked a little embarrassed for being complimented. "No big deal, Bobby. Now, get up there and get her so I can get paid."

Getting the hint, Bobby smirked and headed up the steps and toward the person he had been waiting all night to see. As he headed up the flights of stairs, he was suddenly aware of the sweat coating his hands and his neck. He didn't know why he was so nervous; it wasn't like he had been with Alex before, but this was different.

They were actually going to have a date and discuss things that had nothing to do with the job and all of it was causing a war within his mind of biblical proportions. His head was a constant throbbing of pain even with the aspirin he had taken earlier. These constant headaches weren't something he was used to, but he figured it was because all of the stress coming at him. With the added anxiety over being with Alex and all of the many complications that could arise from their relationship, he was feeling more pressure in his head than usual.

Eyeing the door in front of him, he took a deep breath and knocked rapidly on it. Taking a moment to straighten out his jacket and tie, he heard movement on the other side of the door and froze as it opened.

As soon as he caught sight of Alex his throat locked as his heart took a dive in his chest. The black dress wasn't just stunning, it was heavenly. Black thin straps that were hooked together behind her neck kept it from slipping to the floor; but as he took her in, he thought that even if the straps came undone, it wouldn't fall it clung to her tightly reveling the curves of her body, hips, and exposing her cleavage.

"You're staring."

_Breathe. Breathe and apologize for staring like an idiot_. "S-sorry--" Bobby stammered out once he got his breath back; he finally dropped his hands from his tie where they were momentarily frozen in place.

"Don't be, that's the reaction I was hoping for." She grinned up at him. "Come in for a sec, I have to get my stuff."

Bobby followed her into the apartment and shut the door. He stood by the door as she wrapped a long, wide black shawl around her shoulders to keep her warm and grabbed her purse.

"Well," Bobby said as he moved into her personal space; his eyes still roamed over her before he locked eyes with her. "I didn't have a heart attack, but I know I felt my heart stop." His hands slid around her waist, feeling the slick smoothness of the dress run over his palms. Feeling her muscles twitch under the dress brought as smile to his face as he hands ventured up her even smoother silky bare back. He leaned his head down her collarbone and took in her scent before softly kissing over her skin, up her neck, and to her lips. "You're absolutely breath-taking," he breathed out heavily against her mouth before taking her lips between his.

Alex leaned into him as her arms wrapped around his neck, pulling him down closer. In her deepening kiss he could taste the hunger she had for him and it sent a shiver down his body. Wanting to feel all of her, his hands caressed back down her back, around her hips, up to her half-covered breasts. He messaged them softly, hearing the moan rumble deep in her throat before traveling down her middle and around to her thighs. Hiking the dress up a little, his fingers explored her thighs as his thumbs ran over her cheeks. Where he should have felt panties he felt only skin, which abruptly confused and startled him.

Pulling back, his mind skidded to a halt as he stared down into her sparkling mischievous brown eyes. "Oh…God, you're um…uh…" He felt the heat rush up his neck to his face as he closed his eyes and ducked his head. "Y-you're, uh…you're not…" Feeling hands smoothed up his chest, Bobby stopped his mindless rambling and opened his eyes to be looking down at Alex as she arched into him, pressing her breasts against his chest.

"Is that a problem?" she asked, her eyes twinkling with amusement.

Bobby was trying not to laugh but failed as he chuckled and shook his head, taking in the new sight of Alex pressed fully against him. "No, no…God no…It's just…you're going to kill me."

Alex only smirked as she led him out of the apartment. His hands stayed on her the whole time, teasing over her sides and gripping her hips. She turned into him as she pulled the door shut and took a moment to get the key to lock it.

His eyes roamed over her bare back down to where the dress met her skin. Taking in the dress that clung to the rest of her body that he now knew was bare under it, Bobby resisted the urge to lift the dress so he could see with his eyes what she was hiding. Stepping back a little, his eyes dropped down over her ass and thighs before taking in her strong toned legs. "Nice shoes by the way." The heels were black with silver links stretching around the straps which when catching the light made them look a light purple color. _Interesting_, he thought as he looked back into her eyes.

Alex turned in his arms and smiled. "Thanks for giving me the money to buy them." She didn't have to stretch too far to meet his mouth as she softly kissed him before she hooked her arm around his.

"Oh," he stopped her from taking a step down the hall. Bobby was reminded of the flower he had bought her when he caught sight of her heels. "I almost forgot," he smiled shyly as he reached around her head; he let his fingers flow through her hair as he distracted her with a kiss. When he pulled away from her mouth, he slipped the rose from his sleeve and letting the pedals lightly brush over her temple before presenting it to her.

Alex's eyes lit up as she smiled at seeing the rose suddenly appear in front of her. "Like _magic_."

Bobby chuckled as he kissed her forehead as her fingers wrapped around his before taking the rose from him.

"I love magic," she told him as she took in the rose with a curious smile. "Lavender? Why not the usual red rose?"

"I have my reasons." Bobby took her arm and re-hooked it around his as they started for the stairs.

Alex was still studying the rose as she asked, "Do you know what the significance of this rose is?"

Yes, he did, but he didn't want to be the one to say it. When he looked down at her, Bobby could see that she wanted to explain it to him. "Enlighten me."

She smiled up at him once they stepped into the small lobby as she explained, "Well, it's unique and it signifies something that's…enchanting, usually…" she hesitated before finishing, "love at first sight." Her voice was soft, nearly a whisper as she said at, like she was a little afraid of announcing it.

Bobby felt the soft smile that filled his eyes as he listened to her voice tell him that. His heart was pounding his chest but it was also soaring at the feelings that overtook him as he continued to watch her. After a moment, and she finally looked up at him, he smiled wider as he said, "Well…you certainly put a spell on me, Alex." For more than the first time, he wanted to say her real name, and he hated not being able to know what it was. He was deeply in love with this woman and to not be able to hear her name in his head and on his lips was driving him crazy. "Come on." He gave her a quick kiss and led them out the door.

Alex eyed the limo and the guy standing next to it holding the door open. "Bobby…"

"Stan, this is Alex, Alex…Stan."

Stan smiled at her as he gestured for them to get in. "Pleasure, Miss Alex."

Bobby helped her into the car and caught the wink Stan gave him. Sighing and rolling his eyes, he slipped into the car next to her. She was still eyeing the rose like it was supposed to disappear or something.

"I got a short stem so…uh," he trailed off as he took it from her fingers. Reaching to her hair, Bobby unfastened one of the clips that were holding her hair back out of her face. He ran the stem through her hair until it completely disappeared before refastening the clip. "There." He smiled down at her curious face that suddenly changed to something penetrating and serious. At that look, he suddenly felt uncertain of his actions. Glancing around the car not trusting himself to look her in the eyes, he asked nervously, "What?" When his eyes flickered back to her face, his concern spiked as he spotted the tears in her eyes that stood out from the dark black and purple mascara. "Hey," he took her face in his hands and soothed his thumbs over her cheeks. "Hey, Alex…Wha--…Its okay." He had no idea what he was trying to comfort her over, but whatever it was it had to be okay.

She suddenly nodded and she ducked her head into his shoulder; snuggling up against him, she seemed to regain control over her emotions as she rubbed at her eyes. Bobby wrapped his left arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer against him. He looked at the black glass that blocked off the view into the front of the car and was glad that Stan couldn't see them.

After a long couple of minutes, Alex turned her head up toward him as smiled lightly as she told him, "You, um…you look handsome. I forgot to tell you that I think you look wonderful in a suit."

"The tie isn't too much," he asked.

She shook her head 'no' as her hand slid down his chest, over his tie, and down to his right hand which she took in hers. "So, where are you taking me?"

Bobby took in her new reserve and wondered what it was that was going on in her head. Realizing that she was just as stubborn and uncertain with showing her emotions as he was, he tried to reassure her with a smile as he answered, "Somewhere nice, special, you'll like it."

For the rest of the drive neither one of them spoke. Bobby would occasionally tighten his grip around her shoulders or kiss her on top of her head as he breathed her in. Feeling her respond to him helped to ease his mind that something was wrong. He didn't want to go into having dinner with her feeling like he couldn't trust the feeling that Alex wanted to be there with him.

It wasn't long before the car came to a slow stop. He looked out the window at the restaurant before spotting Stan coming up to the door. Helping Alex out of the car, he slipped Stan more than what he promised him.

"Thanks, Bobby," Stan said as he smiled at him before nodding to Alex.

"I'll call when we're ready to leave," Bobby told Stan before he led Alex up the walk and into the restaurant.

As soon as he opened the door, they could hear the lively chatter of customers over a playing of a Frank Sinatra song. The restaurant was adorned with red bricks that gave way to arches and sections that separated the different areas. The furnishings and bar were all crafted from a burgundy maple wood that blended with the red of the bricks. The railings and banisters that helped to separate the walkways and sections were accented with black iron bars bent and shaped into floral patterns.

A male host spotted Bobby and stepped up to the pavilion. "Good evening, do you have a reservation?"

Bobby smiled back at that guy as he stepped in close and answered softly, "Uh, y-yes, under Donovan."

Recognition immediately filled the young man's eyes. "Oh, Mr. Donovan, you're table is ready. Please, follow me."

Alex looked up at him and he meekly shrugged. Resting his hand against the small of her back, they started to follow the young man. Alex moved in closer to him as he massaged her back in small circles. She seemed to relax into his touch as they continued toward the back. It was just after five and the place wasn't too busy, just as he hoped. It wouldn't start to get busy for another hour or so when they would have to leave to have time to get to work on time.

Glancing down at Alex, Bobby noticed that she was taking in the decorations. Following her eyes to the pictures that lined the walls, he spotted a black-and-white photo of the 1969 New York Yankees. "That's the year this place was built," he softly told her as the host stopped at a table near the back and away from the main area. He quickly moved around the waiter, letting his hand slip off her back, and pulled out the chair for Alex to sit down.

A light blush colored Alex's cheeks as she smiled and took the seat. Once she was settled, Bobby eased the shawl off her shoulders and draped it over the back of the chair. He turned to the host and shook his hand with his right which had a couple of bills cupped in it. Taking the seat across from her, he smiled at the look on her face. She was amused.

"All this trouble for me?"

Bobby ducked his head a little as he leaned over the table; whispering to her, he said, "Well, as Frank is singing right now, 'Nothing but the Best', for you, always." Seeing her cheeks grow a darker shade of red, he smiled and leaned back in the chair, stretching a little. "You know," he pointed to one for the photos of the Yankees players frozen in some playing position. "If you come in here at the right time, you might run into a player."

"Really?"

At the wonderment in her eyes, he had to ask, "Are you a fan?"

She quickly looked away and tried to repress a tight smile.

Bobby realized she didn't want to say. "C'mon, you can tell me. You think Jeter's hot, don't you?"

Alex started to laugh and shook her head. "No, nothing like that. I'm a fan, but… it's…Boston."

Bobby eyed her seriously as he asked unbelievably, "Boston? You're serious."

Alex chuckled at the stunned look on his face. "See, that's why I didn't want to say anything."

Bobby shook his head and smiled. "I'm not upset, it's just…_Boston_."

Alex chuckled softly as she defended herself. "My family's from Boston. I know you've heard it in my voice."

He had. The way she said some words clearly told him she spent some time in the city of Boston, or at least had relatives from there. Bobby raised his hands in mock surrender. "All right, Yankees fan," he gestured to himself, "Red Socks fan," he waved off-handedly at her. "It's okay…I can _deal_," he finished a little dramatically. He smiled at the roll of her eyes. "So, you really like this place?"

"Yeah, it seems popular."

Bobby nodded as he explained, "They say it used to be the uh, best kept secret here in the Bronx, but then word got around and now...Anyway, all that matters is the food's amazing. They, uh, still use the old cast-iron ovens to cook the pizzas." He pointed over to the kitchen and watched as Alex turned and noticed the iron oven built into the brick wall.

"Wow." She turned back to him and smiled. "Really, it's great, Bobby. Thanks for bringing me here, and for the whole day…Just, thank you."

At the sincerity of her words, Bobby felt his cheeks heat as well. He gave a curt nod as he eyed the table.

"Look at that, I got you blushing," she lightly teased him.

He smiled at the teasing as he told her, "Well, you're very cute when you do it."

"Back at ya, tough guy," she shot back before she softly laughed.

He was really feeling the embarrassment now; his head tilted to the side as he rubbed at the back of his neck. "Yeah, well…" he closed his eyes and shook his head a little, trying to rid himself of the feeling. Looking over at Alex, he finally grinned at her as he took her hand in his and kissed the back of it. "You can stop it now." He kept his left hand intertwined with her right, he handed her a menu before getting himself one. "Our waiter should be here soon, so…What would you like to drink?"

Alex didn't make a move to release his hand as she opened her menu to the back with her left hand. "Is wine okay?"

"Great, actually. Uh, red…white…?" Bobby glanced up at her from the menu and watched as she looked over the wine list. His eyes took in the way her mouth went stern as she tried to figure out what she would like best.

"Something not too strong or rich," Alex was saying as she skimmed over the white wine section. "I don't like to drink anything too filling before I eat."

Bobby didn't return his eyes back to the menu as he kept his focus solely on her. The feel of her warm hand warming his was calming as he let his eyes take in everything that was Alex. She reached up and flawlessly smoothed back a loose strand of hair behind her ear. He could see the way she was breathing with the slight rise and fall of her chest; she was completely at ease and looked to be happy.

"Stop it."

Bobby blinked back as she softly spoke. "S-stop, uh, what?"

Alex glanced up at him with a knowing look and smile. "Looking at me like I'm the most beautiful woman you've ever seen in your life."

Bobby felt the relief in him that she wasn't mad, but really just amazed that he'd been looking at her exactly like that. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. "Can't help it; it'd be a lie if I didn't."

"Is there ever a time when you're not charming?"

Bobby chuckled and glanced at the table. "Uh…nope." He glanced up in time to see the smirk on her lips before she looked up.

A waiter approached the table and cleared his throat. "Good evening," he greeted them. "I'm Tom and I'll be your waiter for the evening. First, can I start you off with something to drink? We have an extensive wine list as well as an open bar."

Bobby gestured for Alex to order first. She ordered the Delicato White Zinfandel."I'll have a glass of, uh…Straccali Chianti, please. Thank you, Tom." Once the waiter left he turned his attention back to Alex. She had that look again that meant that she was thinking and wanting to ask him something. "Go 'head, ask."

Alex looked around and shrugged her shoulders as she said, "It doesn't seem like you come here often, yet…"

"They know me." When Alex looked back at him, Bobby looked around before explaining, "The owner, he, uh…_We_ have…mutual acquaintances."

Alex raised her brows. "Mutual acquaintances? Bobby, I know what you do and who you work for, I work for him too; so, stop acting like I don't."

He laughed as she said that, because she was right. "All right, I just thought…you'll be more comfortable without knowing it. I'm more comfortable not thinking about it." His hand released hers as he started to quickly explain. "It was just last minute and-and I, uh, I knew if I came here, I could make it…special. They'll treat us, you, well because you're with me. If you want to leave--"

"Bobby," Alex cut him off as she took his frantically moving left hand and held it tightly in hers. "I don't want to leave. I'm not upset, I understand. This is a nice place. So what if the owner knows Vincennes, they don't do anything illegal here do they?"

Bobby shook his head as he said, "No, they're legit."

"Okay," she reassured him with a smile. "Don't worry about it." Alex leaned over and kissed him before getting up. Bobby quickly stood and reached over to help her scoot the chair back. She looked at him with obvious confusion before saying, "I just have to use the restroom."

Bobby looked toward one of the archways and pointed. "Back there; be, uh…be careful."

Alex smiled at him before turning and walking away from him, toward the restrooms. He watched her walk away, which was very distracting, as he sat back down. He was finally able to breathe once she disappeared from sight.

"Everything okay, sir?"

Bobby nodded at Tom who sat their drinks down on the table.

"Should I wait to take your orders when she comes back?"

"Yeah," Bobby agreed before he took a sip of the wine; letting the flavor distract him from the thoughts he had going through his head, he took another, bigger, sip from the drink before looking up at the waiter. "We haven't really looked at the menus yet."

Tom smiled with amusement as he nodded. "Then I'll give you a couple of minutes after she returns."

Bobby shifted a little uncomfortably in the chair and watched as the waiter walked away. He hadn't looked at much of anything except for Alex all evening and he didn't mind that at all.

Stretching his legs out under the table, he leaned back in the chair and studied a spot in front of him as he ventured off into his thoughts. Alex was proving to be just what he expected, the best thing he could ever hope for. She was funny, intelligent, beautiful, understanding, and she seemed to 'get him', which never happened. His own family didn't 'get him', how could she? But, somehow, she did. And he wanted her to. He wanted her to get inside him, to see who he really was and to be okay with it. He wanted her to stay and never leave. That they could make this work, with all his fears and uncertainties, they could be happy.

Did he want that? Yep. Did it scare him? Deeply. He wondered if she would still be as understanding if she were to meet his mother, or his brother, or learn about his father. Would she still 'get him' when he stopped sleeping because the nightmares became too vivid, or when he got too deep into a suspects head that it took him a couple of days to convince himself that he wasn't really like them? Would she still stay with him if she knew that he could empathize with a murderer, even go to bat for them if he understood that their intent was anything less than sinister?

He felt his heart sink when all he could answer was 'no'. No woman ever did, even when they didn't know, and none of them knew. Relationships came and went and he never let any of the women he had been with see him vulnerable or less than perfect, less than charming, or less than sane. Alex would know, she would see.

"What did I do?"

Bobby blinked back and looked up at Alex. She was standing in front of the table staring down at him with a look of uncertainty and fear in her eyes. He quickly stood and shook his head as he pulled her chair out for her. "You didn't do anything, except…steal my heart," he said it softly, almost to himself as smiled at her. From the look on her face, his charming antics weren't working anymore. _Great, soon she would be immune to it and then what would he have?_ He helped her into the chair and scooted it back closer to the table before taking his seat.

Alex was still watching him with that look as she took a taste of the wine. "You were looking…troubled."

Bobby rubbed at his neck as he tried to think of some way to reassure her that he was fine, they were fine. "I was thinking about this place…and, work…Sorry." He picked up her hand and cradled it in his. It was a gestured he remembered doing a lot with his mom. "The, uh, waiter…Tom, he's going to be back soon to take our orders."

Alex finally looked relieved as she smiled and opened her menu.

For nearly an hour as they ate, Bobby listened as much as he watched Alex go from telling him stories about her time in Vice to topics that interested her. He was amazed at her knowledge of literature when she had told him that she didn't read much.

"I've got to admit," she had told him when he quoted a poem by one of her favorite poets E.E. Cummings. "I've never met a man who's read something other than Sports Illustrated."

Bobby modestly shrugged it off as he explained, "My mother was a librarian. I've…grown-up with books; I appreciate them."

"I bet you don't like the internet and computers then, huh?"

Bobby smiled widely as he shook his head. "Don't know too much about them, no. I'd rather go to a library than look something up on the web."

"They're faster."

Bobby rolled his eyes and sighed heavily like he was annoyed with the idea, and he was.

"Okay," Alex said with a tight nod and smile. "I won't bore you with the details of the new laptop that came on the market that I'm dying to get my hands on."

"No, please, tell. I'm always interested in learning about things I don't know about."

Alex smiled a little before jumping into telling him about the laptop. In his mind he was remembering every detail about it; maybe one day he would surprise her with it. He smiled to himself as the idea took hold. Yep, he was definitely going to buy it for her.

He was a little surprised that she didn't pry much when he gave her one sentence or sometimes one word answers to her questions. And he was shocked to find that even though he enjoyed that, he was slightly disappointed. However, she did want to know if he had actually been in the Army. So, he briefly talked about his experiences in the military, and only got excited when he talked about the traveling he had done.

"You can take a train all the way around Europe?" she asked, interrupting his scattered ramblings about various cities.

"Not…_all_ the way around, I mean, it has certain stops and you have to change trains but…basically, yeah. The European transit system makes New York City look armatures."

Alex looked up at him from the plate of food as she asked with a slight teasing, "You're telling me that when it comes to the mass-transportation of industrial railroads, America falls flat compared to Europe?"

"Yes," he stated firmly before he took a drink of wine. "And I'm not ashamed to admit it. It was so easy to just get up and go. Whenever I was on leave I would take a train to the Netherlands, France…I took the Channel Tunnel from Paris to London and back for a weekend and then to Brussels…I think that was my favorite city."

"Brussels?" she asked incredulously. "Not Paris or London?"

"It's an amazing city, and quiet. It was quieter than Paris or London."

"Big fan of silence?"

Bobby just smiled. "Oh, and the best thing about Germany was the beer. I fell in love with a brand called Kulmbacher Mönchshof Schwarzbier. If you like chocolate and beer, you'll love it."

Alex raised her brows at him and nodded slowly. "Sounds great."

"It is," he shot back matter-of-factly.

Alex was silent for a moment as she finished her food and took a drink from her second glass of wine. "So, what did you take away from the Army? Or learn from it?"

Bobby considered that as he took a long pull of the wine. It was different for everyone. He had known guys who learned about courage or assertiveness; with others it was power or corruption…or both without knowing or understanding the difference. What did he learn? "Humility."

The only time he offered up information about his childhood was when they shared humorous tales about their mutual misguided youths. Well, his was misguided, hers was typical teenage rebellion. He kept it mostly light with only mentioning his parents as an afterthought to the actual story. Alex had looked like she wanted to ask him about them, ask him what they were like or if he had any siblings, but he never went into detail about them.

Maybe that was telling because she started to look sad as he told her about the time he quit playing basketball because he lost his love for the game. He didn't have to say why or how, it seemed like she had an idea.

"I played sports," she suddenly announced when he become extremely, and uncomfortably, quiet. "My dad taught me how to play, and about cars, and how to kick a boy's ass if he tried to take advantage of me."

Bobby leaned closer to her over the table as he said with a soft laugh, "I bet a lot of them _tried_."

Alex smirked and leaned closer to him. "They did, but then I showed them what a firm leg could really do."

Bobby squirmed and shifted in his seat as if he felt the impact of her leg to his manhood. "Ouch."

And so, from there, they ended up getting into a lengthy conversation about cars they've both worked on and what their favorite was. He had to smile when she said hers was a Ford Mustang.

"I've always wanted one," Bobby said as he finished off his second…third, glass of wine. "I think…it might be my next car. I would love to put one together myself and have it be _mine_."

"The Pontiac wasn't yours?"

Bobby shook his head. "Not really, no. I helped with it, but…A bubby of mine was kind enough to lend it to me. I think, uh…I-I think he's pissed at me right now about it." He didn't want to go into further details about that, knowing it would bring up things he wasn't allowed to talk about, so the interruption by the ringing of his cell phone was at first welcomed. That was until he saw who it was from. Frowning down at the display, he answered, "Stan, why--"

"Boss called, I'm to pick you up in ten minutes."

Rubbing at his head, Bobby sighed in frustration and ventured a glance over at Alex. She wasn't looking to happy, but she understood. "What's going on?"

"I don't know; all I know is that it has to do something with Ramirez guys. The boss needs you to _talk _to someone in Queens."

Bobby had no idea what Stan was trying to tell him other than he had to go to Queens in ten minutes. "All right. Bye." He hung up and immediately waved for Tom to come over. "I've got to go," he apologetically told Alex.

She smiled despite the hurt in her eyes. "I know."

Bobby quickly asked for the check once Tom came into a short distance of the table. It didn't take long for the check to arrive. He spotted Alex reaching in her purse. "What do you think you're doing?"

Alex stilled and eyed him. "Paying for half--"

Bobby shook his head as he said, "I don't think so." He tossed enough money down to not only cover the check but to give Tom a pretty sizable tip before standing and helping Alex up. "You should have learned by now that as long as you're with me, you don't pay."

Alex looked ready to protest; he was really starting to dislike that look, but he had to admit she looked cute doing it.

"And don't 'Bobby' me about it neither." He eased the shawl around her shoulders and repositioned his hand on the small of her back as he led her out of the restaurant.

TBC…


	18. Ch17: The Club, The River, Apart pt 1

**A/N: **Thanks again to those who choose to review and to everyone still reading!! Okay, some gritty stuff coming in the next two chapters, just letting you know.

**Enjoy!

* * *

  
**

"Some fucking night, huh, Bobby?"

Bobby glared over at Stan. That was a blatant understatement. Rubbing at his forehead, he tried to relieve some of the pressure that felt seconds away from imploding in his head. The buildings around them seemed to drag on into one big mass of skewed darkness. Lights and colors would momentarily flash in his eyes before he clenched them shut as an electric pain shot from his eyes to the back of his head.

He had felt fine with Alex, being in the restaurant with her, hearing her voice and watching the lights flicker off her eyes as she smiled at him. His headache seemed more tolerable and non-threatening. Now, it was ready to take him to his knees and have him begging from mercy. He yanked on his tie, loosening it from around his neck and unbuttoned the top two buttons of his shirt, helping him breathe a little better.

_Why am I getting so many headaches anyway? And at this intensity?_

Having never experienced having a migraine before he had no idea if that was what he was experiencing now or not, it could be one, but then again…Bobby opened his eyes and focused on the East River as they crossed the bridge into Queens.

As they weaved in and out of streets, heading into the industrial area near the river, Bobby was taken back to when he had dropped Alex off at her apartment. She was looking so sad and yet she knew that nothing could be done. He walked her up to her apartment and kissed her goodnight, telling her that he would see her later on at the club, and if not, then he would call in the morning. Before he turned to leave, Alex unfastened the rose in her hair and tucked it into the breast pocket of his jacket.

"For luck," she told him before taking his mouth into hers and kissing him deeply.

Bobby took the rose out of his jacket pocket and stared at it as his fingers played along the stem and lavender petals. _Luck; let's hope I don't need it._ Pocketing the flower in his pants pocket, he stared out of the windshield as they slowed to a stop in front of a large abandoned shipping warehouse along the river. Just beyond the river was the skyline of Manhattan glowing back at him. How he wished he was there right now instead of looking over at Stan and asking, "Do you by any chance have an extra gun?"

Stan eyed him for a long moment.

"I was on a date, Stan. She…she doesn't like guns," he lied. Bobby was starting to sweat; he could feel the wetness along his back, chest, and on his head.

"Glove box."

Bobby opened the glove compartment and pulled out the standard issue Glock 37. It was a bit heavier than his Beretta, but as long as it had a full clip, he didn't care. Checking the clip and finding it to be full, he cocked the gun and tucked into his pants. "Thanks." If he was to venture into unknown territory, he was going to be armed.

"What'd you usually carry?" Stan asked as they stepped out of the car. At his questioning look, he explained, "You looked slightly disappointed at the gun."

For being a driver, Stan was very vigilante. That knowledge actually comforted him. "Beretta, .9 millimeter, standard military issue."

"Should've figured," Stan said with a smirk.

"Once a solider, always a solider," Bobby half-heartedly said as he shut the door softly so not to disturb his head any further.

"Still doesn't tell me why you don't like the Glock, it's a perfectly good and capable gun."

It seemed that when Stan was nervous he liked to chit-chat. Bobby shrugged a little as he said, "It's just…Okay, my gun was specifically made with a reversible magazine release lever…I'm left-handed, it makes it easier for me to release the clip and reload. I mean, you don't know half the shit I have to go through."

Stan laughed as he shut the driver's side door before checking his own weapon. "Ready to see what the hell this is all about?"

Bobby looked up towards the warehouse before taking in and surveying the area around him. The river front was dark, cold, and empty except for them. A 2000 Lincoln town car was parked closer to a door that was ajar. That was where he and Stan headed. "Did you know that the full size Beretta pistols were specifically designed and manufactured for the military?"

Stan shook his head as they headed for the half-opened door. "Had no idea, I just know that the pigs used to use it."

"Fucking cops didn't start using it until _after_ the Armed Forces adopted it as their official weapon." As he got closer Bobby noticed that a light was on, illuminating a small area outside the door. Glancing over at Stan who just shrugged, his hand tightened on the gun as he stepped closer to the door. _What the hell am I doing here? Why am I not with Alex in her apartment, on her bed, and discovery what was under that damn black dress? _Taking a deep breath, and saying a quick prayer to a God he had lost hope in, he pulled open the door as he lifted the gun.

In the dim light, he spotted two men, both of them with their backs turned to him, and right in the middle was another man who was confined to a chair. Oh…shit, he didn't like this at all. If he was called here for this, that only meant one thing.

Lowering the gun, he tucked it in the back of his pants as he took a deep breath and readied himself. Squaring his shoulders and trying to look as stoic as possible, Bobby stepped up behind the men, into the light, as he stared down at man in the chair. "Gentlemen."

The two men nearly jumped out of their skins. One turned and held a .44 magnum revolver to his head while the other just stared wide-eyed at him. He recognized the two men immediately. They were the two goons Ramirez had with him at the meeting with him a few weeks ago.

In one fast move, Bobby twisted the revolver back and out of Goon Two's hand. He eyed the gun that was now in his right hand. "A Smith and Wesson Model 29? Jesus, Junior, who'd you think you are, Dirty Harry?" Opening the revolver, he let the bullets dropped out onto the floor.

"Hey, what'd you think-"

Bobby tossed the empty gun back to the guy as he walked around to the side of the chair. Seeing Goon Two bending down to collect the bullets, he ordered, "Leave them."

"This isn't your-"

Drawing his gun, Bobby aimed it at the short round Puerto Rican. "Isn't my…what, exactly? If I'm not mistaken," he looked over at Stan with a slight glint of amusement in his eyes. "I was the one called out here. Wasn't I?"

"I think you were," Stan agreed as he tapped his own gun against his leg.

Bobby smiled at the other two men in the room. "Right, so…That means, you two…_morons_ couldn't handle this yourselves, or else, y'know, I wouldn't be here. That only leads me to believe that I'm in charge." At the confused, angry looks of the two Goons, he looked over at Stan. "Am I not speaking clearly, you think? Maybe I should explain in Spanish."

"We get it," Goon One finally answered. He looked over at his friend and shook his head. "Leave the damn bullets."

Bobby dropped his gun as a wave of relief filled him. Inwardly, he was glad that he and Stan were the only ones with a loaded weapon; it made him more at ease. He studied the man in the chair as he tried to figure out what exactly he was going to do, how he was going to take control of this situation.

The man was tied to it by duct tape was bleeding from his nose and bruises were forming over his eyes, face, and from the rumpled clothes probably on his body as well. One nearly swollen eye looked up at him and Bobby could tell that his eyes were green, and they held fear but also a look that scared him the most. Whoever this guy was, he wasn't going to give in to this abuse. He would die first.

Bobby turned back to the two goons and eyed them before taking looks at their hands. Only one of them had bruising on his knuckles, Goon One. "What's your name?"

"Carlos."

Bobby went up to him and stopped right in front of him, causing Carlos to have to look up to see his eyes. They were hard and stern, as was his voice, "Step outside."

"But--" Goon Two tried to interrupt him.

"You too, Harry," Bobby snapped. "Out."

"It's Juan, asshole."

Bobby backed away from Carlos and edged closer to Juan, making the man immediately regret opening his mouth at all. "Asshole? For a man who can't back it up, you have a big mouth."

Juan stared up at him hard with his young brown eyes.

It still struck a nerve with him and angered him when he fully realized just how young these guys really were. Bobby almost wanted to back away, but he had to be in charge of this until he figured out a way to resolve it without somebody dying. He had no idea what that man in the chair did, but he sure as hell wasn't going to watch him get killed over it.

"I don't need a gun," Juan spat out as his hands clenched at his sides.

Bobby knew just by looking at the guy that he could take him to the ground in one punch, but he wasn't going to hit him. And he didn't want to hit him; that would only cause the guy to get angrier. He didn't want him angry; he wanted him at the point where his anger was dissolved in fear. If the guy feared him, he would be less likely to do something stupid. He towered over Juan as he leaned down closer to him and whispered, "Impress me."

He anticipated the swing, catching Juan's right hand in his, he twisted it back behind Juan's back until he felt the bones grind together. His left hand was in and out of his left pocket in seconds before it wrapped around Juan's neck. As he held Juan's squirming body against his, he turned them to face Carlos and Stan who were staring wide-eyed with fear and shock at them.

In his left hand, his fingers held his lighter as his thumb played with the lid, flipping it open and close next to Juan's ear. "Well, that wasn't nearly as impressing as I thought it would be." Bobby bent his head down, forcing Juan to look at him. "Was it?"

"Get off me!" Juan tried to get away from him but his grip was too strong from the young guy.

"He looks impressed," Bobby said as he nodded toward the man in the chair. "In fact, I think he looks…amused. I bet he thinks your funny, Juan. And…_weak_. Wait, I got it, you're embarrassing. You're a pathetic embarrassment, that's what he's thinking. No matter what you do to him now, he'll just laugh at you."

Juan was fuming as the tried to struggle out of his tight hold. "Shut up! And get the off me!"

"He's thinking he's stronger than you," Bobby continued his verbal attack, degrading the man he had clenched in his arms. "You've been beating him for how long, an hour?" he called over to Carlos who was looking more kid-like. He nearly smiled at the timid expression forming on Carlos's face as he watched him struggle with his friend. He leaned down into Juan's ear and asked, "How long has it been, huh?"

Juan didn't say anything as he gave up his struggling as he fumed and puffed against his chest.

Bobby twisted his wrist tighter and higher against his back. "How long?"

Juan yelped as he screamed out, "I'm not…!"

Bobby flipped open his lighter and flicked it, igniting the flame.

Juan visually paled as he tried jerking his head away. "Get it away!"

"How long?"

Juan jerked back hard against him as he brought it closer. "Two! You happy you sick fuck?!"

Bobby found himself laughing. "Two? He's lasted two hours? And you couldn't even hold out for two minutes? No wonder my boss called me out here; you guys are really…uh, what's the word I'm looking for Stan?"

"Worthless."

Bobby let go of Juan's arm and pushed him across the floor toward Carlos. "Worthless."

* * *

Alex fiddled with her car keys as she headed down the stairs. She had changed into her regular working clothes: black heels, pair of blue jeans, tank-top under her zip-up hoodie, and leather jacket. She was feeling slightly uncomfortable with the thought of working tonight without Bobby being there, but she gathered her strength and pushed forward, like always.

She had come to rely on Bobby more than she wanted to admit; his presence also seemed to bring out the best in her and that was something she had never had with a partner before. Even though they weren't official partners, it felt that way sometimes. It scared her at first when she realized that she had wanted that line to be crossed, that she was falling for Bobby. It wasn't intended. There was nothing intentional about the feelings she had toward him or the thoughts that invaded her dreams.

She was still scared, but this time it was different. She was afraid of them ending. At first, she had meant it when she told him that she wanted nothing serious. Then, somewhere along the line, she had found herself not believing those words. Why did she let herself fall for him? Why did he have to be so…perfect?

Blaming Bobby was so easy. He was the most amazing man she had ever known. Joe couldn't even compare to the love she was feeling toward Bobby. And that was really freaking her out. How could she love somebody like that? Her heart was still aching from the hole her husband had left. When she was with Bobby, she didn't feel the hurt, the sadness that seemed to have surrounded her for the two years since. He made everything better, more alive…He made her better.

Sitting in her car and not remembering the walk to it, Alex shook those thoughts from her head. She had to focus. Easing into the street and heading toward the club, she focused on the streets, the other cars, and people walking on the sidewalks. As she got closer to the club, the streets started to blur in her eyes.

Why did he have to be so perfect?

She was reminded of their drive to the restaurant earlier that evening. Bobby taking her hair gently into his hands and clipping the flower in it; the care he took with her to make her feel like she was the most wonderful woman on the planet. The patience and strength he had shown when he held and comforted her and not knowing why…He broke her heart with his kindness.

And she was afraid she would break his one day by leaving.

The tears slid relentlessly down her cheeks as she pulled into the parking lot. Feeling angry and embarrassed at getting that worked up over something that hadn't even happened yet, she wiped furiously at her eyes and cheeks.

Damn, her makeup was smeared. Hearing someone walking up to her car, Alex turned and spotted Maggie easing up to the door. Rolling down the window, she smiled reassuring at the other woman.

Maggie stopped at the door and shook her head. "Oh, Alex, do you want me to kick his ass for you?"

Alex was confused for a moment before she started laughing. "No, it's not like that." She pulled the visor down and checked herself out in the mirror. She was a mess. Digging into her purse she found her makeup but no tissues. "You got any tissues?"

Maggie walked around the car and Alex hit the unlock button to let her slip into the passenger seat. "Sure, sweetie, here you go," she handed her a pack of tissues as she eyed her. "Are you sure you don't want me to kick his ass for you?"

"No, Maggie, but thanks for the offer. But if his ass needs kicking, I'm capable of doing it myself."

* * *

Bobby slid his tie off his neck and tucked it into his jacket pocket. He was feeling like he was seconds from bursting into flames. Grabbing another chair that was upside down on the dusty concrete floor, he dragged it over to where the man was. Straddling the chair, he sat facing the man and looked him over again.

Carlos, Juan, and Stan were all three outside the warehouse. It was just him and this man. "Cigarette," Bobby asked as he took out the pack in his pocket and lighter.

The man eyed him closely for a long second before nodding slowly. Bobby figured it was to not cause his head more pain. He could relate as his head was pounding and feeling like it was trying to cave in on itself. Tapping out two, he tucked one between his lips before placing the other on the man's dry cracking lips. "Bet you're thirsty too, huh?"

The man nodded at that as he leaned forward a little to light the cigarette on the flame.

Bobby flipped the lighter shut and blow out smoke as his mind pushed away the pain and tried to focus on a coherent thought. "What's your name?" He could have easily asked Carlos or Juan what the deal was, but he needed to see and hear it from this man.

"Marc."

Bobby stared at Marc and waited for him to continue.

"Velez…Marc Velez," he answered around the cigarette before he took a long drag off it and nearly coughed it out. "God…my chest…"

Bobby took the cigarette and tapped the ashes off it before placing it back in Marc's mouth. "You need something to drink; I'll be right back."

He got up and headed toward the door, hearing Marc continue to wheeze and cough behind him. Bobby opened the door and stepped out into the cool night air. He spotted the group of men hanging around the cars, talking and laughing over something. As he stepped forward, they all silenced. Stopping in front of the three men, he rubbed at the bridge of his nose with his left hand that held the cigarette. "Uh, anyone have any bottled water with them?"

Carlos rounded the Lincoln and opened the door. In a second he produced a bottle of warm water and handed it to him. "He's talking?"

Bobby nodded a little and took the bottle. He eyed Juan and smiled apologetically. "You okay?"

Juan seemed genuinely confused at his sudden interest in him. "Yeah, fine."

It was something he learned by being one of these guys for a year, after you make someone fear you, you make them respect you. The way you did that was show them respect and care when it was warranted. "I was just making a point, back there. And, well, gaining that guys trust a little. People have a way of dropping their guard when you do that."

Juan seemed like he was actually listening and taking that in as he nodded. "I talked to Mr. Vincennes and our boss…They, uh…they reassured me that you have their trust, and confidence, Sir."

Bobby blinked back and didn't know what to say to that. He was becoming aware of who out of the two of them was supposed to be the leader. Juan gave the orders while Carlos executed them; that would explain why Carlos had been the one to beat Marc while Juan was probably the one asking the questions. "They know I'm…effective."

Juan was looking at Bobby in a way that he had once looked at his mentor. "I want to be effective."

Bobby felt the pressure in his head increase as he took a long pull of his cigarette. Great, that was just what he needed: an admirer.

* * *

The club was loud, stuffy, and packed with customers. Alex was kept busy of hours, not realizing the time was that was flying by. She had called in some guys from Vice and they were waiting outside to take down three men for solicitation; they were the ones pimping out some of the prostitutes outside the club.

Through the loud music and after sliding a shot of rum down to an awaiting customer, she heard the phone ring. "I got it," she called out to Maggie who was getting busy with a waitress. "Alex," she said into the phone.

"Alex, this is Eric, is Bobby there?"

Alex recognized the young kid's voice immediately. "No, he's…out. What's up?"

The tension was unmistakable as he answered her, "Um, it's just…I need Bobby. I'm outside, and…I'm being hassled again."

Alex closed her eyes as she realized what he was talking about. Her guys were threatening to arrest him again. "I'll be right out." She hung up and wondered just what in the hell she was doing as she rounded the bar and headed toward the door. This was Bobby's thing, not hers. Eric was under age and working for Mack…And she was going to let him go.

Pushing the door open and nodding to Dave, she searched around spotted Eric nervously trying to avoid the detectives questioning. What was she doing? Alex eased up behind her guys but kept her eyes on Eric. "Is there a problem?"

Jacobs turned and eyed her with suspicion and confusion as he answered, "Yeah, a huge problem. This kid--"

"Was just leaving," Alex stressed as she crossed her arms and stared hard at Jacobs. She watched as his jaw set tight as frustration built. She had never done this before, given up a criminal for…She didn't even know what. Where was her loyalty? To her guys…To her work, department.

"I think not," Mitchell backed up his partner as he crossed his own arms and eyed her.

Fuck. This was not going well. She could either savage what trust and loyalty she had with her department or destroy it all for…Bobby. Alex didn't see either way being a good, or the right, choice. She was compromising herself and her Job because she had let herself fall in love. Eyeing Eric, she tried to convey that there wasn't much she could do. And there wasn't. "Look, he's a good kid, okay."

Jacobs noticed the change in her and he shifted in his stance, turning back to Eric and leaving her alone. "Good kid, huh? What'd you think?" He looked over at Mitchell.

"I think a night in jail will teach this good kid a listen."

Alex, watching them cuff and haul Eric off, felt a deep sickness burning in the pit of her stomach; it clenched at her heart and made her hands clench in anger. As she stalked off back inside the club, she didn't know if it was from the knowledge that she had let Bobby down, or that she did her job.

* * *

He was getting nowhere. Marc wasn't budging and he kept talking in circles, leading him nowhere. At least now he knew what the deal was.

A couple of days ago Ramirez was expecting a shipment of cocaine in but someone had tipped off the police. Marc, being the new guy, was immediately the first and only suspect to the ambush that resulted in all the crates to being confiscated. The shipment was worth more than a half-million dollars.

Bobby watched as Carlos went at Marc again. There wasn't much he could control at the moment. If he didn't let it happen, they would suspect something was up with him, why he never laid a hand on the guy. He knew it wouldn't help, but he wasn't sure he believed the guy was telling the truth when he said he didn't do it.

That could mean a number of things. Marc could be an informant or…an officer. He had the thought that maybe Marc was an undercover officer and had tipped off the department. If that was it, if Marc was undercover, then he had to find a way to confirm it. He was on his fifth cigarette, abandoning the rule of three a day, as he rubbed at his throbbing head. At hearing a loud bang, his eyes snapped open.

Carlos had hit Marc so hard the chair had tipped over, landing against the floor.

"All right," Bobby announced as he got up off the floor where he was sitting against the wall. "That's enough. Take a break. He's out cold, anyway." He followed the two guys out and gestured for Stan to get out of the car. They huddled around in a small circle as he told them, "It's been hours, so…I know you guys must be tired, hungry. Go and take a break, I'll stay here and watch him."

Juan was nodding in agreement. Ever since there confrontation, he had been hanging onto every word and thing he did. It was like he was studying him. Bobby felt weird about this guy wanting to be like Donovan and it made him deathly aware of how fucked up this mob gang world really was.

Carlos was a little apprehensive though. "Just you two, together…alone?"

Bobby eyed the guy and shrugged, "So. You knocked him out, what's he gonna do? Look, I already ate and I'm fine, but I noticed that you two look…worn and tired. I'm guessing you haven't eaten yet and it's going on," he trailed off as he looked at his watch. _One, just great._ "One, so, get out of here. Call your boss, check in…do whatever. I need to think anyway."

"Think?" Juan asked him.

Bobby nodded. "Yeah, think. Call Vincennes up if you need his okay to let me think," he said a little too sarcastically, making Juan smile. "He knows all about my thinking."

Juan finally started for the car, nudging Carlos with him. "C'mon, man, I'm starving. And he's right, Marc ain't going anywhere."

Bobby looked over at Stan. "You too."

Stan shook his head. "I'm cool, Bobby. Plus, I ate when you were on your date."

His date. God that felt like a day ago. Bobby rubbed at the back of his neck. "Yeah, okay, then, uh, do me a favor. Go get me a coffee, would ya? I'm cold and getting tired myself, and…sexually frustrated," he mumbled to himself as he pulled out his money clip.

Stan was laughing. "I bet you are. Was she mad?"

Bobby pulled out enough for him and Stan both to get a coffee and more. "What'd you think? Of course she was. This wasn't how I pictured this night going, that's for sure." Giving the money to Stan, he nodded his thanks before turning and heading back toward the entrance to the warehouse. "Take your time."

"Hey, Bobby?"

Bobby stopped and faced Stan, waiting for him to continue.

"You're not going to…ya know, do _stuff _to him while we're gone are you?"

Bobby froze at the implication of what that meant. Who the hell did they think Donovan was? He was messed up, but not _that_ messed up. "Just, get me a damn coffee, would ya? I'm not _that_ sexually frustrated. Besides," he started to say off-handedly as he turned around and started walking, "he's not my type."

Stepping into the warehouse and seeing the unconscious man on the floor, Bobby had a deep sickness burning in the pit of his stomach. As he stalked closer to the where the man was lying on the floor, he didn't know if it was from the knowledge that he was letting this man down, or that he was doing his _Job_.

TBC…


	19. Ch18: The Club, The River, Apart pt 2

**A/N: **Thanks again to those who choose to review and to everyone still reading!!

**Enjoy!

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Using the last of the warm water that was in the bottle, Bobby splashed it on Marc's face, waking him up. The battered man tried to blink his eyes open but the swelling was threatening to close them up. He walked around to the back of Marc and helped him up along with the chair.

He heard Marc cough and take deep, painful breaths that heaved and shook his whole body. Hearing and seeing the man like that made Bobby feel like he was failing, and that thought twisted hard at his heart that clenched in his chest. He wanted to apologize, but he knew that wasn't an option. The only thing that he could do, the only apology that mattered was getting Marc out of there alive, guilty or not, this wasn't right.

Sitting heavily in the chair, still straddling it, Bobby rested on his folded arms that wrapped around the back of the chair. He visually checked the cuts and noticed that none were deep or bleeding profusely. Marc's eyes, from what he could tell, weren't dilated and his skin wasn't pale. "Tell me your name."

Marc closed his eyes as he said, "You know it." His voice was thick with strained pain.

"Just…tell me your name," Bobby demanded more than he asked.

Marc swallowed hard before he answered, "Marc," he swallowed hard again, trying to clear his throat. "Velez."

Bobby rubbed at his head as he let out a breath of relief. There were no signs of a concussion; Marc's words weren't slurred and he seemed coherent, remembering his name. "Good, that's…" he trailed off as he nodded.

"You're…concerned, for me?"

Bobby glanced up and tried to read Marc's eyes through the dark red blotches surrounding his eyes. "I…I don't want to hurt you." He lowered his eyes to the floor as he mentally pushed past the pain that was coursing through his head as he started to chuckle softly. Lighting another cigarette, he knew he was pushing it, feeling his chest start to heave a little as he took the first puff. This stress was going to kill him, cave his chest right in. "That's funny, isn't?" he asked as he stopped his mindless laughter. "I was called out here to, uh…" he flipped his lighter open and close, a nervous habit and one that he generated over the long year of being undercover. He noticed Marc was watching it intently as he did so; fear was starting to inch its way into the man's eyes. "Anyway," he shifted the subject off that as he realized he was about to give Marc a heart attack. And from what he did to Juan earlier, he wasn't surprised. "I don't want to."

"Why don't you?"

It was an easy enough question, and also an interesting one if he were in Marc's position he would be confused too. "Wouldn't get me what I want. You've held out this long, took every punch like a man. No, you'd rather die, right? Rather die than tell me what you've done." Bobby glanced over his shoulder toward the door before returning his attention back to Marc. "We're alone here, so…I just wanted to be honest with you. Explain some things."

Marc shifted his eyes to the door then back; as he processed that, he shifted in his seat, pulling at the tape a little. He was growing more and more nervous and afraid by the second.

Bobby huffed out a laugh as he blew out smoke. "Doesn't this remind you of that, uh, that scene in 'Reservoir Dogs'…You ever see that movie?" He watched as Marc nearly pale as his eyes became wider, darting around the warehouse. Laughing at the response he got, he continued, "I mean, here we are, just the two of us, stuck here…" he grinned as Marc visibly flinched. "I'm the, y'know, whack-job _gansta_…and uh, you're…you know, the cop."

At that Marc stilled and swallowed hard as his eyes blinked rapidly. Bobby smiled, he had him. "I'm…not…" He was giving off more tells than Bobby could count. Shifting in his seat, eyes blinking rapidly, swallowing hard, and increase in breathing.

Bobby smiled wider. "You're not a good liar. Don't worry, I'm not gonna…" he waved his hand around toward the side of Marc's head. "…_hurt_ you. Or tell." He mocked putting his finger up to his mouth as he said, "Shhhh, our secret."

As soon as he dropped his finger from his mouth, Bobby bolted from the chair and walked around the back of Marc so he couldn't be seen. He was sure that Marc was freaking out, not being able to see what he was doing behind him, but he continued to walk until he pushed open the other door; it was the back door which led right up to the water front.

Another cop…He breathed out into the cool air as he leaned against the railing separating him from the East River. Distorted lights from the city reflected off parts of the water as the wind blew around him. Taking one last drag off the cigarette, he flicked into the river and immediately regretting it. Staring down below him, he couldn't see the water. It was a black abyss of nothingness.

If he leaned over a little more he would fall right over side…That would suck. What would really suck is if they decided to throw Marc right over the edge, with his hands and feet still tapped…Being faced with drowning to death would be horrible.

Bobby blinked back at the water and straightened. Actually, that wouldn't be a bad idea. He walked back into the warehouse. Marc's head jerked around as the door slammed closed behind him.

"Y-you're going to kill me?" Marc asked as his voice strained with fear.

Walking around Marc, Bobby grabbed up the chair he had been sitting in and turned it around. Banging the legs of the chair harder on the floor, he sat down facing Marc and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. Shaking his head back-and-forth, he said, "I told you, I'm not going to hurt you."

"But…But, they are? You're gonna let them."

Bobby rubbed at his jaw as he worked out in his head exactly what he was going to do. Resting his hand against his mouth, he breathed out and shook his head again. "You don't…_listen_ very well, do you? I told you, our secret. And it'll remain our secret as long as you answer my questions."

Marc stared at him in bewilderment; he had no idea what was going on.

"So, what else did you tell them?" Bobby asked. "Huh?" He leaned in closer as Marc looked away. Tilting his body sideways, catching Marc's eyes, he snapped his figures in front of his face. "Hey, hey! What else? C'mon, I'm trying to help you here."

"Help me," Marc gritted out. "If I don't answer you, you'll have them kill me. Some help you are."

Bobby stayed bent sideways staring hard at Marc until he finally looked at him. "Yeah, you're right. I can't help you. But I have two options, sit here and watch them beat the shit out of you and then kill you or…tell you how you can help yourself. Which is it?"

Marc tried to read him; his eyes searched his for a long moment before he blinked and looked away again. "Go to hell."

_Why won't he listen?!_ There was only so much Bobby could take, and right then, in that desperate situation, he snapped. Gripping Marc up by the shirt, he brought him right out of the chair. Kicking the chair away, he held the man up in the air as he stalked toward the back wall. With an aggravated grunt, he slammed Marc against the wall, pinning him in place with his throbbing forearms. "What else did you tell them? Another shipment, a deal…What was it?"

Whatever it was the Marc saw in his eyes made him pale as he stammered out, "Mon-Monday, I-I told them about Monday."

Bobby searched his memories and didn't know anything about anything happening on Monday. "Monday…Something's happening Monday with Ramirez guys?"

Marc frantically nodded as some color came back to his face. "Th-they have a-another shipment and deal both."

Seeing that Marc was telling him the truth, Bobby lowered him to the floor. He watched as Marc's legs gave up on him once his feet touched and he stammered to the side and fell to the floor. "All right," he said as he rubbed a sweaty hand across the back of his hot neck.

"How's that supposed to help me live," Marc spat from where he was on the floor. "Huh?"

Bobby backed away from the frustrated man. He could feel that frustration, though his felt ten times stronger, angrier. The air in the warehouse was getting thicker and heavier to breathe in as he paced the floor. Kicking at the chair and sending it flying across the floor, he tried to relieve some of the tension pulsing through his body and head.

_The only way to do this is to buy Marc a few days. After Sunday, it'll be over anyway. I have to divert the attention from Marc to someone else. Some…temporary fall guy or...He could use Mike Culpepper. The guy was an informant and he was in jail. It would take a while for them to track down where Mike was._

"Okay," Bobby breathed out. He picked up the chair Marc was sitting in and placed it back where it was. Helping Marc to his feet, he pulled him back over to the chair. Marc's body suddenly felt heavy in his arms. Hearing Marc hiss in pain, he wondered how exactly he was able to lift this man completely off the ground like he did. It had to be the adrenaline. After depositing Marc in the chair, he continued, "The only way to do this, is to see if you're lying or not."

Marc went to shake his head but Bobby stopped him.

"Marc," Bobby's voice was tight and curt as he stared down at the man from behind the chair. He was leaning sideways over the chair as his left hand gripped the back of it. "You will do this. You will do everything I say, understood?"

Marc swallowed hard as he searched his eyes and nodded.

"Good." Bobby pushed off the chair and went over to his chair that he had kicked across the floor. Picking it up, he sat it back down in front of Marc and sat down hard in it. Taking off his jacket, he tossed it over the back of it before he started to unbutton his sleeves and roll them up. He was burning up and sweat was socking through his black t-shirt and onto his dress shirt. "Okay, here's what's going to happen. When I ask you about this again," he held up a hand cutting Marc off. "I'll ask you about this again when we have the other guys here. When I do that, you'll tell me that you weren't the one to rat. Instead, you were running your mouth around a friend of yours, a man named Mike Culpepper. Repeat it," he ordered.

Marc shrugged out, "Mike Culpepper, I got it."

Bobby rubbed at his head as he tried to focus. "You and, uh…Mike were talking, you let it slip about the shipment…and you mentioned something about Monday, but not a time or a place. Mike must have informed the cops. Did you get all of that?" He eyed Marc with a glare as the guy nodded. "Just, say that, nothing else…Let me handle the rest. Okay?"

"Okay." Marc looked hesitant about saying something.

"What?"

Marc shifted his eyes off him and softly asked, "Wh…What's going to happen to me?"

Bobby eyed him and he desperately wanted to tell him that nothing was going to happen to him. That after Sunday, his worries would be over. That he was a cop too and he could trust him with his life…He said none of that. "Depends. I'm going to send you into the Lion's Den come Monday. From there, either our guys kill you, or…the cops kill do."

Off in the distance, he heard a car pull up. Bobby glanced over towards the door before looking back at Marc. "Just wait for me to ask you before speaking." He got up and tilted his head at Marc. "We need to fix this…" he trailed off just before he kicked Marc's chair over sideways.

Marc and the chair went tumbling to the floor, hitting it with a loud 'crack'.

"You're supposed to be unconscious, act like it," Bobby told him as he walked toward the door.

* * *

Alex took a break, letting Ashley Townsend help Maggie at the bar. She slipped out the back door as she pulled out her cell phone. The idea of calling Bobby was pulling at her with both fear and need. She wanted to call him; her worry about whether he was okay or not was nearly driving her insane. At the same time, she dreaded it. Before she realized it, she had called and was holding the phone up to her ear.

It went straight to voice-mail. Alex sighed in relief and frustration. She didn't want to tell him about Eric over the phone, nor in person. She didn't want him to know about it at all, but she had to say something. "Hey, Bobby, its Alex…Um, when you get this please call me back. It's important."

Staring at the phone once she hung up, Alex felt disappointed that he didn't answer. She wanted to hear his voice; it would be proof that he was in fact okay, that he wasn't in any danger. She knew that would be a lie no matter what, as cops they were always in danger.

Alex just couldn't get the image out of her head about the night Joe was killed and what he had been doing. It had destroyed her, tore her nearly in two. Now she was with Bobby. Why did she put herself through this, another relationship with a cop? And a Narcotics cop at that; it was stupid.

What was she doing to herself? What would she do if Bobby didn't come back?

Pocketing the phone, and pushed down the emotions that were trying to take over, she turned and went back into the club.

* * *

Stan was walking back toward him after he had checked on Marc. "Still out cold."

Bobby took a long drink off the coffee that warmed him up. His sleeves were rolled up to his elbows, and his jacket was still slung over the back of the chair in the warehouse. The night air was cool, but not nearly cold enough to make him freeze. It actually felt good against his hot skin. "The more I think about him and how I can get him to talk, the angrier I'm getting."

Stan stopped in front of him and waited.

"I'm…I'm thinking of finally showing him what my rage can do."

At that, Stan visibly flinched and looked nervous. "I can only imagine what you've come up with. I've heard stories, y'know…about you and things you've done."

Bobby blinked back and smirked. "I wonder how much is true and how much is a load of shit."

Stan laughed and shrugged. "We could play twenty questions, but…" he nodded toward the road.

Bobby turned his head and watched as the Lincoln pulled off the main road and into the parking lot. "Times up." He leaped off the hood of the car and finished off his coffee.

The Lincoln parked and seconds later, Juan and Carlos got out and nodded toward them. Juan called out to him, "You done thinking?"

Bobby smiled and headed toward the warehouse. He entered first, followed by Juan, Carlos, and Stan bringing up the rear.

"How're we gonna wake him?" Carlos asked as they came to a stop in front of the man on the floor.

Squatting down next to Marc, Bobby tilted his head as he thought about it. He knew Marc was really awake, unless he did pass-out again. _How to do this?_ He was supposed to be 'unleashing his rage' on this man. Pulling out his lighter, he flipped it open as he quietly uttered an apology as he lifted a weightless arm in his hand.

As soon as the flame was against Marc's skin, his eyes flew open as he bellowed a scream that echoed through the warehouse; it was so loud they probably heard it across the river.

Bobby dropped the arm, pocketed the lighter and then grabbed Marc up in much of the same way he had done earlier. Bringing the chair up with him, he sat Marc down heavily in the seat before releasing him. Taking a quick glance around, he spotted a multitude of looks being thrown his way; there was admiration from Juan, restrained fear from Carlos, and amusement coming from Stan. He started to walk in a small circle in front of Marc as he rubbed at the back of his neck. "How're you feeling?" he suddenly asked, breaking the silence that had engulfed the room.

Marc didn't answer him as he looked at the other people who were in front of him.

Bobby stopped his mindless wandering and stepped closer to Marc. Bending down, he caught Marc's eyes and brought his attention back to him. "Well?"

Marc swallowed hard and nodded a little as he answered, "Fine."

He started laughing as he straightened. "Fine?" Bobby looked over at Juan and Carlos as he continued to chuckle softly. "Fine, after you," he pointed to Carlos, "beat him unconscious. He's…_fine_. Are you not scared of death, Marc?" he asked as he started to pace back-and-forth in front of him, much like a caged animal. That was what he was starting to feel like, letting that anger and rage build in him as he fully took on the part of Donovan.

Letting this part of him out always scared him. Sometimes he wondered if he would ever let himself fall to deep, losing the control that kept him from slipping into the depths that he always feared would overtake him. That depth that held the fear that one day he would end up just like his mother, or his father.

Marc shifted in his seat; he was either annoyed or wondering why he was taking his time getting to what they had planned. "Not really."

"'Cause you think…uh, we won't do it? Or that it doesn't matter if you talk or not, we'll kill you either way?"

Marc shrugged out, "Guess…both. It doesn't matter. I'm dead. So, why should I talk?"

Bobby nodded, looking around he stated simply, "He has a point. Why should he?"

Juan frowned in confusion as he looked at him then over at Carlos. "I don't…What are you doing--"

"I wonder," Bobby cut him off as he dug into his jacket pocket that was slung over the chair. He pulled out his tie and twisted one end around his right hand, the other around his left. "I wonder," he continued, "how much…fear of death I have to put in you before you, uh…retract it?"

Marc eyed the tie that was wrapped in his hands as he asked, "Retract it?" he asked confused.

Bobby smirked. "Yeah, you're not afraid, right? I bet you are…I bet, I can _get you_," he stepped closer to Marc and bent down so he was whispering next to his ear, "to _fear_ it." His arms shot out and wrapped the tie around Marc's neck. He rounded the chair and yanked the man up on his feet as he pulled him toward the back door.

Marc's legs were moving quickly backward as he tried to keep up with him as he choked on the tight strangle from the tie.

Pushing the back door open with his body, Bobby yanked Marc hard around him, letting go of one side of the tie, he threw him against the railing before descending upon him. "Do you think the tape will slip off in time for you to swim to the surface?" he asked as he shoved Marc nearly over the side of the rail.

Marc was staring wide-eyed at him as his feet came off the ground. "Ah! Oh, God, put me down!" He looked over his shoulder and down at the dark water.

Bobby shook his head as he shoved him harder, tilting the man over the side. "Death seems pretty intimate and immediate now, huh? I bet you don't want to drown, do you, Marc?"

Marc's head whipped around as he trembled in his hands. "Please, don't…"

"Talk to me." Bobby let Marc tilt a little more down. The jerking motioned cause Marc to freeze against him. "You're getting really heavy."

"Put me down!" Marc demanded as he looked back down at the water. His body was trying desperately to stay in his hands and on top of the rail. As he turned his eyes to him, Bobby could see that in that moment Marc wasn't sure if he was actually going to save him or not.

"Maaarrrrccc," Bobby drawled out the name before calmly telling him, "You're slipping." He pushed him a little more over the edge.

"Okay, okay, I'll talk! I tell you everything!" Marc promised as he paled a little.

Bobby pulled him up and let him drop down to the concrete ground. He looked up, out across the water at Manhattan as he waited for Marc to stop his trembling body. He really did put the fear of death into the man.

It took a couple more minutes, but soon Marc had told them everything that Bobby had told him to. Bobby barely listened as in his mind he already jumped to what he was going to do next. Once Marc was done, he nodded and looked around at the other men. "You believe him?"

Juan shrugged and shook his head. "I…"

Bobby looked at him and reassured him with a nod. "Go 'head."

Juan shifted in his stance at having his full attention. "I don't know. It sounds good…but--"

"You weren't expecting it," Bobby filled in as he agreed. He saw the same agreement on the faces of Carlos and Stan. "What would you suggest," he asked Juan, making everyone look at him in shock.

Juan looked around at everyone as he thought about it. "He could be lying. I mean, I don't want to walk into a trap on Monday. Should, uh, should we call Ramirez and see what he suggests?"

"Yeah, okay, call him," Bobby told him as he helped Marc off the ground and pushed him back into the warehouse.

* * *

Alex glanced at the clock again. It was nearly four in the morning. The club had closed half an hour ago but Mack was still up in his office. It wasn't that unusual, sometimes he stayed until five or six. She closed out her register and turned to go out back to see if she could get a hold of Bobby again when she saw the back door open.

Emerging through the dark hallway was Bobby, the driver she had met earlier, and another man whose hands was bound behind him and was barely conscious. Bobby looked seconds away from collapsing, yet his jaw was flexing with so much tension she didn't know if he could even speak without prying his jaw apart. His hair was wet most likely from the sweat that was soaked through his dress shirt; his jacket was MIA, probably lying in the car.

She took a hesitant step forward, catching his attention. Her breath caught as Bobby's eyes locked onto hers; they looked worn and defeated. Bobby barely shook his head at her before he took hold of the beaten man's arm and led him up the stairs toward the office.

As Bobby disappeared into Mack's office, Alex felt her stomach twist and turn as that sickening rushed through her. She had so many questions and worries clouding her emotions that it was hard to stay standing. Looking around, she made sure Maggie was busy with cleaning before slipping into the back rooms. Shutting the locker room door, she leaned against it and tried to slow her breathing.

* * *

He closed the office door and turned to face Marc. Stepping up to him, Bobby eased him down into the seat and finally turned to address his boss who was leaning forward on the desk. "I'm staying in here."

Mack's stare was unwavering as he told Stan, "Leave us."

Stan quickly left the room, leaving Bobby, Marc, and Mack alone in the room. Bobby stayed standing, leaning slightly against the back of the chair so not to fall over. It was all he could do to keep his focus on what was happening around him.

Mack leaned back in the chair, giving him his full attention. "Why didn't you kill him?"

"It wouldn't have been in…our best interest to kill him," Bobby stated firmly and as steady as he could. His chest was pounding and his temper was on edge from having a fight with Carlos and Juan as he tried to leave the dock with Marc.

"Tony called me, he instructed his men to _kill_ him. He was in--"

"If he and his…boys were the ones in charge then why send me out there! Why? Just to make sure they pulled the trigger!" Bobby took a deep breath and gripped the back of the chair. His head bent down as his chest heaved in a near strangled breath.

"Bob?" Mack voice was concerned and closer.

Bobby peered up and spotted Mack moving toward him, a look of worry on his otherwise calm face. "I'm okay, just…tired…'nd frustrated." Rubbing at his head, he pushed away from the chair and paced the floor.

"Are you sure? Bob, you're pale and sweating like a horse."

Bobby felt the heat on the back of his neck as he rubbed harder. "I…might be coming down with something, but…It's nothing." He stopped his pacing as his legs grew heavier to lift. "Mack, look, I-I told you what I think should be done. If he is a fucking Narc or informant, he _talked_ to me; nobody likes a rat, not us, and not the cops. So either way, he's dead. But, until then, we can use what he knows to our advantage. Where's the harm in sitting on him 'til Monday? We wait, see what happens, then decide what to do with him from there. It's the best way, the only way. If we kill him now, we lose what he knows, what he can tell us. He might have told them more…Can we afford not to know that?"

Mack glanced over at Marc as he asked him, "And you're sure he'll continue talking to us, to you?"

Bobby nodded. "He broke…I got him to break. I can get him to do anything I want him to do."

Mack walked back to his desk, keeping an eye on Marc as he did so. Sitting down, he gave him one last look before nodding. "Alright, take him home. I'll call Tony, tell him this is what we're going to do, and have him send someone over to watch him. Then…you go home and take care of yourself. Take tonight off. I want you in top form on Sunday. You hear?"

Bobby breathed out a little as he nodded. "Yes, Sir."

"Good." Mack pulled open a drawer as Bobby helped Marc to his feet. "Here," he tossed a small bank bag to him.

This time Bobby didn't have to ask what was in it. It was money for a 'job well done'. "Thanks," he muttered as he pushed Marc toward the door.

Stan was waiting for them just outside the door. "So?"

"We're taking him home." Bobby led Marc down the stairs and turned to Stan who was behind him. "Take him to the car; I need to speak to Alex."

Stan gave him a wink and grin as he took Marc by the arm.

Bobby waited until the back door was closed before looking around the club. Maggie was trying to act like she wasn't watching him as she mopped the floor behind the bar. He didn't see Rick but he heard his voice coming from behind the stage area. "Maggie, where's Alex?"

Maggie looked up at him as she motioned toward the back rooms. "And if you hurt her again, I'm kicking your ass," she threatened him before going back to cleaning.

Bobby eyed her as confusion set in. _What's she talking about? What happened here tonight? _He shook his head as he walked through the kitchen area and up to the locker room door that was closed. Tapping lightly on it, he asked, "Alex?"

The door was pulled open and as soon as he spotted Alex's worried yet beautiful face, Bobby fell against the door-frame and closed his eyes. "I'm sorry," he mumbled barely above a whisper.

He felt her smooth arms slide around his neck, pulling him down into a tightly suffocating embrace. His body trembled as he warred with himself between giving in and collapsing into her or holding his control and stay standing against the door-frame. Alex's hands caressed up the back of his head and then pulled it down onto her shoulder. Breathing in deeply against her neck, her scent rocked his senses and the control that had been on edge all night.

That was when he gave up. His arms wrapped around her, pulling her closer to him as his body swayed in hers. He wouldn't let himself fall but it was hard to keep his legs locked in fear that if he bent them, even slightly, he would. She was so warm, and strong. He was certain if he did give up all his strength that she could actually hold him up. "I'm sorry," he told her again, not knowing why.

She seemed to know that because she didn't say anything as she kept holding him, stroking her fingers through his hair.

He had realized that she had never seen him like this before, completely vulnerable and weak. It was unnerving and it scared him, but he was too tired to care. His mind was too confused and hurt too much to concentrate on anything else except her hold on him, her scent, her soft shoulder, soothing hands and fingertips, and warm body… "Tell me…" Bobby mumbled into her shoulder before swallowed hard, clearing his tensed throat. "Tell me, that…I'm a good man."

Alex moved then, pulling his head up. His forehead rested against hers. "You're burning up," she told him instead. "Your head's--"

"Please, Alex," his voice sounded slurred as he asked again, "Tell me." Bobby finally opened his eyes, staring right into hers. "I need to…need to hear it," his voice broke a little, startling the both of them. "…I, sometimes…I forget."

Alex stared up into his eyes as she held his face between both her hands. After a moment of searching his eyes, she leaned up and kissed him. When she pulled away, she told him softly, "You're a good man."

He knew she meant it. Bobby swallowed hard as he closed his eyes again, letting that settle in his troubled mind. Nodding slowly and softly against her forehead, he whispered, "Okay. I've, uh…I've got to go."

Alex's hands gripped the side of his shirt as he went to turn around. "Hey."

Bobby kept his eyes on the floor as he stilled, but he tilted his head slightly to let her know he was listening.

"I'm…Are you going home, when you're done?"

Bobby nodded a little, feeling the vibration of the movement in his head.

"I'll go home and get some things then I'll go to your place. That okay?"

Bobby felt the small smile on his lips as a he nodded again. She was a wonderful, amazing woman. He leaned down and kissed her quickly and softly. "Thanks." Turning, he slowly made his way out of the club and into the morning air.

TBC…


	20. Ch19: Double Dose of Reality

**A/N: **Sorry for the wait in updating! I haven't had a lot of time to write, but I'll do my best to get more chapters up soon. Thanks again to those who choose to review and to everyone still reading!!

**Rated M!**

**Enjoy!**

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Stan didn't stay with him while he waited for one of Ramirez guys to arrive at Marc's apartment. On the way up the stairs to the apartment, Bobby nearly had to carry the man into the apartment. Marc was so out of it that during the walk up the stairs to the third floor he slipped into unconsciousness leaving Bobby having to pull him the rest of the way.

He dropped Marc onto the couch as his chest heaved from the strain; catching his breath, Bobby searched around to find something to cut the tape that still bound Marc's hands. He had wanted to take them off when he took the tape off his legs, but Stan said he didn't want Marc's hands free while he was in his car. That anything could happen.

On the coffee table, he spotted a switchblade knife and picked it up. Pressing the release button, the dagger blade popped out of the top. _Nice._ Turning Marc onto his side, Bobby cut the tape that was twisted and wrapped so thick that there was no way he could have undid it with just his hands.

"Thanks." Marc's voice sounded painful; it was just a whisper and it sounded rough, like he hadn't talked in years.

Bobby took Marc in his left arm again, helping him to stand. "Bedroom?"

Marc barely lifted a arm as he pointed down the hallway.

Bobby took him to the bedroom and Marc literally crashed in the bed as soon as they were close enough to it. "Uh," he asked as he held up the knife. "Where--"

"Keep it," Marc told him as he looked up at him. At seeing the frown from Bobby's confusion on his face, he explained, "A friend…I saved his life, that was a gift. You…" his voice shook a little. He swallowed hard as he looked away from him, staring at the floor. "You…saved mine." It was said so softly that Bobby had to strain to hear it. "Keep it, as a gift."

Bobby wanted to protest, but as soon as his mind thought of something to say Marc was already asleep. Fingering the switchblade, he opened and closed it several times as he took in what Marc had told him. He realized the amount of stubborn pride Marc had to push away to not only tell him that but to give him such a valued gift, a gift that he was giving to a man that, for all Marc knew, was a criminal…a killer.

Slipping the knife into his pocket, Bobby left the room and went to the kitchen.

Thirty minutes later, and after two cups of coffee, Bobby woke Marc up and came face-to-face with the angered irritation from a man half-dead. He finally got Marc to sit down on the toilet in the bathroom. For ten minutes, he cleaned up his cuts, applied cream and bandages where needed, and then gave him some Tylenol with a warning that he was going to wake him again one more time before he left.

"I don't have a concussion," Marc bitterly told him before he swallowed the pills.

Bobby didn't care; he wanted to be absolutely sure. So far, Marc didn't show any signs of one. He was acting paranoid, that he knew, but he couldn't help it. It wouldn't have mattered to him if Marc was a cop or not, he would have taken care of him no matter what. Marc was seriously injured and in a great amount of pain; as he helped him back to the bed, Bobby didn't think he could do enough to make this right. There was nothing he could do that would ease Marc's pain, both physically and mentally.

_God, I hope he gets through this. I'll gladly tell him the truth one day, maybe over a beer. _As Bobby stared down at Marc, he shook his head. _I'll never use violence again. _Even though he wasn't the one to inflict those injuries, he felt responsible for them. While he watched Marc flinch in his sleep, he was reminded of all the times he had to use his fists instead of his words, his mind. There was no reason for it, that kind of brutality. _Never again, no matter what. _

Once he was satisfied that Marc was going to be okay if he left him alone, Bobby slowly padded his way into the living room and collapsed into the recliner. Slumping back, he stared up at the ceiling as his head spun and the dark shadows in the room caved in on his vision.

Moments later, there was pounding in his head. It throbbed and radiated through his whole body. Barely opening his eyes, he heard the pounding again but this time it was louder. Focusing on the source of the pounding, he realized that it was coming from the door. He pushed himself up off the chair, stretched, and then opened the door.

Bobby spotted a man he didn't recognize. "Who're you?"

The man frowned and went to push his way through the door. "I'm Ed; I work for Ramirez."

Bobby was too tired to try and demand proof. Who else would show up anyway? "C'mon in." He held the door open as he let Ed in. "What'd Tony tell you?" he asked; he wanted to make sure that they were given the same instructions.

"I'm to stay here, watch this guy, do nothing really. Tonight, I'm to be relieved by someone else and the cycle continues." Ed shrugged out as he told him, "Easy pay."

Bobby rubbed at his eyes as he nodded a little; he went down the hall to the bedroom. Shaking Marc awake, he checked his pupils again and they weren't dilated. The red swelling was now turning black and blue. He winced as Marc winced when he checked his eyes and forehead. "You're 'kay, go back to sleep."

"Thanks, Bobby," Marc slurred as his eyes slid close. "You have it?"

"Have what?" Bobby asked as he stopped at the door.

"The knife. I mean it, take it…It's yours."

Bobby glanced behind him and saw that Ed was still in the living room, lounging on the couch. Walking back over to the bed, he leaned down close to Marc. He stared into his barely open eyes, and with as much reassurance as he could gather, he told him, "You'll be okay, Marc. I promise you that."

He knew Marc believed him; for the first time, Marc looked at him with nothing in his eyes but gratitude.

* * *

The morning sun was pouring through his windows by the time he slipped into his apartment. It was cold in his apartment from the drop in the temperature last night and it felt good against his sensitive hot skin. He slung his suit jacket over a kitchen chair as he went to prepare the coffee machine. Opening the lid, he realized that it was already full with water.

It took him a moment to remember that Alex said that she was coming over. _Bless that woman_. He smiled as he left the kitchen and headed toward the bedroom. He slipped his shoes off in the living room, unbuttoned his dress shirt as he headed down the hallway and had it off by the time he walked into the bedroom.

The left side of his bed was occupied with Alex's short thin frame; her blond hair was sprawled over the pillow, and that was all he could see. She had the covers up over her head, blocking out the cold air. After tossing his shirt into the corner along with his pants, he pulled back the covers and slowly as he could so not to wake Alex, slid in next to her. Tugging his socks off, he tossed them into the dirty clothes pile too before he got comfortable spooning up behind her warm sleeping body.

Pulling Alex close to him, Bobby breathed her in as he relaxed his whole body against hers. It didn't take long before he was drifting into sleep.

* * *

Alex had known when he arrived home. She heard the door open and then close, she had heard and felt him as he walked into the room, and she had felt him behind her as he pulled her close and held her as he fell asleep. An hour of marveling in his presence, his warmth, and soft breathing against her neck, she had managed to slip out of the bed.

She went to the bathroom first before going into the kitchen and filling a glass with water. It was a little after ten in the morning as she finished off the water and turned on the coffee machine. The timer was set for eleven and that wasn't good enough for her. She needed coffee soon…now, five minutes ago.

Going back into the bedroom, she pulled off Bobby's shirt that she was wearing—no longer needing it for added warmth—and slipped back in next to Bobby. Closing her eyes, she tried to drift back into sleep.

It was not even an hour later when she heard him again. Alex was up in a second. This time, Bobby was turned away from her, making her feel cold and empty, as he drew in a strangled breath that he choked out. He was huddled in a fetal position around himself with his arms wrapped tightly around his impossibly long legs; he was shaking uncontrollably as his chest heaved to take in all the air it could.

"Bobby," Alex spoke softly as she put a hand on his forehead that was covered with sweat.

Bobby jerked away from her hand. "No," he grunted out of his tight jaw.

Alex could hear his teeth grinding as his muscles flexed. His eyes were still close, and from the way his eyes darted around behind them, she knew he was dreaming. "Bob--"

"No!" Bobby's voice cracked as he folded in deeper on himself, startling her. "St-stop, stop…stop," he choked out the trembling whispers against his knees.

Alex froze, realizing that this wasn't just a vivid dream, but a very disturbing nightmare. Fear and worry sparked in her as she tried to wake him. She didn't know what else to do. As her hands felt the black t-shirt he was still wearing, she noticed how wet it was. Her fears got worse as she shifted next to him and felt that the sheet under him was wet too. Checking his trembling lips, they were cracked. He was horribly dehydrated, but at least he was no longer burning up.

"Bobby," she tried again; her voice was louder as she shook him. "Wake up, it's just a dream." Alex willed him awake as she looked down at his still tightly clenched eyelids.

Bobby turned completely away from her as his mumbling got softer and quicker; she couldn't make out a word he was saying but from the flinching and contortion of his face in pain, she knew it was bad. His arms shot up from his legs and wrapped around his head, blocking her from seeing his face.

Alex fought back tears as she continued to try and wake Bobby; she had never seen anything like this before. She had heard of people having nightmares, or night terrors, but had never witnessed it first hand. Seeing it happen to Bobby, it was breaking her heart. This man was so strong and yet so gentle, that seeing him in this much pain was ripping her heart out, opening old wounds, and scared her deeply.

Bobby suddenly froze under her frantic moving arms that were shaking him. His trembling stopped as Alex heard him take a strangled breath before easing it out slowly. Moments passed as she sat there behind him with her hands planted flatly on his shoulder before he moved his arms away from his head.

His eyes were cloudy and distant as he blinked into the room; Alex knew that he probably had no idea where he was yet, so she waited patiently until the distant look disappeared and his eyes became clearer, focused. "Bobby?"

Bobby winced at his name. He slowly turned his head; when their eyes met, he stared confusingly at her before the fear took over. Before she knew it, he was out of her arms as he sat up. He stayed sitting on the edge of the bed, not really fully awake yet, and stared down at the floor.

She watched him, not sure if she should move toward him or not. Something was telling her, demanding her to not move and give him space. Bobby was still trying to catch his breath. He messaged his hand up and down his chest; at feeling the wetness of his shirt, Bobby yanked it over his head and tossed it to the side.

From behind him on the bed, Alex could see the sweat that glistened on his body, down his face, and over his arms. She took a breath but before she could say anything, he bolted off the bed and was out the room.

The door to the bathroom closed and she heard water running. Alex got out of the bed, pulled the shirt back on, and then left the room. Stopping at the bathroom door, she heard the water but nothing else. There wasn't much she could do standing at the door listening for signs that he was okay. She knew he wasn't. Something was going on with him.

Alex went into the kitchen and after fixing herself a cup of strong, sugar-filled coffee, she searched around for a can of soup. Finding one can of Tomato soup in the cabinet, she started placed it on the counter. Checking the refrigerator, she saw that there wasn't much of anything. There was bread and cheese but no butter; that ruled out the grilled cheese sandwiches.

She didn't know if he would be hungry or wanted to eat just yet, so she took the cup of coffee with her back to the bedroom and waited. After a couple of minutes, she heard him leaving the bathroom and head down the hall to the kitchen. It didn't take long for him to return to the bedroom. Alex was sitting up in bed, nursing a cup and watched him cross the room. Even though he had gotten some sleep, he was looking like he had just crawled out of a grave.

"Stop…checking me out," he playfully told her as he rounded the bed, and sipped on a cup of coffee. Bobby sat the cup down on the window ledge above the bed before he slid in next to her and kissed her cheek. "Thanks, for the coffee."

Alex reached up and felt his head. It wasn't nearly as hot as it was before. She watched as he studied a spot on her lap; his eyes were hesitant at looking at her. If it was up to her, she would want to talk about it, ask him if it was a normal thing for him to have nightmares that severely, but she didn't. She took a sip off the coffee as she rubbed his cheek a little. "You're not hot anymore."

Bobby smiled and glanced up at her. "It was just…from the stress. I've been known to work myself up, make myself sick if I don't…you know, cool it."

"And your sleeping habits don't help."

That made him tense; she felt the muscles tighten in his jaw. Bobby tilted his head away from her hand and grabbed his cup of coffee. "A lot of things don't help."

"Don't you have anything that calms you so you don't get all stressed out?"

Bobby shrugged. "I don't know…you perhaps?"

Alex felt the heat on her cheeks as she smirked up at him.

Bobby grinned back at her. "I feel better," he reassured her. "I probably just needed sleep anyway."

They were quiet for a while, neither one of them sure of what to say as they sipped their coffees. Bobby shifted a little closer to her and wrapped his left arm around her shoulders, pulling her closer to him. That felt nice. Alex relaxed into him and rested her head against his warm body. She like the way he felt, and loved the way he made her feel in his arms. She felt safe and cared for, comfortable and cherished.

Bobby found a spot on the window ledge for his coffee cup then wrapped his right arm around her waist, rubbing at the small of her back. It was gentle yet teasing, and it caused her to melt into him, wanting him as she stared up into his dark brown eyes that were nearly dilated black; he wanted her. A familiar yearning started growing in her as she felt her body ache for him.

Alex sat her cup down on the nightstand and turned to him. "I missed you last night."

Bobby was mere centimeters away from her mouth. "How much did you miss me?" he asked before he kissed her deeply.

"It was an…aching desperation," Alex told him once they broke the kiss.

Bobby smiled at that as he slid his hand down lower between her thighs. Her eyes closed as his hand cupped her. "What…aching down here?" he huskily asked before capturing her lips in his.

He groaned into the kiss as he felt no fabric there; she was completely naked with nothing on but one of his shirts. Feeling that she was already wet with want, he rubbed at her center until she spread her legs wider. He pumped two fingers deep in her, making her hitch up against him before easing slowly down, sinking herself onto his hand.

It was electrifying the way he made her feel. No man had ever done this to her before, making her yearn for them the way Bobby did. He was intoxicating and she craved everything about him: his lips, his touch, his want to pleasure her before he pleased himself. He was the most generous lover she had ever known, and he made her not want anyone else.

His fingers worked wonders inside of her and it was hard to think or to speak. She had yet to make a sound as her breath caught in her throat. And Bobby wasn't making it ease as he drove his tongue into her mouth. As his fingers pumped between her pulsing hot walls, his tongue fucked her mouth as it would if it was inside her. She was going to die, and Bobby was going to be the death of her.

Bobby relinquished her mouth and started in on licking and kissing her neck.

"Bobby," Alex said after she sucked in a deep breath. The pleasure was building in her, spending hot waves through her body as her muscles clenched and unclenched. She wanted needed to feel him in her as she came. "Bobby, please…" her fingers tightened in his hair, pulling his head up.

His eyes were a stormy dark sea of desire; they seemed to see into the very depths of her as he stared down into her eyes. Bobby twisted his fingers in her one last time before pulling them out. "You want me?"

It was like he could read her mind. "Yes," she told him, pleaded with him as she gripped him through his boxers. He was so hard and long. She was ready for him. "Bobby, please," her voice quivered.

"Say it…please, Alex, ask me." The way he sounded when he asked that, so deep and husky, it was barely audible even in the quiet room.

Alex moaned as he motioned himself over her, teasing her opening as he kissed over her lips. She didn't know why he always wanted to hear it; or why he always asked, it was Bobby and she was realizing that he probably would always ask if she never told him first. "I want you…in me, now….Bobby, please…please, fuck me.'

He entered her slowly, being as gentle as possible. God, he was so big. She felt herself stretch around him as he filled her deeply. Her moans turned into gasps of pleasure at the sensations that wrecked through her body. His fingers were gliding over her thigh and up her sides, under the shirt and playing with her breast; it distracted her as he pushed in harder before pulling out painfully slow.

Her body was on fire from the tip of her curled toes up to her flushed face. Bobby was taking his time, making love to her body, kissing over every spot of skin he could reach, and tracing his fingertips over every spot that his lips couldn't reach. The sounds and words she was making were incomprehensible; to her they were mumbling nonsense that urged him on.

Bobby increased his gentle rocking as she went to open her mouth to beg him to go faster, harder. She was nearing the edge feeling her thighs quiver against his sides as the flames that spread over her consumed her whole being, clenching at her muscles that worked around his member.

"Alex," Bobby grunted out against her neck. His voice was strained and deep as he whispered against her ear, "So-so close. Please," he stressed out, "please…I-I--"

Alex couldn't hold out any longer; she slammed down hard into him as he pumped hard into her and felt everything collapse. A current of pleasure shook through her body. She heard Bobby's voice choked back his words as he jerked a couple more times into her before stilling, filling her with everything he had. Her body rocked and shivered with his as they rode through the ecstasy together. His fingers were suddenly touching her, rubbing at her center.

"Bobby," she gasped as she came again from his touch.

He moaned above her, kissing her lips with soft pecks as she arched down on him.

Bobby bent his head down and told her, "I love feeling you come."

Her eyes were blurry and she saw white spots as she opened them, looking up at him. Bobby was watching her with those intense brown eyes, taking everything in; she was certain that he was trying to remember everything. The idea of that filled her heart every time she saw him look at her that way, like she was the most amazing and interesting woman he had ever seen in his life.

It took a moment, but she was finally able to breathe easier as she ran her hands over his chest. She loved the way his body felt; he was strong and well toned, yet not repulsively so like some men. There was such a thing as too much muscle; bobby was elegant in his look. Nothing about him was over done…except with what God gave him.

"Are you okay?"

Alex nodded as her hand ran over his temple and through his hair, down to his neck that she caressed under her fingers. She had lost track of what her hands were doing while they made love as all her senses were focused on what he was doing to her. That was also something she had never experienced with any other man. Bobby could completely make her forget about everything and anything; he shut her down to where all she could feel was him.

"You haven't spoken since…since I asked you to and when you--"

Alex pulled him down to a long, passionate kiss. Bobby deepened the kiss as he pulled her close to him, then in one swift motion, he rolled her on top of him. Once she settled on top, she melted into him like he was the most wonderful thing she had laid on. He was still buried inside of her, long and spent, and she could careless. She was happy.

"Tired?" Bobby asked in-between soft lazy kisses.

"Only a little," she told him with a smile. Easing down on his body, she kissed over his neck and chest. She felt Bobby reach down and then felt the covers being brought up over her back. "Getting cold?"

"Only a little," Bobby told her right back as his hands rubbed light feather caresses over her back and up to the back of her neck.

Resting her head on his chest, she moaned at his caresses. "That feels good." His hands were soothing and Alex felt her eyes close as she relaxed completely on him.

They were silent for a long time. Alex had stopped thinking, letting her mind drift off to nothing as she just felt his hands on her.

Bobby shifted a little under her then cleared his throat. "Did anything interesting happen while I was gone?"

At the question, Alex stiffened in his arms. She knew that Bobby immediately thought that something had happened as she felt his hands stop moving then his arms tighten around her waist.

Alex lifted her head to see him, giving him her full attention. Bobby was preparing himself. See could tell from the way he looked down at her with the most calm and understanding expression he could give and then waited anxiously. She was amazed at how well she could read him already. They hadn't been together that long and she could feel herself already becoming a part of him, knowing him, and trusting him.

Finally, Alex took a breath and told him as calmly as possible, "Eric got arrested last night."

TBC…

* * *

A/N: Yeah, I hadn't done much of Alex's POV lately so...I tried. I think I do better with Bobby...


	21. Ch20: Never Enough

**A/N: **When you read the following chapter and the next just remember this one thing: it had to happen this way. It had to!!

Thanks again and again to the wonderful people who are still reading and review this story! Your comments give me a reason to keep writing.

**Rated M, again!!

* * *

  
**

Bobby's hands stilled as he processed that. He wasn't sure that he heard her correctly. She was curiously staring at him, waiting for his reaction. It took a second, but once it hit him, it hit hard. He bolted upright, bringing Alex along with him. "Wha-what…How?"

Alex looked like a deer in the headlights as her eyes widened with fear as she told him, "My guys were at the club again last night and--"

Bobby tossed the covers back and grabbed his boxers off the floor. Pulling them on he searched through his dresser drawers. Nothing! He had absolutely nothing to wear because he was supposed to have done laundry yesterday and didn't.

"Bobby--"

"Was he leaving or just getting there?" Bobby asked cutting her off as he picked up the dress pants he was wearing last night.

Alex had to think about it but she finally told him, "He was leaving. He had a package when he left."

"Shit," he whispered as he buckled his belt. Bobby eyed Alex and he caught the shirt she was wearing. It was his. "Where'd you get that?"

"It's clean," she said seconds before she stripped it off and tossed it to him. "Why do you have to get him? Doesn't he have family?"

Bobby caught it and quickly put it on before he grabbed a pair of socks out of the top drawer. "His family doesn't care," he absently told her as he left the room. "And you just let them take him?" He picked up his boots and sat down on the couch.

Alex came into the living room dressed in her clothes. "What was I supposed to do? Go to bat for you against my own guys, Bobby! I have to work with them, you don't," she snapped at him.

Bobby tugged on his boots a little harder, hurting his feet as he glared up at her. She was half right. What was she to do? But she had interfered when she promised not to. "That first day, I told you…asked you, to back off, to not interfere with my operation. And I thought I was pretty clear after I had to get Eric away from your guys the other night. I trusted you!" He got up and went to retrieve his cell off the counter.

Turning it on and checking his missed calls, he spotted Alex's calls and several from Eric and another one from the county. Eric had called him from jail. Bobby turned and walked around her to the door.

"And I trusted you to understand where my loyalties are. I have obligations too, Bobby, people I can't let down. Forgive me if my first obligation wasn't to you!"

He stopped with his hand on the doorknob and faced her. It was hard to feel upset when she was making perfect sense, but he wasn't exactly seeing reason just then. It was Saturday damn it! One day away from getting out of this and he had to go bail out Eric, if he could even do it. If Eric was leaving the club with a package, he probably wasn't even going to get bail. "Okay, maybe I was wrong to ask you for a little consideration when it came to my side of things." As soon as he said it he regretted it.

Alex's eyes bore into his as she crossed her arms. "That is completely unfair, Bobby," she shot back at him. Alex continued to stare him down; she was completely unfazed by the amount of anger that was coursing through him. "I gave you consideration with everything I've done."

Bobby was starting to shake trying to control his anger as his head was started pounding again. He was so mad he felt like throwing his fist into the wall; instead, he snapped out, "Bullshit. If you did I wouldn't be trying to figure out how to save my operation. Once word gets back to Mack that Eric was arrested after leaving the club, with a package containing God knows what…I'm done."

Alex steadied a glare on him as she told him, "We're on the same side, Bobby. Why can't you see that?"

He didn't know what to say to that. The only thing Bobby could do instead of stare dumbfounded at Alex as he tried to figure it out, he turned and slammed the door behind him.

* * *

The slamming of the door still echoed in his head an hour later when he waited in county lockup for Eric to be brought out. When he arrived, he asked to know what Eric had been charged with; there were two charges, one was a minor status offense for the under-age stuff and the other was for possession. Upon hearing that, his chest started hurting as his temples throbbed.

Eric had to stay in jail until his arraignment hearing on Monday. Bobby nodded then asked the in-take officer, "Can I see him?"

She scheduled him for a visit at one-thirty. That gave him twenty minutes. It didn't take long before a guard motioned for him to stand. He followed him to a small room with a single table and two chairs on either side of it and waited. As he slumped down in the small hard chair, staring up at the ceiling, all he could think about was Alex.

He didn't know if she was going to forgive him for his outburst. It was the truth, what he said before he had left; this could destroy everything he had worked for over the past year. But, he was being unreasonable at blaming her, yelling at her for it. The person he really blamed and was angry at was himself, and Eric…_Stupid kid_. Why couldn't he have just gotten out when he first told him to?

What was wrong with people? What was wrong with him?

Over a year of doing this job, being around these people, he was in too deep and too emotionally involved. Fin had been right, it may not have been the typical type of corruption that he was involved with, but it was still corrupting him none-the-less.

"Bobby!"

Bobby sat up in the chair as Eric was brought in. He waited for him to be seated and the guard to leave before turning his attention to the young kid.

"I knew you'd come." Eric grinned at him with relief and gratitude. "Did you get me a lawyer?"

Bobby took a deep breath as he shook his head 'no'. "Does Mack know?"

Eric shook his head. "Not yet." He bolted toward the table and leaned over it, close to him and whispered, "I didn't tell the cops where I got the stuff. I told them I had it before I went into the club, they believed me. So…it's okay."

Bobby rubbed a nervous hand over his mouth and nodded in understanding.

"I'm no rat, Bobby. I'll do the time. This is my first offence, so if I can't get probation, I'm only looking at four years, two with good behavior, then…I'll be out." Eric nodded to himself. "I need a good lawyer, Bobby. You could ask Mack to get one of his guys for me, right?"

As he watched the kid across from him, Bobby couldn't help but feel his interest in helping him slipping further away. In his mind and heart he felt something shift inside of him. It was a painful shift, but it was one that he would endure as he needed to feel it. He had to be certain of a few things first before he let himself feel completely what it was that was turning in him. "What if you do get probation, what will you do?"

Eric looked at him like he was talking in some language he couldn't understand. "What'd you mean? If I get probation, I can still work for you, right?"

"How're your classes working out?" Bobby asked instead of answering.

Eric looked away and shrugged. "Good."

"Good, it's going good? So, when you get out, or get probation you'll…finish them?"

"Yeah," Eric said a little defensively. "I can get the classes done and still work for you. I can still work afterwards too, like on the side when I'm not at the shop."

It was gone. That was all he needed to hear as his eyes closed. All the amount of need and want and hope he had in helping set Eric straight was gone. Bobby lifted his eyes up to be staring into the eyes of the young man. And that was what he was, a man, who made his own decision to be in this life. There was nothing he could do to help him, not now and maybe not ever. At that moment, he couldn't remember what it was that made him think that he ever could have set Eric straight. "You had no…intention of," he felt his anger rise up as he looked down at the table. If he kept looking at Eric, he would snap. "Of leaving this?"

Eric had that confused look again. "Why would I? Yeah, working on cars is nice and it'll be a legit job to have to get my family off my back, but I was always planning on staying with you guys. Look, my bail will be posted on Monday. You got me, right?"

Bobby gave a curt shake of his head as he stood up. "I can't help you."

Eric stared up at him in confusion and fear. "What'd you mean?"

Bobby held up his hands at the anger that he saw clouding Eric's eyes. He turned and knocked on the door.

"Bobby! What'd you mean? I don't understand? Why won't you help me? Bobby!" Eric went to grab him and Bobby grabbed his hands before he could get them on him.

He held Eric's hands in his as he stared down hard at the young man. Where there was once empathy and understanding in Bobby's eyes there was now nothing but resolute apathy. "I tried, but…You did this to yourself, Eric. I've done all I could, but you just don't see it, and unfortunately, neither did I." He spoke mostly to himself, muttering the words as it all hit him.

Eric was shocked as he dropped his arms when he saw the guard at the door. "Bobby, please," he pleaded.

The door opened and before Bobby stepped out, he told him, "Call your dad, and get a lawyer."

* * *

"Alex!" Bobby yelled through the door. He knew she was there since she wasn't at his apartment and her car was parked out front.

It had been a couple of minutes since he arrived and started knocking on her door. She wasn't going to answer. His fist pounded the door again, the side of his hand ached with each bang against the door. _Please, please open the door. Alex…honey, please. _Bobby dropped his head against the door as he slammed his hand on it one more time. _She's not going to answer._

He closed his eyes and breathed heavily against the door. There was a noise on the other side of the door and then the sound of the locked being turned made him freeze. Bobby barely had time to lift his head and shift his weight so not to fall forward before the door was yanked open.

Alex stared up at him and she looked pissed. She eyed him and finally sighed heavily and went to close the door.

Bobby dropped against the door-frame and with his right arm stopped the door from being shut in his face. "Alex."

She stopped just inside the door with her hand on it, pushing it hard against his arm.

"We have to talk."

Alex peered at him through the slit of the door. "I think you've said enough."

Bobby was getting impatient; his fist clenched as he tried to steady his rapid breathing and aching pulse. "Please, let me in."

"There's nothing you can say--"

"I didn't get Eric," he told her, cutting her off. Bobby saw the confusion in her eyes as he shifted up against the door, trying to get closer. "I left him there."

"Why?"

Bobby rested his head on his right hand that was pressed on the door. Did it really matter 'why'? He didn't like having to justify his actions or explain something that he thought was personal. "Not out here." He looked into her eyes as he asked, "May I come in, please?"

Alex looked reluctant to do so, but she moved away and out of sight. The pressure on the door was gone.

Bobby slowly pushed the door open and stepped just inside the door before he shut it. She was walking into the kitchen and his eyes followed her retreating form as she disappeared around the corner. The nervous energy in him was spiking as he glanced around the apartment as he debated on whether or not to take off his jacket or not, or to sit or stand, or to follow her…

He tugged off his jacket and placed it over the back of the couch as he moved toward the kitchen. Bobby kept his head down and eyes diverted to the floor while he took a couple of deep breaths. He was horrible at this relationship stuff, never knowing what to do and always worrying if he was doing it right. The truth was that he didn't like confrontation, so he always tried to avoid it until it got overwhelming that he either exploded or shut completely down; that eventually would end up driving his girlfriend away. Then usually after an argument he would stay gone until she came to him or until he was drawn out by pure desperation after a couple of days, whichever came first.

Alex was standing with her back to him as she prepared a drink. From the smell he knew it was tea. She turned to face him and he looked away, back to the floor as he crossed his arms and leaned against the counter.

She was waiting on him to start, but he didn't want to say anything even though he knew he had to. Bobby felt so uncomfortable and uneasy that his hand shook as he rubbed it along the back of his neck. This could end in so many different ways, and it was entirely up to him how it would go. With what he said or did now would either keep them together or break them up. It was too painful trying to figure out which outcome he wanted most. He knew what would be the easiest.

"Did you do it for me?" Alex quietly asked him before she took a sip of the tea.

Bobby was surprised that she spoke first, but if she left it up to him they would be standing there all day. He shook his head 'no'. "No, but…you did, uh…you reminded me of why I was here to begin with. I…I got, lost. Somewhere along the line I got lost."

Alex didn't say anything as she continued to look at the steaming cup instead of at him. That helped; it made him feel a little less like he was being watched and criticized.

"I had hope," he found himself continuing. Bobby had never felt like explaining himself before, but he did now, with her. That feeling confused him even more as he rubbed his knuckles across his mouth as he was attempting to get his thoughts in order. "I hoped that something good might come out of this…awful situation. I…uh, I put that hope in the wrong person."

"Eric."

Bobby flinched at the name. "Yeah. I realized, that, um...even though he's young, he's…he can't change, won't change. Not as long as I'm always there, bailing him out. Some…people, they need to be…" he rubbed at his head as he felt the hot wave of pounding electric pain shoot through it. Wincing, he ran his hand over his face and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Uh…" his thoughts were getting harder to grasp onto as the pain increased, his pulse was skyrocketing under his massaging fingers. "Eric, he had to…see that he, uh…he had to stay…" his breathing was coming in ragged gasps of air.

"Bobby, are you okay?"

He turned and leaned against the counter, gripping the edges as his chest tightened. Bobby's eyes clenched close and he saw sparks as pain shot up his chest and radiated in his head. Feeling a hand on his forehead, he jerked back.

"You're hot and sweaty again," Alex told him. Her hand smoothed down his face to his neck, feeling his pulse. She was timing it and after a moment told him, "Your pulse is 110 and climbing."

Bobby pushed her hand away and straightened. Opening his eyes, he glanced sideways at her. At seeing the depths of her worry in those loving brown eyes, he leaned down and slammed his lips against hers. She was stunned at first but pressed her lips right back. Sliding his tongue along her lips, she parted them and let him deepen the kiss. His hands roamed over her back and down to her thighs; gripping hard, he lifted her up against his waist.

"Bobby," Alex got out when the kiss was momentary broken when he lifted her. She wrapped her legs around his hips as she breathed out, "Wait, you're not--"

Bobby knew she was worried about him but he felt fine and his want of her had sparked when he saw how concerned she was for him. No one had ever cared for him as deeply as what he saw in her eyes. The passion he felt for her was enough to set him on fire as he pushed her against the wall in the hallway and grind himself into her. "I'm fine," he reassured her before he recaptured her lips, sinking his tongue back home into her welcoming mouth.

Alex had either believed him or gave up the fight because she pulled him closer against her body as she drove her tongue nearly down his throat.

Their teeth clicked together as they painfully kissed each other but they didn't care. Bobby was achingly growing within the confines of his pants as he continued to grind into her, creating a furious friction between them. Alex was pulling at his shirt. She finally managed to get it up over his head once he realized that he had to move his arms from where they were massaging and gripping at her thighs and ass in order for her to take it off him.

He needed her, needed to be inside of her. Bobby broke the kiss and breathed deeply against her neck and chest as his right hand moved from her thigh to the front of her jeans. Once he got it unbuttoned and the zipper down, he reached inside and rubbed at her wet center.

Alex moaned as her head dropped back to the wall, exposing her neck to him. Bobby kissed, licked, and bit at the skin, marking her and creating whimpers and soft pleas in his ear. Sweat was dripping down from his forehead as he felt his whole body quake and shiver from a restricting pain that shot through him. Groaning, he pushed the pain away as he backed away from the wall. He let Alex down long enough to yank her jeans and panties down her legs; she kicked them off her feet as she unbuckled his belt and unfastened his pants. He watched her fingers tug his zipper down before disappearing inside his boxers.

His breath caught as he felt her fingers tease over his head. She gripped him as best she could before working her hand up and down, making him grow harder and longer in her palm. He gasped and panted deeply as he leaned above her against the wall, feeling the heat spread through his body as he willed away the pain that was threatening to erupt from him.

The urge to have her suddenly rushed through all the foggy pain and confusion in his mind. Lifting her up again, Bobby steadied her against the wall before easing her down on him. In two quick hard pushes, he was buried deep within her slick hot walls. He wanted to take her hard and fast, make her ache and hearing her scream. He wanted to feel the pleasure and the pain as he fucked her, wanted her to feel it with him.

He gripped her thigh and ass hard with his right hand as his left gripped her hair. Alex yelped and gasped as he drove himself up hard and deep into her as he did yanked her head back. His un-relentless rhythm was rocking her hard up against the wall as he pounded roughly deep inside her walls. Her breathing was tense and strained in his ear as he sucked hard on her neck before biting down. Bobby felt her fingers tighten and pull at his head and then nails scratch down his back before dragging up along skin, digging in deep against his shoulder blades.

His responded by grabbing her ass tighter, scraping his own nails across her skin as he pushed in harder and faster to the point of pain as he slammed against her. She choked on a sob as her thighs quivered and tightened against his hips. The pleasure was building in him; his legs were shaking with the urge to buckle as the fire that felt like lava poured upwards from his legs to his groin and pass his chest all the way to his head. He was feeling dizzy as white hot sparks flashed behind his clenched eyelids.

He was so close and she was so hot and tight, twisting and clenching around him trying to squeeze the very life out of him. He vaguely remembered hearing her breath hitching before she released as muffled scream against his shoulder as everything tensed and exploded within him. His fingers clawed at the wall as he jerked once then twice into her as she bucked hard into him. He felt more than remembered shooting his cum deep in her. Her juices surrounded him, covering his pulsing member, making him feel warm and satisfied.

When he finally opened his eyes, Bobby realized that they were on the floor and he was resting against the wall with Alex in his lap. Her head was resting against his shoulder. How did that happen? He rubbed his hand up under her shirt, smoothing over her back as he asked a little breathlessly and numbly, "Did I hurt you?"

Alex was quiet for a moment, causing him to panic as his hand stilled on her warm skin. "Only in many, very good, ways," she finally answered before placing a kiss against his throat.

His hand continued to massage over her back that he knew was hurting from being rubbed and rocked hard against the wall. It was nothing that a long soak in a hot bath couldn't cure, or a great massage that he was trying to accomplish with one hand. The other hand, his left, was throbbing as he ran it through her hair and over her face.

Cupping her jaw, he tilted her head back and placed soft kisses against her swollen lips. He didn't know how long they sat there on the floor holding and kissing each other, but once his back started hurting from being pressed up against the wall, he shifted forward and clumsily got to his feet, pulling Alex up with him.

"Gotta work tonight?" he asked as he wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her to him.

"Hum-huh," she mumbled into his mouth as he kissed her again. Alex smiled up at him once the kiss broke. Her hands were running up along his back and then down under the waistband of his pants.

Bobby liked the feeling that she desired him just as much as he desired her, and that she wasn't afraid to show it.

"Do you?"

Bobby didn't, but with what happened to Eric, he had to go and talk to Mack to make sure that Sunday was still a go. He nodded a little as he took in the dreaminess of her eyes that always followed when they had sex. She looked like she was flying high just then. It made him smile. "I'm not supposed to but…" he trailed off, leaving it unsaid. They didn't need to go there again.

Alex frowned slightly as understanding and a little hostility replaced that dreamy look. "I really am sorry about that."

Bobby let out a deep breath and instead of saying anything about it, bent down and kissed her one last time before stepping away. "You should start getting ready." He gathered up his shirt and her jeans and headed to the bedroom.

In the few steps it took him to walk to her bedroom, it was enough time for him to feel something other than the after-effects of their love making, because as soon as he stepped into the room his chest exploded with a wave of tensed pain. He dropped the clothes on the bed and smoothed his hands over his chest. Running a hand over his head and to the back of his neck, he felt that he was still hot and sweat was covering his skin. He shivered as the cool air in the room attacked him. Stumbling in his steps, he landed on his stomach on top of the bed.

"Okay?"

Bobby took a shaky deep breath and let it out, feeling his chest quiver. "Fine, just tired," he lied as he covered his head with his arm, blocking out the sunlight that was burning his eyes. "Uh, go 'head and take a shower first. I'm going to rest for a while."

He closed his eyes as the pain ripped through his chest and head. Swallowing hard, he nearly choked as his throat constricted. Bobby gasped, letting out a strangled breath of air. Tears stung at his eyes from the pain as he rolled onto his back thinking it would make him breathe easier. It only made it worse as he sucked in a deep breath of air that rippled in aches all the way down to his burning lungs.

Sitting up on the side of the bed, he felt the tightness ease slightly. Fear was clenching at his heart and mind as he tried to figure out what was wrong with him. He had an idea, but he couldn't afford to have that happening to him now. He was being stubborn and irrational, he knew, but hopefully he still had one more day to go before this was all over. And then he would get checked out and have whatever this was taken care of.

Glancing at the clock, Bobby groaned and pushed himself off the bed. He didn't have time to wait around for Alex to get out of the shower. Pulling his shirt over his head and refastening his pants and belt, he headed into the living room. Finding a pen and piece of paper by the phone, he jotted down a quick note and took it back into the bedroom, placing it on the bed.

Bobby grabbed his jacket and slipped out of the apartment. He made sure that it locked behind him before heading down to the street. He decided to walk home as his body ached and shook from the cool air and the constant movement. A ringing startled him a block from his apartment, and he searched his jacket and pants for his cell phone. It was Sanders. Why was his captain calling? "Yeah?" His voice sounded strained and rough in his ears.

"Goren? Are you okay?"

"Fine, Captain. What's up?" Bobby stopped walking and leaned up against the wall to a corner market.

"I'm having a meeting at eight at the warehouse. I want to make sure everything goes down smooth tomorrow and that we all know how it's going to go down."

"Is Fin going to be there?"

Sanders became silent and Bobby clenched a fist in his jacket pocket. "No, he's out of this now, Goren. I'll introduce you to Fin's backup guy when you get here."

Bobby closed his eyes and groaned in frustration. Just what he needed, to be placed in the hands of some unknown cop who he had no idea if he could trust or not, but…what could he do about it? Absolutely nothing. His jaw flexed and locked causing his voice to sound tight and tensed as he said, "Okay. I'll be there."

He snapped the phone shut and crossed the street and turned toward the apartment building. He only had enough time to get in a shower and take a short nap before he had to get back up again.

Bobby made it to the club just a little before five. Alex wasn't there yet but she had called him while he was asleep, telling him that it was okay that he left and that she would see him tonight. He was suddenly doubtful that they would see each other that evening.

Rick gave him a weird look as he entered through the front door and went over to the staircase. "Whatcha doin' here? I thought Mack gave you the night off."

Bobby refused to answer Rick as he took the stairs two at a time. The aspirin he had taken earlier was trying to work. His heart beat was still pumping fast throughout his body, making his head feel hot while his pulse drummed in his ears. He rasped on the door to the office before pushing it open.

Mack looked up as he entered, his eyes narrowed as he approached the desk. "I thought I gave you the night off."

Bobby cut through the chit-chat and asked, "We still on for tomorrow?"

Mack leaned back in the chair and looked him over. He sighed as he crossed his arms behind his head. "You've been to see Eric."

Bobby didn't have time for this game of 'who controls the conversation'; he just needed to know the damn answer. "Yes, I did. And he knows nothing and told them nothing."

"But I'm still down a quarter of a million in my product."

"You'll get it back with interest tomorrow if we're still on," Bobby told him as he pushed down the urge to pace the room. He gripped the back of the chair and leaned closer to his boss. Eyeing him, he tilted his body sideways as he asked him a little annoyingly, "Well?"

Mack smirked at his antics and shifted forward, bringing his arms down on top of the desk. "That's funny, when you do that, at least I think so. When you do it to other people who don't know you, is it supposed to make them uncomfortable?"

Bobby breathed out and gripped the chair tighter. Mack was deliberately not answering him. "I came all the way here on my day off to make sure that when I show up tomorrow it won't be just to make sure they locked up--"

"You left Eric in jail, Bob."

That stopped him in his tracks. Bobby stared at Mack as he tried to figure out why that was such a bad thing. When he came up with nothing, he shrugged out, "So? My mother left me in jail when I was twelve. Look how well I turned out," he said dryly. "He'll be fine, and it might do him some good, but the most important thing is that he didn't rat us out. Did he?"

God, he was suddenly praying that after he left that Eric didn't open his mouth and take a deal. He was so wrapped up with what was going on within him and what he thought was the best thing that he completely forgot to consider the damn consequences of leaving Eric behind.

Mack let him sweat for a moment before he told him, "No, he didn't."

Bobby remained stoic, not letting the relief show as he raised his eyes. "Then what's all this about?" His patience was slipping with each passing minute that ticked by.

The change in Mack sent a wave of dread through him. Bobby watched as the older man looked down at his desk and slumped back in the chair. "Eric got into a fight with a rival gang member. They rushed him to the infirmary but it was too late…His lung collapsed and they couldn't save him."

Bobby felt numb and disgusted as guilt clenched his throat so tight he couldn't speak. Eric…was dead? Oh, God, it was his fault. He left him there. His hands fist the chair as he struggled to keep his emotions from overwhelming him. It was hard to think about anything else as Eric's voice pleading with him filled his mind. _God damn it!_ He pounded the chair down on floor and dropped his head into his out-stretched arms.

"I'm sorry, Bob."

"Are. We. On?" Bobby forced the words out of his throat as the anger that he was feeling nearly crippled him.

"Yeah, we're still on."

That was all he wanted to know. Bobby straightened as he regained his control. He couldn't feel anything as he gave into the numbness that spread down his body from his head.

"Look, I know how much Eric looked up to you and--"

Bobby pushed off the chair, sending it rocking forward against the desk as stalked to the door. He didn't give Mack time to finish what he was saying before he slammed the door behind him. Everyone stared at him as he hurried down the stairs.

Ashley Townsend was suddenly next him and he felt like telling the young woman off, but he didn't. "I just heard about Eric, Bobby. I'm--"

Bobby walked right by her, nearly knocking her over as he pushed open the back door and stepped out into the parking lot. Running his hot sweaty hands over the top of his head he breathed out deeply as he felt the world beating and kicking him to the ground. It was never enough. No matter what he did, it would never ever be enough.

TBC…


	22. Ch21: Maybe Someday

**A/N: **Thanks again and again to the wonderful people who are still reading and reviewing this story!

* * *

It was hard to hear anything with his blood pounding through his head so loud, so it was a surprise when he looked up to see Alex standing above him staring down. Bobby blinked back and felt the cold hit his face; he glanced around the parking lot as he tried to remember when he had sat down against the building.

The last thing he remembered doing was leaving the club after he was told about Eric. He didn't remember sitting down, legs pulled up to his chest, and rubbing furiously at his left hand with his right as he let his mind go.

"What happened?"

Bobby shook his head at Alex's question as he barely acknowledged her. It wasn't that he didn't want to talk about it, but he could feel himself slipping and hiding in the depths of himself.

Eric had helped him see it, see how he was letting it get too personal. Sitting in that tiny room with Eric across from him, pleading with him for help…He had seen how and where he had gone wrong. He was feeling too much, empathizing more than he ever let himself before. It had taken a nineteen year old kid's stupidity to snap him out of it.

Now Eric was dead because he decided not to empathize anymore. He decided to pull away, to cut that connection with Eric instead of getting him out. His unwillingness to help had caused Eric's death.

"Bobby…"

He felt her hand touch his face and he flinched at the touch. Jerking his head away, he felt himself bolt up from the sidewalk. It was hard to walk as his legs felt numb and heavy, but he managed to move around without falling. As Bobby struggled to stay on his feet, the world was blurring around him. He was feeling dizzy, lightheaded, and his chest and head wouldn't stop hurting.

Alex turned stunned, facing him as he circled around her. She crossed her arms and went to speak when he shook his head.

Bobby rubbed at his hands again as he willed down the urge to pull out his pack of cigarettes. The urge for a smoke was pushing down the urge to hit something which was also pulsing through him, causing his fingers to twitch. His eyes darted nervously around at his blurry surrounds, the building, the cars, and the street. He looked at everything except Alex who he could feel next to him.

He sensed her worry and concern, her fear and confusion. Rubbing at his neck and then over his face with his twitching hand right hand, Bobby tried to come up with something to say. He had nothing. He couldn't even tell her about Eric.

Alex was moving closer, he could smell her. "Why don't you come in? You look like you need to sit down."

Bobby winced at the worry in her voice. Seeing Alex there made it all more painful. She made him think that he could just give her him and it would be enough. She wouldn't be like the other woman who had left or who he had to leave. He needed her and…oh God, how he desperately didn't _want_ to need her.

She really did care for him and maybe she really did love him even though he couldn't see how or why. They did tell each other that before, didn't they? They had told each other that…

_Why did I tell her that? Why did I tell her I loved her? I've never told any woman that. Not ever. _

He had to turn his eyes away from her as he felt the hitch in his chest. It hurt too damn much. She was breaking his heart, his soul, and his mind.

Alex stepped closer and he stepped back, nearly stumbling over his feet. His chest was aching again as he warred with his emotions, his fear and desperation were getting the best of him. He was thinking too much and it was suffocating.

"Bobby, its okay," Alex tried to comfort as she stepped closer, bringing her hand up to his face.

Feeling her warm hand against his cheek nearly broke him completely, and that was what did it. Bobby knew he couldn't stay there any longer. He was choking on his own life as it was all spiraling out of his control.

Everything was wrong.

Fin was out probably due to his injury, Eric was dead, after tomorrow he would be suspended and his future with the NYPD would be up in the air, and Alex…well, she was too damn perfect.

Things like perfection scared him. He was far from it so how could someone like her fall for a man like him, and stay? Everybody leaves because they all have their breaking point. He's been known to push some women to theirs. She wouldn't be any different.

Alex was saying something to him and her eyes were pleading with him to come back to her as he slipped further inside himself. He looked away as he shook her hand off him as he raised his hands to his face then ran them through his damp hair. It didn't take long before his nervousness shot through him and he had to pace.

Maybe he was being too cynical. Alex had said that she loved him, but did she mean it? Stopping his mindless pacing, he cautiously glanced toward Alex trying to read her without her noticing. He was acting like he didn't know what he wanted.

Bobby mentally pulsed as that thought hit him. He realized that it was the truth. He didn't know what he wanted and that confused him even more. His hands were slightly shaking as he rubbed them back down over his sweaty face then to his neck that was hot under his palm.

_I can't just walk away, can I? _

Bobby glanced down the sidewalk toward the street. He could feel Alex's eyes on him. She was patient with him as he struggled not only mentally but emotionally. She was still there, not getting frustrated and turning away or leaving him as he fell apart and blocked her out.

_No, no…_

He didn't want to leave, just like that, but he had to. It all came down to having to do it. He had to cut her off. It would be painful…The most painful thing he ever had to do, but what else could he do? It was the right thing to do. After tomorrow he would be gone anyway. So today he had a decision to make. It could be one more day to either say goodbye or one more day to already be gone. How could her tell her bye? How could he look her in the eye and explain that he may never see her again?

Bobby rubbed his hand furiously along the back of his neck as Alex stepped closer to him. She gently placed her hands on both sides of his face; she held him like he was something delicate like if she pressed her hands a little harder he would break. Her soft hands were comforting, warm, and it made him feel so weak.

"Look at me."

It was soft and barely a command yet he could hear the desperation and sorrow in her voice as she said it. Bobby didn't lift his eyes in fear of what he would see. He was acting like a coward, a scared little boy. He had left plenty of women, but none that he could say that he loved. None of them were Alex.

She brought his head down to hers, resting his forehead and hers as her thumbs rubbed smoothly over his barely parted eyelids in an attempt to wipe away the un-fallen tears. Bobby shivered feeling her deep breathing against his face and neck; he breathed her in as he closed his eyes completely.

He didn't want to let her go, but his whole world for the past year was coming to an end and it was falling right on top of him. The only way he could protect himself was how he had always protected himself, by shutting it all out. He had to shut her out. "I can't…I can't…I'm sorry, Alex," he heard himself whisper as he shook his head slowly in her hands.

"What happened?" she tried asking in her desperate attempt to understand what was going on with him. "Bobby…Bobby, look at me."

"I said I can't!" he yelled out louder and harsher than he intended. The fear finally fully took over as he stepped back quickly and turned. Bobby briefly glanced back.

Alex looked stunned and hesitant but she was ready to follow after him.

"Just…back off," he bit out as he finally looked up into her light brown eyes.

The magnitude of hurt and fear he saw in her eyes was enough to kill him. And that was what he felt like as he dropped his eyes from hers and continued walking. He felt like dying if only to stop the pain.

* * *

Bobby had never felt so bad. It felt like his whole body was ripping apart from the inside out. He barely stumbled into the bathroom in time as his stomach lurched. He stayed bent over the toilet as he gagged and dry heaved, feeling that the pain that stung the back of his throat was somehow deserved. The pain that started in his throat rippled all the way down his body as his muscles quaked and jerked against his bones.

The sickness that had shaken him was soon replaced with an intense anger that continued to rock his body. His hands fisted at the front of his jeans where he leaning on his knees to hold himself up. He had to calm down; taking deeps breaths, he tried to ease the anger away.

Before it even clicked in his head that he was moving, his hand impacted the wall next to the mirror. Pain shot up from his knuckles to his shoulder but he could barely feel it. Stepping away from the wall, feeling disgusted at the anger he lost control of, he glanced in the mirror. He stared right through his own cool brown eyes into his very soul. What he saw there scared him. Looking away from his own prying eyes he realized that he couldn't even look at himself anymore.

And, God, he needed a shave.

Turning, he slowly headed into the bedroom and straight to the closet. There was a large duffel bag tucked away on the top shelf. He pulled it down and tossed it onto the bed. It wouldn't take long to pack. He came to the apartment nearly a year ago with nothing but some clothes and his personal belongings. It had barely consumed half the bag. He had bought some things since then but not a hell of a lot. All the furniture besides the bedding was already there when he 'moved' in.

He stripped the bed first and threw all the sheets and blanket into a trash bag. He would wash them and maybe drop the bag off at a shelter or something. There was no more use for them in the apartment. Gathering up the books he had bought or brought with him from his home, he stuffed them into the bag first before gathering up the pile of clothes in the corner.

All the clothes were dirty but he folded them and packed them anyway; he would just wash them when he got home. Looking around the bedroom, he made sure he had everything. His watch was on his right wrist, his cell in his pocket, his wallet was in his back pocket and…He spotted the switch blade on the floor next to the bed. Picking it up, he pressed the button and watched the blade pop out before closing it and putting it in his other pocket.

The next thing to do was to get his stuff out of the bathroom. And, there wasn't much, just the necessities. He quickly brushed his teeth before discarding the tube of paste into the trash and pulled out the bag.

There would be no trace of him being there once he left. He would clean everything down and then send a professional cleaning company in to be sure everything was gone, every print and hair. The landlord had been working with the PD for years and he would have no record of a tenant named Robert Donovan living in that apartment.

Leaning over, Bobby picked up the pair of dress pants that was lying on the bathroom floor next to the tub where he had tossed them earlier that day. He carried them into the bedroom and went to throw them into the bag when he felt something in a pocket. Digging into the pocket, his fingers ran over a steam and then petals.

Frowning, he pulled out the flower he had gotten for Alex. He had forgotten that she had given it back to him for good luck.

_Alex. _

He looked around the bedroom again as it hit him that every memory he would have of her would be either in her decoy apartment or his. He didn't want to think about the club ever again. The diner and their only real date were good, but they had spent most of their intimate moments all right there in that room.

Bobby stuffed the flower into his pocket with tight hands as the anger started to push at his control. He grabbed the bag and took it with him as he headed out of the room.

* * *

Alex didn't know what to think. She had learned about what happened to Eric as soon as she walked into the club. Everyone was talking about it and her fear for Bobby's safety had increased a hundred times stronger. The thing was that she wasn't sure if she was scared of what Mack might do or what Bobby might do to himself.

She hadn't known Bobby long, but she could tell that he was one to hold everything close to his heart and even closer to the mind. If he didn't beat himself over the death of Eric emotionally he would do it mentally, and sometimes mental abuse was far more dangerous than any other kind.

And from witnessing how Bobby could do a complete one-eighty from an emotionally sensitive man to one that was emotionally shut down completely, she was really terrified at what he might do. How could a man turn his heart off like that so quickly?

It took the better half of her night for Alex to come to the conclusion that it was so easy for him to turn himself off like that because he was used to doing it. She wondered what he had to hide from before.

What kind of situations could cause him to have to close himself up in order to get by or to survive? For the fifth time that night, as she filled a shot glass with whiskey and coke, Alex was reminded of the books he had been reading and the nightmare that had terrified her.

"Hey, honey," a drunken customer called from the end of the bar. "Could you hurry it up?"

Alex just glared at the man and slammed the shot glass down in front of him. He didn't tip her and she could careless.

How could she be with a man like Bobby anyway? He was too…unpredictable. But she liked that about him. For now, she reminded herself. Would she be okay with that type of personality a few months from now, a year from now, after the undercover job was over and they were left alone with just each other and their separate jobs?

Maybe she had fallen for him too quickly. He was the first man after her husband that she had let into her life. And, even though she was ashamed to admit it, the undercover job was part of the reason she decided to even be with Bobby. It was safe and if things had to end because the job ended than that would be it.

Yet it wasn't enough to ease the pain away. She was hurting more than she thought she would. She had let him in deeper than she had intended, and she was devastated when he had walked away from her. She had known, and she felt that Bobby had known too, that it wouldn't last. That they wouldn't be together forever, but they had put each other through the pain anyway.

So, why was she so fucking pissed at Bobby? She had even told him that she wasn't looking for anything serious. It was because she was telling the truth when she told him that she loved him. Because she had felt that he was also telling her the truth when he had said it, and because she had hoped it wouldn't end like this.

Going into the kitchen, after making an excuse that she needed to check on a food order for a customer, Alex pulled out her cell and tried calling Bobby again. It would be the third time.

* * *

Bobby checked the caller ID. Alex was calling him for the second time. He waited until she hung up before flipping his phone open. Pressing the ten numbers he had memorized by heart, he called his mother.

The bus slowed to a stop and let on a few more passengers before continuing on the way. Watching the streets and buildings pass by at a slow pace helped to ease his troubled mind and aching heart. Nothing could stop the tightness in his chest or the pounding in his head, but it didn't matter; he had gotten used to the pain. In a way in kept him from completely dead on the inside.

"Hello?"

Bobby blinked back at the sound of his mother's voice. He had forgotten that he had called her. "Hey, mom. It's Bobby."

"Oh," she said in disappointment. "I thought you might've been Frank. Why are you calling?"

Bobby felt the familiar pressure in his chest and head that accompanied her apathy toward him. "I, uh…" This was going to be bad. "I might not be able to see you tomorrow."

There was a silence on the line before he heard her strained voice. "Figures. Why, are you too busy to visit your mother? So, what's more important than your own mother? Your job?" He heard her huff out a laugh. He didn't say anything. "Fine," she suddenly bit out, her indifference was replaced with a bitter anger. "If you can't take the time to come visit me than I don't want you here anyway…I swear, Bobby, I can't depend on you for anything. All you have to do is visit me in this…place, to give me company, once a week. Is that so hard for you?"

Bobby couldn't get his dry mouth to form words. Everything he was doing lately was causing him to feel guilty. He couldn't do anything right. Breathing out deeply into the phone, he rubbed at his tired eyes. He was getting so tired.

"No matter, Frank will be here…" she trailed off for a long moment before saying, "If you're not going to answer me then I'm hanging up." She didn't give him a chance to respond before the dial tone sounded in his ear.

Bobby flipped the phone shut and then turned it off as he stared at out at the darkening sky. Soon he would be at the warehouse with his Captain and the rest of the team discussing his last day on the Job as a Narcotics detective.

That thought wasn't even enough to make him feel close to being happy. He didn't think he would be happy ever again no matter where he was assigned to next.

Shoving his hand into his pocket he ran his fingers over the switchblade and frowned. He hoped that he could keep his promise to Marc, but the way things were going lately he suddenly wasn't so certain he could.

He had let everyone else down so far, why should Marc be any different?

* * *

It was six o'clock and Bobby was nowhere to be found. Alex frowned as Maggie closed up the club, locking the door and setting the alarm.

"I'm sure he's fine," Maggie told her suddenly as they headed down the sidewalk.

Alex shook her head as she stopped in front of her car. "I'm not worried."

Maggie chuckled and waved 'bye' as she continued down the sidewalk. "Yeah, sure, see ya tomorrow, Alex. Have a good Sunday off."

Alex stared after Maggie as she pulled out her keys. Once the other woman was around the corner, she stepped off the sidewalk and went to unlock the door. She froze as she saw the single lavender flower stuck down between the door and the window. A piece of tape was holding it in place so it wouldn't fall.

She had given the flower back to Bobby for good luck. Looking around, she didn't see anyone around. Taking the flower off the window, she got into the car and locked it but didn't start it. She couldn't help but touch over the flowers, feeling the softness of the petals as she remembered how Bobby had presented it to her.

It took her a while to gather her emotions, wipe her eyes, and tuck the flower into her purse before she could start the car and drive away.

TBC…

* * *

A/N: Sorry for the short chapter, but I want to leave the details of the bust as a secret until it actually happens. I don't want to ruin anything by giving it away before hand. Up next: It all pretty much hits the fan.


	23. Ch22: Donovan’s Last Stand

**A/N: **Thanks again and again to the wonderful people who are still reading and reviewing this story!

* * *

The debate over whether or not to have a drink or not was short lived, he was desperate for a taste of the Scotch. He downed the first glass in seconds, hoping it would ease the physical pain. Glancing into the mirror that was above the bar in front of him, he studied his appearance. His eyes were looking nearly black, blending into his black t-shirt that was barely visible under his charcoal grey sweater. Bobby had to admit, the outfit hid the bulletproof vest very well.

With the second drink poured, he rounded the bar and sat hard on a stool. This time Bobby took his time at savoring the alcohol as he sipped on the drink, feeling the way it warmed his insides while igniting the exhaustion that pushed heavily on his shoulders. He leaned forward against the bar, resting his arms on top of it as he rubbed the glass in-between his hands.

It was a mistake, drinking with only two hours to go before the big bust, but he couldn't do anything else to ease the thunderous pounding coursing through his body and mind. There was so much that could go wrong; so much had already gone wrong.

His stomach twisted while he took another sip of the amber liquor. The nervousness in him was threatening to burst forth in panic, but instead he took it and used it as the energy he needed to get through the next couple of hours. He had to at least last that long and finish this thing.

After the take-down and all the bad guys arrested, it would be called a success. However, he would be reprimanded and suspended for a job well done. The irony of the situation set in and he couldn't help but sighing as he closed his eyes. It wasn't fair, but then again, when was his life ever fair?

Dwelling on situations that he couldn't predict, even though he was hell bent on trying to, wasn't helping the throbbing in his head. He couldn't predict what would happen to him during the take-down and he couldn't predict his future with the NYPD. It was unnerving, not having control over his future. No matter how well prepared he was, anything could happen.

Bobby pulled out his pack of cigarettes and tapped the last one out. He crumbled up the pack in his hand and tossed it toward the trash that was across the room and smiled as it went right in.

"Nice shot."

There it was again; that voice that could make him freeze as his heart skipped a beat. Bobby turned slowly, tilting his head down sideways he spotted Alex leaning against the end of the bar. He was stunned to see her there, but why should he have been? Alex was just as stubborn as he was.

Looking back down at his glass that was almost empty, he took a moment to gather himself as he lit the cigarette in his mouth. Out of the corner of his eye he watched as Alex walked closer to him. "What're you doing here?" he softly asked.

Blowing out a throat full of smoke, he tilted his head sideways again and took her in. She had changed since last night and was wearing her long brown leather jacket that she was pulling tighter around her tiny waist. Her hair was down and it covered part of her face and eyes, making him really work at figuring out what she was thinking.

Alex stopped about a foot before she got to him and leaned back against the bar. She was looking hesitant, like she wasn't sure why she was there or what to say.

Bobby granted her no pity as he returned his attention to the glass in front of him. He took a slow sip before taking an even slower drag off the cigarette and waited for her to answer him.

Stubbornness was his downfall because he didn't know when to drop it. He didn't know how not to be defiant because giving in always made him feel weak and inferior. And he couldn't afford to let Alex make him feel that way; so, he sipped his Scotch and smoked his cigarette and hoped that it would stop his heart from breaking all over again.

It wouldn't work because Alex's voice entered his mind as she said, "I knew you would be here. I wanted--"

"You wanted to what?" Bobby asked a little too harshly before he downed the rest of the alcohol and pushed the glass away. He wasn't mad at her, but himself for having it come to this. He blamed himself for getting them to a point where it had to end with pain. "Talk?"

Alex waited until he shifted his dark troubled eyes to hers before she nodded a little. "Sure, if that's what you want to do."

Bobby chuckled at her deterrence as he put out the cigarette. "It wasn't my decision. You came here."

"You came here first," she shot back as she pulled something out of her jacket pocket.

Bobby was confused as to what she meant until he saw the rose in her small hands. He studied it then looked back at the empty spot where his drink had once been. "It's yours." When he looked back at Alex, he stared right into her eyes and silently begged her to leave it alone.

"I heard about Eric." Alex moved closer to him and reached her hand out to his shoulder.

Bobby turned and grabbed her right hand with his left before she could touch him. It wasn't that he didn't want her too. He would give anything to have her tough him for the rest of his life, but she couldn't find out about the vest under his clothes.

When he caught the fear and shock on her face from his startled reaction, Bobby realized that he was gripping her hand too hard. "Sorry," he weakly apologized as his hold loosened, but he had yet to drop her hand.

Alex noticed this and stared for a moment that his hand. She moved her arm down until her fingers were intertwining with his. "I can't touch you now?"

Closing his eyes with a frustrated sigh, he shook his head in disbelief. _Why did I let it get this bad?_ It had felt so right and he had to ruin it with his own fear and insecurity. Opening his eyes, Bobby took hold of her left hand with his right. Bringing it slowly to his lips, he kissed the palm of her warm hand. He heard her breath hitch and he breathed out deeply into it before guiding her hand along the side of his face.

Her fingertips caressed over his jaw and cheek, igniting a fire on his skin. It felt so good and it seemed to dissolve his pain better than any alcohol ever could. Alex was watching the display of emotions on his face with tears watering her eyes. Bobby desperately wanted to kiss the tears away as much as he wanted to taste the Scotch he had earlier, but he resisted the urge to lean forward.

Alex seemed to have the same kind of urge because she did lean forward, bringing her perfectly red lips within reach of his. He blinked down at the mouth he had come to crave and thought that maybe one last kiss wouldn't be such a bad thing.

She squeezed his hand tighter as she told him quietly, "You're a good man."

Bobby choked back on the breath he had been holding as the anger coursed through him. Why did she have to tell him that now?! His hands tightened in hers and he felt his own nails scratch along the side of his face. He could be a good man but right then he wasn't being one. Hovering over her lips, Bobby struggled with controlling his anger and desire as he barely eased his head down and softly kissed her.

Alex went tense at first before she pushed up on her toes as she tried to put more pressure against his lips. Not wanting to give into her, he raised his head back up and only let his lips barely touch hers. It was torture; at least, that was what it felt like on his end.

"What do you want from me?" she suddenly asked as she breathed deeply against his mouth.

Shivers ran down his spine at feeling her hot breathing against his skin. Gripping her hands tighter in his, he felt all his anger and frustration pull heavily on his heart; it was nearly causing him to lose control. _Why is she doing this to me?_ Bobby couldn't figure out why she wouldn't just leave him alone. _What do I want from her?_ _What kind of question is that?_

He shifted his eyes down to the floor then back to be staring down into her wanting and questioning eyes. What _did_ he want from her? He wanted everything, but he couldn't ask her to give him that because he knew his self all too well. He knew he wouldn't be able to return it.

Alex didn't say anything or move. They stayed standing so close to each other but without touching except for their hands. His left hand smoothed over the back of her right as his right hand held her left firmly to the side of his face like it was a lifeline.

Bobby shook his head as he finally told her, "You've got to go." He was staring back down at the floor, away from her worried eyes. "They'll be…arriving soon. I've got to get, um…" he took a deep breath and swallowed hard. "To get prepared."

Alex was looking very reluctant to leave him anytime soon. She wanted him to answer her. "After this is over," she cautiously said. She looked up into his eyes and pleaded the answer 'yes' to her question as she asked, "Will I see you? You can trust me," she quickly told him. "Whatever it is, you can trust me with it…As a friend…as a partner."

She was his friend and in a way his other partner in this. And with them it was all about trust and two-way streets but at this point it wasn't about that. It was about getting the job done. Bobby didn't want to lie to her but he was at a lost at what to tell her exactly. "Alex…" he breathed out as he stepped back away from her. "I-I, uh…I'm not…"

The back door to the club opened just then and Bobby looked over Alex as Mack strolled down the hall toward them. As he looked back down at her, he wasn't sure if he was glad Mack walked in or not. Alex was disappointed and begging him not to use this as an opportunity to not answer her.

Bobby was torn between what to do as the frustration in him built. Making his decision, he grabbed the empty glass off the bar and walked around her. He went into the kitchen and cleaned out the glass. Not looking around or behind him to see what Alex did, he gripped the edges of the sink and dropped his head.

* * *

Stoicism was the practice of repressing all emotion in an attempt to enhance wisdom and logic, essentially relying on the mind instead of being ruled by feelings. It was easy for a man like him to take that practice and put it to good use. He was always a thinker and from a very young age he had learned how to control his emotions. His father taught him how to be indifferent while his mother taught him how to go from one extreme emotion to another in the blink of an eye.

Robert Donovan was the creation he had come up with when he put both his parents together. He was a man who could go from one second being completely indifferent, a stoic, then in the next second to being crazily unpredictable. In a way, Donovan should have been him. And in a way, he was, but to a greater extreme. He wasn't crazy, but he could go from one emotion to another than not to feel anything at any given time.

So, Donovan was his alter ego and that thought really freaked him out as he remained perfectly still in the corner of the room. His hands were resting on the small of his back, right palm over left facing out, and his stance was at a perfect shoulder width distance apart. In the second that it took him to position himself in the military position, he was reminded of the first time he had done it. It was even before boot camp, when he had been sworn in as a recruit.

He remembered standing in a small stuffy room with six other young naive boys and being shown how to do it right. He remembered raising his right hand and swearing his allegiance to the Army, to the President of the United States, and from that moment on no longer only being a protector to his family but to the whole country and everyone living in it.

It was funny that he had never thought about it quite like that before that day. All he was thinking about back then was getting out of Canarsie, of going to college, of being scared to death of going and scared to death of not going. He was sweating bullets by the time he dropped his right hand and when he left that room he had a new appreciation of what he was about to become.

Robert Donovan wasn't any of those things that he had become because unlike Donovan, who was a disgraced soldier, he, Bobby Goren, was a success. He had become everything he thought and more than what he had ever thought possible. Declan was the reason for some of that success, but not all of it. Even though he was scared and uncertain about his future with the NYPD just then, he was reminded of why he had to make this a success. He had to do his duty, his job, and bring these bad guys down.

And that was the only thing going through his mind as he took in the scene before him.

His eyes were the only things moving as he took in Tony Ramirez, J.D. Haddix, and their crews. Rick wasn't there which had been worrying him a little. However, after overhearing a brief conversation between Mack and Tony, he learned that Rick was at the house that the Vice Squad should be taking down any moment.

He noticed that Carlos was looking twitchy as he kept glancing over at him, no doubt wondering what the crazy soldier was going to do if given the order to move. Juan kept glancing at him too, but it was in an attempt at trying to mimic his pose and silent intensity. It was safe to say that Juan was failing. Bobby wanted to laugh and cringe at the same time, but he didn't even blink at the comical display.

And Tony was being Tony. He was still cocky and arrogant and all talk and no amount of intimidation could get him to shut-up. Plus, now Bobby knew about the real reason why Tony was there and why he felt that nothing could touch him. It was because nothing could touch him, not while he was in with Mack on the prostitution thing.

Thinking about that almost made him break. Bobby let his anger get the best of him and that would have been a huge mistake. Taking a deep breath, he reassured himself that the Vice Squad was in position and that it would all be over in a couple of minutes.

Minutes, that was all he had left. Glancing at the clock in the room, he realized that he had only five minutes in fact. That seemed like a short time, but Bobby knew how painfully slow it could be. Like time standing still. Right then time was standing still, making the room hot and uncomfortable as his breathing remained steady. He didn't know whether to act comfortable in the room or not, but he chose to go with it and have it seem that nothing could unsettle him.

Bobby was doing a pretty good job of remaining quiet and stoic in the dark corner of Mack's office until Tony turned to him. He had missed the exchange between the Puerto Rican gangster and Mack, but he caught the fire in the man's eyes.

"You were supposed to kill him, not sit on him!" Tony pointed to him as a rage filled within him.

Bobby could actually see the red pouring from the man's eyes. Tony was furious with him for disobeying his orders and taking Marc with him instead of killing him. He stared hard at Ramirez as he told him in a nearly deathly cool tone, "I don't do hits. If I did, both of you would be dead." He glanced at Haddix, who had remained silent since arriving, before looking back at Tony. "I…_negotiate_. And I think I've done a damn good job of it. I got both you here, didn't I?"

"It was my decision," Mack suddenly voiced from behind his desk. "I made the choice in sending Donovan out there, and it was my choice to trust him when he came back here with Marc, and it was my decision to change yours."

Tony was still glaring at him as he gave a slow nod in understanding. "I should've known you were goin' to back your…_mad_ dog. Seems to me he's the one who got you on the leash," he mockingly, and smugly, told Mack.

Bobby suddenly stepped forward, making Tony flinch but not move back. The mob boss was trying to show that he wasn't intimidated but he knew otherwise. Tony's eyes grew a little wider as he tensed, preparing himself. He kept his eyes on Tony as he stepped behind Mack's chair and leaned down to whisper in his ear, "May I?"

Mack didn't say a word, only giving a slight nod.

He straightened and moved slowly around the desk with his hands still easily resting on his back. "See what I did there?" Bobby asked Tony as he came to a stop beside the desk. "I asked my boss for permission," he looked over at Mack then back to Tony as he finished saying, "to speak to you."

Tony opened his mouth to speak but Bobby cut him off.

"At the warehouse…You wanted me, well, your boys to kill Marc." It wasn't a question, but a fact, yet Tony was so cocky and high on himself he answered.

"Yes, I did. I wanted that piece of shit dead. He cost me over half a million dollars."

Bobby was nodding in agreement. "Yes, he did, and all he did was run off at the mouth." He leveled Tony with a look as he asked, "Something you do?"

Tony glared hard at him as he stepped closer to him. That rage was coming back.

Bobby didn't even blink as he continued. "But it wasn't actual money, was it? It was coke. It hadn't even turned to profit yet."

"It was still a lot to lose, and I won't be getting it back."

"We can help you with that and you know it. That's why you're here," Bobby confirmed not only for himself but everyone listening in on the conversation. "That's why Haddix over there is here too, isn't it?"

Haddix only nodded. He still wasn't talking. Bobby knew that J.D. was going to be a tough one to get talking.

"Why, uh…Why don't you have a seat?" Bobby pulled over a chair for Tony to sit in and placed it in the middle of the room. "Sit," he ordered.

Tony didn't move.

Bobby stepped closer to him and looked down at the empty chair before glaring up at Tony. "Sit!"

Tony looked at Mack to gauge his reaction before sitting.

Bobby pointed at him as he said, "See what you just did?" he asked Tony. "You looked at my boss before sitting." Looking around at Carlos and Juan, he smiled. "He's your boss yet he looks to mine to-to, uh…to get confirmation to sit down."

"Hey," Tony yelled as he shot up from the chair.

Bobby was immediately on him, grabbing his shoulders and pushing him into the chair. "I didn't tell you to get up yet," he spoke softly into his ear before pushing a little hard on his shoulders as he moved away. "Mack, he trusts me." He was starting to get animated, gesturing all around and it caused the air in the room to get thicker. "He trusts me to make decisions, the _right _decisions, when he's not there to do it himself. That's what makes us better than you," he told Tony with a sneer.

Tony's hands clenched the armrests on the chair. Bobby knew he was seconds away from exploding and that was what he wanted.

"Your boys had to call you that night at the warehouse to find out what the right thing to do was, and unfortunately, you were wrong. So they were wrong. If you're angry at anybody it should be with yourself." Bobby tilted his head a little as he nodded a little while asking, "Well, are you angry with yourself?"

He heard soft chuckling coming from the right side of where he was. Looking over, Bobby saw that J.D. was finding this whole thing amusing. He pointed to Haddix as he told Tony, "You've got Haddix laughing at you. I wonder why?" he asked a little too innocently.

Tony shot up from the chair coming right at him. Bobby was expecting it as he caught the fist in a tight grip before letting Tony run right by him; using his foot, Bobby tripped him and sent him tumbling toward the wall. Tony stumbled over his own feet and landed hard against it. If Bobby knew anything about fighting it was how to avoid getting hit, use the other guy's momentum against them.

"Now I see where Juan gets that temper." Bobby readied himself again.

Tony didn't look like he was ready to back down as he pushed himself off the wall. He started toward him again and Bobby reacted fast because he didn't have time for this idiot. He pulled out his gun and aimed it at the charging man.

Sliding to a stop and staring wide-eyed at him, Tony looked over at Mack. "You said no guns, for anybody," he growled out.

"Oops," Bobby calmly said with a shrug as he leveled Tony with a glare. Then a cruel smile formed on his face as he told him, "I guess happiness really is a warm gun, except…this one's cold. How-how, uh, how should I get it warm, do you think?"

Tony blinked back at him in fear before shaking his head. "Not this time. It's empty, like before, you're just tryin' to fuck with my head."

Bobby laughed a little as he was suddenly feeling light-headed and dizzy. _Shit, not now._ "Wanna test that theory?"

"Bob," Mack's voice suddenly boomed in his ear as the lights in the room stung his eyes. "That's enough."

Bobby blinked back at the invading light that nearly blinded him as he lowered the gun. He made his way toward the same corner he had been standing motionless in. Suddenly he stopped just before he got there and turned to eye J.D. who was eyeing him. "You know what I just found out?"

J.D. looked stunned at his sudden interest in him since he had been remotely calm and silent throughout this whole thing. "What's that?"

Bobby turned to fully face him before stepping closer to him. He could feel Mack's curious eyes on him as he approached the man but gave it no mind. Stopping mere inches from Haddix, he softly told him, "You're nothing like your father."

J.D. studied him for a long moment as that sunk in. He looked shocked before his features turned to stone.

Bobby got him thinking and he smiled at that. Haddix was indeed a smart guy, and he was a man who desperately wanted to live up to his father's expectations. Being told that he wasn't, well, that was like being suckered punched. "And you know what?"

This time J.D. didn't say anything, just waited.

Bobby smiled wider. "I'm-I'm, uh…I'm nothing like my brother. Family is…family, you know." He stepped closer and leaned his head down to be staring right into Haddix's eyes as he barely whispered out, "If you…accept this offer, you'll be family." He nodded as J.D. looked toward the floor. _Got you; now, take the damn offer. Please, God, make him take the offer._

Stepping away from Haddix, Bobby finally moved back into the corner and resumed his solid, unwavering stance. Hopefully leaning back into his hands that rested on the small of his back it would keep him from falling over as his chest began rocking with in pain. Sweat started to coat his chest, back, neck, and arms as he waited to see what the men would do. More importantly, he waited to see what Haddix was going to do and/or say.

Checking the clock, he had only two minutes to go. Damn. It felt like only seconds had passed or it could have been the pain he was experiencing that caused time to feel like it was at a stand-still.

It seemed like it took the whole two minutes before J.D. finally stood from the chair he had been sitting in at the very back of the room. He nodded to two of his guards that Bobby vaguely remembered being at Haddix's house.

J.D. approached the desk and studied Mack for a minute, taking in any signs of dishonestly or ill will. Finally, he nodded as he coolly told him, "Mr. Vincennes, I'll accept your offer to join you and the Ramirez family in a joint union."

Mack was looking pleased as he asked, "Offer accepted, Mr. Haddix. And, how will you prove that you're not just jerking me around?"

Bobby held his breath as he stared hard at Haddix. He wasn't expecting Mack to ask that, but he was glad that he did because now he wouldn't have to try to get Haddix to incriminate himself. _Come on, come on…Say it._

J.D. looked taken back by the question, but he quickly recovered as he said, "I've got a shipment of my own about ready to be delivered. A quarter of a million worth. I would like--"

"Of cocaine?" Bobby suddenly asked as he continued to glare at Haddix. When J.D. only stared back at him like he was stupid, he explained, "It could be a shipment of anything."

"Yes, but it's both coke and heroine."

"See," Bobby shot back. "Anything. And we don't mess around with heroine; it's not profitable for us right now."

J.D. chuckled. "Maybe not in your neighborhood."

Bobby saw the movement under the door and he smiled at Haddix just as the door busted in. He instinctively drew his gun and aimed, but it wasn't at the bad guys. The first officer through the door swept left, the other one in went right, and the third guy, the middle man, aimed right at him.

In his mind's eye, it wasn't Fin's replacement Detective Cutler pointing his gun at him, but his ex-partner Jake. Bobby shivered as the sudden panic in him flared. Shaking his head slightly, trying to get rid of the unwanted memory, he fired then heard a ricochet at the same time his chest exploded with pain and his side stung with heat that rippled up his body.

Hitting the floor hard, his head impacted the side of the wall as everything went black.

_Jake had shot him! His own partner had turned his back on him._

_He woke up shivering and shaky with sweat covering his body; it was hard to breathe as his lungs quaked in pain. Light blurred around him as it mixed with moving shadows and static voices. Trying to move, he found his body restricted and a weight on his chest._

_Panic flared as his hands clenched in fists. A strangled sound tried to escape around the blockage in his throat as a burst of pain consumed his legs and back. The tightness in his chest grew as he tried to breathe and struggled against the weight pushing him, holding him down._

_A static filled voice rippled through the beating sound of his heart in his ears. "Mr. Goren…Detective Goren! You've got to calm down…Ambulance…you've been shot…understand? Calm…and breathe normal…"_

_His whole body exploded with pain and he heard a distorted cry. He was screaming but it sounded muffled, like it was trapped. That was when he realized there was something pressed on his face, around his nose and mouth. A heavily numb hand reached up and felt the plastic of the oxygen mask. He took a deep breath and kept doing that until he felt the burning in his lungs ease._

Bobby felt numb until someone turned him over onto his back. He tensed as his chest exploded yet again in a hot rush of pain as he his lungs begged for air. Voices that he didn't recognize scattered through his head, intensifying the pain that was pounding through it.

"…clean shot…" the voice was saying. "…it hit the vest…should be okay."

"…he doesn't look okay!" A man's voice shouted causing him to wince. His whole body was jerking as the men continued to shout in his ears.

"If he wasn't really shot…what the hell's wrong with him?"

Bobby tried to blink open his eyes but the light shining in them nearly blinded him. He groaned and the noise choked in his constricted throat. His body was rocked with a wave of coughs as he tried to breathe but the air seemed like it wasn't reaching his lungs.

Oh…God, what was happening to him? Bobby felt the panic intensify as he gripped hard on a hand that was holding him down.

"…Bobby...please…still, paramedics are trying…."

His hearing was coming and going like waves on and off the shore. Bobby's eyes sprung open into the blinding light as a mask was placed over his nose and mouth. _No, not again_, his panicked mind shouted because he couldn't get his mouth to work. He was feeling numb yet in so much pain that he had no idea what was going on. Pulling blindly at the mask, he felt a hand cover his hand before yanking it away.

"You have to keep that on," the voice told him. "Please, calm down," another voice told him.

Bobby choked out a tight and painful, "…off…" The rest of the words had been lost in his throat as he coughed and shivered.

Trying to pull at the mask again, he felt his hands being pulled down to the side of something metal before being held there. He couldn't move his arms. Why couldn't he move his arms?

"Lift!" Someone shouted in his ear before the stretcher was lifted up into the ambulance.

"Bobby, Bobby!"

"Please, ma'am, you've got to stay back!"

At suddenly hearing Alex's scared voice, and confused as to why, Bobby tried to sit up again only to be pushed back down. He felt a pull across his waist and froze as anger mixed with the panic that consumed him, making him forget about the pain that was crushing him from the head down. In one last attempt at getting up, he jerked his whole body up with his legs only to not be able to move at all as the pain in his chest forced out a strained scream that ripped from his raw throat.

Defeated and numb, he dropped down to the stretcher and blinked back at the side of a paramedics face. His breathing slowed as the air finally found its way to his lungs while the whiteness of the inside of the ambulance faded to darkness.

TBC…


	24. Ch23: The Final Nail in the Coffin

**A/N: **Sorry for the delay in updating, but I was gone for the Holidays. And thanks again and again to the wonderful people who are still reading! If you haven't reviewed yet, please do, I would love to hear from everyone reading.

* * *

He wasn't used to the quiet; it was unnerving. The silence was creeping through the heavy darkness that had settled over him, prying at his consciousness and forcing him to wake. Going to open his eyes, he found the simple task harder than normal as his eyelids felt like they were being weighed down. He groaned in frustrated and shifted, rolling his head to the side and finally willed his eyes open.

Slowly blinking into the room, it took a long moment for Bobby to realize that he wasn't in his apartment or anywhere else that was vaguely familiar. Through the blurry cloudiness that was his vision, he tried to take in the room that he was in. It looked like a motel room at first until he noticed the machines that were next to the bed. Rubbing at his straining eyes, he stared at the machine that was beeping a constant, steady rhythm.

_Hospital. _That was the only coherent thought that filled his stuffy head. Bobby rolled over onto his back as he continued trying to rub the tiredness out of his eyes and head. He felt like he was drifting with his head stuffy and light and his body sluggish and tired. It had to be the side-effects of what ever drug they had him on.

It didn't take long for his eyes to focus on the white plastered ceiling as he let his arms drop on top on his chest. That was when he felt his skin and chest hair. He was so tired that he didn't care that he didn't have a shirt on. Staring up at the ceiling, his hands rubbed over his chest and he felt the ache that rippled through it. Pressing down on a spot that sent a pain of sharp knives through his side, he looked down and saw the dark red bruises on his chest.

_Detective Culter was training his gun right on him, but who he saw in his mind was his ex-partner Jake, and the pleading look and mouthing of the words 'sorry Bobby' before the room shattered with the sound of gun shots ringing out. _

His muscles stiffened while his lungs burned; it was getting harder to take in deep breaths as the panic threatened to overtake him. He had to calm down. _I'm fine. I haven't been shot, it's okay…I'm okay. _

Bobby clenched his eyes shut as he repeated that in his head. He was okay because the vest stopped the bullets and that was why he had the bruises on his chest and not holes through it. Opening his eyes, he blinked back the wetness that was blurring his vision as he took deep long breaths before slowly letting them out.

"You're awake."

The voice startled him, making him jerk his head around which caused the room to spin. Groaning, Bobby closed his eyes and eased his right leg off the bed as he tried to regain his equilibrium. As soon as he felt like he could open his eyes without the room doing a 360, he blinked over at the doctor.

She was checking him over as she wrote on the clipboard that was balanced on her left hand. "I'm Doctor Cornell--"

"I'm fine," he grunted out of his dry throat. Bobby lifted his left arm that seemed detached from his body as he rubbed it over his numb face. He hated drugs.

Doctor Cornell just huffed out a soft laugh at his defiance. "You weren't okay when you arrived here, Mr. Goren."

At the sound of his last name, Bobby literally froze. He stared at the woman before he glanced toward the door and asked as fear sparked in his chest, twisting it, "What…uh, what hospital?"

She looked up slowly from the clipboard and gave him a comforting smile. "Manhattan General," Doctor Cornell told him. "As far as everyone is concerned, Mr. Donovan died on the way to St. Anthony's Hospital in the Bronx nearly..." she checked her watch before saying, "four hours ago."

Bobby sighed as he released a deep breath that he had been holding. It was finally over. Turning his head away from the doctor, he looked up at the ceiling just before he closed his eyes in relief. "When can I go?" he softly asked as he slowly opened his eyes to be staring at the doctor.

She glanced up at him and shook her head. "You'll be discharged after I make sure you're going to be okay. Do you know what happened to you earlier?"

Bobby was getting annoyed; he could feel the agitation in him build but he didn't give into as he shook his head 'no'. "Heart attack," he sarcastically joked as he shifted himself up on the bed. Swinging his legs over the side of the bed, he glanced up at the doctor and saw that she wasn't amused.

"Close," she told him seriously. "What you experienced could be easily mistaken for a heart attack. You have three things wrong with you. First, you're stubborn."

Bobby chuckled as he was feeling more awake and the pain was starting to swell in his chest. The effects of the pain meds were fading. "And that's wrong."

"It is when you ignore the seriousness of you health. You smoke?"

Bobby glanced at the floor as he told her, "Not anymore."

She knew he was lying. "When did you quit?"

"Uh…four hours ago." Bobby studied Doctor Cornell just as intensely as she studied him. "What're the other two things, and don't tell me my attitude and--"

"You experienced a panic attack and you had a small, partially collapsed lung, something use doctors call spontaneous pneumothorax. You shouldn't have been so stubborn to not see a doctor when you started noticing chest pains and trouble breathing because it could have been more serious."

"Pneumothorax…" Bobby thought about that condition and nodded. "You said it was small." He saw her nod in confirmation. "Then…it'll clear itself up in a week or two and I don't need treatment. I can go now." He looked around the room from his clothes and shoes; they were in the corner on a chair. "And as fair as the panic attack, if I experience any more I-I'll, uh, I'll be sure to see someone about it, but I doubt I will. Uh, where's my cell phone?"

Doctor Cornell was not pleased at his eagerness to get out of there, nor his attitude, but Bobby wasn't concerned. Despite the symptoms he was experiencing he was relatively fine. She crossed the room and opened a drawer to the desk next to the chair and pulled out a package envelope and handed it to him.

"Thanks," Bobby muttered absently as he turned it on and waited for it to find a signal. "So, that's it? No…uh, you know, prescriptions or anything?"

"No, like you said, the pneumothorax will fix itself given time. Just take it easy for the next few weeks."

Bobby huffed out a small laugh. During the next few months that would be all he could do, take it easy while on suspension. "Done." He noticed that she wasn't attempting to leave and looked up at her as he dialed a number.

She was looking annoyed as she asked, "Do you know what caused the attack?"

Bobby shrugged. "It could have been a number of things, but…I'm sure it had something to do with post-traumatic stress. That and, uh…the smoking and the chaos that has been my life for the last year, yeah, I'm sure I know what it was caused from."

"At least you're aware of your short-comings," she announced sarcastically dry.

Bobby held the phone to his ear and smiled up at the doctor. "I may be stubborn, but if there's anything I know best it's my short-comings."

Just then he heard the voice on the other line say, "So, Bobby, how does it feel to be a dead man?"

Bobby smiled at Fin's question as he watched the doctor shake her head and leave the room. "Surprisingly good; how's it goin' there?"

"Bedlam, man. The bust went down without a hitch and we got everybody involved. Vice took down that prostitution house around the same time and they got Rick in their holdup, refusing to give him to us. They're all lawyer-ing up and denying it all, imagine that."

Bobby chuckled at that. "I'm not surprised, but they can't denial the fact we've got them on tape and documentation." Fin was quiet for a long moment and he felt that impending need to snap. In that short moment when nothing was spoken, realization dawned and he breathed out heavily into the phone. "Fuck, Mack got rid of the paperwork."

"Either that or we can't find it. Look, we got them on the drugs and shit, but the child prostitution, that's gonna be hard to prove without the paperwork. Vice is all over us about not giving them time to get their case solid. We're getting heat coming from them and then the damn feds showed up demanding that we turn everything over to them. Like I said it's crazy."

Bobby dropped his head into his head, rubbing his fingers over his forehead. Christ, he needed a cigarette. His anxious hand traveled to the back of his neck as he told him, "I'm coming in."

"I'll warn the captain."

Bobby snapped his phone shut and quickly got his clothes and changed. He was still feeling a little lightheaded and off balance from whatever pain meds he had been given, but he could deal with it. Going up to the nurse's station he asked for them to page Doctor Cornell. Once he signed off on his discharge papers he would go straight to the department.

* * *

It didn't take long before he was being given those looks. Bobby ignored the stares as he jogged down the stairs and into the lower floors that housed the Narcotics department. The department was in fact in bedlam. Phones were ringing from every desk, voices were shouting from every corner, and the halls were in constant movement from officers, personnel, and people walking and some running to and from one room to another. God, he missed the every day madness of a busy squad room. He would take that over the streets any day.

He slipped off his leather jacket and tossed it onto his vacant desk chair as he headed toward his Captain's office. The charcoal grey sweater he discarded because it was ruined from the two bullet holes in it. His black t-shirt was ruined too but he didn't mind the two holes through it, and he did need something to wear.

Bobby hadn't been seen by his fellow detectives in nearly a year and the last time they saw him he was as clean-shaven as he could get and his arms were bare. He found the shocked and curious stares he was getting a little funny, and seeing how Fin was waiting outside their commander's office grinning from ear-to-ear at him made it that much more amusing for some reason. It was either that or the fact that he was finally back home that made him feel like laughing, he couldn't tell.

"There's my boy! Bob-bee!" Fin called out over the loudness of the room.

Bobby was in no mood to put up with Fin's humor just then; he had his operation to save. During the cab ride over he had come up with the only solution that he could see in doing just that. He caught sight of the sling under Fin's jacket and he immediately cringed in pain.

"Hey, now, don't give me that sympathetic look. It looks worse than it is, plus, being shot in the right arm got me off doing paperwork for a month." Fin told him as he came to a stop in front of him.

Bobby nodded and looked around the room as he asked, "Are the feds still here?"

Fin gestured toward the conference room. "They're conducting their own little pow-wow. Ready for ours?"

"As I'll ever be," he said as he opened the Captain's door and slipped inside. Fin was right behind him.

Sanders was on the phone and at spotting him, he muttered a quick, "I'll get back to you. Yeah, he's here now." Hanging up the phone, he stood and rounded the desk. "Think you can finish this?"

The skepticism in his boss's voice annoyed him. "Of course I can finish this…if," he looked back at Fin then over to the conference room. "If you're willing to let the Feds in on this."

"Absolutely not," was the quick and angered reply from Sanders.

Bobby stepped away from the captain and started slowly pacing from one wall to the other. "Look, I have a way to nail Vincennes to the wall, but it's going to take cooperation with the FBI. It's the only way," he emphasized with his expressive hands.

"Think of another way because I'm not handing this off to--"

"I'm not talking about giving it to them," he stated with enough force to make people out in the squad room turn to look at him. Bobby stopped pacing and turned to face Sanders and lowered his voice. "I'm talking about a-a, uh, joint prosecution. We get him for the state charges and let them bring him up on the federal in exchange for protection of the witness."

Sanders eyed him curiously as he asked, "What witness?"

Bobby smiled a little too smugly as he told him, "Brenda Vincennes. I'll get her to roll on her husband, give us _everything_, and we'll offer her witness protection, for her and her son."

Sanders had the audacity to laugh at him. "You think you can get her to cooperate?"

"She wants it," Bobby told him like he knew it to be fact. "I've seen the desperation in her eyes, okay, and when she tried to warn me about the things Mack was doing, about the prostitution…she-she was trying to reach out. Yeah, it was to me, a-a man who she believed to be another criminal, but that's because she felt safe in confiding in me."

"I don't know, Bobby," Fin finally spoke up from the wall he was leaning against. "She wouldn't roll on him before, what makes you think she'll give him up now?"

"Because now it involves those girls." Bobby glanced over at Fin before addressing Sanders. Gripping the back of the chair he was standing in front of, he told him, "If it was just the drugs, she could deal with that. She was used to it and liked the money that came from it, but…" he shook his head. "But the prostitution…I don't see her, as a woman and mother, being able to put up with that." He looked from his captain to Fin and back. "I can do this. Just, give me a couple minutes with her."

"You?" Fin pushed off the wall and shook his head. "You can't blow your cover to them. Let me talk to her."

Bobby straightened and rubbed at his neck. "No offense, but I have to do it. I know the consequences, but I'm certain she won't say anything about me to Mack or anyone else whether she agrees or not."

"That's not a certainty, Goren," Sanders told him as he rested back against his desk and crossed his arms. "However, if you want to take that chance then…let's do it. What about the Feds? How are you going to get them to cooperate and go along with this?"

Bobby stared at his boss and silently wondered if maybe he wanted Brenda to give him up. He nodded despite the paranoia that started pounding at his head. Pulling out his cell, he called his FBI Agent friend Steve Norton. "I know a guy," he simply told him as he waited for Steve to pick up. "Hey, it's Bobby. You know what we were talking about before about Brenda Vincennes?...Yeah, uh, we're ready to go with that…" He looked at the clocked and nodded into the phone. "See you in two hours." Snapping his phone shut, he looked up at his boss. "It's a deal."

Sanders didn't look too pleased at not being informed about this whole plan earlier, but he nodded anyway. "Get Mrs. Vincennes in an interrogation room," he told Fin. "Goren, stay put. I want a word with you."

Bobby watched as Fin left the office and closed the door behind him. He turned to face the captain and prepared himself for the worse.

Sanders studied him for a moment before rounding the desk and sitting down. He gestured for him to sit as well.

Bobby eyed Sanders before moving around to the front of the chair and sitting down on the edge of it; he didn't want to get too comfortable because he knew he would be up in a minute.

Sanders was quiet for a second as he stared at the phone. Pointing to it, he let him in on what he wanted to talk about. "That was Devin Hollenbaugh, Captain of the Bronx Narcotics Division. I've been having a lengthy conversation with him over the past few days. It seems one of his detectives, an undercover, was recently taken to the hospital where he is in stable condition and awaiting discharge. This undercover told his captain about one of the gangsters, named Bobby, saving his life. He asked Captain Hollenbaugh if he could talk to me about being…_lenient _when it came to charging this gangster."

Bobby sat back in the chair as that settled heavily in him. He smiled to himself as he was given the news that Marc was okay, and that he was right in thinking that the guy was undercover. "Then…grant me leniency," he told Sanders. "If I can deliver you Vincennes, and the rest, put in my transfer."

Sanders thought that over before telling him, "I'm still going to put you on suspension for the shooting at Haddix's house. That, plus the time I have to give you for the transitional phase back into the PD…You'll have two months to see if Major Case will pick you up. If not, you will report back here once you're re-instated."

Bobby got up and went to the door. That was all he wanted to hear. As he headed over to his empty desk to fill out the transfer forms, he spotted Detective Cutler walking toward him on his way to the break room.

Cutler pointed at him; smirking he asked playfully, "Didn't I shoot you?"

Bobby grinned at the cop as he sat down and took a pen off Fin's desk. "You missed…twice," he teased back.

"Good to have ya back, Goren," Cutler told him as he continued to walk to the break room. "Want some coffee? How'd you take it?"

"Just cream, and please. The pain meds I got because of your bad aim is making me sleepy."

"Better sleepy than dead; or at least, that's what I was going for."

Bobby started in on filling out the transfer request form as he waited for Brenda to be ready for his questioning and sudden emergence from the dead. It didn't take long before the form was completed and the one cup of coffee turned into three. He was sitting on Cutler's desk talking about what happened after the bust went down as he continued to wait.

"I'm telling you, Goren, you had us freaked out. I thought that I actually shot you. I mean, you were hyperventilating and white as a fuckin' ghost. Was it shock, from hitting your head on the wall?"

Bobby didn't remember hitting his head, but that explained the aching and bump that he felt on the side of it. "Could have been," he lied. He didn't want anyone to know about the real reason he freaked out. "I don't remember and I was fine when I woke up. So, did you have to shoot anyone else?"

"I wish, but as soon as you went down the other guys didn't even put up a fight. Mack was shocked and standing there looking like a deer in the headlights. I think he might have been grief-stricken with Donovan's demise."

Bobby chuckled as he took a long gulp the bitter coffee. He was getting antsy and fidgety as he shifted on the desk and tapped his fingers repeatedly on the cup he was nursing in both hands. "What else?"

Cutler shrugged and leaned back in the chair looking up at him. "Not much, I mean…we arrested everyone and got all the evidence out of Vincennes office. The usual shit. Oh, there was a woman who showed up while we were putting you in the ambulance."

Bobby stilled as he glared at the floor. Nervously glancing up at the detective, he tried to see if he knew who she was. If Cutler did, he wasn't saying. "Who…uh, who was she?"

Cutler was eyeing him suspiciously as he moved his chair back-and-forth. "She said she worked there, at the club, was a bartender and knew you. A short petite blond, tough as nails…and extremely pissed off."

Alex didn't give up her cover, and she wasn't at the house taking down the child prostitution ring. She was there, had witnessed the bust and him being brought out on the stretcher and supposedly dying from gunshot wounds.

Bobby downed the rest of the coffee and suddenly wished it was something a hell of a lot stronger. He thought he had heard her voice but he wasn't for certain if he had actually heard her or not. At that time he thought so, then after he woke up he couldn't remember if he did or not.

"You know her?"

He took a breath and gave a curt nod as he slid off the desk. Fin appeared back in the squad room with Steve next to him. Steve caught his eye and waved for him to follow them. Bobby tossed the empty cup into the trash and went to follow his partner. "Uh, th-thanks," he told Cutler as he started toward the hallway where Fin and Steve disappeared down.

"Good luck," Cutler called after him.

Bobby found Fin waiting outside one of the interrogation rooms. "Where's Agent Norton?"

"Observation room with the captain. Mrs. Vincennes on the way in now; she's being escorted down by an officer."

Bobby nodded. He was debating if he wanted to be in the room when she walked in or not. "I'll, uh…be in the room waiting for her." Opening the door to the interrogation room, he smiled at Fin as he asked, "Wanna get a drink after work?"

"One last beer with you as my partner, hell yeah, but only if you get this conviction. If not, I don't want to know you after today," Fin said with a teasing glint in his eye.

Bobby laughed as he nodded, "I'll get it, don't worry." He went into the room and glanced at the two-way mirror before pulling out a chair and sitting with his back to it.

Taking a couple of deep breaths, he was able to get his nervous energy under control before the door to the room slightly opened. Bobby looked up from the table and stood as Brenda walked into the room.

Upon seeing him, Brenda froze and stared at him in shock. She covered her mouth with her hand and stood in-front of the door, unmoving. Bobby knew that it would be a shock for her to see him alive, but he wasn't expecting the sudden anger that filled her eyes seconds later. She took two steps toward him and brought her right hand around, smacking him across his left cheek.

The smack stung but he barely moved and when she tried to do the same to the right side of his face, Bobby caught her left wrist in his hand and gripped it hard. She had yet to say a word and he had yet to take his eyes off hers.

"You…" she went to say but couldn't get another word out of her trembling lips. "You…" Brenda tried again to no avail.

Bobby filled it for her. "Bastard cop?"

She yanked her hand out of his and stepped away from him before going around to the other side of the table, distancing herself far away from him as possible. Her hands were shaking slightly as her breathing became labored. Bobby didn't say anything; he was going to wait for her to regain herself first.

Brenda smoothed back her hair and straightened her posture as she looked at the opposite wall. She was trying to remain strong. Finally, she turned to look at him as she asked, "So, who are you?"

He didn't answer her as he continued to stay standing. "It doesn't matter," Bobby told her as he studied her eyes closely. She was angry with him, but he also saw relief and something else in her eyes…Defeat, maybe. "Please, Brenda, have a seat." He gestured to the chair and waited.

She looked like she was going to put up a fight toward him but it quickly died down as she sat down and folded her hands in her lap.

Bobby sat across from her and glanced at the table. He was trying to figure out how to start this as he shifted his eyes from the table to her. Getting it straight in his head, he leaned forward on the table and rubbed at the back of his head. "You have every right to be…angry, with me. You feel like…like I betrayed you, your trust and, uh…" he gestured around as he tried to figure out the right things to say. "You feel like I took advantage of you, of your…position."

"I'm Mack's wife, of course you did. Who else is closer to him than me?"

Bobby nodded a little. "No one, just you. But, I never came to you for…anything, except to help you. To help your son."

"Leave my son out of this, Bobby." She suddenly chuckled as she sat back in the chair. "Hell, I don't even know if that's really your name."

Bobby smiled a little as he dropped his hand from the back of his neck and tilted his head to be studying her. "I can't leave your son out of this, Brenda, he's a big part of what I'm doing here." He leaned closer to her and fixed his eyes on hers. "Your son deserves a life, a better life than the one he's going to get if…If you are put away."

"Don't tell me what my son needs," Brenda sharply told him. "I know what he needs, what's best for him."

Bobby dropped his eyes to the table as he felt like he was being scolded by his own mother. "I'm sure you do. And you know that he doesn't need the influence of his father, especially now." He tentatively looked up at her, showing her that he felt for her. In her own way, she was trying the best she could to take care of her son. "Not now, not after the things he has done. The drugs was one thing, it was easy to ignore that. To tell Lucas that his father was just…What, Brenda? What were you going to tell him when he started asking questions or when Mack decided to take him with him to the office, or on a deal so he can learn the family business?"

She looked away from him and stared at the wall. Her face was solid but her eyes were starting to water.

He rubbed his hands over his face before continuing. "Maybe that would have been, uh," he had to clear his throat, "okay. You could rationalize that, but...not Maria, you couldn't rationalize her or all those other girls."

Brenda was starting to break at that. She tried to regain her composer but her face was starting to tremble along with her lips. "It doesn't matter now," she finally told him. "Mack's going away…I'm going away, what does it matter?"

Bobby frowned at her before looking back to the table when she looked at him. "Lucas will be placed in foster care, a ward of the state and growing up in the system, or…I bet anything that Mack has a lot of people that can…keep an eye on Lucas. Men, like your husband, they want their children to, uh, to follow in their footsteps, especially their sons. You know that if he's in foster care, he could be approached by anyone. Mack's friends can get to Lucas."

She was shaking her head at him. "No, he won't…"

"He won't take his own son? He won't have people take him and…and-and fly him out of the country? He won't tell Lucas that his mother abandoned him…that you…that you were the reason that his family was broken up? He won't lie to him to get him to be the man that he wants him to be, and that man he wants Lucas to be exactly like him."

Brenda looked hard at him as she took that in. "Oh…God," she breathed out. "I…I can't let him do that to my baby."

Bobby felt the relief in him as he nodded a little. "Then don't let him."

"How? There's nothing I can do."

"Yes, there is," Bobby told her as he shifted closer to her across the table. Speaking softly only to her he said, "You can give us everything you have on him, any documents he's hiding that proves what he's been doing with those girls and if it goes to court…testify against him."

Brenda shook her head at that last part. "Then he'll know and he'll come after me."

Bobby took on of her shaky hands in his and gave it a soft squeeze as he told her, "This deal isn't just for me and the NYPD, but the FBI as well, and in exchange for your testimony they'll put you in witness protection. You and Lucas. No one will be able to find you, not even me. There will be no time spent in prison, no giving Lucas up to strangers…You have an opportunity to give him this better life, away from Mack and all this. I know…I know you're strong enough to do this, not only for yourself but for your son. Please," he pleaded with her as he asked, "take this deal."

She was staring right into his eyes as she thought everything over. Her eyes were conflicted and watering as she struggled at what to do. "Okay," Brenda told him with a warm yet determined smile. "I'll tell you everything."

Bobby let out a deep breath and smiled back. "You won't regret doing this." He got up and nodded at the two-way mirror.

In seconds, Steve walked into the room and shook his hand before introducing himself to Brenda. Bobby was about to leave the room when Brenda stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. He stood confused for a moment before she pulled him into a hug.

"I'm glad you're not dead," she told him before letting him go.

Bobby smiled at her before leaving the room. Going into the observation room, he leaned against the mirror as he watched but barely listened to Brenda telling Steve everything.

"Well done, Goren," Sanders told him. "With her testimony there's no chance Vincennes or anyone else getting off on this."

Bobby numbly nodded before pushing off the mirror and leaving the room. His job there was done and he felt like going home and sleeping for the rest of the day.

Fin came up to behind him and patted him on the shoulder. "27 arrests and soon to be 27 conviction rate…perfect record. There's no way Major Case can turn you down with a record like that."

Bobby gave Fin a smile as he gathered up his jacket off his chair and slipped it on. "Let's hope. What about you? Have you put in your request to Special Victims?"

"Yes, sir, and I got a call from Captain Cragen with the Manhattan unit about a job." Fin was beaming as he took a seat on top of his desk. He was watching him closely as he asked, "So, I'll give you a call later on about meeting for that drink."

He nodded a little as he looked at his empty desk one last time. Bobby was never good with good-byes, and even though this wasn't exactly one since he would be seeing Fin later, he felt like he had to say something. When nothing came to mind, he rubbed at his head and shook it. "See ya later, man."

"Later, partner," Fin said as he watched him leave the department.

TBC…


	25. Ch24: Say Goodbye on a Night like This

**A/N: **I want to thank all the new people who have reviewed this story and to all my loyal reviewers! Also, thank you to everyone reading my story!

* * *

As soon as Bobby stepped into his apartment, he slung his duffel bag into the corner by the door and choked on the smell of dust and stale air that assaulted him. He took a once over his apartment and shook his head at the dust accumulation around the places that Lewis didn't clean or even get near, like his bookshelves. He was going to kick Lewis's ass.

"I'm going to have to hire a cleaning lady," he mumbled bitterly as he headed toward his bedroom.

Going down the hall to his bedroom, he was afraid to open the door with fear of what awaited him. To his relief, it was clean and it seemed like the bed hadn't been slept in for days. He pulled out clean clothes from the dresser and grabbed a button-down flannel from the closet and headed straight to the bathroom.

The hot water from the shower seemed to ease his tight muscles and relax him as he washed furiously at his arms with rubbing alcohol. Water mixed with dark colors that slowly disappeared from his arms, leaving his natural skin underneath. For one day a month for the past year he had to have the fake tattoos redone to keep them from fading and now he was finally able to scrub and scrub until they completely faded for good.

After he cleaned himself up, he dried and pulled on a pair of boxers and blue jeans before lathering his face with shaving cream. It was finally time to shave and he couldn't have been happier to run that razor along his face. If it hadn't been for the fact that he spent a year undercover as Donovan with that look, he probably wouldn't have minded keeping it. However, he needed to start feeling like his old self again, back to being strictly Bobby Goren, and in order to do that he had to kill Donovan for good.

It didn't take long before he splashed his face with warm water and looking in the mirror he saw himself and only himself. He debated about trimming his hair, keeping it short, but he didn't feel like it. Fuck it, he would let it grow out.

As he left the bathroom, he tugged on his white t-shirt and pulled on his flannel. Turning on the stereo, he let whatever CD Lewis had in it play while he ventured to the kitchen. He pulled out a beer from the fridge as he tried to figure out what to do first.

He had nothing to do; not a thing. Going through his bills he saw that Lewis had been making sure they had been paid on-time and the cabinets were in pretty good shape with food. The place did need cleaning; he figured he could do that while he also did the laundry that he had been neglecting for over a week.

The music by 'The Cure' was definitely not helping as it was depressing the hell out of him. He turned it off and went over to the window that was to the fire escape and pushed it open. Staring out at the streets of Brooklyn, he smiled at the familiar sights and sounds of the neighborhood. He missed home.

He hadn't felt this relaxed and comfortable since the last time he was with Alex at her apartment. Bobby immediately tensed at the thoughts of her that invaded his mind. He couldn't imagine what she was thinking or feeling just then. The more he thought about her, the angrier he got with himself. He thought that he was betraying her because he knew that he was alive and well and she didn't. The last time she saw him, he was being strapped down on a stretcher and being loaded into an ambulance.

She had to be furious with him for not telling her about it. He had the opportunity to take her aside and explain to her how the bust was going to go down, that they were going to have to shoot him and pretend that he had died. Alex wasn't supposed to have been there, she wasn't supposed to see him like that.

Christ, her husband died the same way except his death was real and Donovan's was just on a piece of paper. How could he make her relive that horror all over again? What kind of man did that make him?

She had to know that it wasn't real, that it had been part of the plan. She had to know that he was okay…

Getting up, he found his cell phone on the bathroom counter where he had placed it when he showered and flipped it open. Strolling through the numbers, he found Alex's cell. Running his thumb over the numbers, he felt a desperate need to call her, but also fearing the call. She was probably taken off of her undercover job as well and she could be at the department. He didn't know what to do because he was conflicted with what he wanted.

He strolled back into the living room with the cell still open in his hand as he stared at the number until it blinked off. He was taking too much time wrestling with his warring heart that he was losing the nerve to call. _Fucking coward_, he mentally kicked himself as he tossed the phone on the kitchen counter.

* * *

Alex stood in the observation room staring at Rick's cocky smile as he was trying to deny his involvement in the child prostitution ring. She felt her stomach turn as he mentioned Bobby's name and her anger flared at the implication he was making toward the man she knew to be a detective. Rick's lies weren't going to fly far as she saw an FBI Agent enter the room and sit down next to Jacobs and his partner Mitchell. When the Agent presented a file in front of Rick and pulled out a piece of paper, she watched with a sense of satisfaction as Rick paled and finally shut his mouth.

"Good job, Alex," her captain told her as he walked into the room.

She looked over at her captain, Manning, and smiled. "It wasn't me."

Manning shook his head at her dismissal. "You got him on film that night when he left with that girl, Maria. If you hadn't done that stake-out, we wouldn't have been able to prove that he knew about it before today. And with the documents Mrs. Vincennes gave up implicating everyone involved…Whoever that undercover was with Narcotics, he did a damn good job…"

Alex tensed at the mention of Bobby and looked down at the floor. She was certain that his death, well Donovan's, was part of the plan they had. They had to get rid of him somehow, and that was a reasonable way of doing it.

Still, she wished he would have told her about it, trusted her enough to warn her. Instead, she had to see the scene unfold outside the club and watch in fear as he was being brought out surrounded by medics and being strapped down to the stretcher.

Her fear and worry spiked when she saw that he was actually in distress. Bobby was good, but there was no way he could have faked the pain and sheer panic and terror on his face when he was being held down. There was something wrong with him for real. She had no idea if the cop that had been assigned the job to shoot him actually missed the vest or if it was something else.

The doctors couldn't tell her anything and neither could the police; for the sake of Bobby's safety once he was reinstated with the PD, it couldn't be talked about or discussed outside of the department.

She would just have to wait and see if he tried to contact her while he was off work for his transitional period out of the world of undercover Narcotics officer. Alex didn't like the prospects of that happening at all; knowing Bobby, or at least knowing his fears, he wouldn't contact her while he waited his fate with the PD.

He would sulk and push everybody away. Bastard. Moron. Idiot. Alex sighed as she shook her head. He may have been all those things at the moment, but he was also one of the best men she had ever known, and the best and the only other lover she has had since her husband. She couldn't shake the anger in her, nor the sense of betrayal she felt at his inability to trust her and to show her the same loyalty she had shown to him.

In a way, she was glad she didn't have to work with his stubborn, unstable ass anymore. He would just cause her nothing but grief in the long run. Yet, she was missing him like an addiction. Bobby was driving her crazy and he wasn't even there with her. As she turned and started to leave the observation room, she wondered if she would ever find out his real name or if they were destined to know who they really were or not.

She stopped just outside the door and turned to face Manning. "Captain, I would like to go ahead with my request to transfer out of Vice now."

Manning eyed her for a long moment before asking, "Are you sure? You love it here."

She nodded. "Yeah, I'm sure. It's time, and with this case nearly finished…I'm ready for a change."

He smiled slightly as he followed her out of the room. "Was it Major Case that you were requesting?"

Alex nodded as she walked in-step with her captain to his office. "I think I earned my right to be there."

"That you have. Well, if they accept your request, we're going to miss you. If you ever want to come back…" He let the offer stand as he opened up the top drawer in his desk and pulled out the transfer she had filled out nearly two months ago. "I'll send this right over to 1PP. Why don't you take the rest of the day off; paperwork can wait until tomorrow."

Alex thanked her boss and headed to her desk to pack some things to take home. Hopefully soon she would be cleaning her desk out for good with Vice.

* * *

Bobby was asleep on his newly washed sheets when his cell phone rang. He grumbled into the pillow and searched around the nightstand for the phone. He had two cell phones, his real one and the one he had used while undercover. The 'Donovan phone' as he called it would have to be turned over to the PD to be cleaned out and then discarded. It was his real phone that was ringing. That was a very good thing because he couldn't answer the other one due to the fact that Donovan was now a dead man.

"…'ello," he grunted into the phone. It was Fin and Bobby smiled at his friend's voice.

"You awake, Superman?"

Bobby chuckled as he closed his eyes and stretched out on his back. "Ye--," he muffled a yawn with his right hand as he tried to wake up. "Mmm, 'm awake." He rubbed a hand over his face and blinked up at the vaguely familiar sight of his ceiling. "What's up?"

"I'm getting off work. Wanna meet for that drink you owe me?"

Bobby frowned into the phone. "I owe you shit. I saved your life, man, you owe me."

Fin was laughing as he told him, "Alright, you win. I'll buy the first round. We're heading over to the bar now." He didn't have to say which one; they went to the same bar after work. It was a cop bar and everybody knew the place.

"Yeah…And who's we?" Bobby asked as he slowly got out of bed and looked around for the jeans and flannel he had tossed somewhere.

"We, as in the department. They heard about your transfer and they all want to see you off."

Bobby huffed out a laugh. "More like celebrate the fact they don't have to put up with me anymore. Hey, just 'cause I put the transfer in doesn't mean I'm gonna get it."

"Stop with the negativity. You'll get it. Deakins liked you, a lot."

"Doesn't mean the Chief of D's likes me, and he's the one that has the final say." Bobby found the clothes he was searching for on the floor in the bathroom and started dressing. "Give me, uh…Give me about twenty minutes and I'll be there."

"Please, you can't make it from Brooklyn to here in twenty by subway. I'll see you in an hour."

* * *

Fin was right, it took him about an hour to get to the bar and it was packed, putting him on the edge of awareness and sanity. He hated packed bars and clubs and now since working in one, he really didn't like them. His head was starting to pound a little but it was nothing that a good shot of whiskey couldn't cure.

Andy, the bartender and owner, had the best shot glasses he had ever seen in his life. The glasses were from Sweden and they were round on the bottom, so he couldn't sit the shot down and take his time drinking it. Slamming the shot back, he handed the glass back to Andy and picked up his re-filled glass of Scotch and headed back over to the pool table where Fin was waiting for him.

It was a maze trying to get around everyone. Some of the people he recognized from the Narcotics department, others were new faces to him, and all of them blurred around him as he ungracefully stumbled his way across the floor.

"What took you so long, trying to avoid my mad skillz?"

Bobby smirked and leaned against the wall as he eyed the pool table. "I was giving you a chance to walk away."

Fin gave him a mocking smirk of his own and tossed the rack onto a table against the other wall. "I'll break."

"And scratch," he quickly added as Fin took the shot. To his dismay, Fin knocked three balls in on the break. "Shit."

Fin won the first game, but the second was his since Fin was too distracted by a woman who was a homicide detective from Queens that he used to date. Bobby watched his partner try his charm on the woman only for her to accept the drink he bought but took off a little later with a group of women the detective had come in with.

"You see that!"

Bobby chuckled as he finished off his Scotch and walked pass Fin, toward the bar to get another drink. "I saw a very smart woman diss your ass."

Fin glared at him as he picked up the rack and went to re-rack the balls for another game. The tie breaker game. "You're lucky I like you, Goren. And while you're at it, get me another beer."

Bobby maneuvered his way back to the bar and paid Andy for this Scotch and another beer for Fin. As he waited, he ventured slowly but surely over to the jukebox and took his time reading through the music selection. As he made a few choices, he felt someone brush up next to him. Looking down at whomever was standing next to him, he smiled at the woman he saw standing there smiling up at him.

"And just where have you been for the past year?"

Bobby shook his head at his ex-girlfriend Lola. He had dated her for a brief time before he went undercover. "Been…busy, workin'."

"Where, Mars?"

He wished; it would have been less dangerous. "What can I say, they made me an astronaut and launched me into space," he told her dryly as he headed back over to the bar to pick up his and Fin's drinks.

Lola was following him. "So, Bobby, are you here for good or are you going to disappear on me again?"

Bobby glanced down at the woman. Lola was standing really close to him, leaning into his right side and giving him that smile that used to drive him crazy, but right then the tall brunette wasn't what he wanted. She was too much and not enough of what he was craving. "I didn't disappear on you. We weren't seeing each other anymore and I didn't think I had to call you to let you know that I was working."

She rolled her eyes at his frustration. Now Bobby remembered why they didn't work out, she didn't have the patience for him. A lot of people didn't. "Save me the melodrama, Goren, all I want to know is if you're going to buy me a drink."

He laughed at that. "No, all you want to know is if I'm going to take you home." Bobby downed half the drink in his hand before he started to walk away from her.

Lola stopped him with a hand on his arm; her eyes were sparkling as she playfully asked, "Are you?"

Bobby smiled sweetly as he leaned down closer to her and told her as gently as possible, "Like I said before, you're too good for me. And besides, you still got those damn cats. I can smell 'em on you." He heard his words starting to slur and knew that he was getting close to drunken oblivion. Turning, he left her standing there stunned as he found his way back to the pool table.

Fin was watching him as he un-charismatically stumbled up to the pool table and sat the beer bottle down hard on it. He whistled softly before telling him, "Whoa, that girl looks pissed."

He was confused for a second before he glanced over his shoulder and saw that Lola wasn't giving up on him that easily. Bobby dropped his head and sighed in annoyance. He had to give it to her, she was persistent.

"Why don't you take her up on her offer?" Fin asked him in confusion. "You've got to be jonesing for some action. Hell, if I was undercover for a whole year and then a girl like that approached me, I'll want to get a lil' somethin' something'."

Bobby stared hard at Fin and didn't know if he wanted to laugh or hit him. "I don't want a little anything from her. We used to date, man. I don't want to…start anything. Besides, she doesn't want one night; she wants me to marry her."

Fin was chuckling by now. "Please, right now, she'll take a minute with you. And with how drunk you are that's how long you'll be able to last."

Bobby shook his head and eyed the drink in his hand. He took a few sips and watched as Fin took his beer and sipped at it as he watched Lola over his shoulder. Curious as to what she was doing behind his back, he turned and watched as she started to dance with another man.

"I think she's tryin' to make you jealous."

Bobby watched the display with indifference. It wouldn't matter to him if she took the man to the floor and started going at it right then and there, he felt nothing for his once girlfriend. "And here I told her she was too good…Why'd women do that?"

Fin leaned against the pool table next to him and crossed his arms. "Do I look like one?"

Bobby took a moment to look Fin over and smirked as he said, "You keeping that pony-tail?"

"Fuck you."

Bobby couldn't help but laugh at himself, and Fin. Hell, he felt like laughing at everyone and thing. "We are jealous," he said as answering his own question. "I got jealous once. Been dating a girl for couple months, but she got sick of me and broke it off. Anyway, I saw her, I don't know, seven months later with some other guy. They were…arguing and he grabbed her…He didn't hurt her, just, you know, grabbed her to keep her from walking away and I…um, I just…snapped, hit the guy. Even though we hadn't been dating, I still felt the need to, uh, to protect her."

"She get mad at you for beating the guy up?"

Bobby shook his head. "At the time, she seemed glad. I think she had enough of him 'cause she let me walk her home. Two months later she remembered why she broke up with me in the first place. We're still friends."

Fin was laughing. "Took her two months to remember?"

Bobby smirked. "What can I say, I'm irresistible at first. It takes 'em two months to see past the charm."

"Or get sick of it if it's all you're giving them."

Bobby nodded a little as he watched as Lola started making-out with the guy; he dropped his eyes to be staring at his shoes instead of at his once girlfriend.

Fin suddenly glared at him. "We gonna play or what?"

"I've been ready. You're the one trying to get around losing to me by talking about…girls and feelings." Bobby barely had enough time to dodge the cue chalk that was thrown his direction. "Come on, Fin, you know once you start me up…I'll never stop!" He started singing the first song he had chosen to play. As _Start Me Up_ by the 'The Rolling Stones' played he kept singing and yelling it across the bar at a detective he knew from Brooklyn who was yelling it back at him. Soon, half the bar was singing along with them.

Fin couldn't stop laughing the entire time. Shaking his head he told him, "You're one crazy white boy. I bet you jumped off bridges when you were a kid just for hell of it."

"I didn't jump off bridges…but I did put a cigarette out in my hand once. Hurt like hell so I laughed it off." Bobby eyed Fin seriously before smiling. "I lied, I jumped off Canarsie Pier a few times, but technically that's not a bridge."

It only took twenty minutes to play the last game. Bobby had lost because he was too busy singing and dancing along to the songs he had selected to play the game properly. Plus the alcohol had caused him to see four eight balls on the table and he couldn't tell which one was real.

Fin had returned from the restroom and nudged him on the shoulder as he sat down next to him at the bar. He was still laughing at him as he ordered another beer. "I gotta admit, Bobby, I've never seen anyone dance so good to _Thank You_ by 'Sly & the Family Stone' before. Shit-faced drunk and all, you still dance better than anybody I know."

Bobby chuckled as he itched to borrow a smoke off the traffic cop next to him on his left. "I should play that one again," he mumbled as he glided the glass back-and-forth from one hand to the other. He was pass drunken oblivion and close to passing out. It was now a matter of time. "I like…dancing. Every man should-should, uh, should know how to dance with his woman…or man, whatever your preference."

Fin eyed him and then looked down at the drink he had yet take a sip of. "I think you've reached your limit."

"You think I'll get that transfer?" He was now studying Fin as he turned on the stool. Leaning his left side against the bar, Bobby waited for Fin's answer.

Fin shrugged a little as he took a sip of the beer. "Don't know."

Bobby nodded a little. His movements were heavy and overly done because he couldn't judge what was fast or what was slow. He hated being drunk, but he had given up caring hours ago. "No, I mean it. Am I…good enough to get it? Major Case is…it's…the best of the best."

Fin looked slightly uncomfortable as he fiddled with the bottle in his hands. "Yeah, you're good enough. You're the smartest detective I know."

"But…" he prompted for Fin to continue.

"But nothin'," Fin told him as he took a long drink.

"Bullshit. If there isn't anything else you won't be peeling that label off the bottle and you'll be lookin' me in the eye."

Fin looked over at him and smiled a little. "Perceptive son-of-a-bitch, even when you're seeing double. I can be perceptive too, and I know that this isn't about what I think, but what you think. You don't think you'll get in, why?"

Bobby turned away from Fin and stared down at the drink that was clutched in his hands. He finally brought the glass up and took a sip of the amber liquor. If he hadn't been drinking he would have never breached the subject and he never would have felt like explaining, but he was drinking. "I'm not good, with…partners…the Brass…all the, uh…political shit that-that comes from the, uh…comes from and with being the Chief of D's go-to guy. That's what you are when you're with Major Case. Everyone in the department sees you as-as the Chief of Detective's Detective."

"And you don't want to be that?"

"I _can't_ be that. I mean, the reason I want to go to Major Case has nothin' to do wi-with…with…advancement, politically. It has nothin' to do with that title, or…uh, that status of being the Chief's detective. The Chief doesn't even like me…personally, he doesn't like me," he quickly added. "He likes my record, my numbers, but…I'm not…" he trailed off and shook his head. "Am I making sense?"

Glancing over, he saw that Fin was watching him closely but he wasn't saying anything. Fin had learned to just let him talk and eventually he would work it out on his own. He just needed to say it out loud and hear what was making his head hurt so damn bad.

Bobby took his eyes off his soon-to-be ex-partner and stared down into the depths of his glass like it had all the answers waiting for him at the bottom of it. "I-I, uh…I can't go back to Narcotics. It'll kill me." He took another long drink of the alcohol before saying, "If my request is turned down I'm…I'm gonna quit."

Fin groaned and sighed loudly next to him in frustration. "You can't quit. If you quit, you _will_ go crazy. You need to be a cop like a fish needs water."

"I know," he said softly, and sadly. He was dependent on his job because that was who he was. He was a cop, nothing else mattered. Bobby rubbed the back of his neck, feeling the heated friction he was creating and closed his eyes. His whole body felt like it was on the 'Tilt-A-Whirl' at Coney Island as his balance was thrown off and his stomach did a back-flip. Opening his eyes, he eyed the rest of the alcohol in the glass, debating if he should down it and finish it off. "You know what I decided?" he suddenly said out of nowhere.

"What?" Fin asked before he took a long pull off the bottle.

"I decided that I'll never use physical violence again, as a means for anything." Bobby shook his head back-and-forth. "If working the Job taught me anything, it's that violence gets you nothing except…more violence. It accomplishes nothing," he said with as much control as he could manage. His words were trying to betray him and slur into one long unpronounceable mass of annoying noise.

Fin huffed out a laugh. "That's a shame, man, seeing how you have that…that something that makes people fear you more than God. And what makes it really scary is that, sometimes, we don't even know what it is?"

Bobby eyed his friend in confusion as he asked, "What're you talkin' 'bout?" He must have been really drunk if he couldn't figure that out on his own.

"That…lingering intensity you have goin' on. Something's hidden in you and it's always just under the surface, ready to explode or somethin'. It shifts sometimes from a depressive coldness to a murderous rage. It's what makes the people around you scared of you, you know? It pours off you like heat off of black pavement. And it makes you an asshole to work with and a freak to be friends with. I mean, despite your amazing record, you're not very popular in the department."

Bobby glared hard at Fin who held up his hands.

"I'm just sayin'. You weird people out because you let no one in; no one knows who you are. That kind of not knowing makes people jump to conclusions and makes them uncomfortable, especially when they're your partner or working around you. It makes them not know what to expect or sometimes trust you. _I_ trust you, but I can't tell you why, just that I do. And now, I'm here, listenin' to you talk about quitting the force if you don't get a transfer out and never using violence again…I mean I get it, but then again I don't because I don't know you. I don't know why you're willing to leave just 'cause you have to stay in Narcotics. So, are you goin' to help me out, Bobby, or are you not goin' to let me in as usual?"

"I told you. Haven't you been listening?" Bobby was so close to losing his temper that his voice was trembling with hostility. "I can't go back to being a Narc because that…_world_, it'll take me over and…eat me alive. You can only take that shit for so long before you become…'fore you become…the enemy. Jake turned, he fuckin' turned and shot me, nearly killed me over that…shit!" He slammed his hand on the bar causing the traffic cop to stare wide at him. "I can't become that," he emphasized as he pointed a finger from his aching hand at Fin. "I can't let myself slip into the easy emptiness of apathy and sell my fucking soul to that world. The apathy will take over until…'til…" he couldn't say the rest that was burning in the back of his throat. "I just can't, that's all."

Fin was quiet as he stared over at him with a look that Bobby had never seen on his friend's face. Finally, he leaned down close to him and asked, "That _is_ your last drink, right?"

Bobby blinked back and looked down at the rest of the alcohol in the glass before staring back at Fin. "Fuck you." He pushed himself off the stool and headed for the back of the bar, to the exit.

"Bobby! Hey, Goren, wait up!"

Bobby didn't turn around or try to slow down as he pushed the door open and headed across the parking lot. He had taken the subway so he had no car to leave in, which was a good thing. He couldn't really see straight, or walk straight without things like the ground tilting and swirling around him. Why wouldn't the ground just open up and swallow him already. "No, Fin, I confided in you and you fucking…pissed me off. But, it's 'kay, I'm used to it. Used to people turning on me, not listening, not…caring."

Fin tried to slow him down by getting in front of him and holding out his hands which hit Bobby square in the chest. "Hey, cool it. I was just tryin' to lighten the misery that settled in the room. You went all…emotional on me; it was freaking me out. I never heard you so…serious before."

"It's nice to know I've never been taken seriously."

"Damn it, Bobby, that's not what I said and you know it."

Bobby pushed Fin's hands off him as he started toward the street corner. "I'm getting a cab or bus…Hell, I'll just walk so you can stop acting like a concerned friend and leave me alone. Okay?"

Fin stood shocked still and stunned, dropping his arms to his sides. He stared at him with angry disbelief as he shook his head. "You know what, fuck you, Goren. If you want to push people away, I can't stop you. Jesus, you're a self-loathing asshole, you know that. After all this time, all we've been through, you just dismissed me like that. Like my friendship doesn't matter to you. That I don't care?"

Bobby stared hard at the ground that was blurring in front of him as the shame and anger in him spread, twisting his stomach and tightening his throat. He was being an asshole. "I'm not…self-loathing."

"Yes you are. I've never seen someone hate themselves so much to where they push everyone away that gave a damn about them except you. Everyone who cares or is slightly concerned about you, you shove them aside and go off to your own little fucking world so you don't have to deal with anything. No wonder you have a hard time keeping friends and partners, you're exhausting to be around." Fin shook his head and went to walk around him, back to the bar.

"Fin…" he trailed off at the emotion he heard in his cracking voice. Clearing his throat, Bobby continued, "…think you can give me a ride home?" He yelled at himself to look up at Fin, and when he did, he saw sympathy and concern in the tough cop that had somehow in the last year become a friend to him.

Fin grabbed him by the shoulder and pulled him around, steering him toward the truck. "Sure, man, just don't get sick or anything. I'll hate to kick your dumb-ass out on the curb."

They were heading across the Manhattan Bridge, heading into Brooklyn, when Fin asked him, "How're you holding up, partner? How're you feeling?"

Bobby stared out at the blurred passing scenery as he simply answered, "Old."

* * *

His fingers fumbled with his keys for the second time, dropping them to the floor. Bobby groaned in annoyance at himself and his drunkenness as he bent down and picked them up. Straightening, he gripped the keys hard as he thumbed over them until he found the right one. He leaned against his door and went to unlock it when it opened. He stumbled over his feet, falling through the door and into the wall.

"Holy shit, Bobby, are you okay?"

Bobby rubbed at his head from where it impacted the wall as he heard Lewis's voice. "What're you still doin' here?"

Lewis wrapped his arm around his shoulders and helped to guide him across the living room floor. "I haven't been able to talk to you for months and you ask what I'm still doing here?"

"No, mean…'m back now, you don't have to stay." Bobby blinked back at the bright lights in the apartment as he was lowered into his recliner. "Too bright, man. Turning it off."

"What off?"

"Everything." He relaxed against the leather recliner and moaned in pleasure. No matter how hard he tried, Bobby couldn't keep his eyes open for more than a few seconds at a time. Lewis was gone and he was confused at why he couldn't see his friend anymore. He was just here? Noises were coming from his left; tilting his head, he peered into the kitchen. Lewis was in there, moving around. "Whatcha doin'?"

"Making you some coffee."

Bobby shook his head wildly. "Don't need coffee. Bring me….um…" he started laughing because he had no idea what kind of alcohol he had in his own home. Lewis drank beer, there had to be beer. "Bring me a beer, Louie."

"Do you remember what happened the last time you mixed Scotch with beer? And don't you dare call me 'Louie' again unless you want me to beat the crap out of you."

Bobby was laughing so hard he couldn't breathe. He was able to regain some control as he tried hard but he couldn't remember what Lewis was talking about. "No," he told him weakly.

Lewis brought him a coffee cup that was filled nearly to the brim. "I do, you were sick for hours and woke up in your bathtub pissed as hell. I remember very vividly what you were like. I mean, you get…grouchy when you're recovering from a hangover anyway, but add that to the aches and pains of sleeping in that hard small tub all night…No way, not again."

"This time, I'll pass out on the floor," Bobby said as he smiled up at his friend that he hadn't really seen in nearly a year. He eyed Lewis as closely as he could through half-closed eyelids as he took the cup. Taking a sip, he was surprised at how good the coffee tasted. "Mmmm, good, thanks."

Lewis just smiled at him as he sat on the couch. "…Bobby?"

Bobby blinked back and turned his head slightly. "Hm, what?"

"I was asking you if it was worth it."

He stretched out in the recliner as he lazily scratched at his chest through his t-shirt. "Was what worth it?"

"Whatever it was that took you away for a year, was it worth it?"

Bobby closed his eyes as he let his fuzzy and confused mind formulate an answer. "I got the job done, so, uh…yeah." He wanted to tell Lewis that 'yes' it was worth it because he got to be with Alex, that he fallen in love for the first time in his life. "Lewis?"

"Bobby?"

"Have, uh…have you ever been in love?"

"Yeah."

"What's it like?" he asked as he opened his eyes to be glaring at the ceiling. The room was moving, doing all kinds of things to make his stomach twist and turn. Bobby scooted down and slid his left leg to the floor. That helped to steady the room and keep him from rolling out of the chair he was practically laying down on.

"What's going on? You meet someone while you were away?"

"I don't trust many people, Lewis. I've got friends…well, you, and…associates, but there're only three people that I trust enough to talk to about…this kind of stuff." Bobby continued to stare up at the ceiling as he took a slow sip of the coffee. "I-I, uh, I don't know what to do with love or…how to feel about it because…um…my parents, they, uh…they never once showed me how."

"How to what?"

"How to-to, uh, to love someone, 'specially a woman."

"Bobby, we've been friends for many years and one of the reasons is that I play deaf most of the time and claim that 'ignorance is bliss' bullshit when it comes to the personal life of Bobby Goren. I know some things about…about your family, not a lot, but I know that it's been hard for you--"

"My father took off when I was eleven. They divorced, but…before then…it wasn't…ideal. I used to be confused when he was gone all the time, I didn't know what I, uh…what I smelt on him when he would finally show back up, but…I-I found out later. It was women, sex…" he swallowed hard as he thought about that smell that his father reeked of. He hated that smell when he was a kid, now, as a man, he loved that smell. "He was an adulterer and I could actually smell them on him when he came home at night. He never even bothered to shower or change clothes. I was just a kid, y'know, a boy who wanted his father. I wanted to be like him, but he never wanted me around…Guess I was too much of a problem."

"That sucks to have a cheater for a dad…but, your mom did the best thing divorcing him."

Bobby stilled and felt the tears burn at his eyes before his anger took over; he closed his eyes and felt the tears ease away before he answered, "She didn't do it 'cause of that. It was after he abandoned us that she divorced him. He left because he couldn't handle it…My mom's schizophrenic, and he couldn't handle her like that."

Lewis was quiet for a moment before he said, "You never told me."

"Haven't told a lot of people," he mumbled through his numb lips. Bobby continued even though he wasn't sure why. The alcohol had done something to his brain and tongue and it felt so good, like a weight was leaving him. It was a troubling yet comforting feeling. "Sh-she, uh, she's something else," he was starting to slur his words real bad as he was drifting and fighting to stay coherent. "But she's my moms and I love her. I know she loves me it's just hard for her to show it. I barely remember a time when it was okay to touch her, t-to-to, uh, to hug her…She started, um…When I was a kid, she-she started to not like it, people touching her. Only on her good days, when she was feeling…alert, then it was okay…but, with me, it was always strained…forced."

"She wasn't the same way with Frank?"

"No…she likes Frank. The illness, it causes apathy, so…she doesn't like a lot of people." Bobby took a sip of the caramel colored liquid in the cup as his mind drifted away from that room to a distant yet still painful memory. "She would hit me sometimes. I don't mean a light smack across the back of my head, which happened a lot…I mean she would _hit_ me. The first time she did it I was so stunned I couldn't _move_. She started yelling at me, blaming me for causing her to do it…then she stopped and…collapsed." He shook his head at the image of his mother sitting on the kitchen floor, crying and talking to herself. "She started crying right there on the kitchen floor. I went to her, to try and comfort her and apologize for whatever it was that set her off, but…as soon as I touched her, she pushed me away."

"Bobby," Lewis said his name softly, cautiously. "You don't--"

"Anyway," Bobby continued like he hadn't heard it, "I think…uh, I think that's why with woman, I always seem to-to, uh, to keep a distance. I get…scared, and I don't…I don't initiate anything until they do. I keep my, uh, my desires and feelings, thoughts inside and I don't let myself fall…in love. I can't, couldn't, afford to. Then she came along." At the thought of Alex and how she made him feel his literally shivered. "I…I don't know what the hell happened. I touched her first, begged her to touch me back. I was the first to tell her that I loved her. It was so…_stupid_, and pathetic, but I convinced myself that…that maybe…it would be okay."

"How is that pathetic? You were in love, that's a good thing."

"No, it's not," his voice broke as he looked over at his friend. Bobby was feeling that anger and frustration again at no one realizing that none of this was a good thing. "Not for me. It's scaring me and I get confused and everything's so right yet so wrong. And now, now…without her...without _her_ I'm lost. And it's pathetic because I'd rather be alone than to not have her…It's pathetic, and sad, and…deserving. Isn't it? For a man like me, that's…the way it is?"

Lewis stepped over to him and bent down close to him. Bobby was confused and slightly unaware of what his friend was doing until he felt arms wrapping around the top of his shoulders.

Bobby tensed and went to move back but Lewis kept his arms tight around him. "Uh, Lewis, what're you doing?"

"I'm giving you a man-hug," Lewis mumbled into his shoulder.

"Well, it feels more like a regular hug to me."

"Nope, I'm a man, and I'm hugging you…Man-hug."

Bobby gripped Lewis on the shoulders and shoved him away. "It was lasting too long…weird-ing me out."

"Now you know how I feel right now. I knew you were a sensitive guy but get a hold of yourself. Go out there and get over this girl like any normal man," Lewis told him as he glared down at him.

Bobby blinked back and stared up at Lewis in confusion.

Lewis sighed heavily before telling him, "You're halfway there with getting wasted, now all you need to do is sleep with some other chick."

Bobby closed his eyes and rubbed at his head. "Go away. Lewis, just…get the fuck out. You're not helping."

"Come on, there are other women out there who would do anything to screw your brains out right now."

"Out!" Bobby pointed to the door. "Lewis, get the fuck gone!"

"Get the fuck gone? Bobby, you're the one who's gone."

He groaned and tried to get up out of the recliner but all he managed to do was spill coffee on the floor before slumping back down onto the chair. The room was spinning, his body felt like it was made of stone, and the pounding in his head sounded muffled like it was dunked under water. "What?" he asked because now he couldn't remember if Lewis had said anything or not.

"You're drunk, Bobby," Lewis was telling him as he took the cup out of his hand and placed it on the coffee table. "It's time for you to go to bed."

"Not tired," he pouted a little as he turned away from Lewis and tried again to get up. This time he managed to put the leg rest on the recliner down before he stood.

Bobby stumbled as soon as his feet hit the wooden floor, sending him nearly tumbling into the bookshelf. He caught himself against the shelf and dragged a hand over his numbing face. He couldn't feel a thing; maybe he liked being drunk after all. "Need…um," he strolled slowly over to the counter in the kitchen and found his cell phone. He had left it there because he didn't need it. No one would be calling him except for his mother. And she called twice. It was Sunday, but he didn't visit her. Not today, he couldn't.

He was being a bad son, letting his mother down by not visiting her when he should have. If Bobby thought hard about it, he could hear her disapproving voice in his head putting him down, degrading him and making him feel like shit. Rubbing a hand along his forehead, he flipped the cell open.

"Whoa, you're not calling anyone. You're way too wasted to talk to anyone about anything."

Lewis tried to take the phone away from him, but Bobby pushed him away and lifted the phone way above his head like a child. "I'll call whoever the fuck I want to call." Now he was just being a stubborn jerk and he knew it.

He found the number as he heard Lewis say next to him, "You're going to regret this in the morning."

"I'm gonna regret a lot of things in the morning." He could always visit his mother tomorrow, with a hangover…Yeah that was real responsible. "Need a, uh, a cigarette, got any?"

Lewis huffed out a laugh and shook his head. "You know I quit. I thought you did too."

Bobby nodded as he put the phone to his ear. "Just thought I'd ask, been craving one." The phone only rang once before it was cut off by an robotic female voice telling him the number he was calling no longer existed. He frowned and tried again. When he got the same message, he tried again, and again, and again until Lewis took the phone out of his hand and put it to his ear.

"The number doesn't exist anymore. Who were you trying to call?"

Bobby stared at the tile floor and stepped around in a small circle as he rubbed a hand over his neck. He had waited too long. _Fuck!_ Before he had time to register what he was going, his fist impacted the wall, sending a painful vibration up to his shoulder. "Son-of-a-bitch," he yelled at himself.

Alex's cell wasn't working and that could only mean one thing. She was no longer undercover. He had waited too long; he should have called her earlier. He leaned into the wall he had hit and rested his head against it. It didn't matter anyway, she deserved someone better than him. Better than a man who feared his own heart more than anything. Maybe it was a good thing he couldn't call her anymore.

Turning, he rested his back against the wall and he slid down to the floor as he felt like his heart was being ripped from his chest. He pulled his knees up and buried his head in his hands. God he hoped she would forgive him for not calling her, for lying to her, and for not trusting her. Even though he didn't feel like he deserved her forgiveness, he prayed she would.

TBC…


	26. Ch25: Hardest Thing to Break

**A/N: **Thank you again and again to all the lovely people still reading and reviewing this story. Also, sorry for the long delay in updating, but I don't want to end this story too soon and rush things. Thanks for the patience!

* * *

"Why'd it take you so long to tell me?"

Bobby searched around the toolbox for the 3/4" torque wrench Lewis asked for, again. Why the hell didn't he just keep it with him if he as going to be using it so much. "Tell you what?"

Lewis was lying under the '77 El Camino and he was impatiently holding out his hand. "About your mother. Where's the wrench, Bobby?"

It had been over a month and he was still on suspension and waiting to hear if he was accepted to Major Case. Bobby was waiting for this conversation to happen with Lewis ever since he got drunk and spilled his heart to the guy. "Hold on, I'm looking. All I'm finding are the 1/2" and 3/8"." He avoided the question about his mother, postponing the inevitable as he searched for the tool.

"Damn it, Robert," Lewis groaned in frustration. He only called him 'Robert' when he was pissed off at him. "If you lost that wrench I'm gonna kick your ass. It cost me nearly $800."

Bobby stilled with a socket wrench in one hand and a screwdriver in the other as he stared at Lewis's boots, the only thing he could see clearly. "Shit," he muttered as he dropped the tools and continued searching through the box before getting up and searching over the tables and selves.

"I need that wrench, now!"

"Uh…give me a minute," he yelled back in anger. Bobby shoved the case of beer away that sat on the floor in Lewis's garage, thinking maybe he sat it down behind it when he had gotten them another beer. It wasn't there. "Shit," he grunted out under his breath.

Lewis was getting angry now as he started to move out from under the car. "Bob--Ow!"

Bobby jerked his head around toward his friend. "You okay?" He walked around to the side of the car and bent down sideways, trying to see under the car.

"Yeah, something's digging into my back," Lewis told him just before he moved and pulled out the torque wrench. He was quiet for a moment before softly saying, "Bobby."

Bobby caught sight of the wrench. "Son-of-a…" he trailed off as he kicked at Lewis's legs. "Asshole. You had me thinking I lost the damn thing."

"I didn't know I still had it. Sorry," Lewis told him but he didn't sound all too sincere about it.

Bobby stalked away, grabbed his beer off the floor, and headed to the door. "I need some air."

"Bobby, come on, I said I was sorry."

He pushed open the door that lead out into the back parking lot and let it shut behind him. Taking a long pull off the bottle, he leaned back against the building and kicked his boot at the cracked and broken-up sidewalk, sending a piece of the concrete skidding across the pavement. Rubbing at his head, he sighed heavily. It wasn't Lewis that had upset him, even though he was annoyed with the guy, but he was getting irritated with not getting any answers about his future with the PD.

No one was telling him anything, even Fin wasn't talking to him because he wasn't on the Job. He hated being kept out of the loop, being treated like an outsider all because he didn't have his shield. He was still a cop and he was still Fin's friend, so why the hell was he being kept in the dark?

Draining the last of the beer he lazily shuffled over to the garbage bin and tossed it in just as the back door opened. Bobby looked over at Lewis before shaking his head as he apologized, "I'm sorry, Lewis, I wasn't mad at you."

"Yeah you were."

He headed toward his friend as he shoved his hands in his pockets. "No, I wasn't. I just…took it out on you, you didn't deserve that. Besides, I'm used to your…uh, forgetfulness."

Lewis relaxed a little as he smirked, "That's putting it lightly."

Bobby patted him on the shoulder as he moved by him to the door. "C'mon, let's finish up with the car."

"Hey, Bobby?" Lewis asked as they headed back into the garage. "You got plans tonight?"

"No, why?" Bobby asked as he eyed Lewis. He leaned back against a table covered in car parts and tools and crossed his arms, waiting.

Lewis shrugged a little as he picked up the carburetor off the table and rounded the car. "I'm goin' out later, wanted to know if you want to come."

"Where? And I thought you had plans with, um…Michelle."

"I do," Lewis confirmed as he turned on the light hanging from the inside of the hood. "We're going to Pete's."

Bobby shook his head at the run around Lewis was giving him. "Cut it out. Just tell me why you want me to come along."

Lewis wasn't looking at him as he started putting in the part. "She has a friend and--"

Bobby sighed and pushed himself off the table. "Lewis," he whined a little in annoyance. "I'm not…" he rubbed at the back of his neck as he felt the anger twist in him. He didn't even know what he was feeling about Lewis and his girlfriend trying to set him up, but the anger was the only thing he knew well enough to identify.

"It's been over a month since you've been back, and moping around your apartment is getting old. You need to have some fun."

"I am having fun. I'm…" he waved to the car as he continued, "helping you build this car."

Lewis looked up at him with a look of stunned confusion on his face. "One day a week you're here, the rest of the time you're wallowing in self-pity."

Bobby shifted around in front of the car, watching Lewis work. "I'm not wallowing in self-pity."

"Then what'd you call moping around your apartment all day doing nothing but drinking Scotch and listening to Bob Dylan?"

"A, uh, drunken stupor?" Bobby heard Lewis laughing but he wasn't trying to be funny; in fact, he was realizing that Lewis was probably half-right, because maybe he was sulking a little bit.

It was just too easy to give into the helplessness he had been feeling since returning home when he didn't have anything to distract him, like work. Without his work he was nothing, at least that was what he felt like. He was nothing without a case to solve or a role to play while undercover. If he didn't get a call soon, he was going to drive himself crazy, or drink himself into an addiction.

Lewis was staring at him and Bobby realized that maybe he was thinking a little too much as well. "What?" he asked as he started to feel the urgency to get the hell out of there. He stepped backward before rocking forward as he his eagerness was pushing at his energy, making him nervous.

"And you call me a space cadet," Lewis said with a teasing smirk. "Look, Michelle's friend is only here for a couple weeks on vacation. It'll be good if we have someone else hanging out with us so she doesn't feel like a third wheel."

He grunted and groaned as he kicked at the floor and rubbed at the back of his neck. "Fine." Bobby dropped his hand and paced a little. "What time?"

Lewis was watching him and looking like he wanted to confront him about something. Instead, he turned back to his work and told him, "Nine. Do you want a ride?"

Bobby shook his head as he headed toward the front of the garage. "No, I'm fine with the subway. Hey, uh, I'll see you later."

Lewis didn't say anything else to him as he left.

* * *

Bobby had to call up several people and collect on some debts until he found out where he could find Fin. Taking the 'G' subway train, he headed out of Queens to Brooklyn; at the second stop in Brooklyn, he transferred to the 'L' train. Getting off at Myrtle-Wyckoff Avenue stop, he took off running up the stairs and out onto the neighborhood street. The 'M' train passed above him as he tried to figure out which way to go.

This was probably the craziest and stupidest thing he had ever done, but he needed to talk to Fin and he wasn't answering his cell when he tried calling. Bobby suddenly wished he had a gun, but since he was on suspension, he had no reason to have a gun. He was supposed to be transitioning back into his normal, regular life, and not chasing down his former partner on the dangerous streets of Bushwick. He just hoped he wouldn't get caught in a "sweep" by the local precinct and thrown into jail.

He headed off to the part of the neighborhood his contact, and informant, had told him Fin was working. It took a better half of an hour for him to spot Fin who was at the moment talking to some guy on the corner by a worn down industrial building. Bobby waited in the shadows that were cased by the setting sun as he watched. Once the other guy left, he followed at a distance behind Fin until they were coming upon an opening in the building.

Coming up fast behind Fin, he asked in his thickest Brooklyn accent, "Hey, man, gotta fix?"

Fin stopped to turn toward him. "I ain't got--"

Bobby ducked down to the right. "C'mon, I need somethin'," he said as he grabbed Fin and pulled him into the abandoned building.

"Mother fuck, get off me," Fin, not knowing at first who he was, started struggling and yelling at him as he went for his weapon.

"Whoa," Bobby shouted as he let go of Fin and held up his hands in front of him. "Calm down, it's me."

Fin blinked at him in the dimly lit room, focusing on him for the first time. "Son-of-a-bitch, Bobby, I was 'bout ready to shoot you! What're you doin' here, are you nuts?"

"You wouldn't answer my calls," Bobby huffed out as he calmed his anger that had been consuming him since leaving Lewis's garage.

Fin breathed out and shook his head. "I'm workin', you asshole. Until Pizzelli stops jerking me around, I'm still on the Job."

Bobby stared at him as he started to pace a little. "Pizzelli? Why don't you go to the Captain?"

"Does it matter? He's still the Lieu, and he takes his orders from Sanders."

Bobby nodded as he got his thoughts under control. He had so many things to talk to Fin about that he wasn't sure where to start. "Any word about my transfer?"

Fin looked at him before shaking his head in annoyance. "That's what this is about, your fucking transfer? Why don't you call up the Captain?"

"I tried, no one's talking to me," he snapped back. Realizing that the anger and frustration was starting to take control, he change the subject. "Who's handling you?" Bobby asked as he looked out of the opening and around the street, no one was watching them or coming toward the building.

"Who else, I do have another partner, you know. He was my partner before I was given the extra task of handling your crazy ass after what Jake did."

"I don't need to hear my past history, Fin." As much as he tried, Bobby wasn't able to control his temper.

It had been too long since he had worked that his patience was running thin. And it had been a longer time since he was able to be himself that he was still fighting down the urges and instincts he had given to Donovan. Without a doubt, the year of undercover work was the hardest thing to not only do but the hardest to break.

Seeing the concerned and hurt look on Fin's face, Bobby bit back a curse as he jerked away and started walking around in small circles and rubbing at his head and neck. "Sorry," he muttered. This was the second time today that he had to apologize for getting angry.

"So, how's it goin' on your end?"

Bobby huffed out a laugh. "Not good. I'm…I need to work. This waitin' around, it's…" he trailed off as he stopped pacing. "I don't know if I'm going to have a job in a month and if so where and no body's talking and you won't answer my calls and…" he trailed off as he felt the surge of anger. He kicked at a plank of wood that had fallen from the ceiling, sending it flipping into the air before crashing to the floor. A cloud of dust puffed up from where it landed before dissipating. "Fuck," he breathed out as he covered his head with his hands.

"Life's a bitch, huh?"

Bobby turned to face Fin as he gave him a steady, serious glare that told him he wasn't in the mood for this. "I don't like being yanked around neither. Isn't there anything you can tell me?"

Fin stared at the floor before looking up at him. "Word is that it'll be more than two months, Bobby. That's why you haven't been contacted yet. We all thought, one month suspension, one month transition…then, you'll be either back in Narcotics or to Major Case. I heard Cutler talkin' to the Lieu, he'd just come back from a meeting with Sanders, your name was brought up and…It's looks like it'll be closer to five months before you're back on the Job. Where that'll be, I don't know."

Bobby rubbed at his jaw as he let that sink in. If he wasn't focusing so hard to keep his hand against his jaw, he would have done something he would have regretted. And he had sworn off using violence except when it was unavoidable. He took a deep breath and stared down his friend. "Five months. Paid?"

"All but the one month you were suspended. It's all…bureaucratic bullshit. IAB is still upset over the shooting, Sanders is concerned, saying that you need a few more months before you're fully prepared and ready to resume work. They want you to see the department shrink a few times…I'm sure you'll get a call soon about it. If everything checks out, maybe it'll only be 'bout four months."

Bobby did laugh then. This was ridiculous. "Four months? That's supposed to make me feel better?"

Fin threw up his hands in frustration as he told him, "I don't give a shit what makes you feel better, that's what I know."

Bobby got real quiet as he thought all that over; his pacing was getting more agitated as he fought down the impulse to lash out at Fin or say something that he knew he would regret later. The pacing and the swelling of rage in him kept increasing, making his hands clench at his sides as he struggled with the battle that was warring in his mind and body. He was starting to feel like an trapped animal, pacing around an invisible cage…like Donovan. He stopped moving and stared at the dusty concrete under his boots. Like Donovan, that was a bad thought. He wasn't supposed to be thinking like him anymore, he was supposed to be beyond that, back to normal. And he wasn't. Glancing up, he noticed that Fin was watching him with reserved anticipation, like he was expecting him to lash out, to do or say something.

Fin suddenly asked, "Are you ready to come back?"

"Yes," he answered a little too quickly. Bobby knew full well just then that he wasn't.

Fin studied him for a long minute. "I don't think so."

Bobby tilted his head at him as he waited for him to explain as his hands clenched and un-clenched.

"The Bobby Goren I know isn't so…angry. You're _too_ angry, and that's not a good place to be. Look, I have to go. I'm sorry about not answering your calls, but you know how it is. I'll try. Okay?" Fin then turned and left the building.

Bobby stood for a moment, trying t regain the ability to walk as what Fin said hit him like a punch in the gut. What his friend told him shouldn't have felt that way, like a betrayal, but it was there and he couldn't understand why or how to get pass it. He even knew that he wasn't one hundred percent, yet he still felt that maybe Fin should have backed him up instead of shooting him back down. This line of thinking wasn't good.

Where in the hell did his sense of trust go?

He finally left the building and headed toward the nearest subway. He didn't care which one it was or where it was going, he just needed to get out of there.

* * *

He should have been having a good time, Lewis was trying to get him to play him in a game of pool but he declined and Michelle's friend, Tammy, was eyeing him like a lot of women did. If he did all the right things, she would go home with him. Too bad, she seemed nice and she was pretty, but he wasn't interested.

Ordering another drink, Bobby stayed seated at the bar while Tammy and Michelle enjoyed a game of pool. Lewis eased up to the bar and sat down beside him. Neither man said anything for a couple of long minutes. Bobby was never the one to initiate into a conversation he never wanted to be part of, which was most. If it involved a case or anything other then personal subjects, he was all for it.

Lewis didn't want to talk about cars, sports, or anything regulated with him as acceptable conversation. He wanted to talk about earlier, about his mother, and about the now and why he was acting the way he was. "What's going on, Bobby?"

Bobby took a sip off the drink in his hand as he kept his eyes on the television screen in the corner of the room. A baseball game was being shown; the New York Mets were playing the Arizona Diamondbacks, and Piazza just hit a home-run to tie the game 3-3 and half the bar erupted in cheers. "Nothing's going on," he finally told him after a moment.

Lewis was quiet for a long time and Bobby was thinking that maybe he decided to back off from the questioning. "So, your mother's still around?"

Bobby sighed heavily and rubbed at his head. "Yeah, she's upstate."

"Upstate, you visit?"

"Yeah, I visit." Bobby downed half his drink and looked down the bar for the bartender. He was going to need another if Lewis was going to keep this up.

"You need a car?"

Bobby shook his head. "I'm fine taking a cab or bus. I-I know I owe you for the last car you lent to me, so don't worry about it." He left it at that and gestured to the bartender that he needed another Scotch.

Lewis turned his attention away from the game as he told him, "I can give you a car if you want."

"I said don't worry about it, Lewis. I don't want to owe you anymore than I already do." Bobby was starting to feel the anger build and he didn't want to snap at his friend again.

He was getting so sick of feeling seconds away from losing it with his friends all the time that he was starting to think that maybe he did need to talk to someone, especially sense his realization that afternoon that he was still in Donovan's mindset…at least some of the time. It had been a year that he was undercover in that world; a year of having to express himself differently, with more anger and violence than what he was used to. He shouldn't have been surprised that it was going to take him longer than a month to fully feel and get himself back to normal.

Fin was right in saying that he was too angry. Going back to work with that much anger wasn't going to do anybody any good, especially if he received his transfer. He could only imagine what Deakins would do if he showed up at Major Case and unable to work with a partner because of it. Most likely he would be fired or sent back to Narcotics.

Bobby drained the drink that was placed in front of him then stood. Tossing some bills down on the bar, he turned to Lewis. "I can't…do this right now, okay. I have to go."

"You're bailing on me?" Lewis asked as he also stood.

"I shouldn't have agreed to do this in the first place. I-I, uh, I'll call you later." Bobby side-stepped Lewis and headed toward the door.

Lewis was coming up behind him. "Bobby, what can't you deal with? All we're doing is talking. Bob--"

Bobby suddenly turned, causing Lewis to run into his chest, and before he could stop himself, he snapped, "Damn it Lewis!" He shoved his friend away with his right arm as he stepped up to him. "Stop, okay. Just stop with the fucking questions and leave me the hell alone!" Suddenly realizing what he'd done, and seeing the hurt in Lewis's eyes, he shook his head in disgust at himself before leaving the bar.

The night air was warm and there was hardly a breeze as he ventured down the street toward the direction of home. At that time of night, the streets and sidewalks were busy with constant activity from people looking for something to do on the Saturday evening. He debated about getting a cab to avoid all the movement and noise around him, but he knew he needed to burn off the angry energy that was still trying to suffocate him.

Coming upon a corner bodega, he slipped into the store and got himself a cup of coffee along with a pack of cigarettes that he slipped into his pocket next to the lighter that he hardly used anymore. Hopefully, he wouldn't have to use the lighter anytime soon. He had yet to break down and give into the habit since his last day on the Job, and he wanted to keep it that way.

Heading back out onto the sidewalk, he let his mind drift as he sipped on the hot coffee. The instability that had been his life was finally catching up to him and threatening to overtake his sense of control. It was trying to smother out everything that was good and comfortable in his life, and so far it was succeeding because he couldn't control the anger that welled in him. He was feeling out of place and off balance, nothing had felt right in over a month. At least on the Job he had a purpose, now he was wondering out the streets of Brooklyn lost in not only his thoughts but his world. He needed balance, he needed to be centered, and the last thing that came close to doing that for him was a woman whose name he didn't even know.

Every day, at some point for the last month, it was a given that his thoughts would stray back to her. Alex had somehow taken his chaotic and uncertain world and given it a sense of rightness, of peace, and of stability that he had never felt in his entire life. And he had no clue how to get that back. In a way, he didn't want to try to get that back, not without her. Not with somebody new. Thinking about trying felt like a sin.

Feeling a wetness run down the side of his face, he reaching up and wiped the sweat from his brow and forehead. It was getting hotter outside, but the added anxiety and anger that was pulsing through him was starting to show physically. Downing the rest of the coffee, he tossed the empty cup into a bin he passed. A few blocks down, he spotted a group of people standing around and watching a performance on the corner. It was a street magician outside a club that was using him for advertisement. He stopped for a brief moment and studied him as he made a card disappear in one hand before he reached his other hand behind a woman's ear pulled the card out of thin air, or so it seemed.

As the crowd cheered the magician, Bobby shook his head as he remembered his date with Alex and performing the same magic trick on her with the flower he had gotten. Giving the crowd one last glance over, he continued walking toward the direction of his apartment. He couldn't even enjoy a damn magic show anymore.

Nearing his building, a man sitting out on a stoop called out to him. "Hey, man, gotta smoke?"

Bobby stopped and eyed a man he recognized. He had seen the guy many times since moving into the building. Nodding, he pulled out and the pack and went to open it to give the guy a cigarette when he stopped himself. Tossing the whole thing to the guy, he continued on as he told the man, "Keep it."

"You sure," the man called out to him.

"I don't smoke anymore," Bobby said, not really sure if the man heard him, as he ascended the second stoop down from the guy and went into his building.

* * *

He was addicted. That was all there was too it, and he wasn't proud of it. His addiction was ruining every other relationship he was trying to attach himself too. It consumed his mind and heart like a disease and no cure could kill it. He tried. Nothing and no one else was working to make him forget, it just increased his longing. He was ruined. She had ruined him.

It had been over two months and he still couldn't get over that addictive, snarky little woman.

Bobby sighed and shook his head. His eyes returned to be looking at the drunken blue eyes of the woman across from him. She was loud, trying to talk over the music, not bothering to move to the chair next to him so she could be heard without yelling. At this point, she wasn't thinking clearly and he wasn't thinking about her at all.

He didn't like that. He had never initially ignored a date, and he never thought about some other woman when he was with someone else, but there was no getting around the woman that seemed to have seeped into his veins and made him crave her like a junkie needing his next fix. Downing the rest of his Scotch, he rubbed at his head as the woman whose name escaped him started laughing. It was obnoxious. God, he was being a dick and she was one swallow of Jack away from blacking out.

Trying to be a better man than he was feeling like, he helped her out of the bar and into a cab. He even paid the driver twice as much to get her to her destination, which wouldn't be his apartment like he had wanted less than an hour ago. A lot happened in an hour, one being his conscious had pushed pass the drunken desperate corners of his mind and kicked him in the ass. The woman was too drunk and he wasn't close to being the dick he thought he was.

As he watched the cab pull away from the curb, Bobby heard someone say off to his right, "That was unexpected."

Bobby turned to be looking at a tall brunette who was resting against a light pole watching him. "What's unexpected?"

She motioned to the cab that was stopping at the light. "I've never seen a man give up a sure thing."

He shook his head and shifted a little on his slightly unsteady feet. "It wasn't...I-I mean, it was but, uh, not for me. She was, _gone_. It wouldn't have felt right. I don't, take advantage, no matter how sure of a thing it is."

"Wow, a man with principles. I like that."

Bobby stopped moving around and eyed her, taking her all in from her high-heels to the creamy white v-neck blouse. Everything she was wearing was top of the line and her voice was professional, sophisticated. She was a business woman, or maybe she worked at City Hall. Looking, back up to her dark eyes, which looked brown, he decided to continue being honest even if it drove her away. "I'm…not looking for anything." He didn't want there to be any false pretenses; that shit just hurt too damn much.

She was still eyeing but giving nothing away. He had no idea if she was interested or not; there were no visible clues that he could pick up on. Drunk or not, he was usually able to still read people. Not being able to read her was starting to intrigue him, getting his curiosity engaged.

"I had a date with a guy I've been seeing for about a month now. He stood me up for the…third time. I like him well enough to give him another chance…but, not tonight."

Bobby nodded in understanding. She was making it clear that he had nothing to worry about. There would be no expectations. "Wanna get a cup of coffee with me?"

She smiled for the first time, pushing off the light pole. "Sure, my place?"

"You're not giving me the option of mine?" he asked as he walked a little closer to her, offering up his arm for her to take.

She hooked her arm around his as she looked him up and down. "You don't seem like the type to offer your own place, 'cause then you'll have to stay."

Bobby felt the spark of anger at that but shook his head and the anger away before saying, "I won't leave until I get that cup of coffee in the morning."

It was only the next morning when he was sitting at her kitchen table in her newly restored Manhattan condo with a cup of coffee in his hands that he asked for her name. It was Irene, and she was a stock broker.

TBC…

* * *

A/N: Hehehe, I'm not evil, but I had to give Bobby a break, and he was getting desperate, what guy wouldn't be? And I liked Irene from the episode 'The Enemy Within'. More to come!


	27. Ch26: Learning His Place

**A/N: **Just thanks again to everyone still with me on this story. I know I'm taking longer to update chapters, but please be patient and I'll get all this out soon enough. Anyway, thanks again!!

* * *

"So, Bobby, what'd ya got?"

Bobby eyed the man across the table as he lazily leaned back in the chair. In a quick flick of his wrist, he tossed the two cards onto the table, face up, and smiled. "Full House."

Steve threw his cards down with a groan. "Why did I let you come back to play poker with us, Goren? You always win."

Bobby just smiled a little as he picked up the money off the table.

"You boys do know that you're breaking the law, right?"

At hearing her voice, Bobby turned and smiled wider at the woman standing in the doorway. "Irene," he said as he stood and pulled over a chair next to him so she could sit down. "Move over, Dan," he told the guy that was sitting next to him.

Irene came up and gave him a light kiss on the cheek before taking the seat. "So, what's the stakes?"

Bobby let Steve fill her in on the game as he went over to the bar in the den and made her a drink and refilled his glass with Scotch. Going back over to the table, he handed her a glass as he sat back down. "Have any trouble finding the place?"

She shook her head before taking a slow sip of the drink. "Hmm, you make a great Long Island Ice Tea. Were you ever a bartender?"

Bobby felt his face heat slightly as he shook his head 'no'. "But, I do like to know what I'm drinking, so…I pay a lot of attention to how a drink's made. Plus, if someone ever tried to slip me anything or add something else to the mix, I'll know." He looked across from him and noticed Steve watching them. "Oh, Irene this is Steve Norton, the…host this evening."

Steve gave a loud laugh and waved him off. "Host? Is that all I am to you, Goren?"

Bobby just grinned and pointed to the man sitting next to Steve. "That's Neil, Steve's brother and Julie, Neil's wife. That man asleep in the recliner was our fifth player, Scott, but he drinks faster than he plays cards. And the man next to you is Dan."

"And are all of you law enforcement?" Irene asked, genuinely curious.

"I'm FBI," Steve told her. "Dan's a cop, he went to the academy with Bobby, Scott over there is a retired firefighter, and Neil here is in real-estate."

"Really?" Irene asked incredulously. "I handle a lot of real-estate companies, I'm a broker."

As soon as she said that, her and Neil jumped into a lengthy conversation as Bobby just sat back and enjoyed his Scotch as Steve shuffled the cards and dealt them out. He caught Steve's eyes as he tossed him his second card and saw Steve wink at him. Bobby chuckled as he barely lifted the edges of the cards to see what he had. By the time Steve laid out the flop, everyone was enjoying mindless bantering.

"So, how long have you two been together?"

"We're not," he quickly answered before she could say anything. "We're just…good friends." He glanced over at her and saw a questioning look in her eyes before she returned her attention back to the game.

That was the truth, they weren't technically a couple and they weren't really dating. She had stopped trying to make things work with the guy she had been dating and they were having a good time together. He had told her from the beginning that he wasn't interesting in anything long term and she had understood. Granted, it had been a little over two months since they met, and she seemed to enjoy spending time with him while she waited for the next potential Mr. Right to come along. And when he did, Bobby had no problem stepping away and letting her go.

At first, he was apprehensive about the whole thing. He still couldn't get the image of Alex out of his head or her name off his tongue. There were times when he had to be extremely careful so not to accidentally say the wrong name in haste. Even though he wasn't interested in the relationship going anywhere, he couldn't deny the fact that he liked being around her too. That he liked taking her out to dinner and dancing and going back to her place afterwards. And now he got the chance to see that she was also one hell of a poker player.

"I think you have just met your match, Bobby," Neil told him after Irene bluffed her way to winning the pot, and two hundred of his hard earned cash.

When it was his turn to deal, Bobby took the cards from Irene and started shuffling. That was when Steve decided to lean across the table and leveled a finger at her as he said, "Wanna hear 'bout the time Bobby nearly got thrown in the stockade?"

His hands fumbled with the cards, sending them flying everywhere. Bobby stared hard at Steve and barely shook his head in a desperate attempt to keep him from speaking another word.

Steve was laughing at the desperate and pissed look on his face. "C'mon, it's a funny story."

"Let 'im tell it, Goren," Dan piped up from beside Irene.

Irene turned to him and smiled. "Come on, it can't be that bad."

Bobby eyed her before saying, "I nearly got thrown into the stockade. How isn't that bad?"

"What's a stockade?" Julie asked as she leaned against her husband Neil who was being unusually quiet. He usually got that way when he had too much to drink.

"It's what the Army calls their, uh, holding area for petty crimes; it's like a jail," Bobby explained. "The Navy and Marines call it a 'brig'; we call it a 'stockade' or 'guardhouse', same as the Air Force."

Steve was still laughing because him and the four other CID soldiers there at the time were the only ones who knew the whole story of that night. "Either way, you almost ended up there. It was, uh…1988."

Bobby sighed and covered his head in his hands. He felt Irene's hand rest on his thigh and give him a light reassuring squeeze. It helped, but it wasn't the touch that could ground and center him. Leaning back in the chair, he heard Steve continue.

"And good old Bobby here decided to celebrate his promotion to Corporal. So, we were granted Leave, and we headed to Berlin. Now, remind you, this is '88 Germany, about a year before the fall of the Berlin wall, right. So, the city and country was being separated and it was, just the feel of the place, it, huh, it had this crazy kind-of energy vibe to it that this guy feeds off of," he pointed to Bobby and smiled.

Bobby just glanced down at the table and picked up his glass and took a sip of it. He needed to slow down but he had stopped thinking reasonably a long time ago.

"I tried to tell him not to go to the city, to just go to some small pub around the base. But no, not Goren, he wanted to go to Berlin. So of course we went 'cause even if you tell this guy 'no' it'll still end up becoming a 'yes'. Remember that, Irene, he doesn't understand the meaning of the word."

Everyone laughed except for Bobby because he was too busy trying not to slam a fist into Steve's mouth to keep him from finishing the story. To try to easy his anger, he shifted nervously in the chair as he absently started to pick up the scattered playing cards.

"So, we go to this bar and it's like a fucking Sex Pistols music video, okay. I mean, it was wall-to-wall punk and it was _loud_, and if I wasn't certain that the Sex Pistols stopped touring in '78, I would have sworn they were on stage. Bobby of course could care less what the place looked like as long as he got drunk."

"What happened? Did he get into a bar fight?" Irene asked, nearly on the edge of her seat waiting to hear what Bobby could have done to get into trouble.

Steve shook his head, "No, in fact, he had a blast in the pub. He even got up on stage and started singing 'The Clash' songs with the band in German."

The laughter ensued and Bobby blushed horribly as he began playing with the deck of cards and shuffling them in his hands, not looking at anyone. He made a few cards disappear up his sleeve before making them reappear in mid-air. Nobody cared; they were too busy laughing at his drunken idiocy from over a decade ago.

"Bobby had _too_ much fun if you ask me. By the time we left, he was so wasted that he actually thought that he hadn't had enough. He decided that he wanted some fucking, uh…scotch that the pub didn't sell, so he went in search of the nearest store. Now, everything would have been fine if we actually _went_ to the store and then back to the base, but that's not what happen because we didn't make it to the store. Did we, Goren?"

Bobby just shook his head in answer to the question.

"No, Bobby decided to take a little walk all the way to Checkpoint Charlie."

"What's Checkpoint Charlie," Julie asked.

"In order to enter or exit East Berlin you had to go through Checkpoint Charlie. And since Bobby was military, and all decked out in his new Corporal uniform, he could stroll right up to the gate if he wanted, and just then, after drinking the pub dry, he decided to do just that."

Irene looked at him as she suddenly got serious, "I don't think I like where this is going."

Bobby just glanced up at her as he fidgeted with the deck of cards his hands. The alcohol was starting to numb his head and body, and easing the embarrassment away. At least he wasn't about ready to pound Steve into unconsciousness anymore.

Steve was watching him and his grin grew wider when he locked eyes with him. He was clearly enjoying telling this story in front of his girlfriend who wasn't really his girlfriend. She was just a friend, a good friend with benefits. "None of us did, we had no idea what he was thinking, or if he _was_ thinking. I mean, he nodded to the guards and stopped at the gate, just looking around, then suddenly, before anyone could stop him…" he started laughing again and could barely finish as he told them, "He zipped down and…_relieved_ himself."

"Oh my God," she gaped at him. "Tell me you didn't?"

Bobby sighed heavily and rubbed at his head. "I-I plea the fifth." He glared at Steve. "You're a bastard," he said with a light smirk forming on his face.

Steve was enjoying making him squirm. "Payback's a bitch. Oh, but that's not all, while he was taking care of business, he started chanting in his best Roger Waters voice 'tear down the wall', at the top of his lungs and in German. I swear, we all thought he was going to get killed. As soon as the guards got over the shock and stopped staring, we had to tackle him to the ground to keep them from doing anything to him. It was a very good thing he was wearing his uniform and that he was a senior officer or else he probably would have been either shot dead right there or arrested."

Bobby shook his head at the looks he received and at the laughter that engulfed the room. "I'm sure the Sergeant would have preferred it if I'd been shot."

Steve just laughed as he shook his head.

"Now, what happened after that? You had to have received some kind of punishment for that stunt." Irene rested her head on his right hand and looked at him, making him meet her eyes.

Bobby shifted in his seat and looked over at Steve. "Do you want to finish the story?"

Steve beamed as he said, "Gladly. As soon as we got back to the base, we heard the Sergeant screaming down the hall, 'Goren! Get your ass in my office, now!' The next thing I know, both Bobby and I are on the first flight to South Korea."

Bobby huffed out a laugh at the bitterness in Steve's voice. "He didn't like the humidity."

"I swore we were hit by a Tsunami, it poured every damn day we were there. And the heat, shit. Korea is supposed to be a fucking jungle for a reason."

Bobby downed the rest of his scotch and was able to relax a little now that the topic was off him. "I loved it."

"Of course you did," Steve shot back. "You got to track a serial killer for six months with Gage, which thus launched the beginnings of your profiling career and…Gage's downfall."

Bobby leaned over the table and pointed at Steve as he said, "He got you an interview with the FBI. If it wasn't for Declan, you wouldn't be Special Agent Norton. You owe him your career."

"Yeah, yeah," Steve said as he got up from the table. "Who won the damn game?"

"He did," Irene, Dan, and Julie said in unison as they pointed to Bobby.

Steve smiled at him and huffed out a bitter laugh, "Figures."

It didn't take long before it was time to go. Most everyone crash at Steve's except for him and Irene, Bobby never liked staying at someone else house and Irene was still sober enough to make sure he got on the right subway train or told the cab driver the right address.

Steve followed them out onto the stoop of the old brownstone and gave him a hug. "I'm glad you made it," he told him. As he pulled away he said, "I really did miss our poker games, even when you bet me. I didn't embarrass you too bad, did I?"

Bobby smiled a little as he tried not to fall backwards down the steps. "Uh, I'm not sure yet. You could have warned me before you decided to tell everyone."

"Hey, I have plenty of stories I could have told about you, Goren," Steve exclaimed as he pointed to him and winked.

"Really," Irene asked with a teasing smile.

"Oh no," Bobby said as he pulled her close to him and away from Steve. "N-no more stories, please."

Steve chuckled as he waved at them. "Get home safe. Next week, Bobby?"

Bobby shrugged as he stepped off the last step and stumbled a little. "Sure, give me a call."

"Will do, take care," Steve said before he disappeared back into his house and closed the door.

Bobby wrapped his right arm around Irene's shoulder as they headed down the sidewalk toward the main street where they could catch a cab or take the subway. "Did you have a good time?"

"Yes, I did, even though I lost all my money to you."

He laughed as he shoved his left hand into his pocket. "I'm giving yours back to you. The other guys owe me."

"So, you're not going to tell me those other stories about your days in the military. I didn't even know you were in the Army until tonight."

Bobby looked down at her with a soft smile. "It wasn't brought up, until tonight."

"Would you have told me if it weren't?"

He felt his muscles tense and nearly came to a stop as she asked him that question. Bobby had no way of answering it because he wasn't sure what he would have ever told her. "I'm…not sure. If ever came up, sure."

Irene looked over at him as she asked, "So, if something isn't brought up, you're never going to tell me anything?"

Bobby stopped walking and backed away from her. This was not the time or the place to be having this conversation, but there was nothing he could do about that. He breathed out heavily as he glanced around the neighborhood and the street. "I didn't say that. It's just…there are some things I don't, uh…openly talk about."

"You mean you don't willingly volunteer information about yourself."

"Right," he agreed. Bobby saw a look in her eyes that he couldn't quite place, but it was a look he had seen in a lot of women's eyes he had dated in the past. It was the look that eventually leads to the inevitable breakup. His hand was running over his neck and the back of his head as he willed the anger down. "Irene, I-I don't understand."

She stepped up to him asking, "What don't you understanding?"

Bobby was staring at the sidewalk under him. It was slightly swaying as he willed his foggy drunken mind to formulate a response. It was harder than he expected, trying to get his thoughts in order. "Why-why, uh…why this is an issue. I, uh…I mean, we both knew that…that this isn't serious, so why do I have to…" he was struggled to figure out how to say this without sounding like an ass, but he figured that there was no way getting around it. "…have to, uh, to-to tell you anything…personal, ah-about me."

And there it was, that moment of hurt he saw flash in her eyes as that hit her. Bobby hated himself, and he knew that right then she probably hated him too.

To her credit, she didn't get mad. Irene was too much in control of herself to get mad. That was something he really liked about her. "Bobby, even if we don't get involved in a serious relationship, I'm still a friend. I can still get to know you, can't I?"

Not knowing how to answer that was causing him to get nervous as he moved around, stepping in small circles as he tried to come up with an answer. "Do…" Bobby stopped himself before starting again, "Do you…want to stop?"

He could tell she wasn't expecting that from the way she blinked back and seemed to deflate a little, relaxing her shoulders. She shook her head as she told him, "No. I just…I don't know, maybe I'm beginning to want more than what we said we'll give."

Bobby nodded at that. He understood that all too well, and hopefully they would stop it before it got bad; before she fell in love with him. "C'mon." He started for the corner, placing his arm back around her shoulders as they continued down the sidewalk.

* * *

He paced the sterile white tile hallway, glancing up every time he heard some walking toward him. When it wasn't the woman he was waiting for, he returned his attention to the floor, counting his steps with his hands twisted together behind his back. The urge to rub a hot fire over the back of his neck was pulsing through his nervous body, but he was doing his best to resist it. He had to control his nerves. He had to show her that every thing was all right. He didn't want to stress her; not after the call he'd received.

"Bobby?"

He stopped moving as the nurse wheeled his mother to a stop in front of him. Bobby gave Frances a warm smile as he bent over sideways and kissed her on the cheek. "Hi, mom."

She was looking at him like she hadn't seen him in years. It had been less than a week. "What're you doing here?" she asked incredulously. "I thought you were too busy with your job to come visit."

Bobby briefly wondered what could have caused his mother to ever think that, but decided against asking. Her answer probably wouldn't make any sense to him anyway. "I'm not too busy, ma." He was going to add that he wasn't working right now but knew that she would have some sharp comeback to that.

"Are you okay?" She asked as she looked him over from head to toe. "You're nervous and sweating."

Glancing at the nurse, she gave him a sympathetic smile as they started moving toward the room. "I'm fine, ma. Uh, Dr. Schimo called me." Bobby held open the door to his mother's room as the nurse wheeled her passed him.

Frances rolled her eyes as she angrily told him, "He's always sticking his nose in my business, trying to cause me trouble. I told him I was okay, but he wouldn't listen. Now he called you out here and making you worry over nothing?"

"Easy, ma, okay? I don't mind coming out here. And Dr. Schimo was right in calling."

"You're taking his side," she bit out as she stood up out of the chair once it was stopped beside her bed. "And you can take that thing away now," she told the nurse. "I didn't need it to begin with. I have legs, I know how to walk."

Bobby had to cover his mouth to repress a chuckle. Sometimes he couldn't help but laugh at his mother's comments, no matter how condescending they were. The nurse wasn't amused as she took the wheelchair and left the room.

Once his mother was settled on the bed, legs crossed Indian-style, and glaring at him, Bobby finally uncovered his mouth and let his amusement show.

"What's so funny?" Frances asked him, genuinely confused at his display of amusement.

"Nothin'." He shook his head and looked around the room that had been his mother's home for the better part of his adult life. Bobby noticed a few new books on her nightstand and a new picture on the wall. "You do that?" he asked as he pointed toward the painting.

Frances looked at what he was pointing at. "It was nature day," she said as way of answering him. She turned back to him. "So, what did the good doctor tell you about your mother, hmm?"

Bobby didn't like that look in her eyes; she was starting to slip away again. Dr. Schimo had told him that a couple of days ago his mother had experienced a break, and the new medications weren't working. There was no cure, the doctor kept telling him, just borrowed time until the next time. He decided to wait a few days, give his mother and the doctors time to settle her and find a dose of meds that could help, if only for a few hours. "Just that…you were feeling unwell." He had to lie to her, but she knew.

Her eyes narrowed as disappointment filled them. "Should've known," she mumbled to herself.

"Should've known, what, mom?"

"That you'd defend him before your mother."

Bobby groaned and rubbed at his tired eyes. He was almost tempted to ask about Frank, turn her focus and mind away from him but he couldn't do that to her, or himself. She would praise Frank then belittle him in the process of doing so, or skipping over all the horrors of his childhood to tell him that he was 'the lucky one' and never had nothing to worry about while Frank got the short end of the stick and nothing was ever his brother's fault.

He stopped his mind for following that train of thought. The anger he was generating wasn't going to do him any good in that mock of a normal existence room he was standing in.

"What's wrong with you?"

Bobby shook his head and tried to steer his mind back to the task at hand, even though he never knew what that was. In times like these, he figured all he was there for was to divert her anger and apathy away from the staff. "I'm tired; it was a long drive." As soon as he said it he knew her response. He could have probably recited it along with her if he wasn't too focused on his shoes.

"You're complaining about being tired? You drove all the way up here, and now you're sayin' you're tired? If I'm just going to be nothing but a-a-a burden or a-a break from you getting sleep, then why don't you leave? I don't need you here, showing up because I'm not feeling well like-like-like-like I'm not feeling well every day. You're not here every day, why-why would you be? You don't care enough to live closer that's why."

Bobby sat down heavily on the couch and leaned back staring at the ceiling as his mother continued her tangent on his inability to move closer and to care for her correctly. How if Frank wasn't such a busy genius scientist that he would be there every damn day. His head was hurting.

"There you go," she said as she waved toward him. Bobby used the same waving, dismissive gesture himself. The things you learn by watching your parents. "Staring at nothing and not listening to me just like always. You always do that, like it's so hard for you to actually listen for a change. Bobby-Bobby-Bobby!"

Bobby blinked back at the plastered ceiling before shifting his tired worried eyes to his mother. He wondered how many times he had seen her get so far into her delusions and damaged mind that she seemed catatonic to the rest of the world. Those were the times he had to really take care of not only her but himself. In those stages of her illness, he had to be the one to make sure that they ate, that the house was decent looking enough, that the bills were paid, and that she was cleaned and dressed because she couldn't do it her own self. He called his Aunt for that. He did help her brush her teeth and hair a lot of times just so he didn't have to bother his Aunt for something that simple.

It was only after he returned from the Army, when everyone that was able to care for his mother was gone or ill from old age, and only leaving him, that he had finally decided to admit her to Carmel Ridge. It was also the year his father had died. From the stress and pain from his father's passing, his mother experienced a horrible psychotic break and tried to kill herself. That was when she had felt the most hopeless and depressed, finally losing her husband even though they had been divorced since he was eleven.

There was a higher than average suicide rate associated with people who has schizophrenia. Clozaril was supposed to reduce the rate of suicide for people with schizophrenia, but it had come on the market in 1997. Five years too late for his mother. Usually, anyone with a mental illness who posed either a danger to themselves or to others were almost always admitted with the hope that they could be helped and kept from hurting themselves or others again. So, he had to do it. That was something he told himself, trying to ease the guilt, every day.

So far, his mother had not tried to kill herself again since being at Carmel Ridge. Eight years, and he still couldn't breathe a sigh of relief.

Frances had stopped talking. She just stopped her tangent dead and was staring hard at him. He was being a bad son, not thinking of her but thinking about her. Instead of being there with her, he was drifting further into his head, hiding and throwing up walls. As long as he felt safe and guarded, he was okay. He could take her tangents and her apathy and her words and all of her exaggerated emotions that always confused him.

Sitting up straight, he caught his mother's clouded brown eyes with his clear ones. Schizophrenics focus on things like the eyes. His mother could stare into his eyes for hours if he let her. It was almost a battle of wills, which one of them was going to back down first. He stood, and keeping his eyes locked with hers, stepped up to the side of the bed. Giving her another warm smile he slumped down a little and took her left hand in his. She didn't blink or move.

She was totally and completely unaware of the movements of his body; all she could see was his eyes. Her look didn't even stray to his nose or mouth, just staring into his eyes. Knowing that she was relatively calm now, having exhausted her frustration, he sat down on the edge of the bed and finally broke eye contact, looking to the floor before around the room.

When he looked back into her eyes, she was confused and looking at him the same way she had when he first saw her today. His mother was looking at him like she hadn't seen him in years.

"Bobby?"

It was hard to force the smile that didn't touch his eyes. "Yeah, I'm here, mom. You're tired, uhm…why don't you lay down and sleep for a little while?" He breathed out a deep breath as she just smiled warily as she did what he asked. Maybe the next time around, after she woke up, he could act like a better son.

Going over to the couch once more, he lay down across it and covered his eyes with his arm, blocking out the sunlight that filter in through the blinds. He had nowhere else to go, and he did want to be there when his mother woke and to talk to Dr. Schimo who was due back in a few hours, so he decided to try and get some sleep himself.

Through his drifting dark mind, he heard a noise. It was a phone ringing. Turning his head and searching the room with his ears for the source of the ringing, he realized that it was coming from his jacket pocket. Pulling out his cell phone, he flipped it open without looking at the ID. "Goren."

"Detective Robert Goren?" the male voice asked.

Bobby sat up on the edge of the couch and rubbed at his forehead and eyes. "Uh, yeah, who's this?"

"Captain Deakins, Major Case."

He shot up off the couch and quickly hurried out the room, closing his mother's door softly behind him as he took the call out in the hallway.

* * *

The sign outside the main doors read 'One Police Plaza' and Bobby could do very little at the sudden feel of extreme intimidation. And he was just looking at a sign on the building.

Glancing up, to the eleventh floor that was headquarters for the Major Case Squad, he took a deep breath to calm his nerves. He observed the other people standing with him waiting to cross the street and wondered if any of them were headed to the same place he was. A couple of men looked to be officers, and at further examination it wasn't hard to miss the guns bulging at the side of their jackets.

Once the crowd started moving, he didn't give those men a second thought. He was so focused on that building that he was nearly tunneled vision. The closer he got, the tighter the tie became around his neck. He wasn't used to wearing a suit. Not since the early days of working patrol had he been required to wear a tie. Then with Narcotics he could wear whatever in the hell he felt like wearing.

Willing his anxious hands to stay still and not go crazy yanking the damn tie off, he reached into his pocket and showed his ID and gold shield to the guard at the gate right outside the building.

Stepping into the building, he was assaulted with more lines of people going through two metal detectors. Finding the shortest line, he immediately went through the procedure of tossing his leather binder on a tray followed by everything he had in his pockets. He took long pulls off his coffee while he waited for an older woman to go through the metal detector.

Even though he knew he had nothing to worry about he took a breath before walking through the detectors like he was seconds away from being thrown to the ground and handcuffed. When nothing happened he let the breath out and picked up all his stuff again. Nodding to one of the guards he clipped the visitor badge to his jacket with a slight smile. Once he left the building he would hopefully no longer be a visitor but an employee.

He hurried to the elevators and pushed the arrow button that pointed up and waited again. It had only been a half-hour by subway from his apartment to the building, but he felt like he was seconds away from collapsing. This was without a doubt the biggest interview of his career. He couldn't screw it up.

The only thing he hoped for, if he got the job, was that he was placed with an understanding and reasonable partner; someone who wasn't gung-ho about practical procedure or better yet making him into someone that he simply wasn't. If his partner didn't know how to accept him and his unconventional thinking and techniques, then they were going to have trouble.

When the doors slid open on the eleventh floor, for a brief moment he couldn't move. His only saving grace was that he was the only one still on it. Looking at the brick and blue wall in front of him, he took a couple of reluctant steps forward and glanced around. He had to admit that the place was nice, and compared to the Narcotics Department which took up two floors, it was small.

Major Case Squad seemed like just that: a squad. A tight-nit community with only twenty or so officers, all packed into one bullpen. And he was an outsider until he officially entered their team. Taking a glance at the Captain's office, he noticed that Deakins was already there. The meeting wasn't scheduled until seven-thirty. He was an half an hour early.

Ignoring the looks from the few detectives already on the floor, Bobby strolled over to the office and tapped lightly on the door. He heard a muffled, "Come in," before he opened the door.

Deakins was on the phone but once he saw him he motioned him over and pointed to the chair in front of the desk.

Bobby didn't hesitate as he sat down and waited for the conversation to be over.

"Yeah, I know how time sensitive this case is. Let me assure you Mr. Fielding that I have the best people working on it, and when I know something you'll be the first person I call. Yes…okay. I understand. Huh, huh…" Deakins trailed off as he rolled his eyes.

Bobby smirked as he glanced at the floor and tried not to be so obvious that he was eavesdropping.

"Don't worry; we'll do everything we can, bye." Deakins hung-up the phone and looked at him before shaking his head. "That man is worse than the vultures."

"Mr. Fielding? As in Arnold Fielding?" Bobby asked once he felt it safe to acknowledge that he heard everything that was said.

"The one and only. You know him?"

Bobby shook his head. "No, sir, but I've heard of him. He was a benefactor to a library where my mother used to work."

"Where was that?" Deakins asked as he got up to re-fill his coffee cup. "What a cup? How'd you take it?"

After checking that the cup he had picked up at the corner bodega was empty, he answered, "Sure, uh…just cream. Thank you, sir. And it was Brooklyn, Canarsie." He took the offered cup, muttering another "thanks" as he took a cautious sip.

"Why Canarsie?" Deakins asked as he sat down.

Bobby shifted in the seat and looked around the office. He knew what Deakins was doing; instead of talking about the job, he was making him talk about himself. It was typical interview technique and one that he was never fond of. He never liked talking about his family or any part of his personal life. "My family…uh, mother and her brother settled there after he, uh, my uncle, got back from World War II. And their father…lived close; he had a club on Brighten Beach."

Deakins was leaning back in his chair again, comfortable and relaxed. "Is that where the military influence came from? Your uncle?"

He smiled a little as he answered, "Yeah, he got me thinking about it. The fact that I needed help getting to college was the overall driving influence for my decision though."

Deakins leaned forward and grabbed a file and opened it in front of him. It was a thick file, a personal file…It was his file. Bobby took a bigger gulp from the cup as he once again observed the room around him.

The captain liked his hobbies. He took in the signed baseball on the shelf, the model cars, and the mementos among the certificates and accommodations that the man had received through his years as an officer. Deakins was married, he had a ring on his left hand, but there were no photos of his family in the office, which was a good thing he believed. It was a good thing to keep the family and the job separated, even in the office.

"Your file is interesting, to say the least."

He turned his attention back to the Deakins as he stiffened. Bobby wasn't sure how to take that comment just yet, so he waited for him to elaborate.

"With Narcotics it seems that you were a force to be reckoned with?" Deakins glanced up at him.

Bobby felt his head nod as he took another drink to hid the fear creeping up in his chest and head.

"Let's see, 3 sting operations with a total of 27 arrests and convictions, all of which were major dealers and buyers. A few shootings but all of them cleared by IA. Your brief couple of years on patrol is littered with accommodations. It only took you two years to reach detective, passing the exam on the very first try." Deakins finally leaned back and eyed him. "Anything you want to…add or refute that is or isn't in your jacket? Or maybe justify any actions that are noted?"

Bobby wasn't expecting that question at all. He took a moment to gather his thoughts before answering. "No, everything that's important is there, and all of it is the truth. As for my actions…I believe they justify themselves…sir."

"You're not going to try to explain yourself, or defend what's marked here?"

Bobby shook his head. "I have no reason to think I have too. I'm confident in all my decisions and actions."

Deakins returned to the file as he started in saying, "Your military record is…astounding, as is your skills as a profiler. I'm looking forward to seeing those skills first-hand, Detective."

For a brief moment, he didn't catch what was said. And then it sunk in fast. Bobby tilted his head and gave a small, hopeful smile. "First-hand?"

Deakins closed the file as he told him, "You'll be a great addition to our team, Goren. Despite your…defiance, you're an exceptional officer. Welcome to Major Case."

He let that fill his head for a moment, giving him time to relish in the enjoyment of getting the job he so desperately wanted, before he shut down the excitement and asked, "What, uh…what're the terms of my…employment?" He knew that there would be conditions, there always were.

Deakins didn't even act surprised that he had asked that as he jumped right into it. "The first three months will be probationary. After those three months, we'll sit down for another meeting and discuss whether or not you'll have a permanent place here or…a temporary position until you're transferred elsewhere."

Bobby glanced at the floor then back out into the bullpen. "Uh, sir?" He asked as he turned his attention back to Deakins. "Will my…partner know about it?"

Now that question surprised the captain. "She'll know that she's getting you, if that's what you're asking." Deakins suddenly seemed apprehensive now that the momentary surprise had worn off.

A woman partner. Bobby didn't know how to feel about that. "Why a female partner? N-not that I'm complaining or…disapproving," he quickly added. "I'm just curious."

Deakins smiled a little as he addressed his curiosity, "It's a common theme in your file that you have…significant issues where partners are concerned. It's also interesting that they have all been males."

Bobby took that in and gave it some thought. "You're thinking that maybe a-a, uh, a female influence is what I need to keep…those issues grounded?"

Deakins shrugged. "It's worth a shot."

Bobby finally smiled at that. "Will she know about the probationary terms? Will you inform her of that?"

Deakins shook his head. "I don't want her to feel pressured to like or dislike you, Goren. And I would appreciate it if you don't tell her."

Bobby almost flinched at that. He didn't know if he could lie to his partner, especially if he was asked straight up about it. And with his reputation, questions were going to be asked. He wasn't exactly conventional, and soon his partner was going to be fully aware of that. "I understand that I'm not exactly the most…conventional when it comes to tactics. If she's aware that her word will be part of the deciding factor that'll either fire me or keep me, then…I'd want her to know."

"Why?"

Giving his answer a lot of thought, Bobby honestly told his Captain why. "Even though I want to be here, and I greatly appreciate that you're even considering me…If my partner doesn't think I should be here or if she can't work with me, then it's only right that she knew. She's been here longer, probably has seniority…I doubt she's going to feel _pressured_ into doing or saying anything. If I'm asked, by her, I won't lie."

Deakins eyed him over for the next few minutes before he finally dropped the front two legs of his chair down and stood. "Well, then, is there anything else?"

Bobby stood while shaking his head. "Uh, no."

"You've already stopped the 'sir' formalities."

Bobby stilled and was ready to apologize when Deakins smiled.

"Detective, that's a good thing. I hate being treated like I'll go off on someone just because they don't address me as 'sir' or 'captain'." Deakins shook his hand as he told him, "You're officially on-call this weekend. The next case that comes through will be assigned to you and your partner, so be ready to go at anytime. If a case doesn't come through over the weekend, I'll see you at eight Monday morning."

Bobby was having a hard time controlling his enthusiasm as he said softly, "Uh s-seven. You'll, uh, see me here by seven."

Deakins stood straight and nodded a little. "Seven it is."

TBC…


	28. Ch27: Accepting Fate

**A/N: **Thank you again to everyone who has reviewed and to those who stuck with me for this long!

* * *

Bobby tossed another tie onto the bed as he sighed in frustration. At the sight of the next tie he held in front of him, he tossed it onto the bed with the others. He didn't want to look like the American Flag on the first day of work. His eyes focused on the blue tie with white and silver strips. Well, at least it matched. His hands fumbled slightly as he fixed the tie around his neck. Satisfied at his appearance, he hurried to the kitchen and made himself a big cup of coffee that he quickly downed.

With his nerves jerking him around, the caffeine was only going to make his already hyper-active movements just that more expressive. He was going to freak his new partner out in seconds if he didn't calm himself down. Filling a to-go cup to the brim with more coffee, he glanced around one last time and double checked that he had his wallet, keys, shield, gun, leather binder…

He picked his binder up off the coffee table and tucked it under his right arm. Finally ready to go, he headed out of his apartment and toward the subway. At four in the morning the early August air was still cool. At least he wouldn't be breaking a sweat before he reached the subway. He was hoping the walk would release some of his pent-up nerves and anxiousness. It wasn't working, and the sound of his cell phone ringing didn't help matters either.

"Goren."

"Yeah, Goren, it's Captain Deakins."

Bobby stopped walked and listened intensely. For a moment, his breath caught in his throat at what the captain might tell him.

"Are you still there?"

"Uh, yeah, s-sorry Captain, I thought you were going to continue." Bobby recovered as he cleared his head. If the Captain was calling him now, it only meant one thing. "Do we have a call-out?"

"Yeah, Detective Eames is already en-route but I'm certain you'll get there before she does."

"Where's the scene at?" Bobby glanced back toward his apartment as he waited to learn where the scene was at. He took a mental note of the address Deakins gave him. He could be there in less than ten minutes. "All right, thanks, Captain."

It wasn't until he was securely on the subway train and gripping an overhead bar to keep from falling over that he let his thoughts drift.

During the last few months it had been a very stressful transition from the crazy and dangerous world of an undercover Narcotics officer to back being a 'regular Joe' detective. Just thinking about having a regular detective job was somewhat of a struggle. He had spent a few hours twice a week for nearly a month with Dr. Olivet, one of the department's psychiatrists, and it had been beneficial. She had helped him cope with his anger and getting him focused on getting his life back in order. But what really helped him through it were his friends and Irene. They helped him have fun again, and Irene was there when he needed her for anything.

Pulling out his cell phone, he sent her a message asking for dinner tonight after his first day back on the Job. Taking a quick observation around the rolling train, he took a sip of the coffee as he let his mind wonder again to what had him really worried and that was his new network of people that included his captain, colleagues, and his new partner. He was on a probationary basis. If there was ever a time when his captain or partner felt he wasn't fit or right for the MCS, than that was it. He would have to look somewhere else for employment.

Suddenly, the train was stopping and he had to look out the windows to make sure that, yes, it was his stop. Swallowing hard, he filed out of the train along with a hundred other people and headed for the stairs. While people fought and pushed their way through the crowd and hurried to get to or from the street above, Bobby walked along like he was in no hurry at all. Despite his cool demeanor, on the inside he was anything but calm.

He had yet to meet his partner. When he had his meeting with Deakins, she had the day off. He had heard about Detective Alexandra Eames; he knew without a doubt that she could take down the toughest of men and women. Plus, she was incredibly street smart coming from a family of cops. He had no doubt that she was a great detective. However, what he feared was that they wouldn't be able to work together. She would be his first female partner…He still didn't know how to feel about that.

_Alexandra. Why did her name have to be that? _He could see her wanting to be called 'Alex'. God really did have a sense of humor…or a sadistic way of fucking with him.

Coming out of the tunnel, he stopped just short of the crosswalk and stared across the street at the big building in front of him. The Dalton Hotel was buzzing with police vehicles and CSU's, and, to his dismay, television crews. Jogging across the street, he quickly got into the building before the news cameras found there way over to him.

His gold shield was firmly clipped to his suit jacket so no one stopped him as he made his way up to the fifteenth floor. The hallway was filled with CSU's and officers.

An officer spotted him and nodded. "You with Major Case?"

Bobby nodded as he glanced at the man's name tag. "What'd we got?" he asked getting straight to business. He opened his binder and began taking notes as Officer Daniels filled him in.

"White male, shot once in the head. Name's Eric Jacobs, age 56, and he's from Chicago. We think it's a suicide. The gun was found in his hand."

Bobby nodded as he finished writing. "Eric Jacobs…You said Chicago?" When the officer nodded, he shook his head. "He's a Senator."

"That explains why they wanted me to call you guys in, huh?"

Bobby stared disbelievingly at the officer before he turned his attention to the dead naked body on the floor, taking in the many abrasions and bruising forming on the man's face. The bullet was a straight shot through the left temple of his head. Glancing around, he spotted a CSU's field kit on the floor. "Do you mind?"

The CSU tech raised a brow and watched him as he reached down and took out a pair of latex gloves.

"He was found like this?"

"Like what?" Officer Daniels asked.

Going back over to the body, Bobby knelt down and gestured over the naked body as he said, "Uh, you know…baring it all?"

"Yeah."

He nodded as he picked up the man's left hand; the index finger was beginning to bruise on both sides. "Good, no one disturbed the crime-scene," he said as he looked at the dead man's left wrist. He wore his watch on his left wrist. That was odd; most left handed people put their watches on their right wrists. "Have you checked for GSR yet?" he called over to the CSU tech.

"He had just a small amount on his palm, that's it," the tech replied.

"That doesn't fit if it's a suicide. Neither does all these abrasions. He was beaten and…uh, he's right handed, not left." Bobby raised the man's palm up to his nose. It smelled of residue. Frowning, he glanced around the floor at the various blood stains. Most of the blood was focused around the body except for a single pool of blood across the room. "There was someone else here. Another victim."

"How'd you know?"

It was her voice. The voice he never thought he would hear again. Bobby froze as he became confused and then it clicked in his head. _Her name really is Alex…and God really doesn't care about me at all._ He tilted his head down and turned it slowly to be looking around his right arm.

For a moment, she stood stunned with her mouth slightly open at the sight of seeing him. Then it was gone. She quickly got herself together and calm as always as she settled him with an odd look.

Bobby shook his head and glanced around the whole room at anything and one but her. "Well, uh…" he had to clear the dry cotton out of his throat. He pointed over to the pool of blood across the room. "That pool of blood, it's away from the body. Someone was over there, and…" he trailed off as he held up the dead man's left hand. "His hand is clean of GSR, except on the palm. His index finger is bruised on both sides…like something was pushing on it from both sides."

"He was forced to pull the trigger," Alex said simply as she took in the body. "The GSR got on whosever hands were holding his hand onto the gun. So, who was the unlucky visitor?"

Bobby finally looked back up at her before standing and walking over to the pool of blood across the room. There was a weird distortion at the edge of the blood, like something disturbed it as it was drying. Without thinking twice, he squatted down beside it and then bent down until his nose was nearly brushing the carpet. "Uh…perfume. It was a woman." He looked up and spotted the surprise look on Alex's face. "There's, uh…there're hair strands here," he called over to the CSU tech. "Long and blond; they should confirm that the other victim's a female."

"And if it doesn't," Alex asked once she shook off her shock. She was sounding irritated.

Bobby slowly got up to his feet and straightened. "It will," he assured her. After a moment eyeing each other, he realized that they were being observed by everyone in the room. They were supposed to be new partners but they had yet to introduce themselves. So, he went to offer her a hand before he realized he was still wearing gloves. He quickly stripped the right hand glove off and offered his hand again. "Robert Goren."

Alex briefly hesitated before she played along and shook his hand. "Alex Eames."

Bobby nodded and smiled. Once he released her hand, he put the glove back on and ventured around the room. He needed to refocus on the scene. They were both professionals and acted like it. Whatever was going to be said about the past was going to wait until after the work was done.

Grabbing his binder off the bed where he sat it down, Bobby opened it and began taking notes. As he was about to walk away from the bed, he glanced down at it and noticed that something was missing. The sheet was gone.

Taking a look around the room, and even in the bathroom, he didn't see the sheet anywhere. Sighing in frustration, his mind went over all the different possibilities when he realized something. Going back over to the pool of blood that belonged to the missing woman, he stared at the distorted edge of it on the carpet.

"Are you going to let me in on why you look like a dog who's just found his bone?"

Bobby nervously pointed over to the bed. "The top sheet's missing…the woman's missing." He glanced up at Alex. "They, uh, wrapped her in the sheet. The blood pool had been disturbed; probably from when they covered her up." He frowned and shook his head. _Why did they take her and leave him?_

After they were done with the scene, they both headed down the hall and onto the elevator. It was the most awkward and uncomfortable elevator ride in his life. He ventured a glance over at Alex but she was staring intently at the door. Bobby cleared his throat as he stated the obvious, "We need to find out who the woman was."

"I know," came her no-nonsense reply.

Bobby continued to stare at the light moving from floor to floor as they passed them. "I'll, uh…I'll check out the surveillance footage."

She was quiet for a moment before she replied with, "I'll talk to the staff."

He nodded a little to himself because she wasn't looking at him, except for maybe his fuzzy reflection in the brass colored elevator doors. "How did they take her out of here without anyone noticing?" Bobby softly asked himself.

"You'll see, won't you?"

Bobby didn't know how to take that sarcasm; he had no idea what was going through Alex's head just then but if it was anything that was going through his, it couldn't be good. The doors opened and she stepped out first and went right over to the desk. He trailed behind and took a few moments to not only look the lobby over but to get his mind back on track. It didn't help at all that he felt his phone vibrate and saw that Irene confirmed his dinner invitation.

It was going to be a very long day.

* * *

The drive back to 1PP was just as uncomfortable as the elevator ride. Neither one of them knew exactly what to say to each other. Bobby could only guess at why she had yet to say anything to him. She wanted to wait until after work, which was pretty much his thinking as well. The last thing he wanted to do was for them to cause a scene while on duty.

This whole situation was unexpected and he wanted to run it over in his head before he breached the subject. He needed to figure out if this could work, if they could move past their time spent together undercover and work as partners. If not then he wasn't sure what would happen to him, both professionally and personally. Taking a deep breath, he resigned himself to be staring out the passenger window of the department issues SUV because Alex had insisted on driving and he wasn't in any mood to argue. And it wasn't like he wasn't used to her need to drive.

In the back of his mind he heard Alex's voice. Turning away from the passing scenery, he carefully asked, "What?" He wasn't sure if she had actually said anything or not.

She didn't take her eyes off the road as she repeated, "You shaved."

Bobby smiled a little as he glanced around, out of the windshield and onto the road. "You let your hair grow longer," he softly, and nervously, stated back to her. He dared a brief look in her direction and caught the slight smile that graced her lips before it was gone.

A couple minutes before they pulled into the parking garage, he got a call from the M.E. Elizabeth Rodgers. She had received the body of their victim and was starting the autopsy. He barely waited until the truck was parked before jumping out of it and hurried to the stairs before he remembered that Alex was with him. Stopping abruptly, he turned and waited anxiously for her to catch up.

"What's the rush?"

Bobby shifted back a few steps and blinked back at the woman standing in front of him; he still couldn't believe that she was his new partner. "Uh, autopsy…" he meekly got out as he turned and opened the door to the stairwell.

It was faster getting to the morgue that way than taking the elevator. Also if he ran down the stairs hopefully it would help him to burn off some of the nervous and anxious energy he had coursing through his body which shook him to the core. And the reason for all that restless energy was the woman who was following right behind him as he rounded one landing and then another until he was in the basement.

"Do you ever slow down?" she asked him once they were in the hallway.

"Not if I can help it." Bobby took the time to give her a once over as he held the pushed the door open for her. She was breathing a little hard with having to keep up with him, but other than that, she didn't seem to be anything except focused and calm.

As soon as Rodgers laid eyes on him, she frowned and looked over at Alex. "I'm so sorry."

Alex stopped just short of the table and crossed her arms. "For what?"

Rodgers motioned toward him as she said apologetically, "That he's your new partner."

Bobby smirked at the Medical Examiner as he pulled on a pair of latex gloves and circled the body on the table. "I would take offense, but…" he trailed off, leaving the rest unsaid. He knew better than anyone how he was perceived by the rest of the department.

"So, you two have met?" Alex asked as she smiled at Rogers.

Rodgers rolled her eyes as she told her, "Only once, but that was enough. Guess I'm going to have to get used to you now, huh Goren?"

Bobby tried not to let it show that he was hearing them as he looked over the parts of the body that was exposed. So far his examination of the victim told him the same thing that he already knew that the crime-scene. Looking up at Rodgers, he asked, "Uh, yeah, sure. Did you find something I'm not seeing?"

Rodgers gave him an irritated yet satisfied smile as she pulled the sheet back to expose the man's upper thighs.

Bobby didn't even flinch but he looked up slightly toward his partner to see that Alex looked away. "Bruises forming on his upper thighs," he said mostly to himself. "Uh…he was being restrained, held down?"

"Could be," Rodgers agreed. "But I found saliva and vagina fluid on him."

"So," Alex said with a hint of sarcasm, "he was blown before he got his brains blown _out_."

Bobby straightened as he ducked his head, trying hard not to laugh. He couldn't look up at Alex in fear of losing his battle of control, so he kept his eyes on the dead body as he said, "Explains the, uh…missing woman." It took everything he had to clear his throat and ask Rodgers with all seriousness, "Could, um, sex have caused this type of bruising?"

Rodgers shot a warning glare at Alex, who snapped her mouth shut, before telling him, "It's a possibility."

"Okay," he said as he moved around the table toward the door. Bobby wanted to reach out and take Alex's arm and guide her to the door with him but fought down the urge. She followed him anyway without his prompting.

Alex called over her shoulder as they headed out of the office, "Thanks Rodgers," before the door shut behind them.

Once they were in the elevator on the way up to the eleventh floor, Bobby tentatively asked, "Is it a good or bad thing?" When he looked down at her, he saw her tense but she hid it well by crossing her arms across her chest.

Alex glanced up at him as she asked a little too cautiously, "What exactly?"

Looking down into her eyes, Bobby debated if he should ask her the real question that needed to be answered. If he wasn't so afraid of the answer himself, he probably would have asked her the other question he had itching on his tongue. Instead, he opted for the easy way out. He smiled slightly as he rubbed at his jaw. "That I shaved?"

He could see the way she relaxed as he asked that. Alex shook her head in annoyance but he could see the amusement in her light brown eyes. The eyes he had been seeing and dreaming about for over four months now. "I haven't decided yet."

"Well," he said as he dropped his hand to his side and stared up at the flashing numbers. "If it's any consolation, I-I, uh…I like your hair…like that. Looks good." He nodded a little to himself.

He couldn't look over at her as it was getting harder to breathe. What he could do was sniff the thick air in the small, closed space and all that he could smell was her. She wasn't wearing any perfume, and that made it worse because he could smell _her_, that wonderful intoxicating scent that was pure Alex. It made his head spin. He impulsively rubbed at the back of his neck as he dropped his head to be staring at the floor as the air got thicker.

The whole situation was flipping his world back around, but this time it wasn't stopping and he was afraid in where it would land. Everything in his life right then was riding on one person and one person only, and that was the woman standing next to him, slowly killing him without even knowing it.

When the doors opened, he hesitated, waiting until she got out first before following her. If she let him he would follow her everywhere. He stopped short of the desk she sat down at and eyed the other one across from her before glancing around the rest of the squad room.

"Problem?"

Bobby took in the position of their desks with everything else in the room and realized that they were basically front and center…in a way. He could see everything but more importantly everyone could _see_ him. "N-no, uh…I'm good. No problem." He slowly sat his binder down on the desk, almost expecting it to crash to the floor and wouldn't that be embarrassing, before he pulled out the chair.

"Eames! Goren!"

He didn't even get a chance to sit down before Deakins voice radiated in his ears. Bobby looked up toward the Captain's office and then over at Alex. She was already out of her seat and crossing the room by the time he took his hand off the back of the chair. He slowly followed, keeping his steps close so not to step on the back of her heels that he was quickly descending upon.

As soon as the door was closed, Deakins demanded answers. "Let's have it."

Bobby went to speak when Alex cut him off before he could get anything out.

"Eric Jacobs, Chicago Senator, he arrived alone Saturday night at nine exactly. Hotel staff said that he was in and out all day on Sunday, he was preparing for a fundraiser that's taking place tonight. As far as everyone was concerned, he didn't leave or come back with anyone. The only person he talked to was the bartender at the hotel's restaurant and a couple of women who were staying at the hotel as well."

"And this woman?"

Bobby remained silent until Alex looked over at him and raised a brow, telling him it was his turn. "Oh, uh, so far s-she, uh, she's been identified as 'Angel'. According to the security guards, she's been causing problems for them and the hotel staff. Ya know, she-she's been showing up and trying to get men to…to take her up to their rooms. I'm guessing a, ah, prostitute. Somehow, she got a key card to the hotel and got in through a side entrance, that's why no one at the desk saw her. And she took the stairs, never an elevator. She was taken from the room by two unidentified men. I think she was the target. The Senator, he, uh…just, got in the way." Bobby eyed the captain as he finished his rushed explanation.

"A Senator was collateral damage to a hooker?"

Bobby glanced over at Alex, expecting some form of confirmation to his theory but only received a confused and weird look in return. "Yeah," he shrugged as he looked back at the captain than at the floor. "The fact that they even went through the trouble of trying to make it look like a suicide tells me that they didn't want it known that she was there…but they botched it. I mean…eh-if they were going after him, or…trying to, uh…_expose _him for what he was doing…they wouldn't have taken her."

"What if they were trying to protect the Senator by taking the hooker out of his room?" Alex asked from across the office.

Bobby shook his head. "They would have covered him up or re-dressed him, cleaned him. They wouldn't have left him like that."

Deakins eyed him closely before he asked Alex, "What do you think about that?"

Alex was looking at him and not at the captain when she said, "I think that's a whole lotta if's. We have nothing to back it up."

Bobby frowned and cautiously glanced up at her before sighing heavily. He wasn't surprised that she was confused and not jumping onto his line of thought, no one did. He was always two to five steps ahead of everyone else in the room, always.

Deakins glanced from one detective to the other. He rubbed at his head and then waved at them, dismissing them. "Then get to it. Find some evidence to back this theory up."

"What's wrong with my theory?" Bobby asked once they got back to their desks and he was finally able to sit down.

Alex gave him a look like that as a stupid thing to ask. "Nothing, except for the fact that I don't have a clue as to where it came from and why you've never mentioned it to me before."

"That's not nothing," he muttered lightly under his breath. Bobby caught the roll of her eyes and he had to hide a smirk. "Look, Al--"

"Eames."

Bobby's mouth dropped as he heard that curt interruption. "What?"

Alex leaned over her desk to get closer as she told him, "It's Eames; I'm your partner now, Goren."

Sinking back into his chair, he let that sink in; in some strange way he suddenly felt like had been defeated, and he wasn't sure why. There was an anger in her voice and an emotion he wasn't sure of that had seeped into her use of his last name that had sent a stinging shiver down his spine.

He couldn't think of anything to say to her for the rest of the day. By the time it came time to leave, he had talked to several video CSU techs, made phone calls to a dozen or so people that knew the Senator or people that could identify the woman who was taken, but he hadn't uttered another word to his partner.

* * *

It was all starting to get unbearable. He had broken it off with Irene that Monday night after work; she wasn't even surprised or upset. In fact, she had been expecting it, almost waiting for it. At least they could still be friends. She had said that, he just nodded with agreement and hoped for the best.

He wished he could hope for the best when it came to work. It had been a week and they had yet to talk except during working hours and it was always about a case. The tension that settled between the two of them was felt vibrating all over the squad room. Alex was getting all the support and concern from her fellow detectives and he wasn't the least bit surprised or upset about it. Alex deserved every ounce of respect she was receiving. He was used to not having the support he never demanded from anyone.

They needed to talk before it was too late, he knew, but he was lost in what to say or do. He had no idea what he had done or what he was doing wrong. And Alex was just as fucking stubborn as he was, and she was biting her tongue just as forcefully as he was to keep from saying something out of line while they were on the Job.

Bobby blinked back at the top of the subway train. The lights were flashing on-and-off from the passing stops and stations, making the inside of the train look like a disco club. Remnants of the storm that was brewing above the tunnels dripped off his coat and onto the floor. He reached up and wiped the rain from his brows, his neck, and along his jaw but he could still feel the wetness run down along his face from his hair. It was warm against his cold skin and he shivered despite the heat in the train.

He was reminded of a thought he had months ago as he continued to stare up at the passing shadows on the subway: how did he let it get this bad? It had only been a week, but the pain that was clinching his chest felt like it'd been strangling him for years. They had to talk, they had to. It was inevitable.

He carried that thought with him all the way into Queens, down the musky rain soaked street she lived on, and then up the three flights to her floor. They had to talk. Tonight something was going to give; it was either going to be this tension between them or their partnership. Raising his hand and staring at the light red carpeting, he knocked on the door.

TBC…Oh, I'm evil, I know.


	29. Ch28: A Delicate Talk

**A/N: **So, yeah, this was difficult…Enjoy!

* * *

There was movement behind the door, he could see her shadow block out the light through the peephole. She was looking at him through it; saw him standing there, in front of her door dripping wet from the rain outside. It was getting late, nearly eleven, but they needed to hash this out, and doing it during working hours was not an option. She was standing right there, a few feet from him, and only being separated by her wooden door that had yet to open.

She didn't want him there. Bobby felt his body start to give into the exhaustion and the strain from the past week. Leaning his head against the door, he breathed out and closed his eyes. His body and heart was telling him to stay; to pound on her door until she let him in so that all the built up tension and pain that was making his every working hour hell go away. His mind was telling him, yelling at him, to just give it up, give her up, and leave. Go home and wait it out, let her be the one to give him up. He couldn't do that. Not with her.

If she was any other detective, any other officer, he wouldn't bother having this talk with her. He would accept her tension that she presented around him, he would accept her dismissal of him as her partner, and he would let her choose whether to stick it out with him or not. It wasn't like he wasn't used to the animosity.

But this was Alex, and she was different. He loved her. Raising his hand next to this face on the door, he knocked again. When there still wasn't any indication that she was going to open the door, he spoke loud enough so she could hear him on the other side, "Alex…I…I know you're there."

He leaned back and looked at the peephole and saw the dark shadow move so that light could be seen again. She was pacing in front of the door. He knew that she was having her own internal debate on whether or not to let him in, but this was something they had to do.

"We have to talk. You _know _we have to talk about this." The anger and frustration he was feeling was starting to seep out in annoyance. "Please, just…let me in. Alex?" He stared into the depths of the peephole, the only connection he had right then with the woman who had wrecked havoc on his whole existence, and felt his jaw clench at the way his voice was pleading. He hated begging. Why did this woman always have to make him beg? "Al--…Eames, open the door."

Just when he thought his trip up to Queens was a waste of time, and that he should give up on having any kind of relationship with Alex, the lock clicked and a chain fell against the door. She didn't open it, but the shadow completely moved away from the peephole as he gripped the knob and opened the door.

Alex was standing in the middle of the room, looking uncertain and pissed off at the same time. Her arms crossed over her chest when she locked onto his eyes. She was prepared for him, or at something she thought she had to protect herself from.

His eyes were the only thing that moved as he took her in from the stern features of her face; she looked wide awake but had obviously had a work-out after work as her hair was hastily pulled up into a ponytail. She was wearing a comfy looking sweater that had been thrown over the shirt she had worn earlier at work and a pair of jogging sweats finished the attire; her bare feet were exposed, showing off her well manicured toes that were painted red. He felt a smile caress his lips at the sight of her. There would be nothing easy about this talk or being alone with her in her home…she was beautiful.

The door was propped open with his hand still resting on the knob, but he had yet to actually step foot into the apartment. At seeing her like that, he breathed a sigh of deep relief as he leaned against the doorway. She was watching him watching her and he was struck with a familiar pleasure at that look. He had seen that look before and wanted to do anything to keep seeing it. He loved her eyes on him; loved how that look made him feel. It wasn't a look of indifference or hate or disappointment or disgust, but of curiosity, acceptance, understanding, and love.

Or at least it used to be all those things.

Now, she was concerned and annoyed and pissed the hell off. She hadn't forgiven him.

That was what it had come down to. Alex had not forgiven him for the way he had blown her off, for not telling her about the way the undercover operation was going to go down, and for not trusting her with it. She had been there, outside the club, and had to witness the paramedics bringing him out on a stretcher with the pretense of his death. His pain and panic had been real when he was strapped down to the stretcher and he wondered how she had responded to that. He had scared her by not trusting her, not treating her like the partner she had demanded, and earned.

Four months later, here they were, face-to-face once again and this time they were real partners. His trust had not improved and he figured that her trust with him had been broken, damaged.

Bobby knew that he had to either suck it up and do what he should have done four months ago instead of avoiding her, or he could do what he did four months ago and let his insecurities push Alex away for good.

Dropping his hand off the doorknob, he straightened and took a few steps into the apartment and closed the door behind him. He didn't want to get Alex's carpet wet, so he shrugged off his jacket and hung it up before slipping off his wet shoes. Slowly making his way into the living room, following her through it and into the kitchen, he took in her home. It was just as comfortable and homey as the apartment in the Bronx, except it was more personalized and photos were scattered around the walls and on tables and bookshelves.

He had no photos in his apartment. There was one family album and his mother had it with her up at Carmel Ridge. His apartment was just a place he spent his time in-between working hours, and a lot of the time he was working at home. The kitchen was small but for one person it was perfect. A small table was against a far wall with a chair on both ends with a basket of fruit in the middle. He made his way over to the table and pulled a chair out and sat while she started making a cup of tea for herself and a cup of coffee for him.

They had been silent and even though they were both acting comfortable that was the last thing he was feeling. He felt like he was invading on her privacy and he was, but it all came back to the fact that they needed to do this. It had to be done. He eyed the old wooden table that had many dings and chipped edges and ran his thumb over one spot that had been burned in the corner.

"My grandfather did that."

Bobby looked up at Alex; she was watching him as she stirred milk into the coffee. He knew that Alex didn't like cream in her coffee so the thought of asking for it instead of milk was abandoned. She didn't have cream in her house. "It looked like it was from a cigar."

Alex gave a tight smile as she walked over to the table and handed him the cup before sitting down across from him in the other chair. "When I was eight he came over to help my father install an air conditioner. They decided to prop it up with the table but…well, the table was too tall and the air conditioner paid the price. It slid out of the window and crashed onto the back deck. I still remember the dumbfounded look on his face, mouth gaping open as the cigar dangled out of his mouth before dropping to the table. It caught the new cloth my mother had just bought on fire, and burnt that spot on the table."

Bobby was smiling as she retold the story and couldn't help but laugh at the image her memory had created in his mind. He took a sip of the coffee and smiled wider, it was perfect. Resting his head against his right hand, he watched the emotions that played across her face. She had gone from smiling and laughing at her childhood memory to tired yet worried and uneasy as she looked around her kitchen and then back to him.

"You said we have to talk."

He took another sip off the coffee as he dropped his eyes back to the table. Bobby was reluctant to start it but he was the one knocking on her door at eleven o'clock at night. He was the one that jumped on a subway train heading to Queens instead of his apartment in Brooklyn, and he was the one who had insisted that they talked. What was wrong with him? He was never the one to talk about anything personal but here he was. And now that he was there, drinking her wonderful coffee and looking into her eyes, he didn't know what to do or say.

Looking to her for help, he realized how desperate he was at not being the one to breach the subject. God, he was pitiful.

Alex must have sensed his apprehension because she sighed and rolled her eyes at him in irritation. "Bobby--"

"I thought it was Goren."

At that, and hearing the bitterness in his voice, Alex stared at him with that evil look that all men knew well. "Fine," she said with her voice straining. "Goren, you're being an asshole."

Bobby wanted to be upset, but just then he smirked at that and took a longer drink of the coffee. She saw that smirk and shook her head at him. "You're right," he finally said after he managed to get over his fear of deep, personal conversation; if only for the moment. "I'm being a jerk."

"I said asshole, not jerk."

He smiled over at her and gave her the satisfaction of calling him that. "Okay, I'm being an asshole, but, you're not helping me here."

"I didn't think I had to."

She really wasn't going to make this easy. As soon as he realized that she hadn't forgiven him, Bobby knew he was going to have to fight for this, and he had never fought for himself with anyone, ever. He could go to bat for many people for many different reasons, but he had never once defended himself. The world made it clear to him long ago that he wasn't openly welcomed, so he accepted that fate and carried around the notion that he was better off alone, better off in his own little corner than trying to fight for his importance. He wasn't special, nobody was. So what gave him the audacity to think he had the right to come to Alex and demand anything from her?

"Bobby?"

He slowly slid his tired eyes up to her and saw her sudden shock before it was gone. Bobby wondered what she had seen in his dark eyes before he had blinked and the emotions he had been feeling were buried. He tilted his head and waited for her to ask the question he saw lingering in her eyes.

Alex studied him closely, like a cop, while she took a few sips off her tea before leveling him with a curious stare. "Where'd you go when you do that?"

Bobby sighed heavily at that weighed question and returned his eyes to be staring into the caramel colored coffee instead of the caramel colored eyes of the woman across from him. "Nowhere, I'm…just thinking…in my head," he told her. It was the truth. That was where he always retreated too; how far deeply he went was another matter, and one he wasn't going to try to explain to her. She wouldn't understand anyway.

"You go off pretty far just to think." There was no questioning, she was stating her observation. Alex was good at observing him and even though she didn't understand a lot of what she saw in him, she at least accepted it.

"I want…" Bobby suddenly found himself ready to talk; his fears were pushed aside as he shifted nervously in the chair and looked up at her, meeting her eyes. "I want to, um, to be…partners."

She visibly sighed as her shoulders slumped in an air of defeat, but her eyes were telling him that she was getting ready for a battle. "Bobby…"

"Alex." Bobby had missed calling her that; had missed the intimacy that had swelled in his heart and the images it brought to his mind as he said her name. He took a deep, steady breath as he gently told her, "I should have, uh…" God this was difficult. He rubbed at his forehead as he felt it begin to pound under his palm. "I sh-should've confided in you. I didn't think how it would affect you, seeing me like that…after, after what happened with Joe…"

Alex wasn't looking at him; her eyes were focused on the table as she took in what he had said. She nodded a little before giving him a hard glare. "You're right, you didn't think. You never took the time to consider me at all."

Bobby stared right back at her. His breathing was starting to shake in his tight chest as he pushed down the surge of anger that had sparked at her clear contempt for him, and the fact that she was right. "You…you hate me?"

Alex was looking annoyed as her anger flared. "No, I don't hate you, but I don't think you understand how hard it was for me, how hard it'll still be for me, and us, if we continue working together. Bobby, you're still not considering my feelings—"

It was getting hard for him to sit still as he pushed himself up out of the chair. He made a short fleeting attempt toward the living room, but suddenly stopped his jerking movements and leaned against the counter. He dropped his head and gripped the edge of the counter. Even though the accusation was real and warranted, he couldn't see past the desperate ache and need in his heart to do anything to be with Alex. It didn't have to be a physically intimate relationship; he just needed to _be_ with her.

"Bobby," Alex continued; she was on the war path now. "How can you even think we can have a good working relationship when you can't even trust me?"

"I trust you," Bobby gritted out of his tight mouth; his jaw was clenching so hard it hurt to speak. "Alex, I…" he trailed off. He was so confused and hurting that his mind was a blur of emotions, clouded by his heart. "I don't know how…" His frustration was building and threatening to break so he said the only thing he could think of that might possibly be the right thing as he looked over at her. "I'm sorry."

That wasn't the right thing because Alex just shook her head and went to leave the kitchen.

"It wasn't a mistake." Bobby wasn't sure if Alex heard him or not. For all he knew she was already out of the kitchen and holding the front door open for him to leave. Glancing over his shoulder, he almost froze at the sorrowful look on her face as she leaned against the wall with her arms crossed.

"What wasn't a mistake?"

"Us, being partners. I-I don't think it was a mistake. We…Alex, we worked great together. I know how…_right_ it felt when we were working together undercover."

Alex closed her eyes and when she opened them he could see a deeply seeded pain there. That look nearly broke him in two. "Yes, that was right, partly right anyway. But now, there's nothing right about this. This feels wrong."

"It's not wrong!" Bobby stopped the anger that was building as he shook his head, calming himself down. "W-why…what changed?"

Alex stared at him with that 'you're an idiot' look she made good use of throwing his way lately, she asked, "Where have you been, Goren?" The sharpness in her voice shook him to his core. "Everything has changed."

"Our surroundings changed, our-our circumstances, but we haven't. I'm still willing to make this work between us; I'm still here, Alex."

"And we still love each other."

Bobby stopped and stared at her. He knew that he still did but he didn't know if she did. It never occurred to him that she would. After everything he had put her through, she still loved him. "Uh," he closed his eyes as he tried to get his brain started up again and shook his head. He opened his eyes to be staring back into her eyes and he saw the hurt and confusion that clouded her eyes. "I'm not…That's of no consequence."

In the time it took Alex to register what he fumbled to say, he mentally kicked himself because that came out all wrong. _Fuck!_ Bobby watched as she stalked out of the kitchen and this time he followed. "I didn't mean it that way," he tried to reason with her, but he knew he was dying and dying fast. "Alex…Alex, Eames will you stop!"

She turned with her hand on the doorknob. The threat to throwing him out was immediate and he wasn't about ready to bow down just yet.

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't kick your ass out?"

Bobby was suddenly deeply aroused by the tough little woman who was ten seconds away from beating the living daylights out of him. She was everything he had wanted for the past four months and his desire for her was finally catching up with his tired heart. It had been too long since he felt her against him, since he had last kissed her, and here she was standing toe-to-toe with him and fighting against him like a wounded lover. She was his wounded lover, but he was hurting too. And his desire to beat that pain away won out over anything else as he closed the distance between them.

His lips covered hers at the exact moment he pushed her hard up against the door. The hunger in him grew as Alex stopped fighting him and wrapped her arms around his neck to pull him closer and deepen the kiss. The ache eased as he found his home back in her warm welcoming mouth. As she took his tongue in her mouth, she also took with it every empty feeling he'd had for the last four months. For the first time in a long time he felt safe, welcomed, and centered. He had no idea how much he needed anyone until he felt the emptiness of her absence.

So, when she gripped his shoulders and pushed him back, the magnitude of heart break that engulfed him nearly collapsed him against her. And when she breathed heavily against his left ear, telling him, "Bobby, we need to stop," he had to steady himself between her and the door so not to drop to his knees. He didn't want to open his eyes, but he forced himself to look down at her and when he did, his control nearly broke as he watched the tears that slid down her face.

Neither of them spoke as they looked at each other. It amazed him how things changed. Usually it would have been Alex forcing him to open up to her, to be with her and for him to stop fighting his emotions. Now, Alex was the one hiding and pushing him away. Bobby's hand shook slightly as he reached up and smoothed the stream of tears off her cheek with his thumb. She sighed deeply as her body shook at his touch.

Alex reached up and took a hold of his left hand and stilled it before he could cup her face. "If…" she had to take a moment to swallow down the quiver in his voice. "If you want to be partners…we can't do this."

Bobby knew she was right, but it was so hard to let go. He didn't think that he would ever see Alex again, and to be thrown into this cruel fate of being torn between having all of her or only part of her with the job…Denial seemed like a good place to hide.

He wondered briefly why he never once thought about forgetting about being her partner so that they could be together as lovers again, but he already knew the answer to that. It was the same with all his other past attempts at a relationship, it didn't work that way. Not with him. A relationship with Alex would be disastrous because he wouldn't be able to let her go. And she would go, they all left him, it was just a matter of when. He was never willing to put Alex through that with him, not after what they had already been through with each other. They had already said goodbye once, a second time would kill him. The dependence he had placed with Alex terrified him; a partnership would be a good, healthy balance. And hopefully it would be one that would last.

"I know," Bobby finally said as he dropped his hand but he had yet to move his body off of hers.

She was so warm and he was feeling so cold, and alone. The struggle within was pulling at every ounce of energy he had left and his fatigue was winning out over his control as he leaned down and brushed his lips over hers. He could feel the same struggle within her as she lightly kissed him back as her hands tightened hard on his shoulders. Breathing deeply out the rest of his resolve, he rested his head against her temple and closed his eyes as his arms wrapped her into a long embrace that neither one of them wanted to sever.

"What're you feeling?" she asked into his neck.

He quivered at her warm breath as he shook his head slightly. Bobby didn't understand what he was feeling; the strong emotions that were rippling through him were confusing but he knew what he was thinking. "You should never ask a man what he feels," he told her lightly; he smiled when he felt her chuckle. "I don't know what I'm feeling…It just hurts. I-I, uh, I think…I think this is going to take a lot of effort."

Alex moved against the door and pushed him slightly back so she could see his face. The understanding and empathy he saw on her face broke his heart all over again. This cut her just as deeply as it did him. "You actually want to put yourself through this?" At his obvious confusion, she explained, "Going to work day after day with me as your partner and not being able to act on these feelings. You can do that?"

Bobby studied her for a long moment as he let that set in. It would be painful, he knew, but if there was one thing he was good at it was hiding himself and along with it his emotions. "Like I said, a lot of effort, but I'm willing to try."

"What about me? What if I'm not?"

That felt like a knee to his groin it hurt so bad; he didn't think about her having to go through that. Bobby closed his eyes and finally forced his body away from hers. His whole life he had been alone one way or the other. His only obligations were to himself and his mother and everyone else was just a second thought. He had been called a self-centered bastard before, but it had never bothered him. This time, it was like a knife stabbing and twisting in his heart and soul.

"I mean, God, Bobby, it's going to be hard. Being friends is one thing, but partners? Eventually, we're going to date again and…" she trailed off as he stopped pacing and stared down at the floor.

He tentatively lifted his eyes up to her but not his head that hung from the guilt that weighed down his heart. If he thought his heart broke for her before, the amount of hurt he saw well up in her eyes just then shattered it.

"Well, it didn't take you long to get over me, did it?"

Not even his mother's condescending condemnation could have inflicted as much pain as that statement did. He knew it wasn't rational but he couldn't help feeling that he had cheated on Alex. And that guilt settled into his heart and mind started consuming him, deepening his insecurities. Bobby didn't know what to say except, "Forgive me, please? For everything…please, forgive me."

Alex was still resting back against the door and the sorrow and anger she was feeling were written all over her. "It's not that easy."

Bobby covered his face with his hands as everything started to settle and the weight he felt pushing down on him was getting unbearable. _What have I done?_ Right then he would have taken everything Alex had to throw at him; her insults, her fists, her anger…anything and everything, he would have gladly taken. Instead, he didn't hear any of those things and he was utterly confused at why. Any other woman, even his mother, would have torn him down and kicked him while he was there for what he'd done.

Now he knew for sure that when he thought of them together forever he was in denial. He wasn't worth it, and they honestly never had a chance.

When she didn't say anything, Bobby slowly dropped his hands and looked at her, giving her his fully confused attention. "Go 'head."

She just looked at him.

Bobby motioned toward himself. "Give it to me."

"Give what to you?"

"Don't," Bobby shook his head as the anger and confusion was starting to course through him. "Don't act like you're not angry with me. Just…." he tried not to let his frustration show but it was getting hard to restrain his active hands. "Just don't…patronize me. I hurt you, Alex. If you want to hurt me…go ahead. Tell me what you really think of me. I can take it, okay, and I deserve it. I'm used to being a disappointment."

Alex studied him with a patience he wasn't used to receiving from anyone; not his family, not his friends, and definitely never from a woman. "I won't lie to you, Bobby," she said with a steady, calm voice. "You've damaged a lot of trust with me, not just personally, and emotionally, but also professionally. And as much as I would love to tear into you, there is nothing I can say that would make you feel as much hurt and pain than what you're doing to yourself right now."

He was going choke on his own self-pity and guilt. Bobby stared hard at the floor as Alex's words rocked his very foundation. She was right. He was tearing himself apart. "You're…you're not going to give me a chance, are you?"

She was quiet for a long moment. Then he heard her take in a shaky, deep breath before saying, "I want to, but I can't and won't go through it with you again if you continue to disregard my position as your partner. If I agree to give you a chance at this partnership, it has to be equal all the way. I have to know that I can trust you, even with the mundane things. I don't want to be kept in the dark ever again. Do you understand me?"

Bobby nodded in agreement. He would do anything to make this work between them.

"I want your word, as your partner and you as mine, I need your word that everything we do we will discuss it, that I'm going to be kept in the loop, always. Or else…" she left the threat hanging.

Or else they would have nothing. Not a partnership, not even a friendship. Bobby solemnly studied her and finally told her, "I promise. Never again, Alex." Waiting for Alex to agree felt like the longest wait in his life. He was afraid that she wasn't going to give him the chance or the time to make it work. She was still so hurt and angry with him. "Three months."

Alex blinked back at him and frowned in confusion.

Bobby stepped a little closer to her as he told her, "Give me three months, and if after that you can't work with me, if our partnership isn't working out…then I'll go."

"Why three months?"

He was tempted between telling the truth or a lie. When he had told Deakins that he would tell his partner about the probationary period, he wasn't lying. He was prepared to do just that if asked, but that was before he found out that Alex was his partner. She might feel pressured into going against what she thought or what he wanted. He didn't know what to tell her, but he knew starting off their partnership with a lie wouldn't be a wise choice, especially after what they had just talked about.

Bobby cleared his throat and looked down at his shoes while his internal debate surged on as he rubbed the back of his neck. "I'm…on a, ah, a probationary…basis with Major Case. Aft-after three months, It'll be up to the captain, the Chief of D's, and my partner if I'm to stay…or not." He looked up at her and saw the indecision on her face. "I don't want you to feel…you know, obligated to like or dislike me. If they want me to stay, I can always be assigned a different partner if…if, uh, if you don't want to-to, uh, stick with me."

Alex took her time in answering him. Then she moved away from the door and opened it for him. "Three months. After that…we'll see."

That was all he was going to get out of her for the next three months. Bobby nodded a little and slowly walked out of her apartment, grabbing his shoes and jacket as he went and slipping them on. Stopping just outside her door, he turned to her and gave her a soft smile. "Thanks, for, uh…not kicking me out, Eames."

"You gave me no reason to, Goren. Just, don't do it again," she said just before she closed the door.

Bobby headed down the hall and out into the rain as he prayed that he would never have to beg Alex to stay partners with him ever again. He had made a promise to her and he planned on keeping it.

TBC…


	30. Ch29: Moment of Truth

**A/N: Finally! I want to greatly apologize to everyone for the long delay in posting. Hopefully these next chapters, though however short they may be, will make up for everything. I'm just so excited to have finally gotten a new computer after my other one broke that I did nothing but write the rest of this story and more for about a week straight now.**

**Anyway, ENJOY!!**

* * *

The three months came and went with much struggle and effort by both. Bobby wasn't easy to work with, but with the added history between him and Alex it was a miracle that they made it past the probationary period without killing each other in the process. Alex had eventually come to accept his method of working and after the smoked cleared after some of their much heated and brutal head-butting, they found that even the worst of their fights couldn't ruin what had come to be an amazing professional relationship.

It was a great relief, especially for him, that she hadn't taken off on him and got a new partner.

Now, it was a week before Thanksgiving and he felt her eying him from across their joined desks. Bobby knew she was watching him and he smiled a little as he looked up into her wondering eyes. The moment she realized she was caught, her lips pulled down into a stern frown as she wondered at the smile on his face. His lips spread wider into a smirk at her reaction, which in turn caused her more confusion and she was taken back for a second before her eyes narrowed at him. When he chuckled, she rolled her eyes and he laughed a little louder, causing the other detectives around them to look their way.

Alex shook her head but was smiling despite herself. "Why do you always do that?"

"Do what?" he asked innocently, trying to act like he didn't know what he did to her. Without waiting for her to respond, and knowing she wouldn't, he went back to signing-off on several reports. "Here, you need to sign this one too," he said as he looked but at her at the same time he held the file folder out for her.

The look he saw in her eyes, uncertainty mixed with embarrassment, knotted his heart. Alex was never ashamed of telling him what she thought, and to see her like that now, it was a little unnerving. Bobby could clearly remember a time not too long ago when she didn't need provocation to let him know how he made her feel.

They may have been good partners, but he was suddenly struck that they weren't good friends, not even close. They were still hiding and fighting, but this time with all the words that they _weren't _saying to each other.

Alex took the file from him and he watched as she took the time to re-read it.

"Hey, uh, I was thinking..."

"Oh, no, this can't be good," she teased him as she signed her name to the report before tossing it on the pile next to her.

_No, it can't, _he thought as he scratched the back of his neck. Alex immediately frowned at the gesture. She knew by now what that little habit meant: he was uncertain or afraid of what he was going to say.

Bobby dropped his hand and gave her a sheepish smile as he gently asked, "Wanna get a uh, drink...with me?"

Alex sat still for a moment, debating, then after what seemed like hours answered, "Okay, but only if you're buying."

Bobby smiled as he said, "Don't I always?"

They left One Police Plaza and headed in Alex's car to a bar not too far from his neighborhood in Brooklyn.

"Why'd you live in Brooklyn?"

Bobby glanced at her and asked, "Why'd you live in Queens?"

"Touché, Goren."

"You used to call me Bobby." He was expecting some kind of sharp comeback, when he was met with silence, he told her, "If it's hard...I understand."

Alex waited until they were over off the L.I.E. and stopped at a light before she turned to look at him. "Will you call me Alex if I do?"

Bobby thought about it for a long couple of minutes before shaking his head. "No."

"Why not?"

_It's still hard. _Bobby turned away from watching the neighborhoods pass by him as they got closer to their destination. He took some time to really look at her as she focused on the road. Unlike his suits, everything she wore fit her like a glove. Her dark blue jeans were snug on her hips as her red sleeveless sweater clung to her body while pushing up and out her chest perfectly. His mind was venturing into dangerous territory, so he steered it back toward the conversation. "We're at work. When we're there, you're Eames, my partner."

"And you're Goren, _my_ partner."

Bobby turned away from her and shook his head. Why did everything with her have to be so damn difficult? He sighed heavily, upset that she still had that effect on him. Despite the thickness that suddenly engulfed the car, he jerked his coat tighter around him as he stared out the window.

Alex was quiet for the rest of the drive, leaving him to his troubling thoughts. He was quickly regretting his decision in inviting her out for drinks, but it was obvious that they needed to clear the air between them again. Their professional relationship was going great, but they were punishing themselves at just the thought of anything more, even friendship.

The bar was surprisingly quiet with a few customers. Bobby recognized the regulars and a few guys who only dropped in whenever there was a good game on. Right then, the only thing on was the highlight reel of the past week's games.

"So," Alex said as she slid on a bar stool at the same time he slid onto the one next to her on the left. "This is your neighborhood bar. It's nice."

Bobby smiled at her as he waved to the bartender, Dave. "My usual and she'll have...?"

"Vodka martini, easy on the vermouth."

Bobby raised his brows as he looked over her from her one-inch high heels to her eyes before saying, "You do know you have to drive home."

"A drink, meaning one, remember? And I probably won't drink all of it."

Just a drink, Bobby thought as he returned his teasing eyes to the top of the bar.

Alex didn't give him time to reflect as she removed her coat and crossed her arms over each other on top of the bar. Looking at him, she asked softly so not to be heard by anyone else, "What's the deal?"

He had no idea why he was doing this. Bobby Goren wasn't the type of guy to ask for anything, yet alone what he was about ready to ask from this woman sitting next to him. "Uh...remember when we first met?"

Alex seemed to freeze for a second, then she uncrossed her arms as their drinks were placed in front of them. Taking a sip, she gave a slow nod while saying, "Go on."

Bobby eyed his glass of scotch as he rubbed at his left temple, trying to stop the urge to just down his drink and telling Alex to forget it and go home. "You asked, why-why, uh...why I can't be both, partners and friends."

"I remember you saying something like...'it doesn't work that way'."

Taking a quick drink from the glass, he turned to be looking _up_ into her eyes. He was leaning pretty heavily on the bar, keeping his body as close to it for support as possible. "What...what if I was...wrong?"

Alex actually looked amused. "Stop the world, Detective Goren is wrong."

Bobby gave a light smile that never touched his eyes. He was too serious to be amused. "It happens...occasionally." He dropped his head and the time he was staring at her shoes to breathe in deeply, regaining his thoughts and composure. "We can be friends, if you want." Looking back up, he explained, "I mean, um...it shouldn't be this hard, for us, don't you think?"

She was agreeing with him as she nodded. "You're right, it shouldn't be, but it is."

"Yeah, well, it doesn't have to be. Earlier, at the office, you were going to tell me something that, uh...that embarrassed you. You were ashamed to tell me."

Alex was slowly nursing her drink and keeping her eyes down while she thought that over. Suddenly, she turned and shot back, "What haven't you told me? You wanna be friends, Bobby, prove it."

She used his first name; she was trying to get at him and it was working. Bobby stared down into the glass like it held some answers for him. When he was certain it didn't, and he couldn't think of anything to tell her, he asked, "What do you want to know?"

Alex breathed out and shook her head. "I don't know." She looked at him as he looked away. "You can't put this one on me, Goren, you're the one who brought me here; you're the one who can't--"

"My parents divorced when I was eleven," he quietly interrupted her. "Shortly after that, my father abandoned us. It would have been okay if...if my mom wasn't schizophrenic. My older brother, he followed in our father's footsteps and became a gambler and addict. I have no idea where he is....Former FBI profiler Declan Gage was my mentor before, and after, his breakdown. I've never been married or remotely close to it. And I've thought I've been in love once only to find out I was wrong." Bobby stopped and looked over at Alex. "You're the first partner I've told any of that to."

Alex never took her eyes of him as she asked, "Who was the person you thought you loved?"

Bobby looked away, back down into his drink. "You."

Alex was quiet for a while as they both let that settled between them. "How long do you think we can do this before we do some serious damage to each other?"

"That'll never happen."

"How'd you know?"

Bobby shrugged as he watched as she finished her drink. "Cause, we won't let it get that far."

Setting the empty glass down on the bar, Alex announced, "I've got to get going. Are you going to be okay getting home?"

Bobby nodded. "I live close. Thanks for coming," he hesitantly told her.

"Thanks for inviting me. We should do it again some time."

"Really," he asked, stunned. At the way she jumped up to leave, Bobby thought he had blown it for sure.

Alex smiled as she told him, "Absolutely, that's what friends do. Night, Bobby."

Bobby watched as she pulled on her coat and left the bar. "Goodnight, Alex," he said into his drink before finishing it off.

TBC...Next chapter will bring us back to the present time and it will pick up exactly where the 'prologue' chapter stopped; also it will be longer that this chapter...a lot longer. And, it will also be the last chapter. I know, it's sad, but writing a short sequel (a couple of chapters) to follow this one.


	31. Ch30: Purgatory

**A/N: **Not exactly the ending some have hoped for, but I left it hopeful at least. Thanks again, and again, and again to everyone who has read this story and who have commented and/or put it in their favorites. Please if you haven't told me what you thought yet, do so!

Enjoy!

* * *

_Present Time_

Setting the bottle of scotch down on the coffee table, he stared at it through his dry red eyes and fought the internal war he had been battling for weeks now. The bottle sat full, seal un-broken, while the glass sat empty next to it. His hands twisted around each other as he focused on his breathing; it was easier to do that than it was to focus on his emotions. His breathing he could control, manage, but for months it was getting harder to control the emotions that used to be so easy to subdue, either by his own defenses or by the numbing amber liquor which now sat untouched.

There were some things a man didn't want to know, or at least suffer through, and one of those was his emotions. He never wanted to understand what they meant or did to him. There were some that should stay buried in the depths of his soul forever.

Through his many years of being a profiler, he had let himself experience or at least understand every type of emotion that existed, no matter how disturbing they were. It was all for the work and the job, but it was never personal. They were always other people's thoughts and feelings, never his own. He had never let those same emotions out within himself. He had never gotten too close to his own soul for fear of what he would find. He was scared what suffering he would endure if he knew himself intimately.

Seven months ago, he was shown, with great disturbances, his soul and all the frightening emotions he had kept well buried and hidden for most of his adult life. The grave evenness of his voice, the measured way he talked as of late should have spoke volumes of the suffering that had been crippling him for a long time. It didn't start with Tates, but long before then; it had started with his mother's decline in health, but it erupted with the last hours of her life. The confession she had given him had pushed him to the edge and he had been tittering over it and hoping for something, anything, to pull him back.

Then his brother came to him and told him of a nephew that needed his help. At first, he was apprehensive, but then he thought that maybe this was what he needed; that he needed one person in his family to value him, to appreciate him, and to accept him. He had thought that his nephew could have been all those things he had wanted but never got from anyone else in his family.

He was a fool. And the suspension on top of it all felt, in a way, appropriate.

Appropriate yet devastating.

His work was his everything. He was his work. He had nothing else in his life but his work and he been kept away from it again, only this time it was much more painful. He was left with his defenses destroyed and his emotions rubbing raw against every movement, thought, deep breath and slight sigh. He had felt like he was being driven slowly insane and his own body was the instrument of destruction; and when he drank to try to ease the rawness away, he felt like he was drowning, choking on his own suffering…his own self-inflictions.

Then everything with Stoat happened so fast, and the captain gave him no choice, he had to do the damn undercover operation. Then again he was forced to choose between the Job and Alex but this time he chose the Job. And like most that were damned and stuck in purgatory, Hell soon followed.

His only regret was that he ended up dragging Alex there with him. That thought weighed on him hard, like a stone threatening to break him in two. Giving up and giving in, he reached for the bottle. Twisting the cap off, he tossed it onto the table as he went to pour a glass.

A pounding sounded through the quiet apartment, radiating from the kitchen. Someone was knocking on his backdoor. Bobby groaned at the thought of who it might be. There were only a handful of people who knew to use the backdoor and not the front. Recently only neighbors and bill collectors knocked on the front door.

Setting the bottle down, he slowly made his way through the living room and into the kitchen. Flicking on the light, he caught sight of the top of her dark blond hair as she tried to tiptoe her way up to see through the glass in the top of the door. He had to smile at the sight, but it was soon replaced with grief and fear. Damn her.

Alex was not looking a bit happy as he opened the door partly and stared down at her. She glared up at him, rolled her eyes, and then with irritation snapping her words she told him, "Move your ass, Goren."

He obliged. Opening the door further, he stepped back to allow her into his home.

"You're hopeless, do you know that?"

"I've considered it."

His playful manner only seemed to piss her off even more. Alex rounded on him and stuck her finger right into his chest. "Stop considering and accept the fact that you're hopeless."

He really didn't have time for this. "I've accepted the fact that _you_ think I'm hopeless." _That's it Bobby, dig yourself in deeper. Push her away, like always._

Alex crossed her arms and shook her head disapprovingly. "Unbelievable." With that, she turned away from him and sat down heavily at the table in the corner of the room.

Bobby stood for a moment, just watching her. She was tired, her eyes were looking red and the mascara was smudged around her eyes; her shoulders fell forward as she rubbed at her forehead, and she was still wearing the clothes she had worn to work that day. "Go home, Eames," he managed to say before he lost the nerve to try and kick her out; before he felt the desperate need to make her stay.

Going back into the living room, he picked up the bottle and the empty glass and went back into the kitchen. She was still there at the table, and her expression was one he had seen too often. It was that worried look that seemed to be the only one she had been giving him lately. Rounding the counter, he sat the glass down heavily next to the sink and then faced Alex. Leaning back against the counter, he took a sip right out of the bottle.

_It's too late._ She had told him that once, but it was just then that the reality of those words sunk in. It was too late and he didn't know how to fix it. He didn't know if it could be fixed…if they could be fixed. It was too late because he did drag her down with him and now he was putting them both through Hell.

"Do you really believe that I was right?"

Those words registered in his aching head but he didn't give any indication that he had heard her. He blinked back from staring at the refrigerator across from him as he thought about her question. After taking another little sip that burned blissfully down his throat, he looked over at her. "I think...yeah," he nodded a little to himself.

"But?"

Bobby eyed her as he was again struck at how well she knew him. "But...so was I."

Alex's smile was soft and sad. She leaned back in the chair and said simply, "I knew it," she said as she shook her head. "It doesn't matter."

Bobby felt the anger starting to brew; he hated that she thought that. "No, it does," he stressed.

"Like hell."

He pushed away from the counter in haste. The thought of just leaving or going into his room and shutting her out was invading his mind, but he was feeling too tired, and the alcohol was making it hard for him to reason. "What'd you want from me, Eames? I mean, God, I'm…getting so sick of this."

"Of what, exactly?"

Bobby stared at the floor, not willing to look her in the eyes. He was giving up and he didn't want her to see that. He should have known that she already did. "What'd you mean of what? I'm sick of everything." Looking up, he saw the concern in her eyes and again his heart was broken. "Especially that look. You worry about me way too much."

Alex nodded in agreement. "You're right, I do. And who's fault is that?"

_His. _It was always his fault. "I know," he declared with a sigh of defeat. "And that's why it's time that it stopped." Once it was said, he couldn't take it back.

That hung in the air between them, stretching on and filling the room until he felt like he was suffocating.

Exhaustion was pushing down on him even harder now. Bobby stepped up to the counter and leaned on top of it, supporting his weight with his arms. His left hand idly played with the bottle of scotch; with his fingers he would unconsciously twirl the bottle on the counter as he thought. If they were going to get anywhere, whether it was to a good place or not, it was going to happen here and now. It was time to punch it out no matter how hard it felt, no matter how much pain it would cause.

"I've tried, Alex. I've tried so hard to keep this from affecting you, I really did." He took a long glance at her, anticipating her response; she didn't give him one. Returning his stare to the bottle he was twirling around, he continued, "I realized that it didn't or…wouldn't have mattered how hard I tried to stop…my pain, from reaching you…it would happen, did happen, anyway. And…for that, I'm sorry."

Alex was quiet for a long moment. He could hear her sigh and deep breathing, it caused his body to shake from anticipation and fear. "Bobby, I know when you lie. You lied to me when you told me you were trying to 'protect' me. If....If you're lying now..."

He gave a curt nod, cutting her off, because he knew he couldn't deny it. She was right he did lie. "I did, then. Not now. You were right when you told me that I was only thinking about one thing: getting my job back. I was willing to do anything, even break promises, to get what I wanted."

"Were you that desperate?"

"To get back?" Bobby finally looked over at her and held her eyes. "Absolutely. The job, Alex, it's all I've got left."

Alex stared hard at him in disbelief. "You've got me."

"I've _got_ you?" He was starting to lose control, let the anger spill out. "Yeah, Eames, I've got you, as my partner. But without the job I don't even have that. Having you doesn't pays my bills. And it sure as hell doesn't get me up in the morning and it doesn't get me through the day and convince me that maybe I still have a life worth living," he nearly yelled as he gripped and bottle and slammed it back down on the counter.

She was staring at him, hard and long with her lips set in a tight frown. Tears began to wet her eyes, threatening to spill over like his anger. "Is that all I am to you? Someone you work with and _not_ someone you can depend on to help you."

"You've helped plenty. All you do is help me, lie for me, cover _my ass_. Don't worry, I get it. All you do is run damage control for me," the bitterness in his mouth tasted like acid on his tongue. God, this was not what he wanted to happen. Bobby knew he was being cruel and making Alex feel like shit; the thing was he couldn't stop the anger once it was out. He had been fighting it too long.

Bobby had to look away from the hurt in her eyes. She was starting to crumble inside and it was the most painful thing to watch. He was so sick of seeing the hurt in her and knowing that he was the cause of it. He was miserable, and he was making her miserable. "Jesus, Eames," he had to distance himself again, retreat and hide; it was the only way to try and get his control back. "You shouldn't have to be tied to me any longer."

"Great, Goren, just perfect," she scorned at him nearly on the brink of tears. "Is this how you really want this to end? After all we've been through, you're willing to toss this partnership aside like it never mattered to you?"

"Partnership," he said with a soft breath into the room. "We're always saying that we're partners. I told my brother we were partners, you told me that you were my partner when you yelled at me…I mean we're never friends." He shifted his dark troubled eyes back to hers. "What happened to being friends?"

"You don't care to be my friend."

That accusation felt that a punch right through his chest.

Alex continued with all the fury of a wounded lover, even though they hadn't been lovers in years, "But it doesn't matter because the one thing this past seven months had taught me was to be afraid that once our partnership ended, I might never see you again. Friends don't just disappear on each other. You hid from me for seven months, Bobby, and then you stopped answering my calls and then you lied to me not once, but twice. And now this! God," she growled out as she wiped a hand over her face, fighting back the tears, "what's the matter with you?"

Bobby stared at her and he was sure that any and all emotion was no longer visible in his dark eyes. He nearly went numb. "Maybe that was our mistake. We were always more than just friends even when that was all we should have been. From the first day we met, we were together either as partners or a couple, or both. And now...I don't think we know how to be partners anymore."

"That's because you're afraid and you think it's easier to give up on yourself, on _us_, instead of fighting for it."

"I've fought, and I lost. Eh-uh, it-it just took me eight years to realize that."

Alex wrinkled her head in confusion. "Eight years? Are you saying you regret our entire partnership?"

"I..." Bobby hesitated, "I don't know. Maybe."

They both stared at each other; one with shock the other with no emotion at all. Neither of them moved for a long time until he backed away and left the room.

Bobby eyed the front door from where he stood in the living room but did not move toward it. He started this war between them. He had to be the one to end it and to do that he had to be honest with not only himself but with her, it was the only way. "So, where does that leave us?" he asked into the quiet room. He knew that she was there, watching him, he could feel her.

He turned and sure enough Alex was leaning against the doorframe to the kitchen. She was watching him but no longer with concern or even sympathy; she was trying to hold herself back, protecting herself. He couldn't blame her. His honesty could destroy them both. He was going to destroy her if she let him.

Bobby turned away from her and shook his head. Alex Eames was something else. He had been horribly, brutally honest and even cruel to her and she was still there, waiting for him. If only he hadn't had screwed it up but that was life. His life. He always had to fuck everything up. He was a damned man after all.

Biting his lower lip, he had to keep from telling her the real, honest reason he decided to go to Tates, to put himself through "heaven". His nephew was one of the reasons, but not the one that kept him pushing it until the very end in that mental ward. He had to know the limitations on his mind, his sanity. He had to know that he was never going to be like his mother, or worse, his father...potential father.

_Too late._ Bobby shook his head and looked around the room. His books, his papers, his furniture, TV stand with no TV, stereo with no music coming out of it in months. Worthless, all of it.

"What happened to it?"

Alex's voice entered his foggy head; it sound distant, almost like it wasn't real. Bobby blinked back and focused on what he was looking at; he had been starting at the empty television stand. "Uh...I sold it...needed to cash. I hardly watched it anyway," he rushed to explain, not knowing why. It was just something he always did.

Bobby suddenly couldn't stand anymore. Easing down onto the couch, he stared passively at the empty space in the room. Maybe Tates did do something to him. It just wasn't as terrifying or openly violent as he thought it would be. He never had to struggle this hard to keep himself together since he was a child. He never had to measure his voice to contain the subtle anger that was always coursing through him, ready to explode. He never felt this empty; never this weak mentally and physically. He never had to fight so hard to twist his lips into a smile.

Depression wasn't even close to describing the nature of his being.

He had first noticed that something was wrong the day he was suspended. Talking to the Chief of D's had been one of the hardest things he ever had to do, not because he was scared of the Chief, but it took all the strength he had to keep his voice calm and to keep at bay the anguish and anger that was brewing in his body and clouding his mind. Then, later that day, he had went to visit Frank to find out where Donnie was and he had lost it. All that anger he had unleashed on his brother wasn't even half of what he had been feeling.

After that, and spending the next six months trying to figure out his life, he had drifted further and further into himself to the point that he was going through life in almost of a fog. It reminded him of when he was a kid and his mother got worked up into one of her delusions and paranoia and he stopped functioning.

Physically he was there, but mentally he was gone, into his head and away from the pain. He went numb and it took a lot to bring him back out of it. "Too much external and internal stimulation" was the explanation the doctors gave him to why he would do it; why he would 'dissociate'.

That survival technique had come in handy when he was at Tates. After a while, when he was done trying to get the guards to give him water and seeing how long it took, he could have lain on that steel table without realizing that he was hot and suffocating. During that time, the lights never burned his eyes and he was never thirsty.

It had been seven months, and he was still in that fog, connecting but _not_ connecting. It was easier to hide from the pain than to embrace it day in and day out. He had to survive until he found something else to get him through it; he had no choice but to let his mind step back away from it all.

Alex was standing in front of him. Bobby looked up at her and waited for her to say something. He didn't trust himself to speak.

She smiled at him, but he couldn't justify smiling back. "Do you ever sleep?" her soft, almost non-existent voice asked him.

"I could have been. 'leep with my eyes open," he slurred out of his dry mouth.

She smirked until she saw something flick over his eyes. He wasn't joking.

Bobby shifted on the couch, letting Alex know that it was okay for her to sit next to him. "I started doing it when I was...um, nine, I think. My mother, at night she would pace all over the house...back-and-forth, and she would come into my room. If I was awake, she would...get mad. I was supposed to be asleep. If I was asleep and she wanted me to be awake, she'd get mad about that...so...I would hide under the covers so she couldn't tell. I would hear her come into the room and just...stand there, breathing and...chewing on her nails until her fingers bled, of course she never felt the pain. Schizophrenics have a high tolerance for pain. Cigarettes would burn her fingertips and she never knew it. Anyway, I became afraid of her at night. I had to figure out a way to...to, uh, be asleep and awake at the same time so she wouldn't get mad. Eventually I could get myself to sleep with my eyes open. I'm not quite sure it's actually sleeping though. And I can wake up out of the deepest sleep at the sound of a pin dropping."

"Why didn't you just put a lock on the door?"

Bobby turned his head to be looking at her. "I was nine. I tried to block the door a few times but..." he shook his head. "It made her, angrier. It wasn't until I became a rebellious angry teenager that I put a lock on the door. But even then...she found a way."

"How?"

Bobby had no idea why Alex was asking him about it. She never pushed like this; why was she doing it now? It wasn't like her. He had a strong suspicion that something was wrong but he was too tired to figure out what. "Took the hinges off," he explained. "When you live with a paranoid schizophrenic the word 'privacy' doesn't exist."

"I've seen you sleep with your eyes closed when we were together."

Bobby nodded. "It was a conscious effort. Normally, when I know I'm going to be alone, I don't think about it. I didn't at Tates...but, I think everyone there slept with their eyes open."

Alex rested her head against the back of the couch and stared at him. "You never talked about it with me."

He was telling her now, wasn't he? "About Tates?"

She only nodded.

"I told you what I told the Chief," he told her as he looked down at his hands. "Nothing else happened."

Alex scooted closer to him until her knee touched his thigh. She had curled her legs up on the couch when she had sat down. "I think something else happened. You're not the same. It's like you're not feeling."

"I feel. I feel all the time. Maybe too much and that's my problem." Just then, Bobby felt a hand on his shoulder and the world snapped back to him so sharply that the small hand felt like it was made of fire and he jerked up with his eyes losing the dark fog that had settled over them.

"Bobby, are you okay?" her voice was barely heard in his ringing ears.

_No! _He wanted to scream that at her but instead bolted off the couch so fast he hit his legs on the coffee table. "Shit," he growled in reflex and at the pain. His senses had been dulled for such a long time that the pain seemed almost unbearable when it wasn't even serious.

Since leaving the kitchen earlier he hadn't been fully awake and now he was paying for it. His defenses had been down and he was so emotionally and mentally numb that he could have told Alex anything she wanted to know. He could have told her about Brady. The only thing he talked about thankfully was his mother. It was okay, he could handle that because Alex knew about his mom so it would be okay.

"Eames," he said as he finally looked towards her. What he saw caused the air to get stuck in his throat.

The room was empty.

_What the fuck? _Where did she go? Bobby looked around the room, in the bathroom, his bedroom, and then went back into the kitchen. She wasn't there. Looking down at the counter, he saw a note laying on top of it. It was from Alex. She couldn't deal with arguing with him and she needed time to think and calm down. She had gone home.

Bobby stared at the note and then took it with him into the bathroom. Turning on the light, he dropped the note into the sink. After reading over the lines one last time, he looked up into the mirror and nearly froze. He looked worse than Hell. Disgusted with his self, he left the bathroom and stumbled into the bedroom and on his bed.

He had imagined that Alex was still there, talking to him, when she had left right after he left the kitchen. That unnerved him to the very center of his soul. It wasn't the first time he had done that. When he was at Tates, lying restrained on that table and drifting further into his head, he had imagined her there with him, helping him by talking to him. She was the only person who could calm him, who could ground him. And he had pushed her away only to dream her up again.

As he stared up at the ceiling in his bedroom, he had the sudden urge to move. He had to get up and leave his house. It took a lot of convincing to get his body to agree with his need to move, but eventually he got out of bed. Grabbing his keys off the table in the kitchen, he left the apartment.

The drive out to Rockaway was slow, taking nearly an hour with all the stop lights and traffic. He hardly noticed it all though as he found that he couldn't keep his mind clear and focused long enough to take in his surroundings. Whole blocks would go by and he didn't remember a single thing he saw along the way. It wasn't until he was crossing into Canarsie that he realized that he wasn't heading toward Alex's house anymore. The streets of Canarsie were nearly deserted. It was going on midnight and it wasn't like it was summer yet. The night air was still cold and bitter with the wind blowing hard signaling a coming storm.

Pulling into the parking lot at Canarsie Pier, he spotted a familiar vehicle parked right up at the entrance to the walkway of the pier. Parking in front of it, he got out and looked it over and shook his head in amazement and disbelief. Stuffing his hands into his pants pockets, he began the walk down the pier.

It was so dark that he couldn't see the water of Jamaica Bay yet he could hear the waves and the water breaking against the support beams. He also couldn't see who was standing at the very end but he already knew it was her. Coming to a quiet rest next to her, he leaned against the rail and stared down into the abyss.

"How'd you know I was here?" she asked him, confused and curious.

"Didn't." Bobby didn't take his eyes off the water as he asked, "Why'd you come here?"

He felt her shrug against his arm before she explained, "I was driving through, on the way home, and I saw the sign for the pier and thought about the time you brought me here. It was then that I knew that I could trust you, that I could be your friend. I just had to come here. This place has changed a lot in eight years."

"After eight years, everything changes."

He felt her eyes on him as she asked, "What happened to us, Bobby?"

Bobby couldn't return the look as he kept his eyes on the dark water. "We've changed too," he told her soberly. After a moment, he had to chuckle a little as he said, "It's crazy."

"What is?"

Bobby shrugged shyly as he softly told her, "That we, keep...finding each other." He let that settled between before he looked over at her. The moonlight helped him to see the her face. She was looking back down at the water. "I was wrong."

She lifted her head and looked at him.

He knew she wasn't going to say anything so he took a deep breath and confessed, "I'm, uh, having...problems. I haven't been...I'm just...not myself. I shouldn't have taken my anger out on you, Alex. You didn't deserve that. What I said back there, I didn't mean any of it. Well, _some_ I meant, but not...what I said about..." he had to take a deep breath and as he did so he felt his mind wondering. "This is so hard," he said mostly to himself as he struggled to refocus on what he was trying to say. Finally, he gathered enough courage to say the rest of what he needed to. "I-I want...I want to try to fix this...us. I still want to be your...partner, and friend, if...if, uh...if you still want me, that is. If not, then...I understand."

Alex was quiet for a long time. Bobby hated when she did that, it drove him crazy not knowing what she was thinking. "Are you seeing someone?"

Bobby's head snapped up at that. "Seeing someone?"

Alex hid a smile as she said, "Yeah, like the department shrink?"

"Oh," Bobby felt the blush heat his face at his embarrassment. "I had to see Dr. Olivet when I was on suspension, but...I-I, uh, I wasn't open with her. I basically told her what she wanted to hear. I will," he confirmed with a nod. "I'll do whatever it takes to get past all this...To move forward."

"Then," Alex said with a deep satisfied sigh, "I'm not leaving you, Bobby. I never intended to. I just wanted..." she had to take a moment as her voice quivered.

Bobby painfully listened to Alex struggling to hold back her emotions and he felt himself wanting to go numb so he didn't have to feel the hurt. _Stop it! _He yelled at himself. This had to stop, no matter the pain, he had to stay focused. He had to connect with people again, to engage, especially with her.

Hesitantly, he wrapped his right arm around Alex's shoulders and pulled her close to him. She seemed reluctant at first before giving in and burying her face and body against him as the wind gusted across the bay at them. Off in the distance, he saw lightening streak across the sky before the faint roll of thunder was heard.

The storm was getting closer.

Neither one of them said anything as they turned and took the long walk back to their cars. Bobby helped Alex into her car and went to shut the door when she stopped him.

Alex was looking out across the bay as she commented, "We need to leave. It's going to start pouring on us soon."

Bobby nodded as he looked out to where she was staring. The lightening was getting more erratic and continuous.

"You have a long drive back to Greenpoint."

"About an hour if I go the speed limit and hit all the red lights," Bobby told her like she didn't already know that. "Want me to follow you home?"

Alex finally looked up at him from inside her car. "Sure."

Bobby gave her a small soft smile before he shut the driver's door and headed to his car. He followed her into Rockaway and then around some streets to her apartment. Parking behind her car, he waited until she was on her stoop unlocking the door and looking back at him before he got out of his own car. She waited and held the door open. It wasn't long after he shut it that the rain started to fall.

"I think we're in for one nasty storm," Alex said as she kicked off her shoes. "If you don't want to drive home in this, and I highly encourage that you don't, you can stay here."

Bobby wasn't about to argue with her. If he tried to drive home in the rain with the way his mind has been going in and out of consciousness, he would end up _in_ Jamaica Bay. He nodded his thanks as he slowly took off his shoes at the door and watched as she went into the kitchen. He soon followed.

As he watched from the entryway, Alex moved effortlessly around her kitchen preparing them both a cup of tea. Bobby was still amazed and awed that Alex still lived in the same apartment that she had been taken from only two years ago by Jo Gage. "You're very strong. You know that?"

Alex turned and smiled warmly at him. "So are you."

"I'm not as strong as you think." Bobby was once again remind of how he was struggling mentally to keep awake and out of his head. "But, I'm trying," he said as he sat down at the small table that was against the wall. It was the same table she always had in her kitchen, the one with the burn mark.

"Trying is better than giving up," Alex told him as she sat a cup down in front of him before occupying the other chair. She was silent for a moment while sipping the tea. Making a disgusted face, she said, "This one's yours."

Bobby chuckled as they exchanged cups. He watched her take a sip out of that cup and asked, "Better?"

Alex smiled as she took a long drink and nodded. "Much." She studied him as she cautiously sipped the hot tea. "Can I ask you something?"

Bobby wondered why Alex thought she had to ask permission to ask him a question since she never bothered to before. He slowly nodded as he waited.

She took no time in asking, "Do you really regret meeting me eight years ago?"

Bobby wasn't expecting that and nearly choked on the tea he was trying to swallow. Once he got his breath back, he answered, "No. I told you that I didn't mean some of what I said earlier. I wasn't thinking clearly." Staring down at the counter, he rubbed at his head before looking up at her. "Have you ever...thought about that?"

Alex stared at him as she nursed the cup in her hands. "Sometimes when something happens or when you do something that reminds me of our time together."

"You don't," he stopped himself as he struggled with not saying anything that would offend her. Bobby took a big gulp of the tea before continuing. "Have _you_ ever, regretted it?"

Alex gave him a weird look at he couldn't figure out before she smiled and shook her head with a slight laugh. "No. God, Bobby, being with you was one of the happiest times of my life. I never regretted knowing you, or being with you. And," she quickly added, "despite the way our relationship ended, I'm grateful for our partnership and how we've still managed to be here, together."

Bobby, for the first time in a long time, let himself smile happily at that. His eyes sparkled a little as he told Alex, "I've been thinking about it a lot lately. My relationship with you was the best I ever had, and the longest." He had to look away from her as the memories once again filled his mind. Staring intently at the table, he unconsciously rubbed at his head as he honestly told her, "Thank you, for everything, Alex. I haven't told you this enough, but....I really do, a-ah, appreciate, what you do."

He felt her hand on top of his, sending her warmth through his body. Looking up, he saw the smile that was uniquely Eames, bright and beautiful, and her eyes staring lovingly at him.

"Now," she said teasingly, "was that so damn hard?"

Bobby blushed and sighed, "You have no idea. Took me, what? Two weeks."

"Try eight years."

Bobby smirked as he sat back and finally took the cup into his hands. It wasn't the drink he wanted, but he thought that maybe it was time that it became what he wanted. He needed to stop drinking, he needed to stop being angry, he needed to get out of the depression that was slowly killing him, but most of all, he needed start living again. To connect.

As he look up at Alex, he was overcome with a new found sense of joy, and love. After all this time, they were still together, but he knew that what they had was much more than just friendship, or partnership. It was a connection and understanding with each other that nearly went beyond all that, maybe even beyond family. He didn't know quite what it was, but he accepted it as openly and as intimately as he could.

It was also time he started talking to her again. He wasn't, and couldn't, tell her everything, but he could try. And with him, that was something.

"Have, uh...have I ever told you..."

Alex looked up at him in near anticipation and shock. "Told me what," she encouraged when he had trailed off.

Bobby shifted a little in his seat; he was nervous and fearing her judgment until he realized who he was talking to. This was Alex, and she had never judged him. "About, how-how, uh...how I can sleep with my eyes open?"

Alex rested her head against her left hand and smirked. "Now _this_ is going to be interesting, I can tell," she told him with a twinkle in her eyes.

And just like that, they were okay again. Bobby felt himself smile before taking a deep breath and began his story.

THE END... for now


End file.
